Aint too proud to beg sfdg-1 (17 page)

It could be a really short ride, she said. Ive never been on a motorcycle before.

He watched Josie walk up to the Harley-Davidson, trace her fingers along the shining chrome and the supple leather. She gripped the handlebars and pretended she was gunning the engine, which made her laugh. Then she looked up at him with those impossibly gentle gray eyes and smiled.

Maybe someday? she said.

God, Josie. I dont know.

She nodded and walked toward him. When she stopped before him and looked up into his face, Rick knew she expected him to embrace her, but he couldnt. He just couldnt do it. Suddenly, he felt alone. Walled in.

Paralyzed by the fear.

So Josie embraced him. She slowly wrapped Rick in her arms, one around his waist and another up high on his back. She just hugged him. She didnt try to talk him into anything or tell him any lies about how she trusted him with her life. She just hugged him tight, and didnt let go.

Eventually, his arms pulled her tighter.

Rick wasnt sure how much time went by, the two of them standing there holding on to each other, the sound of the tractor off in the distance, the friendly tomcat rubbing against his ankle, the rhythm of Josies breath.

But it was enough time for him to reach the still place inside him. It dawned on Rick that he had a woman who cared for him in spite of everything. A woman who was strong enough to hear the truth and loving enough to forgive.

Eventually, Rick raised his hands to Josies soft curls and he stroked her hair. He lowered his lips to the top of her head. Josie, he whispered.

Im right here.

He supposed that was the miracle. She was still there.

If we ever did go for a ride, hypothetically…

Yeah? Josie raised her head and smiled at him.

Wed have to stay on the ranch. I wouldnt feel comfortable taking you on the road.

That sounds fun.

Well, it might not be, Rick said, feeling his agitation escalate again.

We could get miles out in the vineyard and Id ask you to get off and walk back.

Why would you do that?

Because I could freeze. I could decide that I couldnt go another inch.

Lucky for you Ive got a strong pair of legs.

He chuckled, aware of how her optimistic nature soothed him, cut through the nonsense. Everything about you is strong, girl.

So do you want to give it a try with me? Josie grinned at him. Rick knew she was asking for a bike ride but reminding him of their promise to each other.

Suddenly, Teeny appeared in the doorway to the gym and leaned up against the wall. Hed just finished his cardio and was soaked in sweat, and the tender concern on his face meant hed overheard at least part of their conversation. In fact, Rick wasnt one hundred percent certain the wetness on Teenys cheeks was from his workout.

Without a word, Teeny walked over to the shelves on the far wall of the south barn and pulled down an iridescent purple helmet with a visor that Rick had never noticed before.

This ought to fit, he told Josie, tapping her on the shoulder.

Josie whirled around in delight and grabbed the helmet, shoving it down over her curls. Teeny adjusted the chinstrap and gave the top of the helmet a pat.

How do you feel? Teeny asked.

Like a real Harley mama, Josie said, her grin spreading. How do I look?

Teeny shook his head, laughing. You didnt happen to bring any black leather and fringe with you, did you?

She shrugged. Forgot to pack it.

Teeny winked at Rick. The bikes ready to go, man.

But Rick wasnt. It took every ounce of strength he had to stay put, feet planted on the concrete floor, and not run for his life. He didnt think he could do this.

For the first year after the accident, the memory of the crash would loop through his brain dozens of times a day, debilitating him mentally even as he fought to heal physically. The memory was always the same.

The rain on his face, the rush of the drugs and beer in his bloodstream, the womans warm, living body pressed up to his back.

Then the guardrail would appear in the headlight. The bike would lose traction as he tried to make the sharp turn. In that split second he would recognize that hed been going so fast that there was no way out.

The impact. The blackness. The pain. The self-hate.

So what do you think, man? Teeny asked.

Rick stared at him, remembering how one day he simply had to stop wishing he could rewrite history and focus on retraining his mind instead. He would visualize the rain cool on his face, the clarity of his sober mind, his responsible speed, his smooth control around the hairpin turn. Then he would visualize returning Margot safely home.

Only then could Rick begin to believe his life had value, that hed been allowed to live for a reason. Thats when he got squeaky cleaneven going off pain meds. Thats when he set up the foundation, moved to San Francisco, and started his company. Thats when hed begun to live, for the first time.

Rick knew the fear that was trying to strangle him at that very moment wasnt real. It was only another creation of a negative mind, and he would not let it run him.

Lets do it, he said, taking a step toward the Harley.

Are you sure? Josie asked.

Hell, no, Rick said. Lets go before I chicken out.

