accidental 11 - accidentally ever after (26 page)

“Your head, of course,” she drawled long and low, as she ran a fingertip over the surface of a shined-to-perfection tabletop next to the chair Toni was pinned to, dragging her hand as though she were deep in thought.

“Because?”

“Because I was told just this day by a spy here in the castle that you, my interfering guttersnipe, are the face of the prince’s one true love!”

Toni squinted in confusion, blowing the material of her bell-shaped skirt out of her face as it rose again. So this wasn’t about the shoes? And hold the damn phone. The prince didn’t even know her, and she sure as hell didn’t know him. This was ridiculous. Again, more piss-poor miscommunication.

“You Shamalotians need phones so this won’t keep happening.”

“A what?”

Toni rolled her eyes in otherworld frustration. “It’s this thing you talk into. You dial it, it rings, someone picks it up on the other end and you communicate without all this back-and-forth nonsense. I think everything would go much more smoothly if you could just give each other a call. For instance, you could have just called me and told me what all this was about.”

“’Twould not matter if I called you on this phone or sent a message by horny toad. The answer would still be the same.
You
are the prince’s true love!” she screamed in outrage.

“Horny toads carry messages? Is that like Shamalot’s version of carrier pigeons?”

“Shut up with your endless prattle before I behead you here and now and watch your blood spill at my feet!”

“Whoa, Nellie. Easy there. Now, just say that one more time. Because I think I missed the impact of the statement. I’m the prince’s
what
?” she asked, still absorbing this new information.

“The prince’s one true love, moron!” she bellowed with agitation, gripping the sides of her lush gown in white-knuckled fists. “The Great and Wonderful Roz saw your face in her mirror, and that soft-in-the-middle King Dick took her advice. I have it on good word it was
you
the prince will spend the rest of his days with. The king sent my Resplendant away as though we’d never bartered at their births to merge our lands via marriage!”

The Great and Wonderful Roz? Priceless. Really. This predicament was priceless. And she’d laugh, because one of the only things on her body she could move was her lips anyway, but she had a sneaking suspicion she was going to die if she went too far.

Instead, she attempted to sympathize with the queen. “And who’s the Great and Wonderful Roz? Is she the authority on true love? Did she perfect the art of matchmaking and I missed it?”

“She’s the king’s advisor, his oracle, and whatever that crony says, he does. Without thought!”

Toni popped her lips. “Ahh. Got it. I understand your frustration. So does the prince love your daughter Splendid?”

The queen’s eyes lit up, almost rolling to the back of her head. “
Resplendant
! And it doesn’t matter who the prince loves, you simpleton! It only matters that on the advice of some doddering, centuries-old woman, the king has canceled our contract because he wants his son to be,” she made air quotes, “
happy
,” she said on an eye roll as she began to pace the length of the room in quick, fiery steps.

“Okay, so here’s a thought, and it’s one I’ve considered often when it comes to you villains in a fairytale. Why not just communicate? I mean, say you invite King Dick over for a cocktail. Something holiday-like. Egg nog, a candy cane martini, maybe. Then you sit, you chat, maybe you make some weenies in a blanket, because food really is the universal language, right? Then you do something totally crazy, like say, ‘Hey, KD, you made a deal with me. I don’t like that you broke your promise. It makes my feelings all hurty.’ Then he responds by saying, ‘I’m sorry, Angria. I wasn’t being very sensitive to your feelings, was I?’ There’ll be a lot of ye’s and ’tis’s and whatever, but you get the general picture, right? Why does everything have to be all-out war? It’s Christmas, for the love of Cheetos. Peace. Love. Harmony.”

The queen raced across the floor toward her, her heels clacking against the hard marble in her mad dash. She bashed down Toni’s skirt with a fist, effectively crushing her crinoline.

“Are you mad? He humiliated my daughter! He refuses to budge. That mealy-mouthed mule sent me a message via my liege, and told me my beautiful Resplendant is not the proper wife for Price Iver, and he won’t have any son of his unhappy for eternity. He will not move an inch! Thus, you must be beheaded before his very eyes!”

“Is the prince’s name really Iver?” Toni asked on a giggle-snort. “Who wants to marry a guy named Iver, anyway? Do you really want to look across your Thanksgiving table, which I’m sure is fabulous, and call your son-in-law
Iver
?”

