Accepted (4 page)

****

It was beautiful out, and as we walked down the steps of the front of the building, Colin turned to me and asked, "Another class?"

"Nope, that’s it for today."

I was done for the day before eleven o’clock…you gotta love college.

"Me too," Colin replied, "want to walk over to the cafeteria with me to grab lunch?"

I was thrilled and desperately wanted to say yes, but of course, I couldn’t speak. I could barely speak around Colin when he asked me a question in a large group, let alone when he was asking me a question like this and it was just the two of us. And I know this happens all the time, friends eating lunch together. I’ve eaten almost every meal since I got here with Colin; he was always at my table. But this was the first time it would be just the two of us.

Hmm, I wondered if I could consider this a date. If this were a movie, it would
so
be considered a date.

"What do you say?"

I looked up at him, nodded, and smiled. No words required.

Colin spent our walk to the dining hall pointing out the spots on campus he considered his own personal landmarks. I spent the walk trying to figure out how I was going to carry on a two-way conversation with him over lunch. I didn’t know how
not
to be flustered and awkward around him. If I was going to continue spending time with him, an exciting and inevitable prospect now that we had class together, I was going to have to overcome my awkwardness when he was near.

Lunch seemed as good a time as any to start.

"And that’s where I had my first-ever college class last year," he pointed to a red, brick building. "It was raining the first day of classes, and I tripped at that corner and dropped my books in a puddle." He started laughing. "They all got completely soaked." He looked at me, still laughing, and said, "So did I."

I laughed with him. "That sounds like something I would do."

We reached the dining hall then, and Colin opened the door for me. We walked up to the cashier, swiped our IDs and went in.

"So, what’ll it be?" he asked as we walked around the different food stations.

Having no idea what to get, I followed Colin as he grabbed a slice of pizza and fries. To be honest, I wasn’t hungry at all, even though I hadn’t eaten breakfast. By that time of day, I’d usually be starving, but being around Colin — especially alone — made me nervous. I wasn’t completely sure why, because he also had a way of putting me at ease. It was a very strange mixture of feelings.

Beyond the nervous, flip-floppy stomach, the scattered thoughts, and the inability to speak, there was always a sense of…right…when he was near, a feeling of comfort. Maybe it was because Colin was the first person here who spoke to me, who helped me. Maybe it was because he chose me last night in the dormitory lounge to make the mandatory exercise bearable. Maybe it was the way he smiled at me or kept up the conversation when he saw that I couldn’t.

I didn’t know why, but Colin made me feel wanted.

He wanted to help me with my bag. He wanted to ask me a million questions. He wanted to run into me this morning. He wanted to have lunch with me today.

No one had ever made me feel wanted before. I never realized how nice it would feel.

****

Lunch with Colin turned out different than I anticipated. I was surprised at how effortless it turned out to be.

After my realization, in the food line, that Colin made me feel wanted, I decided that he deserved more than just nodding and smiling. He deserved to be treated as well as he’d been treating me. His kind actions warranted at least that. That meant pushing aside my absurd crush and focusing on our friendship.

So I did. I sat across from Colin and treated him as I should any friend.

Sitting there, I realized that I knew nothing about him, other than his hometown and major. I figured a friend would know more, so I started asking questions.

"So, what made you want to be a doctor?" It was a question every student but Colin had asked me upon hearing my major, so I knew it was a pretty good ice-breaker.

"My mom’s a doctor." He stated it so matter-of-factly that I felt like I should have known it already, but honestly, I was shocked.

"Really?" It was the only reply I could muster. I’d never known anyone whose parents had gone to college, let alone medical school. Then again, my family wasn’t a particularly good reference point for anything having to do with education.

Colin smiled at my reaction and nodded his head. "Really."

"What does your dad do?" I’m not sure why I asked that, but I was suddenly struck by an image of his family. In my image, his dad was a lawyer or an accountant, and his family was perfect.

"He died when I was younger, but he was an electrician," he said and took a bite of his pizza.

