Always and Forever (8 page)

“For Christ’s sake, Lisa, I just want you!” How did she not get that he was just happy to have her alive?

He’d wanted their son more than anything, still wanted the little boy they’d talked about so much before he was gone, but not if the cost was Lisa.
Never
if he couldn’t do it with her. There was nothing he wouldn’t sacrifice for his wife, to make sure he didn’t lose someone else he loved to cancer. Deep inside of him was an anger so strong it bubbled up like a volcano ready to erupt, a pain that made him want to scream and attack something, anything, lash out and pummel everything in his way. But Matt never unleashed it, refused to let it surface. He wasn’t going to smash his fist into anything, because he was way too close to losing her already, and he wasn’t about to give her an excuse to kick him to the curb.

“So when are we heading off on our road trip?” he asked, quickly changing the subject, not wanting to argue.

Lisa’s gaze was sad. “We can’t just head off. Weren’t we really just talking hypothetically?”

He put his elbows on the table and leaned forward. “Yes, we can. And no, we weren’t.”

“But you’ve got a house to finish and more projects coming through. Don’t you have a bathroom renovation to start down the road? And I’ve got the shop to run, another collection to design . . .”

He reached for her hand, held it. “That’s why I have good guys working for me: so I can take time off when I need it.”

“Just because you can walk away so easily doesn’t mean I can.” Lisa shook her head. “This is just crazy. We can’t just up and leave. I can’t.”

“We can and we are,” he said. “You can get inspiration for your designs while we’re away. Baby, this is one thing you don’t get a say in. I’m taking charge.”

She blew out a big sigh and slumped forward, hands in his. “No.”

Matt wasn’t going to back down. “
Yes
.”

The tears shining from her eyes did exactly what they always did to him; pulled strength from a reservoir within him he hadn’t even known he had until recently. Every tear she shed made him tougher, more determined to support her and be the one to shoulder the load. It didn’t stop his pain or make him any less pissed off with the world, but it made him a stronger man for his wife.

“What are we going to do with Blue?” Lisa murmured, her cheek resting against his hand as she lay slumped over the table. “We can’t just leave our baby.”

Matt chuckled, pleased that she was actually touching him, that she wasn’t pulling away like she had been over the last few months. “We’re hardly leaving him. Regular people go on vacation all the time and leave their pets somewhere nice.”

“My sister might take him.”

“Kelly?” Matt said, cringing at the thought of Lisa’s big sister having their over-active Labrador along with her two kids. “I guess.” He’d been thinking more along the lines of booking him into a kennel so the dog had no choice but to behave and wasn’t in danger of getting up to mischief or escaping.

“I can’t just abandon him.”

As if on cue, Blue came running out, wagging his chocolate brown tail, tongue lolling to the side. Matt groaned when he saw something caught in the corner of his mouth.

“Blue . . .” he growled.

The dog just sat and wagged his tail, the picture of innocence.

Lisa’s head snapped up and she stared at Matt first, then slowly at Blue. “Oh no, what’s he . . .”

Blue licked his mouth and a piece of bright red fabric dropped to the ground beside the table. The way he was staring at them, so pleased with himself, made Matt groan again.

“Blue!” Lisa screamed at the same time as she leaped up and ran.

Matt glared at the dog. “Very bad,” he muttered. “Very,
very
bad dog.”

Blue didn’t even have the decency to look guilty, but Matt knew it was a disaster, whatever he’d eaten. He followed his wife, stopped in the doorway of their bedroom, leaned against the jamb and watched Lisa bent over something on the ground. When she turned she was holding half of a pretty red stiletto.

“I must have forgotten to shut the closet door,” she said.

Matt could have killed the dog. “I’m sorry. They looked cute on you.” He remembered her wearing them with a red dress when she’d launched her summer collection in the store.

She sighed. “My sister might actually kill him while we’re gone.”

“Maybe.” Matt knew she would have almost killed the dog herself for eating a pair of shoes a year ago, but things like that didn’t seem to affect her quite the same way anymore. “On the plus side, you won’t need those kinds of shoes on the road.”

