Allegiant (6 page)

James once asked me if I could resign myself
to a lifetime of solitude, to be known only as the crazy old cat
lady. At the time I thought I could, because he would be able to
visit me. Now, after spending these last few weeks virtually alone,
a lifetime of solitude sounds about as appealing as swallowing
nails. How much am I willing to sacrifice to assuage my guilt?
James is my Guardian. He can no longer love me no matter how much I
love him. I can no longer release him from his Guardianship when I
die because I am his Ward. Am I willing to sacrifice happiness in
this lifetime and eternity as well?

I look at LB and sigh. It looks like I may
have my answer. I’ve already started my crazy old cat lady
collection of felines. Maybe I should get a rocking chair and start
learning to knit too.

“
Thanks for your
help.”

“
No, thank you,” I say as I
stand. I watch Garrett pile his textbook on top of his notes. “This
class is going to kill me.”

He laughs. “Well, Johnson is going to kill
me.”

By the end of the second week of classes, it
was apparent that I would need some outside Stats help. I mentioned
looking for a tutor, and Garrett told me that he had no problem
with Stats at his previous school. He was, on the other hand,
having a hard time following Ms. Johnson’s train of thought in
Ethics. He received a C on his first essay while I received an A.
We agreed to trade tutorial services on Fridays, since neither of
us have anything better to do. Plus, I thought it would be a
convenient opportunity to learn more about him. Unfortunately,
today’s session left little room for other topics.

Garrett heads toward my apartment door.
“Same time next week?”

“
Absolutely.”

He opens the door to leave as I bend down to
grab LB before she sprints outside. “Have any plans this weekend?”
he asks me.

I stand and shake my head. “I’m not much of
a socialite.”

He smiles. “Me either.” He walks outside.
“Have a nice weekend.”

“
Thanks. You too.” I shut
the door and lift LB up to look her in the eyes. “It’s just us kid.
Whatever shall we do?”

I eye my scattered notes and textbook and
decide to clean them up. As I stack everything neatly, I see that
Garrett left a few papers. He’ll probably need those. I pick them
up and head toward the door and stop. Wait! There are a lot of
things he needs…

I spend the afternoon shopping. Working at
Bay Woods this past summer built up my savings, and I’ve barely
dented it since I’ve been away from home. I pick up some essentials
for Garrett: for the bathroom, a shower curtain and a set of
towels. For the kitchen, an oven mitt and a set of four plates with
matching glassware. I also manage to find a plain, navy blue
comforter on clearance for half off and a bundle of plastic hangers
for a dollar. As I carry my purchases to my car, I find myself
smiling. Not only does it feel great to help out a friend, but I
actually feel like I accomplished something worthwhile with my
time. Now, all I have to do is get him to accept my gifts.

As I drive home, I sing along with the
radio. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this good. I pull into
the parking area for my building, grab the two large plastic bags
out of my trunk, and hum my way to the front door. When I get
there, I stop at my mailbox and head inside.

“
Oh no, you don’t,” I
admonish LB when I open my apartment door. I block her exit with
one of the bags. “Stop trying to sneak out!” Ever since she managed
to get into the hallway the other day, this has become one of her
favorite games. Every time the door opens she tries to escape. I
press my back against the door to shut it while blocking her with
the bag and my feet. “Do I have to ground you?” I ask her. I set
the bags against the wall and head to the kitchen, tossing the mail
and my keys on the counter.

I open the fridge, find a bottle of water,
and take a drink. LB comes in and rubs herself against my leg, as
if to apologize for her antics. I crouch down to pet her. “You’re
forgiven you little stinker.” She rubs herself against my hand and
the bottle, and purrs while I scratch behind her ears. “Do you want
to come with me to give Garrett his gifts?” I ask her. “Will that
make you happy?” She lets out a tiny meow, and I laugh. “Are you
talking back to me now?” She doesn’t answer; she just stares at me
with her big copper eyes. I pick her up, kiss her, and set her back
down again.

