Allegiant (10 page)

“
Don’t,” he cuts me off
before I can utter a word. He closes his eyes and clenches his
hands into fists, as if trying to keep his emotions in
check.

I imagine the conclusion
he’s jumped to. “It’s not what you think,” I say hurriedly, as I
stand and walk toward him.
But it kind of
is
, my subconscious pipes up.

He opens his eyes. “I don’t want to know,”
he says, even though his jaw is still tense. “It shouldn’t matter
to me anymore.”

I look at him, pleading. “But I want to
tell…”

“
Emma, stop.” He stares at
me, his eyes intense. “I don’t care about the details.”

I know he’s lying.

“
What matters is that he
hurt you and that is unacceptable.” He starts to pace
again.

I’m at a loss for words. I want to make him
feel better. I want him to know that whatever was between Dane and
me was brief and obviously over.

James walks past me. “I could kill him,” he
mutters under his breath.

I’m worried that angry James is going to
make a return appearance, and I try to diffuse the situation. “It’s
not that serious.”

He stops pacing and looks at me. “Everything
that involves you is serious. It’s my duty.”

I realize his reaction has more to do with
jealousy than his duty. “It’s really okay,” I protest, even though
I’d like to say a few choice words to Dane myself.

“
No one should ever hurt
you,” he says defiantly. “You don’t deserve it.”

I walk toward him. “Let’s not talk about
this anymore. I want to forget about everything involving
Dane.”

“
You deserve an
explanation,” he says. “You can’t let him get away with this. Stand
up for yourself.”

I give him an exasperated look.

“
I mean it. If you don’t do
something about it, I will.”

“
Like what?” I try to make
light of the situation. “Haunt him?”

“
Amongst other
things.”

I don’t think I want to know what the others
things might be; I want to drop the subject. “I’m done talking
about this.” I walk backward to the couch, sit down, and pick up my
breakfast again. “Where were we? Oh yes,” I pause. “What are we
doing today?”

He looks at me pointedly. “Don’t let him get
away with it.”

I roll my eyes. “I know. I got it.”

“
Do you really?”

“
Yes!”

He eyes me warily. “You know I’ll know.”

“
Yes Dad, I know you’ll
know.” Why won’t he let this go? “So, about today?”

He sighs and studies my face. I chew on my
now-hardened cinnamon raisin toast. He finally relaxes a bit. “I
think we should pay a visit to your neighbor.”

“
I agree,” I say and finish
up my orange juice. “Just let me shower and we can
leave.”

About twenty minutes later I emerge from the
shower, wrapped in a towel, to find James playing with LB on my
bed. I stand in the doorway for a few seconds, taking in the sight
of them playing together. He drags a piece of yarn back and forth
for her to catch. The scene makes me sentimental. It looks so
normal, and I get caught up in it. This is exactly how things
should have been for us, would have been for us, if it wasn’t for
that horrible night. Tears unexpectedly jump behind my eyes. What I
wouldn’t give to go back in time and change our future.

James turns to me in a flash. “What’s
wrong?”

I blink quickly, trying to hide my tears. I
walk into the room and past him. “Nothing.” I open a dresser drawer
and search for something to wear.

He’s behind me in an instant, setting his
hands on my shoulders. “Tell me,” he says softly.

I continue to search through my shirts and a
tear escapes. “You and LB…it just hit me, that’s all.”

He stands behind me, patiently waiting for
me to elaborate. I select a shirt and move to the next drawer. I
pull out a pair of jeans and then move on to find some underwear. I
try to brush the tear away indiscreetly with the back of my hand,
but its hard holding on to my clothes and the towel, and I miss. He
turns me around by my shoulders, looks into my eyes, and runs his
thumb across my cheek. His sweet gesture makes my eyes well up even
more.

“
Tell me,” he says again,
concerned.

I hesitate. I don’t want to bring up
unpleasant things. “I got caught up in the moment, watching you
with LB. It reminded me of our plans before…how you should be
here…”

Without a word, he pulls me against his
chest, wrapping his arms around me. He tucks my head beneath his
chin and remains quiet while tears fall silently down my face. What
can he say? There are no words that can change our reality. I need
to pull it together. That he is here at all is a miracle, and I
don’t want to make it seem like it’s not enough. I stand up
straight and step out of his arms. “I’m good,” I say, wiping my
face. I drop my clothes in the process.

“
You’re not.” He bends down
to collect my things and then stands. “My being here is too hard
for you.”

“
You’re wrong,” I say
adamantly.

“
I should go. It would be
easier for the both of us.”

I look at him, crushed. “You want to
leave?”

“
Of course not.”

“
Then don’t.” I take my
clothes from his hands and turn to place them on top of the
dresser. I let the towel fall to my feet, and pull on my underwear.
I put on my jeans next, and then reach for my shirt.

“
That’s not helping,” James
says quietly from behind me.

I freeze. I wasn’t thinking; I’m so used to
being alone. I glance over my shoulder, and he’s no longer there.
“I told you not to leave!” I say loudly as I throw the rest of my
clothes on.

“
I didn’t!” I hear him yell
from the living room.

I walk into the bathroom to grab my
hairbrush and then go to find him. James is sitting on the couch,
playing with the remote. “This TV sucks,” he says, punching
buttons.

“
Okay, Matt,” I say and sit
cross-legged beside him, pulling the brush through my
hair.

He gives me a funny look.

“
Matt told me the same
thing when he was here,” I clarify.

James nods. “You should really think about
getting a new one, especially if I’m going to hanging around
more.”

I laugh sarcastically. Would Garrett
consider another trade?

“
What?”

I shake my head. “It’s nothing.” I comb the
tangles out of my hair, and remove a tie from the handle of the
brush. “Ready to go?”