Lisa started laughing then and threw the shoe over her shoulder. It hit the wall. Matt crossed the room and dropped to the carpet beside her, laughing, slinging an arm around his wife. Blue poked his nose into the room at the same time, tail starting to thump against the wall in the hall when he got their attention.

“Come here,” Lisa said. “You bad dog.”

Blue came bounding in, his big body wiggling and making them both laugh all over again as he bowled straight into them, his tongue frantically trying to connect with their faces before he sat down on Lisa and did his best to squash her.

Matt patted his head while Lisa stroked him. Their crazy mutt, who was thick as a brick half the time and hadn’t seemed to notice that he wasn’t the tiny brown puppy he once was, the way he launched at them and tried to snuggle on their knees still. But he’d just warmed Lisa’s heart, got through to her in a way Matt hadn’t been able to in awhile, and that meant he owed the dog big time.

“We’re terrible parents,” Lisa said, still smiling as she lavished attention on Blue. But he saw the smile start to fade, knew he was going to lose her to her thoughts if he didn’t act fast.

“Yeah, but look how much he loves us. He thinks we’re the best.”

Matt didn’t need to be told what kind of parents they’d be, or would have been, because there was no doubt in his mind. He loved their nieces, loved the idea of a little person trailing around after him, of chilling with his kid. And Lisa . . . He steeled his jaw, watching the way she lovingly stroked Blue’s fur. Lisa would have been the world’s best mom. His wife knew how to love, and she had enough room in her heart for a whole football team of kids.

“So when do we leave?” Lisa asked, surprising him. He’d expected to have to do a hard sell to convince her.

“Tomorrow? The day after?” Matt shrugged. “Whenever you want.”

Lisa nodded and gave Blue another big hug. “The day after tomorrow it is. I’ll just have to work like crazy to get everything sorted in the shop.”

Matt leaned over and tried to kiss her, wanted that easygoing thing back between them that he’d been missing, but the dog took his chance and fell over backward trying to lean back for the affection.

“I’m not going to miss this big doofus,” he muttered, grabbing Lisa and pulling her over Blue to get her to himself.

“Take that back! He can hear you!” she protested, shoving at him as he tried to kiss her. Matt ignored her completely, pushing her down to the floor and covering her body with his as he started to kiss her, wanting to show her how much he still wanted her. It had been months since they’d been intimate, since their pregnancy ultrasound when everything had still been happy, and the distance had been weird. He kept his arms locked on each side of her, not letting their pesky dog interrupt.

He was all talk—Blue had ridden shotgun in his Chevy from the day they’d brought him home as a pup, accompanied him to building sites every day. He’d miss him like hell, but this was about him and Lisa, and he was fast realizing how close to losing her he was getting, with or without cancer. Blue would still be here waiting for them when they returned.

Matt pulled back, kissed her slowly this time, her lips soft and pillowy beneath his. “I love you, baby.”

She looped her arms around his neck, the look in her eyes giving him hope that he hadn’t lost her yet. “I love you, too.”

He hugged her tight to him, inhaled the coconut smell of her hair and tried to commit everything about her to memory.

“I know I’ve been a bit of an asshole, but I’m not used to being . . .”

“The adult?” She laughed.

“We’ve been together a long time, and it’s been easy,” he admitted. “Great, but easy. This last year was pretty rough.”

“Yeah, it was. Still is,” she told him, voice tinged with a sadness that was impossible to miss. “But I never wanted you to wrap me in cotton wool, Matt. I’ll get through this. I just need time I guess.”

“Yeah, but the local bar could have done with less of our money, and you could have done with a more doting husband.” Although doting hadn’t exactly worked: he’d felt like he was suffocating her, always saying and doing the wrong thing. Sometimes being apart after her surgery had been easier than being together. Part of him had wanted to treat her like a needy baby bird with a broken wing, but she’d always been the strong one, and another part of him had needed her to stay that way, had had no idea how to turn the tables, reverse their roles.

“I thought I was going to lose you, Lis, and it scared me. It still does. Please let’s go away and just
be
us again.”