Des Moines was only 158 miles behind him, and Bennett hadnt planned to stop in Lincoln, Nebraska. It was only mid-morningtoo early for lunch and a couple hundred miles before he would need a fill-up. But the Skylark was acting funny, lurching a bit when he pressed the gas. So he pulled off at the first truck stop/diner complex he saw, appreciating the serendipity of the situation as the neon words MECHANIC ON DUTY flashed against the dreary sky.

The mechanic was a friendly, middle-aged man missing most of his teeth, who informed Bennett that the Buicks fuel pump had seen better days. He told him it would take at least $500paid in advanceand a couple hours to fix. Bennett promptly paid in cash, and the mans eyes widened. The bean soup is the only thing worth ordering up at the diner, the mechanic told him by way of appreciation.

Bennett walked the hundred or so yards between the garage and the sprawling roadside restaurant and convenience shop. On the way through the main double doors, he witnessed what no longer even startled himan unfolding human drama of the most sordid kind. A young couple were insulting each other. She kicked him in the shin. He called her a ho, and left her standing on the sidewalk. He drove off in his car with her screaming after him, informing him he aint shit. Just another day in America.

Bennett went inside and leisurely reviewed the scant offerings on the magazine rack, and selected the most recent issue of /Fortune./ He paid for his purchase and took a window seat in the restaurant. He ordered a cup of coffee, but passed on the highly recommended bean soup.

A thud on the window caused him to look up from a rather tedious article on the newest struggles of credit consortiums. The shin-kicker had just slammed her forehead against the glass. Her eyes were clenched shut, her mouth was open, and her shoulders shook. Bennett didnt hear any sound, so he decided the glass was either soundproof or she was in the midst of a silent scream.

He flipped the magazine page, appreciating the sleekness of the latest Mercedes sedan. The glass shook with a pounding.

Bennett looked up and sighed. The girl on the sidewalk was banging her clenched fists on the window, and everyone in the place could hear her wailing now. He saw the hostess tell the manager to call the police.

Bennett rose from his booth. Shes with me, he told the management. Give me just a moment to calm her down. I assure you the police arent necessary.

By the time he reached the sidewalk, the girl had fallen to her knees and had redirected her fists into the concrete. He touched her shoulder.

Young lady, stand up.

She shook her head wildly. The colorful beads woven into her hair clicked together like a wind chime in a storm.

Stand up now, Bennett said, more forcefully. He put his hand under the arm of her jacket. If you dont get a hold of yourself the management is going to call the police. I recommend you do what you can to avoid that.

The girl looked up at him, disdain twisting her mouth. I dont need nobodys sympathy.

Bennett glanced around, noting the crowd that had begun to gather.

Pardon my candor, but I think a hysterical black girl abandoned at a truck stop in the middle of Nebraska might want to take advantage of any offer of assistance.

Her lip curled. How do you know Im abandoned?

I watched him leave, Bennett whispered. Please, come inside where we can finish this conversation.

The girl then turned her head and saw the audience, now several truckers deep. She jumped to her feet and wiped her face with her palms, suddenly in agreement with Bennett. She picked up her backpack and swung it over her shoulder.

Im not what you think I am, she said in an angry whisper, walking past Bennett as he held the door for her. When Bennett motioned toward his booth, she sat, but not before shaking her head with contempt and giving him a warning. Dont ever touch me again, she hissed. Once Bennett had taken his seat, she leaned across the booth and said, I am a strong and proud woman and I dont want nobodys damn charity. This is my problem and I will come up with my own damn solution.

Bennett smiled. Understood. In the meantime, would you care for something to eat? I hear the bean soup is excellent.

Um, you can go faster if you want, Josie said loudly, peering over Ricks shoulder to the speedometer, watching the needle hover between the numbers ten and twenty.

Nope. This is good, Rick shouted, his body still rigid as a board in her arms.

Josie hung on, enjoying her bumpy crawl down one of the hundreds of dirt lanes crisscrossing through the vineyards. What section are we in right now? she asked.

Its still the chardonnay. Were getting ready to go into the redswe have a cabernet and a merlot past the split-rail fence.

The dog pack raced by them, kicking up the dust. The motorcycle continued to chug along. Josie sighed and turned her head so she could rest her cheek on Ricks strong back. She squeezed him tight, and let herself smile.

I love you, she whispered, not nearly loud enough for him to hear. I love you, Rick Rousseau.