“
Shut up!
” she screeched in Toni’s face, shaking the crystal chandelier in the center of the ceiling. “You will pay for this! Everyone will pay. All of Shamalot will see its bitter end when I’m done!”

Toni refused to cower, but wow, this woman was scary with all her white teeth, shiny red lips, and glittering angry eyes. “But wait! What if I told you I love someone else? What if I told you I don’t even know who Prince Iver is? What if I told you I don’t even come from this time, and I can leave and go back home and then you can force the king to allow your daughter to marry the prince?”

That stopped her dead in her tracks. “
What?
”

Toni licked her lips while she tried to move, but she was cemented to the damn chair. “It’s true! I’ll hit the road, sayonara, later gator. The king can’t make Prince Whatever marry me if I’m outtie, right? We just remove the problem and poof, instant marriage and land and whatever else it is you want.”

The queen straightened; her spine so stiff Toni thought it might crack. “What maiden in her right senses wouldn’t want the riches of the king?”

Now Toni rolled her eyes hard with a grating sigh. “
This
maiden, lady. I’m good with TV dinners and a drippy showerhead forever if it means I get to live. I’ve been beaten down, spit at, yelled at, punched, dumped in the ocean, knocked out, wore these damn uncomfortable shoes for miles and miles in more snow than I think Siberia’s ever seen. I’m happy to hit the road if it means—”

She snatched up Toni’s right foot, effectively silencing her. Swirling a finger along her calf, Angria eyeballed the sparkly purple shoe, still as perfect as when she’d first been forced to wear them.

Her eyes went from wonder to a narrowed pair of slits in her head. “These shoes? Where did you get them?”

Toni fought to keep her face impassive. She really didn’t know about the shoes? Who was she kidding? They didn’t even really know anything concrete about the shoes either, other than they’d guessed the shoes allowed her to absorb her foes powers.

But they didn’t know that for sure. Still, she felt a little smug the queen was blissfully unaware, and she needed to keep it that way for just a little longer.

“I said, where did you get the shoes?” Angria demanded.

“Um, Brenda, the Good Witch of the South. She y’alled ’em right onto my feet.”

“And what do they do?” she drawled, her interest clearly aroused as she squeezed Toni’s foot.

Now Toni smiled, her grin wide and accommodating as she pointed her toe to show off the shoe. She just might stand a chance at getting out of here and warning the king he was about to see his kingdom crumble because he’d made a stupid decision.

“Wanna see?” she asked, all sweetness and light.

The queen lifted her sharp chin and dropped Toni’s foot, sucking in her cheeks. “
Show me
.”

Hell yeah. “You bet,” she said affably.

Toni cleared her throat and rolled her head on her neck to work out the kinks. Opening her mouth wide, she inhaled and exhaled with slow precision—before the burn of a stream of fire rose upward and exploded from her throat in billowing fashion.

She aimed the flames directly at the queen, spraying her thoroughly. Queen Angria fell to the floor with a howl, her black and purple dress splaying out behind her.

“
I’ll kill youuuuuu!
” she bellowed, shaking the entire room as she threw her hands over her face to shield herself.

As if she hadn’t heard
that
before.

But lucky for Toni, as Angria fought the flames, she also released the spell gluing her to the chair, giving her a chance to make her escape.

Lunging from the chair, she bolted toward the door, hoping against hope she could find her way back to the ballroom to warn the king that Angria was here and on the warpath.

* * * *

The entire ballroom stopped all motion as Nina lifted Jon high in the air and demanded an answer, her arm trembling. “I said,
who
.
The. Fuck. Are. You
?”

Marty and Wanda grabbed at Nina’s arms. “Put him down, Nina!” they yelled in unison.

But Nina wasn’t letting go, and his warrior’s heart, despite the dire circumstance, smiled. First, it meant she still had a bit of her strength. Second, she was fiercely loyal, unafraid to protect her own, and Toni had become one of hers by circumstance. If Toni chose to return to her homeland, she would be well cared for.

Gripping her wrists, Jon looked down at her from the shelter of his hooded jacket, keeping his voice calm, his eyes steady. “Please put me down, Pale One, so you do not tax yourself, and I shall explain.”