“
Yeah,” he sighs and turns
off the television. We stand and head to the door. On our way, he
stops abruptly in front of me, and I walk right through his
body.

“
What…?”

Suddenly, he grabs my upper arms and pulls
me to him, his mouth coming down hard on mine. His kiss is
demanding and just when I begin to relax in his hold, he stops. I
look at him, bewildered.

“
You need to keep your
clothes on,” is all he says. He releases my arms and walks around
me to open the door. He ushers me outside before LB can run
out.

“
It’s my apartment, you
know.” I try to be annoyed, but inside I’m beaming. I still have
the same effect on him that he has on me.

He shoots me an agitated stare and says
nothing.

I lead him to Garrett’s door and tentatively
knock. As we wait in the hall, I mull things over. Their situation
really has nothing to do with me. “Should I be here?” I ask.

James steps forward and knocks harder. “Yes.
Garrett involved you. You deserve to know what’s going on as much
as I do.”

I have to admit I am curious. We wait, and
James knocks again. When the door remains unanswered, he says,
“Wait here.”

“
Where are you
going?”

“
We tried the polite way,
now it’s time to be rude.” He steps forward and disappears through
Garrett’s door.

I’m left alone in the hallway, staring
stupidly at where James just stood. I don’t think I’ll ever get
used to what he can do.

Minutes later, he reappears. “He’s not
home.”

I roll my eyes. “I could have told you
that.” We head back to my place. “So, did you learn anything from
your B & E?”

He laughs. “There was no B. Only E.”

“
Very funny. I’m
serious.”

James walks through my apartment door and
opens it for me from the inside.

“
Show off.”

He smirks. “No, I didn’t learn much.
Except…” He looks across the room longingly.

I close the door behind me. “Except
what?”

“
He has an amazing
TV.”

James and I spend the rest
of the day wrapped around each other on the couch. I get caught up
in a
Pretty Woman
movie marathon, and James periodically disappears to see if
Garrett has returned. I tried to talk him into making me lunch in
order to improve his cooking skills, but that was a no go. As
evening fell, I tried to coerce him into making me dinner as
well.

“
Actually, I should get
back,” he sighs and untangles himself from me. I try to hold on but
grab only air.

“
You’re leaving?” I ask,
worriedly.

“
I need to be seen. I don’t
want to raise any suspicion.” He stands over me as I sit
up.

“
What about
Garrett?”

He frowns. “If you see him, tell him I’m
looking for him.”

“
When will you be
back?”

He leans over me and kisses my forehead.
“Soon.”

I wrap my hand around his neck to keep his
eyes level with mine. “You promise?”

He flashes that familiar James smile that
makes my heart beat faster. “I promise.”

I hear my cell chime from the bedroom,
telling me I have a text message. “Somebody is looking for you,” he
says and stands.

“
It’s probably my mom. Or
Shel,” I say, standing as well.

James takes a step back and starts to
evaporate.

“
Can I still tell you I
love you?” I ask as he fades.

“
Only with your clothes
on,” he teases.

I look down at myself in an exaggerated way.
I’m fully clothed. “I love you.”

He has completely disappeared, but I still
hear his voice. “Until the end of forever.”

My cell chimes again, and I go to see who
needs me. When I pick the phone off my nightstand, my stomach drops
to my toes.

Hey Grace.

It’s Dane. I earned that
nickname after a rather grace-less fall in front of him. What could
he possibly want? The last thing I want to do is respond; I need
more time to plan what to say. But James’ voice rings in my ears
from this morning –
“Don’t let him get
away with it.”
Let’s get this over
with.

What do you want?
I send. I hope my rude tone is implied.

Just to say hi. How have you been?

How have I been? Well,
let’s be honest.
Pissed. Sad. Intoxicated.
You?

What’s wrong?

I let out a short, harsh
laugh.
You tell me.

How would I know what’s wrong??

I’m not in the mood for
games.
Really? Ask your
fiancée.

It takes less than a minute for my cell to
ring. Dane is calling, and I refuse to answer. I prefer to handle
this over text; I don’t want him to hear my voice. I’m terrible at
lying, and I’m terrible at fighting. I want to come across as
angry, not emotional. He calls three more times, and I send each
call to voicemail.

He texts again.
Answer the phone.

No.

Please.

I don’t want to talk to you.

Let me explain.

Explain what? That he’s a
liar?
No need. I understand
perfectly.

You don’t understand anything at all.

It’s pointless to argue; he
lied and we’re through.
Lose my
number.

The phone goes silent. The longer it stays
that way, the more pressure builds inside my chest. I set the phone
down and curl on my side on the bed, pressing my face against the
pillow. My heart hurts again, and I’m unsure if it’s due to sadness
or anger. I fight back tears as I silently wonder how long it will
take James to realize my pain and return to me.

Almost instantly, I hear a knock on the door
and bolt upright. Who could that be? James wouldn’t knock. When I
open the door, I’m surprised to see Garrett standing there.

“
What’s up?” I try to ask
normally. A suspicious lump has formed in my throat.

“
Is James here?” he asks,
looking anxiously around the room.

“
No, not right now. He’s
been looking for you all day though.”

Garrett steps inside. “You need to call him.
It’s urgent.”

“
Call him how?”

“
There’s no need,” James
says from behind me, making me jump. “I’m right here.”

“
We need to talk,” Garrett
says and walks around me.

James crosses his arms. “I agree.”

The two of them stare at each other, as if
at an impasse, and nothing of consequence has even been said. I
close the door. “Don’t let me get in your way.” I blink to get rid
of any lingering tears and start to make my way to the bedroom.