Josies smile widened. She was riding on the back of a Harley through her boyfriends vineyards! Okay, there wasnt enough wind to blow back her hair, but it was still a picture-perfect moment. How was it possible that in less than a month her entire world had been transformed? That night on the Celestial Pet sidewalk seemed like it belonged to some other woman entirely. She supposed it hadthe woman back then was the prelist Josie Sheehan. But the girl with her thighs wrapped around a thousand pounds of steel and leather was the postlist Josie Sheehanthe girl whod placed her order with the universe and was now a thoroughly satisfied customer.

She made a mental note to review that infamous list when she got back to the city, because she felt certain Rick hadnt failed to measure up in any category. /A funny, respectful, generous, intelligent, deep-thinking man who is passionate about his work?/ Check. /Loves dogs?/ Check. /Spiritual? Enjoys nature?/ Oh, yes. /Overcome obstacles in his life?/ Puh-lease! /And the imaginative, passionate, sensual man shed always dreamed of?

The mad kissing skills? The eyes that revealed his soul? The go-all-night-ability?/ Yes, yes, yes, and yes! /Well endowed?/ Ha! In his pants /and/ his nonprofit!

Everything okay back there? Rick yelled.

Josie laughed. If the weekend had taught her anything, it was that she could love a man who met all her requirements, yet was terribly, irretrievably flawed. Funny how that worked out.

Perfect! she shouted back.

T
he girl hadnt said much for the last two hours. Not that additional conversation was necessary once theyd established the ground rules for the trip: if he tried to touch her or disrespect her in any way, shed kick his ass to the Pacific Ocean.

Bennett had always been a fan of straight talk.

He dared a glance her way and found her sleeping, her right cheek pressed up against the window glass. He pegged her for about twenty, maybe slightly older. She was dressed like any other young kid hed seen on the roadjeans and a tight T-shirt layered over an even tighter T-shirt. Her denim jacket was clean. Her high-top sneakers looked new.

Her black hair was braided tight at her scalp but hung loose to her shoulders, dotted with purple, white, and blue beads. She had beautiful, almond-shaped eyes, clear skin, and nice teeth. Not that hed seen her smile.

He wondered if she was a college student. Or if she had a job. He couldnt place her accent. The only jewelry she wore was a pair of cheap gold hoop earrings.

Keep your eyes on the road, she said, her face still pressed against the glass.

The road ahead was Interstate 80, same as the road behind. And thats how it would remain all way to San Francisco. Bennett looked out the window and saw nothing but flatland. At times during the day hed felt like Jonah, swallowed by some great beast of the grasslands, its innards alien and stark.

My name is Bennett, he said. Whats yours?

The girl sat up in the passenger seat and scowled at him.

Look, mister, I wouldve never accepted a ride with a stranger unless I had to. Im smarter than that. She wagged a finger at him. I weighed the risks and benefits and made my decision. But Im not weak and Im not stupid. Never have been. Never will be.

I see that.

So dont fuck with me.

It is not my intention.

She stared at him in silence for a moment. What is your intention, then? she asked, her hostility mellowing to distrust. Why did you buy me lunch? Why did you offer to drive me west?

Bennett kept his eyes on the road as instructed. You clearly needed assistance. Weve all been there at some point in our lives.

The girl reached up and fingered the gold-fringed Mexican flag hanging from the rearview mirror, along with his pine-scented air freshener. She laughed. If youre Mexican, then Im Vanna White.

Bennett smiled. I borrowed the car from a friend. Im of German heritage.

Her stare nearly burned a hole through the side of his head. Do people call you Benny? she asked.

He laughed. How ridiculous it would sound if anyone in his life addressed him so casually! Even Julia. Interestingly, hed hardly thought of Julia in the last several days. It was as if she were part of a life that no longer existed for him. Ben or Benny would be fine, he said.

My name is LaShelle.

Nice to meet you, LaShelle.

Thanks for the ride, Benny.

Of course.

Mind if we listen to music?

Im not sure what stations are available out here.

Oh, I brought my own, she said, reaching between her feet to root through her backpack. She shoved a CD into the slot in the dashboard, adjusted the bass level, and relaxed in her seat.

The thumping was so severe that Bennett expected to look in his rearview mirror and see Skylark parts scattered over I-80s westbound lanes.

Nice speakers! LaShelle said, bobbing and weaving to the pounding beat.

Bennett kept his hands on the wheel and his eyes on the road while LaShelle sang along to lyrics that, from what he could deduce, warned of big changes coming. He liked the sentiment.

What is this song called? Bennett shouted. ?Big Shit Poppin!

How prophetic, he thought.