Nina gave him a good hard shake before she let go of him, dropping him on the floor in a heap as she said with a sneer, “You damn well better, you piece o’ royal shit. Why do you look exactly—and I don’t just mean a little, I mean
exactly
—like the damn guy in the fancy pants and stupid knee-highs?”

“My stockings are not stupid! Arrest her for—for—I don’t know for what!” the prince shouted in a bluster of red cheeks and spittle flying from his mouth. “Just arrest her for insulting me!”

The king turned with a sharp pivot of his foot just as the prince issued the order, stopping the procession toward his throne. The crowd all turned to stare in Jon’s vicinity, their eyes wide.

This was the very reason Jon had been avoiding this Christmas Eve. He’d hoped to do this quietly, privately. Alas, nothing was going quite the way he’d planned.

Wanda jammed a finger under his nose, her ivory wings feverishly flapping her ire. “I knew it! I knew there was something just a little off about you, Hot Pants. Not something bad, but something off, and I’m never wrong,” she yelled, yanking him to his feet. “What gives, Flawless?”

Marty crossed her arms over her chest and nodded her head vehemently. “’Rucy, you got some splainin’ to do.”

“Who are you? Remove your cloak’s hood and reveal yourself!” the king shouted, barging through the crowd to stand before Jon as the queen and the prince followed behind, their eyes peering over his shoulder.

Jon instantly bowed, sweeping his arm across his midsection. “My apologies for disturbing your festivities, Sire.”

“Rise!” the king thundered as his guards surrounded him on the chance Jon was a threat.

Jon did as he was bade, standing to face the king, his jaw clenched, his determination in place for what was about to come. He pushed the hood from his head.

And then the king gasped, as did the queen.

Aka, Mom and Dad.

His mother clutched the glittering jewelry at her long neck with a gloved hand, her eyes wide, her ageless face full of horror. “
Who are you
?” she hissed.

Well, if he was ever going to, as Marty said, shoot his wad, it would be now. “I am Prince Iver Daring, firstborn of King Dick and Queen Jane of the beloved Shamalot.”

Chapter 16

Y
ou could have heard a pin drop, but only for seconds before the crowd burst into a ripple of gasps.

Toni’s mouth fell open as she hung over the balcony, watching Jon’s confession unfold. And as it did, everything made sense. His chivalry, his immaculate manners, the slip Muriel had made with his name, how sad he’d been about missing his family, those obligations he’d talked about.

All of it.

She was going to kill him. Gut him with his stupid sword of wrath. Because what Queen Angria had said was true—she really
was
the love of the real prince’s life, and
her
life had been in imminent danger because he was off playing Robin Hood, Prince of Stealing Other People’s Identities.

“You lie!” the fake prince yelled, pointing to his ruffled chest. “
I
am Prince Iver Daring!”

Jon shook his head, his expression full of sorrow as he clapped the fake prince on the shoulder. “Nay, Jon. There is no reason to play the part any longer. You had us locked in a cell to keep us from the inevitable happening. I know it was your fear that made you respond as such. You somehow found out about our arrival, and you did not want to risk being exposed. Was that not the way?”

The prince waffled, his face, so identical to Jon’s going red, but he remained silent.

“’Tis as I thought. But now we must tell the truth, Jon Doe. Would you lose Resplendant, the love of your life for all time by pretending you are something you are not? Do riches mean more to your heart than true love? Do you wish to be wed to someone you do not love? Isn’t that how this whole adventure started? Because I did not wish to be wed to someone I did not love.”

The prince waffled, his eyes straying to the king and queen in guilt, but he didn’t appear to be backing down. He was staying in character to the bitter end. “He lies, I say! Guards, arrest him!”

The slice of steel in the air as the guards drew their swords made Toni scream, “No!”

An old woman from the far corner of the room, wearing a magnificent coat in red crushed velvet lined with white fur and a hood shadowing her face, pointed upward, her wrinkled finger aimed at Toni. “It’s her! Price Iver’s one true love!”

The crowd gasped again, followed by murmurs and whispers behind their gloved hands.

She watched as Jon’s eyes flew upward to meet hers, his face a mixture of relief and guilt and more relief.