Okay, that was unexpected.

"I’m sorry," I said without thinking, even though I’d always hated when people did that, apologizing when they’d done nothing wrong. People had done it to me all my life — teachers, counselors, principals. They’d learn I had no parents, and they’d apologize. I’d always wanted to ask them why. Did they kill my mother? Were they keeping my father from seeing me? If not, why were they sorry? I’d absolutely hated it, yet it was all I could say to Colin now.

He looked at me and nodded. Yeah, he hated it too. I changed the subject back to his mom.

"So, what kind of doctor is your mom"?" I asked gently, hoping I wasn’t pressing the subject. I know what it’s like to not want to talk about your family, and I didn’t want to push it.

Thankfully, his face brightened. A new look, one I’d never seen in him, crossed his face. It was pride. He was proud of his mother,
really
proud. I felt my face break into a smile in response.

"She’s an oncologist," he replied, then clarified, "a cancer doctor."

I didn’t tell him that I already knew what it meant.

He continued, and the love and pride in his voice was so profound that I felt tears spring to my eyes and had to blink them away. "She was a nurse, but she went back to school after my dad died. She worked really hard." He smiled at me.

"And now
you
work hard," I said and continued, "She must be really proud of you — you know, following in her footsteps."

He nodded, looking down at his food. "She loves her job. She tells me all the time that it’s important to love what you do. For her, the only way to love what she did was to do something that helped people. That’s something I get from her — I can’t imagine not loving a job where you can help people."

I stared at him, shocked. I would have never imagined these words coming from this boy. He looked up and caught me staring.

"What?" he asked gently. He scrunched his eyebrows together as in trying to solve a puzzle of some sort.

I just kept staring. Then, finally, I said, "I just didn’t expect you to say that. It took me by surprise. Most people go to school to help themselves, not other people. Most people don’t think like that, you know?"

"But you do."

He didn’t say it like a question; he said like he was stating a fact.

"What?" I asked. Confused and a little surprised by his tone, I leaned toward him across the table.

"That’s why you want to be a doctor…to help people." Another fact.

"What makes you say that?" I leaned back. "You don’t know me like that." Maybe I said that a little too harshly, but I was taken aback by these statements and the way he said them. He didn’t know me, didn’t know my goals or dreams. Maybe I just wanted to make a lot of money or prolong my college experience with medical school. Maybe I just liked science.

"You’re right," he interrupted my internal rant, "I don’t know you like that, Ashley. But I do know you want to help people. That’s just who you are; I don’t have to know you well to see that."

I just looked at him, and he smiled the most heartbreaking smile. It lit up his entire face and made his beautiful eyes twinkle.

"Alright, I give." He held his hands up in a conciliatory gesture. "Why do you want to be a doctor?" He was still smiling.

I looked down at my, as yet, untouched cheese sandwich and sighed.

"To help people," I mumbled. Know-it-all.

I looked up in time to catch his triumphant smile. I rolled my eyes at him, and he laughed. I picked up my sandwich and took a bite. It was time to change the subject.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" I was always curious about people’s families. I loved to hear stories about moms and dads, brothers and sisters, holidays, pets and family dinners. But I was very curious about Colin’s family, more so than usual.

"Yup," he answered, "one of each." When he smiled, I saw a hint of the same look he’d had when talking about his mother. "They’re both younger than me," he continued. Then he looked into my eyes and asked, "You?" His voice was serious.

I looked away from him and shook my head as I answered, "No." I picked up my sandwich and took another bite.

It was silent for a long moment. Finally, I lifted my head until my gaze met Colin’s. He had a strange look on his face, another one I hadn’t seen before. He looked serious, too serious, but also a little sad.

"It’s strange," he began, "We did that whole interview thing, and I asked you a million questions. And then we’ve talked and stuff, you know, but I feel like I don’t know you at all, Ashley." He leaned over the table toward me. "But," he continued, "I feel like I’m
supposed
to."