Standing, I decide to sort through my meager
mail. There’s a bill from the cable company and a postcard
advertising discounted Laundromat services. I frown as I pick up
the third item. It’s a plain white envelope with my name printed
neatly on the outside. There’s no return address. I tear it open
and pull out a folded newspaper article. It’s from my hometown
paper.

Local Student Returns from Abroad

Says Environmental Conservation Has Never
Been More Important

Not many people will ever experience what
Teagan Meyer has. Teagan, a 2006 graduate of Lake Fenton High
School, has returned home after spending nearly a year and a half
overseas researching the Amazon Jungle.

Upon graduating from Wayne State University
with a degree in Environmental Science, Ms. Meyer competed for a
spot on a ten-man conservation team created to conduct research and
evaluate the state of the world’s most famous rainforest. Of being
selected out of the more than 9,000 applicants, Ms. Meyer says the
feeling was “indescribable” and “a dream come true.”

Sponsored by educational grant dollars and
headed by the World Wildlife Federation, the conservation team
migrated through the countries of Brazil, Peru, and Bolivia
recording the impact of deforestation in the area. “The rainforest
and fresh water systems of the Amazon are incredibly fragile,” says
Meyer. “The countries that contain the Amazon are rapidly
expanding. Without properly planning the creation of roads and
dams, not only are animal species threatened but the livelihood of
farmers and fishermen. That’s on top of the catastrophic effect
that deforestation has on the global climate.” Ms. Meyer hopes to
bring her experience and knowledge to local groups and schools in
the area, in order to affect change. “Every generation needs to
know how important the rainforest is on a global scale,” she says.
“We can all make a difference.”

While she says she wouldn’t trade her time
in South America for the world, Ms. Meyer admits that she enjoys
being back home and the amenities she left behind. She tells us she
plans to spend some down time with her family and fiancé before
launching an awareness program based on her travels. “It will be
nice to finally get the wedding plans under way,” she says. Teagan
is the daughter of Luke and Susan Meyer, prominent community
members and owners of Legionnaire, a local advertising company.
Teagan is engaged to Dane Walker, son of Charles and Lily Walker,
owners of the Bay Woods Golf Course.

I must read the last
sentence of the article five or six times before my shaking hands
make it impossible to continue. The clipping flutters from my
fingers, and I melt to the kitchen floor, stunned. My emotions
betray me as the news of Dane’s engagement brings out feelings I’ve
been trying so hard to repress. We can never be more than friends.
Ever. My brain screams,
“But isn’t that
what you wanted?”
The tears that trail down
my face answer that question.

LB comes to find me, rubbing against my
knee. She knows I’m upset. I pick her up and hold her to my chest
in an attempt to keep my heart in one piece. It’s doesn’t work. I
can still feel it break.

It doesn’t take long for my sadness to turn
into anger. Setting LB down, I wipe the tears from my cheeks. I
pick myself up and walk into the living room, toward the couch. I
rip off the blankets that I had protectively wrapped around it and
throw them on the floor. My eyes find LB. “Have at it.”

I walk into the bathroom and stare at myself
in the mirror. My eyes are puffy, and my face is covered in red
splotches. I try to process what I’ve just learned thanks to –
thanks to whom? Who sent the article? Obviously not Matt or Shel;
they would have told me something this huge in person. Was it Dane?
Is this his way of letting me know? He couldn’t man up and tell me
face to face, or at least over the phone? What a coward! Of all the
low, selfish, and inconsiderate things to do! I thought he cared
about me. At least he acted like he did. Wasn’t he just flirting
with me over text messages?

I turn on the faucet and watch the water run
down the drain. Not only is Dane engaged to the smart, probably
beautiful, world-saving Teagan, the company he works for is owned
by his fiancées parents! Why did he even pretend to care about me
if he was in love with someone else? Here I am beating myself up
over what happened between us when he had a living, breathing
girlfriend all along. We almost slept together! Oh God. I close my
eyes. Now I can add “other woman” to my list of faults. My
reputation grows closer to what Mrs. Davis, James’ mother, thinks
of me. She called me a whore once. Maybe she was on to something.
Tears threaten again, and as I stare at myself in the mirror, I
make a pact with my reflection. I’m not going to bury myself in a
grave of self-loathing over this. I had no idea he was engaged.