Her smile was sweet, genuine. “Okay, fine. I’m convinced. I’ll let Savannah run the shop, and we’ll go away and just hit the road. You’re right, we need it.”

“Damn right we do. Let’s hit the road, baby!”

Matt wasn’t sure that she was as excited as he was, but it felt like his chance, like he might actually be able to make Lisa happy again if he just got her away from home and all the reminders of what they’d been through. He’d seen the old Lisa tonight, a spark of
his
Lisa, and he wanted her back. He wanted things to go back to the way they’d been, and he had no idea what to do if the road trip didn’t work.

9.

L
isa smiled when Matt slapped her on the bottom as he passed her in the kitchen. She looked up, eyes meeting his, and caught him stealing a bagel.

“Matt! Those were for on the road.”

“Lucky there’re shops all the way from here to wherever we drive,” he quipped with a grin.

She groaned, but it felt nice to joke around with him. “You’re terrible,” she grumbled.

“Don’t act like you don’t love it.”

Lisa cracked another smile and it felt nice. The moments of lightness had been few and far between over the last few months, but something about today was making her feel good. Maybe it was just the fact that they were heading away, that things were going to be different for a while with new places to explore.

“I’m heading to the garage to sort a few things out,” Matt said, walking backward and kissing her cheek.

Lisa inhaled his cologne, wished she hadn’t found it so hard to feel close to him when she missed him so much. It was stupid, because they were still together all the time, but their usual spark had been missing and she hadn’t realized how badly she’d been craving it. She was pleased he hadn’t given up on her after all the times she’d turned away. In fact, she was pleased
everyone
hadn’t given up on her. She hadn’t exactly been seeing much of Kelly or her nieces either.

She watched him go, turning when she heard a car horn, followed by Blue scrambling madly on the timber floor and barking as he ran for the front door. Kelly had obviously arrived.

Lisa followed the dog, opening the door and watching him run toward the car. Her sister jumped straight out, and Blue was all over her.

“Hey,” Lisa called out.

“Hey back,” Kelly said. “You excited?”

More nervous than excited, but it was making her smile so she guessed she was kind of buzzed. “Yeah. I think so.”

Kelly walked closer, still fending off the dog.

“Promise me you’ll look after him,” Lisa said, dropping down and throwing her arms around Blue one last time. “I’m going to miss him so much.”

Her big sister dropped down beside her, hand on Blue’s head as she stared into her eyes. “I promise. As long as he doesn’t eat my handbag or the kids’ toys, we’ll be fine.”

Lisa grimaced. “And if he does?”

Kelly laughed. “Then he’ll be put in a box and sent to wherever you two are!”

Lisa hugged her sister, squeezing her long and hard against her body. They’d always been so close, and she hated that she’d been so distant from her and everybody else. “You know I’m going to miss you and the girls. I love you all so much, even if I haven’t seen much of you lately.”

She’d tried to tell herself to live in the moment, not to start tearing up, but something about hugging Kelly and realizing what a shitty sister she’d been lately was getting to her. She realized how withdrawn she’d been. If she said anything now, Kelly would fob her off and tell her she’d had a good excuse, but still. She just wanted to break free of the dark cloud that was following her around, shrug it off for good instead of just for a few hours or stolen moments here and there. And she was hoping that the road trip would do that for her.

“Stay strong,” Kelly said, holding on to her arm and staring straight into her eyes, looking at her like only a big sister could. “And try to have fun. You both deserve it.”

Lisa was pleased Kelly hadn’t brought the girls. The last thing she needed was to pack the car and sob at the same time—it was hard enough saying goodbye to Blue without adding Zoe and Eve to the mix. She loved them so bad, but being around them lately had only reminded her of what she’d never have. She hated being that person when she loved them more than anything, but she couldn’t help the way she’d been.

“See you, Bluey,” she said, trying to sound bright as tears swamped her eyes. She quickly brushed them from her cheeks. “Be good.”

