Always and Forever (21 page)

25.

L
isa watched as her sister packed. Being with Kelly had meant so much to her, but she knew her sister couldn’t stay any longer. She had a family of her own to go home to, a husband who was holding down the fort without her and pretending like everything was fine so Kelly could be with her. Lisa already felt guilty about the length of time— just over two weeks—she’d had her by her side, and even though she knew her mom and little sister were helping out back home, and that Kelly had more than deserved some time away, they couldn’t hide forever.

“You need to call him.”

Lisa stared out the window, pretending she hadn’t heard her. She was talked out, and she didn’t want to go over old ground again.

“Lisa?” Kelly was her big sister and Lisa knew when she was about to throw her weight around.

“I heard you,” Lisa replied. “I just . . .” She didn’t know what to say. Being without Matt was beyond tough, but she was also scared of talking to him again, of seeing him and trying to get everything that was in her head out in the open with him.

“You just what? What are you scared of? What really happened between you guys?” Kelly stared at her. “Penny told me that Matt doesn’t know if you’ll ever want to work it out, that things could be over for good, but I don’t believe it for a second. Am I right?”

Lisa swallowed, ran a hand through her hair, absently playing with a tiny fairy knot at the end. “I miss him so bad, but I’m scared. Everything’s changed and I don’t want to be that person I was around him for the last few months. I don’t know how to get past what I said to him the day before he left.”

Kelly was sitting beside her now, her weight putting an indent in the bed that made Lisa slide closer to her. She leaned into her sister when Kelly held her arms out, let herself be held. There were only a few years between them in age, but Kelly sometimes cared for her like she was the mom, not the sister, and Lisa would never take her big sister for granted.

“Look, just turn your phone on and check your voicemail. I’ll bet it’s full—he’s tried to call you so many times. I know how hard it’s been for him being cut off from you, and it’s not fair to just tell him to leave and then never give him the chance to talk it through with you.”

“You’ve spoken to him?” Lisa asked, staring at her sister’s face.

Kelly looked away before standing up and going back to packing her bag. “Matt loves you. Whatever happened between you hasn’t changed the way he feels, and I know you feel the same. You guys can make this work. Because the issues you have? They’re not going to change; they’re going to be there for the rest of your life. But with Matt you can find a way through it.”

“It’s not that easy. We can’t just go back to what we used to have. We can’t just pretend like nothing happened.”

“Lisa, you can move past it. We’ve gone through this. You’ll never forget, but neither of you did anything wrong here. It’s not like moving past an infidelity.” Kelly held her hand, looked into her eyes and smiled. “Matt hasn’t had to be sensitive or careful with you before because you’ve always been able to stand on your own two feet and look after yourself. Think about how hard it must have been for him to suddenly have to care for you like you were breakable, when you’ve probably always seemed indestructible to him!”

Lisa nodded, biting down on her bottom lip. She missed Matt, craved him like a drug, wished she could do something to turn back time and go back to the easy way things had always been between them. “I need to tell him that I understand,” she managed to whisper. “Just because I’m not speaking to him right now doesn’t mean I don’t love him, and I want him to know that I should have acknowledged what he was going through, too.”

She watched as Kelly zipped up her bag, then stood, hands on her hips. “When I go, can you at least promise me that you’ll check your voicemail and your email? I know for a fact that he’s been writing to you, that he wants to tell you something, or maybe even a whole lot of somethings.”

Lisa’s heart started to beat just a bit too fast, her palms instantly clammy. “He told you that? So you
have
spoken to him?” She’d thought so much about what she wanted to say to him, how to bring up the things that she wanted to be more open about. She’d craved time alone, away from him, but now everything was starting to remind her of him.

“All I’m saying is that I’ve stuck to my end of the bargain. I haven’t told him what’s going on or what we’ve talked about, or that we’ve stayed in Napa, although Penny might have been easier for him to crack, but now you need to do this for me, okay? Because he’s going to make my life hell if I turn up without you and he still hasn’t heard a word back from the woman he loves. It’s been as rough on him as it has you, maybe even harder because you were the one who wanted the space in the first place.”