Late that night, in a motel room on the Colorado borderand across the hall from LaShelleBennett took out his Rand McNally map. He already knew what the pages would show, but he wanted to savor it: revenge was three days away. Big shit was about to pop, indeed.

Josie didnt show for the six A.M. walk with her friends. She had no choiceshe was exhausted. Rick brought her home about ten the night before and stayed until three in the morning. How was a girl supposed to survive a seventy-two-hour emotional, spiritual, and sexual roller-coaster ride and still be interested in a break-of-dawn Monday morning hike?

So she took Genghis out on the leash for a quick lap around the block instead, knowing she looked as rough as she felt, and hoping she wouldnt run into anyone she knew. She stepped in a pile of dog doo in the middle of the sidewalk. God, how she hated irresponsible pet owners! By the time she got back to her apartment, she had less than an hour to get herself together and get to work.

As she was drying her hair, Howie showed up at her apartment, wanting to talk about Beth. Josie sat with him on the couch, her hair still wet on one side, and listened to him vent and cry. She assured him that giving her sister another chance was the smart thing to do. Howie hugged her, told her what a great listener she was, and reminded her that the family was going out to dinner that night for her fathers birthday. She arrived at the paper a whole hour late with only half of her hair styled.

Of course, Bea was the first person she saw when she entered the newsroom.

Sorry I didnt make it this morning, Josie said, hardly able to look her in the eye.

Bea cocked her head and twisted her lips. You should check your voice mail more often, Joze. Weve all canceled for the week.

Josie felt her eyes widen. Not once in all their years of friendship had they canceled their walking date for an entire week. A couple days, sure, like when everyone accompanied Ginger to divorce court. But a week?

Whats wrong? Josie said, the guilt sending her heart rate through the roof. Shed disappeared for days on end and had no idea what shed missed in her friends lives. Oh, my God, did Roxie get fired?

Bea shook her head. The Spanish Inquisition doesnt meet until Wednesday, but Roxies plan is to continue her pedal-to-the-metal freaking out until then. And one of Gingers boys was picked up by the police late last night for trespassing and curfew violation, so shes taking a couple days off to deal with him.

Josie stood frozen in the center aisle of the newsroom as Bea spoke, people weaving by them to get where they needed to go. She felt numb with remorse, ashamed for abandoning her friends for a manespecially when they didnt even know she had one!

Look, Bea, Ive got something I need to confess Bea touched her arm. Why dont you save that thought until we all get together again next week? Im sure whatever it is, Ginger and Roxie wouldnt want to miss it. Bea smiled. It can wait a few days, right?

Josie squinted, trying to figure out why Bea would turn down an exclusive. That wasnt like her. Josie had the feeling shed missed much more than Bea was letting on.

But Im late for an editorial meeting, Bea said. Talk to you later, okay? I like your new hairdo, by the way. /Ooo-kaay./ Josie watched Bea take her usual speed walk through the newsroom. Then she raised a hand to the still-damp left side of her head.

A college intern bumped Josies arm in passing and coffee splattered down the front of her white blouse.

At that point, Josie admitted to herself that she may have just wrapped up the most stellar weekend of her life, but the week ahead wasnt looking so hot.

Just wanted to update you on where we stand on this lovely Monday morning.

Rick motioned for Teeny to come in the living room and have a seat. He took the large rectangular package from him, pleased with how it had been bundled in several layers of bubble wrap under the brown paper.

This is great, Teen. Come on in.

It wasnt often that Rick took a day off, but he decided to cut himself some slack that particular morning. As it happened, the weekend with Josie had required physicaland emotionalskills hed either ignored for many years or had never used at all.

And he was worn out.

Teeny took a seat on the white leather couch and crossed his legs, launching right into it. Lets see, Bennett Cummings is officially MIA, your brand-new girlfriend knows everything about you, including the security codes to your properties and how much youre worthto the pennyand Gwen Anders just turned in her resignation.

Teeny held out a single sheet of Meadowbrook stationery. Rick reached for it, immediately reading the four terse lines of type followed by Gwens elegant signature.

He groaned. I told her this wasnt necessary.

Teeny shrugged. She showed up bright and early and left it on your desk.

Didnt have a damn thing to say to me when I asked her what was up.

Rick frowned, then handed the paper back to Teeny.

Ill call her.

Teeny shrugged. You can do whatever you like, of course, but I have a feeling our girl Gwen is serious. Ive never seen her look as ragged as she did today. He shivered. Scary.

Rick laughed and sat down in a chair across from Teeny. So whats the latest with Cummings?