After I splash some water on my face, I walk
back out to the living room and see LB has curled up to sleep on
the blankets instead of clawing the couch to pieces. I eye Dane’s
gifts and scowl. I don’t want them anymore, but I know someone who
might. Walking over to the television, I quickly disconnect the
cable wires and AV cords. I attempt to pick up the TV and find that
it’s light, but awkward to hold. I set it back down and head to
Garrett’s apartment, knocking loudly on his door.

“
Yes?” he asks when he
appears in the doorway.

“
I need my old stuff
back.”

He looks wounded. “Oh. Well…all right.” He
turns to look at my old loveseat and television, which is turned
on. “It’ll just take a second to disconnect…”

“
I want you to take my new
stuff,” I add hastily. “In trade.” I don’t want him to think I’ve
suddenly turned into a raging witch.

His eyes widen in surprise. “You don’t want
the Cadillac?”

I cross my arms. “Not anymore.”

He takes a minute to assess me and notices
I’ve been crying. “Are you okay?”

“
Perfect,” I say a bit too
harshly. “Come on.”

He follows me to my place, and we walk over
to the television. “You take one end, and I’ll take the other.”

He grabs one side. “Are you sure you don’t
want this?”

I look him in the eye. “Absolutely.”

We carry the flat screen over to his
apartment and set it on the floor. Garrett collects my old tube
television and starts to carry it out the door, but stops. “You’re
sure?” he asks me again.

“
Yes!”

I follow him back down the hallway and then
reach around him to open my door. We walk across the room again,
and LB looks up at us annoyed. We’re interrupting her nap.

Garrett works to reconnect the cables. “So,
what happened?”

I shake my head. “I wouldn’t want to bore
you with the details.”

“
Try me.”

Just then we hear a knock. I look at Garrett
confused, and he shrugs. I move to open the door and find Samantha
and Todd, our neighbors from upstairs, standing in the hallway.

“
Hi!” Samantha grins at me,
all perky and blonde and made-up.

“
Hey,” I try to smile at
them. I pray that my red splotches have disappeared by
now.

“
We haven’t seen you in
awhile,” she says and looks past me. She notices Garrett. “Oh good,
we can invite him too,” she tells Todd.

“
What’s up?” I
ask.

“
We wanted to know if
everyone wanted to hang out,” Todd says. “We all live together, but
we hardly know each other. Jessica’s in.” Jessica is our other
neighbor upstairs. “How about you guys?”

I look at the two of them.
I remember when I first moved in and met them. I thought then that
they appeared to be the typical sorority-fraternity type; you know,
homecoming royalty, social butterflies. It seems I was right. I
glance back at Garrett with my eyebrows raised, silently
asking
yes or no?

“
I think that’s a great
idea,” Garrett says enthusiastically, surprising me. He walks over
to us. “What did you guys have in mind?”

“
We’re heading to Wayside,”
Samantha says. She looks me up and down. “Meet you there in, say,
an hour?”

If she’s expecting me to get more dressed up
than this, she’s sadly mistaken. I eye what she’s wearing, and
she’s all dolled up in a small-little-white-tank-top and skintight
jeans. I’ve been to Wayside on several occasions; it’s a big place
with several bars, a large dance floor, and a huge game room. I can
blend in easily without needing to dress cute, especially on a
Friday night. I look at Garrett and shrug.

“
We’ll meet you there,” he
says with a smile.

“
Great,” Todd says. “We’ll
hang around the entrance until you guys show up.”

“
Bye!” Samantha wiggles her
fingers at us over her shoulder as they leave.

I close the door and look at Garrett.

“
What?” he asks.

“
I thought you weren’t a
socialite?”

“
Can you blame me for
wanting to get out once and awhile?”

“
No.” Actually, I’d like to
get out once in awhile. I need to get out, especially after my
recent discovery. “Meet you at your place in fifteen?”