Matt emerged from the garage then, but Lisa didn’t wait for him, wanting a minute to herself. Instead, she waved to her sister and turned her back, went into the house and straight to her bedroom. She had two big bags almost packed on the bed, but everything was still a mess. She didn’t know what to take, what she’d need. And she suddenly wasn’t even sure she wanted to leave her house, because it had been her safe place while she was sick. Her beautiful bedroom with the voluminous drapes swept back from the windows, the walls a duck-egg blue that had taken her so long to choose when they’d been renovating the house. Her white waffle duvet cover and over-size pillows that she never failed to love every time she went to bed; the bedroom that had become her sanctuary and her prison when she’d been recovering. All she could say was thank god for work, but even that wasn’t going to save her marriage if she didn’t start making an effort.
Which was why she had to go on this road trip no matter what.
Because work wasn’t enough.

“You okay?”

Matt’s deep voice made her turn. She took one look at him and ran into his arms, cheek to his chest, listening to the steady thump-thump-thump of his heart. Why had she kept pushing him away when she wanted him so bad?

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, feeling like she couldn’t breathe, like every bit of air had been sucked from her lungs and there was no oxygen left to inhale. “I’m so sorry. But I can’t do this. I don’t want to go away.”

“You can. You know why?”

She looked up at him, loving the gruff way he spoke to her.

“Why?”

“Because I’m your person, and it’s only a trip. We’re not leaving forever,” he said, one side of his mouth kicking up into a grin. “And we’re doing this together: we need the break. Now come with me.”

“Where to?” she asked, blinking away the last of her tears and following him, taking the hand he held out. It was the nursery she didn’t want to leave, terrified of forgetting her excitement, the anticipation of waiting for their first baby, of all those memories, even if they were painful. She wished it hadn’t affected her so badly, but it had and she didn’t know what to do about it. Which was why she was swinging back and forth about wanting to go away on the one hand and hibernating at home on the other.

“Two things,” he said. “The first one is gonna be tough. The second is gonna make you smile.”

Lisa took his hand and followed him out into the hall, but she dug her toes in when she saw the nursery door open, knew instantly where he was taking her.

“No, Matt,” she said, refusing to go any further.

“We need to go in there. Together,” he said firmly.

“Why? Come on, just let me go finish packing.”

Matt stared at her. “We need to look around that room and then shut the door, leave it behind. Together.”

It was so unlike him to be so insistent. “Fine.”

She followed him, hesitated, and then stepped into the nursery and looked around. Even though she knew every inch of the room, knew how many giraffes were on the cute little mosaic going around the room and all the colors of the mobile still sitting on the carpet waiting to be hung, she still looked at every little detail, took it all in.

She looked out the window, out into the garden. The sun was shining brightly, but everything was still lush and green from the rain they’d had. If she’d been home with a newborn, she’d have been spending as many hours out there as she could log. Sitting on a picnic blanket on the grass, beneath the shade of the single tree in the corner of the yard. Admiring cherubic little hands and cheeks, laughing with her baby boy, singing even though she was tone deaf, making puppets and telling stories. It was supposed to be her time, the one time in her life that she stepped back from the business she’d built and took time out just for her and her new baby. Lisa turned around.

“This room is just sitting here, waiting to be used,” she said sadly. “It’s like
we’re
still waiting.”

Matt put an arm around her shoulders. “You want to stay in here any longer?” he asked.

Lisa was surprised at how thoughtful he was being. “No,” she said honestly.

They both walked out and she pulled the door shut behind them, the noise of the latch making her feel sick. All that time she’d avoided going in there with Matt, except that one day he’d found her in there.

“Come on, let’s go out and see your present now!” Matt said, tugging on her hand excitedly.

She sighed, not wanting to do anything anymore. Just being in the baby’s room had drained all of her energy, and now Matt had gone from sweet and thoughtful to something that felt entirely the opposite, even if he was just trying to be nice. He was like a child sometimes, and although she’d always found that part of his personality fun, lately it had been draining.

“What is it?” she asked.

“An anniversary present,” he said, his palm covering hers again.

“What? But we don’t do presents. Seriously, I . . .”

“Come on,” he said, tucking her under his arm, holding her close. “If you don’t like it, we can take it back. This is the fun part.”