Nothingthats the problem. Nobodys seen him at his estate. Nobodys talked to him. Hes not used a credit card or conducted a bank transaction or made or accepted calls to his cell in five days.

Maybe he really is

Not in any hospital we can find.

All right, Teen. Rick sighed. What do you suggest we do?

His friend looked around Ricks Pacific Heights home. You could stay in here for the rest of your life. You know, watch TV and take naps.

Rick smiled. That may be whats happening today, but its not what I plan to do with the rest of my life.

Oh, yeah? You got plans I dont know about?

Rick got up from his chair and went to the bank of windows, knowing that when he said aloud all hed been thinking that morning it would sound like crazy talk. He knew Teeny wanted him to be happy, but more than that, he knew his friend wanted him to be safe and sane.

I plan to ask Josie to marry me. He kept his back to Teeny, and waited for the response he knew was coming. When he didnt receive it, he turned around. Teeny had fallen against the back of the couch and was cradling his bald head in his hands, as if he were trying to keep his brains from falling out.

Id like to find a ring by the end of the week, Rick continued. Something simple but so stunning it will blow Josie away. When Teeny still had no comment, Rick went over to him and leaned in his face.

Dont try to talk me out of it.

Teeny shook his head. Wouldnt dream of it.

Rick sat back down. You think Im moving too fast?

Teenys hands fell from his head and he smacked them down on his knees.

Fast? He laughed. Fast would be if youd known her for a couple years.

This is warp-speed shit, Rick. Youve only known her for a couple of /weeks/!

Rick nodded. So you dont like her?

Teeny shot up from the couch. I /love/ her, man. Shes great. Im not questioning the who of this situation, Im questioning the when.

I dont need more time. I know its right. I know shes the one.

Okay. Teeny held up his palms in surrender and sat back down.

The two stayed silent for a long moment. Teeny finally said, If you believe its the right thing, then it is.

Thanks.

And you know Im not one to shy away from high-end jewelry shopping, so count me in. Teeny got up again and headed for the door.

Hey, wait a second. Rick reached in his jeans pocket and pulled out a small piece of memo paper. He glanced at Josies handwriting and smiled at the memoryJosie had jotted this information down before Rick left her place much earlier that morning. She had been naked and twisted up in the sheets, her cheeks and chest flushed and her eyes sleepy. Rick handed the same paper to Teeny. Check on this womans story for me when you have a minute. Id appreciate it.

Teeny took the paper, frowned, and read it aloud.?Gloria Needleman, age eighty-four, Cayuga Terrace? Teeny looked up with a theatrically sly smile. We gonna get a ring for her, too?

Rick ignored him. Apparently, this lady warned Josie that I was in danger and advised her that being my girlfriend would require forgiveness.

What the hell? Every trace of humor was gone in Teenys expression. How do you know this lady?

I dont know her, thats the point. I have no idea who she is.

Teeny folded the paper and stuck it in the pocket of his jacket. So how does Josie know her?

Rick laughed. She interviewed her a few weeks back for an obituary about her husband, and the lady gave her some advice for the lovelorn on her way out.

Teeny shook his head. I dont like it.

That seems to be your mantra lately, Rick said, patting him on the shoulder. I want to head over to Josies this afternoon. I thought Id surprise her with dinner when she gets home.

What are you going to do, break in?

Rick chuckled. She gave me a key.

Well, its nice to know shes as lax with her personal safety as you are.

Teeny sighed. Ill pick you up at four.

It was stupid of me to fall for it, I know, LaShelle said. He told me he had a producer friend in L.A. who would record a demo for me. Thats where we were headed when he dumped my ass in Nebraska.

Im sorry, but I dont know what a demo is, Bennett said.

LaShelle laughed. Its a CD with a few of your songs on ityou know, a /demonstration/ of your talent.

Of course.

Youre such a nerd, Benny, she said, playfully punching him on the arm.

What did you do back in Rhode Island, anyway?

Bennett smiled, noting how shed just violated her no-personal-contact rule. I recently retired from a chemical manufacturing corporation. I worked there for forty-five years.

Shit! LaShelle said. How did you survive a job that boring for that long? I worked a couple months at a Taco Bell and I thought Id die.

Bennett laughed. Its amazing what you can get used to.

LaShelle smirked. Thats not how I plan to live /my/ life, I can tell you that. She shook her head and raised her chin. Im going for it, Benny. Im getting my ass out there and Im taking on Los Angeles and the world and one day youre gonna be hearing my shit everywhereon the radio, in movies, on TV.