Lisa nodded. “Okay.” She would agree to that; it was only fair. Besides, she had to talk to him sooner or later. It wasn’t like she could just hide away forever.

“That man would give his life for you, Lis. You owe it to him to at least give him a chance.”

She knew her sister was right, but it didn’t make what she had to do any easier. Matt had been her world for a decade, even longer if she was completely honest with herself because she’d fallen for him well before they officially got together. And after a couple of weeks of trying to go it alone, with only her sister by her side, she was realizing just how impossible it would be to live without him. And he hadn’t even done anything wrong, but her head had been so messed up and she was struggling to process everything, and coming to terms with what they’d done . . . She took a deep breath. Life felt empty right now, and it would be even emptier if she didn’t at least try to work it out with Matt.

“Do you think he’d still . . .” Lisa shook her head, didn’t know what she was even trying to say, or maybe she just couldn’t say the words. “Nothing.”

“What?” Kelly asked softly, dropping to sit beside her again, shoulder to shoulder. “You think he’s forgotten about you after a few weeks? Give the poor guy some credit. He might not be the most sensitive soul sometimes, but he’s a damn good man.”

Kelly was right. He was a good man, and if he was prepared to open up to her, then to understand what she was feeling, then surely they could move forward.

“You’re right. I know you’re right.”

“Good,” Kelly said, reaching for her hand and squeezing it tight even though she was speaking so firmly. “Because he’s still your husband, you’re still married, and that means something.”

Lisa dropped her head to Kelly’s shoulder, kept hold of her hand.

“Read his emails and don’t be scared of telling him whatever you need to get out. And don’t be afraid to push him to open up about his mom. It must have been a really dark time for him, and maybe he’s kept it locked away for too long.”

Kelly eventually stood, but not before dropping a kiss into Lisa’s hair.

“I love you,” Lisa said, looking up at her. “Thank you for everything, for putting your life on hold and just being here for me. I don’t think I could have done this without you.”

“Hey, we’re sisters. We’re supposed to have each other’s backs.”

Kelly waved and hauled her bag up, wheeling it behind her, and Lisa leaned back into the pillows and watched her go. She was exhausted from doing nothing; from thinking all day, from being alone all night, from running and swimming and keeping active with Kelly. From talking with her sister.

From everything reminding her of Matt.

She’d craved calamari every time they’d eaten out, but hadn’t been able to order it without Matt. They’d always shared it; for ten years, seeing calamari on the menu anywhere had made them laugh because they always shared it as a starter. Everything about Napa had reminded her of him, and as much as it hurt, it had given her the time alone to remember why she loved him.

Matt was her rock. He was goofy and childish and always running late, but he’d also protect her against anything, give his own life for her.
And he’d made the hardest decision he’d probably ever had to make in choosing her over their baby
. But that was her husband, ready to protect her whatever the cost. And she wished she’d been able to see how tough that must have been for him instead of pushing him away.

Lisa wanted to swim, to indulge in a few laps in the water before deciding what to do. She glanced into the bathroom and saw her wet bikini hanging, and decided to find another. She was sure she’d packed two, but then she hadn’t seen her pink one at all.

She unzipped one of her bags, the one full of brightly colored things she’d originally packed for Mexico, rummaging around through the clothes. She saw a flash of pink, went to pull it out, but her hand connected with something hard.

What the hell?
She pulled more clothes out and saw a book, one she didn’t recognize. Lisa took it out, surprised that a large book had been hidden in her bag and she hadn’t even realized. She ran her hand over the gold cover, the softest shade, which was interwoven with elegant swirls. It was beautiful. Then she opened it, hand flying to her mouth as she recognized a collection of her favorite fabrics from the last few summer seasons making a collage over the first few pages.

She looked at each piece, still in love with all the beautiful colors and textures she’d used.

And then she turned to the next page and saw writing she’d recognize anywhere—strong capital letters written in bold black pen.

A beautiful girl deserves a beautiful book for her designs. Lo
ve, Matt.