Lisa followed him to the garage, mystified. Matt never gave her presents,
never
. She’d always hoped he might get more romantic one day, but there were only so many times she could hear him say that he didn’t buy into Valentine’s Day, birthdays or anniversaries without giving up. “You didn’t have to get me anything.” She hoped it wasn’t a pity present. That would make it even worse.

Matt squeezed her. “It’s kind of a gift for both of us.”

She groaned. “Like the time you bought me a chainsaw?” It was the only other time she could remember him surprising her, all because he’d been desperate to buy a big, expensive power tool. But at least thinking about that dismal present took her mind off everything else, and even made her smile despite herself.

“Close your eyes,” Matt said, leaving her side as she planted her hands over her face. “And no peeking.”

Lisa heard a noise that sounded like the garage door going up, then silence. Until Matt’s hands were closing over hers and slowly putting them back down to her sides.

“Surprise!”

Lisa’s eyes almost popped out of her head. “A car?!” she spluttered, feet immobile as she looked from the car to Matt to the car again. “What the hell?”

“Not just any car. She’s a Cadillac.” His grin told her that he was insanely proud of the gift. “Bet you didn’t see that one coming.”

“
Ohmygod
.” Lisa finally managed to get her legs moving and walked closer, fisting her hands to stop them from trembling as she approached the shiny red Cadillac her husband had just been crazy enough to give her. She touched the gleaming paintwork and grinned as she looked at the cream leather interior. Someone had either loved the car incredibly well or done a great job of recently restoring her.

“She’s beautiful,” Lisa said, turning to look at Matt, deciding not to lose the plot over how much money he must have spent. He’d done it for her and she could see how excited he was. She suddenly looked around, seeing his Chevy truck out front but . . . “Where’s my car?”

Matt looked guilty. “I figured there was no point in having your boring old Toyota sitting around when I could get us a Cadillac.”

“Matt! You sold my car without asking me?!” She planted her hands on her hips, ready to tear into him. Only the look on his face, the smile that had always melted her heart and the nervousness that flashed in his eyes, stopped her. He’d done this for her, for them. The last thing he needed was her getting all sentimental over a car that didn’t deserve it. It had been an average vehicle that she’d gotten used to driving, not something she’d loved. “How can we even afford this one?”

“You let me worry about what we can and can’t afford. Besides, they gave me a pretty good trade-in price for your car. Now jump in and try her out!”

His enthusiasm was contagious and she wasn’t about to be the party pooper at her own party. “I hope it has a roof that works,” she grumbled.

“Course it does, baby,” Matt assured her, opening the passenger door for her. “Your carriage awaits.”

Lisa sat down and burst out laughing, the clouds above her lifting, happiness taking over. “We actually own a Cadillac!”

Matt joined her, sitting behind the wheel. “We sure as hell do.”

“This is crazy,” she muttered.

“You already said that,” he said with a grin. “The day I suggested the road trip in the first place.”

Lisa sighed and leaned back in the seat. It was incredible. She’d never been super into cars, but there was something about the Cadillac that made her feel like someone else. “We’ll be like Thelma and Louise.”

“Thelma and freakin’ Louise?” Matt spluttered. “I ain’t no Louise.”

“Bonnie and Clyde then,” she said with a smirk.

“I can roll with that.”

“
Ohmygod,
please don’t tell me you stole this car? I don’t want to
actually
be Bonnie and Clyde.”

Matt gave her a long hard stare, one eyebrow raised. “No, sweetheart, I didn’t steal the car. Don’t be crazy—even I’m not that stupid.”

Lisa shut her eyes and rested her head back again. It did feel good. The car was beautiful, her husband was bending over backward to make her happy, and they were about to go on the adventure of a lifetime. It might not be what she’d seen in her future, but she wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth, not after all the blows she’d received over the last year. It was time to try, and she was going to make a damn good effort at doing exactly that. For both their sakes. Because she’d been with Matt since she was barely a woman, married her childhood sweetheart. Their problem was that everything had always been easy between them; they’d never had to face any obstacles. Until now. And now life was testing both of them in ways she’d never imagined possible.