He was still staring at me with that strange look and, for a minute, I just sat staring back. Then, suddenly, I had to look away. The way he was looking at me was too intense, and so I abruptly shifted my eyes down to the table. I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts.

There was a reason Colin didn’t know much about me; no one knew much about me, and I needed to remember that. I would not have him feeling sorry for me, pitying me. I was happy in this life. I would not let that old life interfere. I could not let my guard down.

I lifted my head and looked back up at him. His beautiful face still looked sad. I forced my mouth into a smile, but I knew it didn’t reach my eyes. I wanted so badly to open up to him, to
anyone
, but Colin especially. He had been so kind to me; I felt I owed him candor. I owed myself candor. But I knew that wasn’t possible.

"Colin." I breathed his name and leaned toward him even more, resting my chin in my hand. "You probably know more about me than anyone on campus," I replied as lightheartedly as I could manage. It was true. After last night’s exercise, he really did know more about me than anyone on this campus — more than most people I met ever got to know. I kept the smile plastered on my face as he leaned in more, our faces were only inches apart now.

"Yeah," he said, but he shook his head. "But it doesn’t feel like enough." He spoke softly.

He seemed so…upset. I didn’t know what to say, how to react. I wanted so badly to open up and tell him whatever he wanted to know about my parents, my family, and my homes. I wanted him to
know
me. But I knew better. I’d done that before.

Opening up to him wouldn’t make me or Colin feel better.

I leaned back in my seat, away from him, letting my hands fall to the table. I shook my head, trying to clear it, and looked back up at him. He was looking down now.

"What doesn’t feel like enough, Colin?" I asked, narrowing my eyes. "Why does it even matter?" I probably spoke a little too harshly, but I was frustrated. The mood had shifted; it wasn’t comfortable like before. I missed the comfort acutely. I wasn’t sure what to say or do next.

Colin lifted his eyes to my face, stopping at my eyes, and just stared into them. I froze. Then he slowly shook his head slightly, his eyes never leaving mine, and whispered, "I don’t know. I haven’t figured that out yet, but I know it does."

I stared back at him, still unsure of what to say. Then, I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out, and I closed it again. We just sat there, gazing at each other, both unable to speak.

And at that moment, Amber and Randi decided to show up.

****

The walk back to the residence hall was a little tense, as was the rest of lunch. I stayed seated at the table with Amber and Randi when Colin stood with his tray and asked if I’d like to walk back to the dorm with him. I knew there was a significant choice to be made at that moment, and I chose the girls.

I hoped I’d chosen right.

As soon as Colin vacated the table, Randi pounced.

"So, you and Colin seem to have really hit it off." Her attempt at nonchalance was unsuccessful. "Every time any of us look up, the two of you are off giggling together in some corner."

I knew no good would come from me insisting Randi explain who "us" referred to, nor would it do any good to point out that Colin and I were actually sitting in a crowded dining hall during peak lunch hours when she happened upon us. No, no good would come of it, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t wish I could react in kind.

Unfortunately, I knew that I had to handle this particular situation tactfully. Worse, I had to bow to Randi.

I’d already weighed the odds in my head, already compiled my pro/con list, and the sad truth was that being one of Randi’s followers was infinitely better for me than not belonging at all. There wasn’t anything worse than not belonging here.

I'd only had a taste of this life, and I wasn’t willing to give it up yet.

I thought carefully about the best way to curb Randi’s suspicions. I knew I would tell her the truth; I wasn’t imaginative enough to come up with any lies as to why Colin and I were together. Now, I just had to decide which version of the truth…what to keep in and what to take out. Obviously, I would explain that we had class together and that we were in the same major. However, I would not explain the ridiculous fantasies I had during said class or that I considered Colin my first real crush.

"Yeah, I know, right. We have class together. It’s so nice to actually know someone in a class."

Not a bad response…indifferent…pointed to school as our only connection, while admitting that I was happy to see him. Randi really couldn’t say anything negative. My work there was done.