Lisa read the words over and over, stared at his name, felt a pang for him in her heart that almost stole her breath away. Matt had done this for her. Sometime before they’d left, he’d had this made for her and packed it without her knowing.

Lisa held the book to her chest, clutched it tight and took a big, deep breath. She needed Matt, wanted him with her. And that meant she needed to take a huge leap forward and tell him that.
That she was sorry. That she’d needed the time without him to understand how much she missed him. That she forgave him for making a choice he should never have had to make and that she should never have blamed him for it in the first place.

She shut her eyes for a few minutes, focused on breathing deep and filling her belly with each breath like she’d read she was supposed to do, but the only thing she could think about was her phone. She got up, rummaged around in her handbag until she found it, and turned it on. It was usually never off, but since she’d said goodbye to Matt, she’d had it permanently switched off. Eventually it came to life and she tapped on her mail icon, quickly scrolling through her emails, deleting all the junk, all the things she didn’t have the time or interest to read. And then she was left with five emails from her husband, his name alone enough to make her stomach twist in pain; pain from being parted for the first time in ten years from the man she loved so bad. The man she’d never, ever stop loving no matter what.

Maybe she just needed to be honest with Matt and make him be honest with her, get it all out before starting over, make sure they were past all this before they tried to patch their marriage back together.
If he’d still have her that was.

26.

Lisa,

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t think I’ve ever written you a letter or even an email, because you were always there with me and if you weren’t, I just called you. Baby, I miss you so bad. Ten years and we hardly spent a full night apart, and now you’ve been gone two weeks and I’m going crazy. I want you home. Blue misses you; he’s whining every night, waiting for you to walk through th
e d
oor.

You’re my wife, Lisa, and I know things have always been easy for us, but I don’t care if it’s not easy, if we have to fight for it to work. I love you, and I wish I knew what to say to make you believe that I would do anything for you. Anything.

Matt

27.

Lisa,

I don’t know if you’re even checking your emails, but you won’t answer your phone and I’m going crazy here. I wish I’d told you so many things. I wish I’d been honest with you about
. . .
I don’t know how to say it. I’m even worse at writing emails than I am at talking about how I feel.

Tell me where the hell you are so I can come and get you. Blue says he’ll never eat another pair of your shoes ever again if you come back to us. And I’ll promise anything if you just come home.

Matt

28.

Lisa,

So I’m guessing you’re either not checking these or you’ve decided to punish me and not reply. It’s been over two weeks, Lis, and it’s killing me. I’m about to go crazy. If you won’t come home for me, do it for Blue. Do you know that poor dog is standing by the damn door every night waiting to hear the jangle of your keys? He’s miserable, and so am I. Where are you?

I’m so damn angry but I don’t want to say that because I want to tell you myself. Right after I kiss the hell out of you and tell you never to leave me again. We can get through this, can’t we?

Matt

29.

Lisa,

There’s something I should have told you a long time ago. I’ve been sitting here, wishing you were here, then I figured it out. You don’t want to come home to what we had these last few months, and I get that. I don’t want that marriage either. I want us to be happy and not feel like we’re walking on goddamn eggshells all the time. I don’t want to see you crying and not know what to do, or see you happier at work than with me. So I get it.

I just want you to know that losing my mom broke something inside of me. Then you came along and I buried all that shit in my past because it was easier than dealing with it. Until you got sick and cancer took over everything again.

I saw my mom die, Lisa. I touched her body when it was cold instead of warm. I promised on the day of her funeral that I was never going to hurt like that again and that I’d damn well never let that happen to someone I loved. I blamed my dad for so much, for so many things, just because it was easy to make it his fault. And then you got sick and we lost our baby and I realized there was not a damn thing I could do to help you.

I don’t want an adopted baby either. I don’t want anything other than you and our baby we lost. I cry, just not when you can see. When you’re around I turn into a meathead, coming up with a whole lot of ways to fix the problem. But we can’t fix it. We can fix us, but that part of us that lost a baby? It’s okay if that’s always a shitty part of our past that hurts. You’re the love of my life, Lisa, and I wish I’d told you all that before now. I love you and I just want a chance to prove it.

Matt