A Witch In Time: Magic and Mayhem Book Three (11 page)

“Zelda,” he reprimanded sternly. “I’ve been alive for hundreds of years and I only fleeced assholes.”

“Define asshole.”

“Castro, Mussolini, the king of England,” he informed me.

“England has a queen,” I snapped.

“I’m old,” he shot back. “Plus I invested and spread the wealth amongst the poor of those countries. I’m not heartless. I’m just an outstanding poker player.”

“Poker cheater,” I corrected him.

“That too,” Fabio admitted with a long sigh and a small grin. “However, I’ve given it up. You’re not the only one turning over a new leaf. I too am changing—I’m changing because of you.”

“I’m not worth it,” I muttered rudely, still not ready to stop being mad at him. Why I was angry with him for giving me so much, I wasn’t quite sure—but I was.

“You are so worth it,” he stated firmly. “And I’ve let it be known to the world that I am no longer gambling.”

“How did the world take that?”

“Some better than others,” he admitted with a wince. “I’m dedicating my life to the arts, being a father you can be proud of and to getting into Baba Yaga’s pants.”

“Okay, all of that was pretty awesome except for the last part. You’ve just tacked on at least twenty more years to my therapy schedule. Roger is going to be devastated.”

“Zelda, we’re living in an age where parents and children should be open with each other—bond like friends. I read this valuable information on an internet parenting website,” Fabio explained in all seriousness.

Parents and computers equaled a mother-humpin’ nightmare.

It was time to fight fire with fire.

“So you want to be open and honest with each other?” I asked glancing around to see if there was a stray cookie anywhere that I might have missed. I needed caloric fortification to get through bonding with my dad.

“Yes!” Fabio announced grandly. “I want to have a modern relationship with my daughter.”

“You asked for it,” I muttered as I snagged a few crumbs off the coffee table and popped them into my mouth. “I like to dress up like fairy tale characters and play out a warped version of the stories before I bang Mac’s brains out. He built me a tree house and he’s going to climb my hair and then do me until I can’t walk. He has an enormous… ”

“STOP,” my dad shrieked as he began to glow and levitate. “The internet is a filthy liar. I shall find the bastards who wrote those barbaric parenting sites and smite their asses to hell. The truth does not set you free—it scars you for eternity. It’s like acid being poured on my brain,” he bellowed in abject horror. “This is the most awful experience I have ever had and I was alive when they were burning witches.”

He was now hanging onto the chandelier as he hovered above and had turned a foreboding shade of green. I would have laughed if I wasn’t worried he might hurl on me. I waved my hand and produced a large umbrella just in case.

“Are we done here?” I inquired casually.

“Yes,” he choked out, near tears. “We are definitely done. If you need me, I’ll be at the bar in town downing alcohol. I need to wash a few images out of my brain.”

“Good luck with that,” I told him sweetly as I quickly made my way out of the den and up the stairs. I’d kind of scarred myself in the process of horrifying my dad.

The day needed to end. I was going to close my eyes and dream about my wolf. I just prayed to the Goddess that my dad’s green face wouldn’t pop up and ruin my dreams.

Fabio was a total lady-boner killer.

CHAPTER 11

“If we don’t wake her up, we can do the deed while she sleeps and then we don’t actually have to talk to her or look her in the eye,” an unfamiliar, high, squeaky male voice chattered while chomping violently on something.

“YeahIdontliketoseethefaceorhearthescreaming,” another grunted in an equally feminine tone for what I was fairly sure was a man.

“I really don’t enjoy killing people, especially humans,” a third lamented as it too smacked on something.

Human? These idiots thought I was human and they were going to kill me? WTH? And what in the Goddess’s name were they chewing on?

I lay in my darkened bedroom and considered my options. I could easily blow whomever they were to smithereens, but I wanted to know why they felt it was okay to come into my bedroom and off me. I should have let Fabio ward the damn house. I was not in the mood to pop anyone. It was messy and I was a healer, for the love of the Goddess. I was seriously tired of people wanting me dead—my mother’s recent attempt on my life was enough to last me centuries. This was rude and unacceptable. I was at a totally good part in my sex dream of
The Little Mermaid
—starring me and Mac.

“Do we actually have to kill her? She’s very pretty,” the first one whispered.

Point for the intruder. He might not have to die—possibly a thorough maiming, but not six feet under.

“If we’re gonna stop the play we have to kill her. She’s the star.”

“Howaboutwejustbreakherlegs?” the marble mouthed dolt suggested.

And then they all started talking at once. Loudly. And they were smacking on what I could only guess was gum. All I could hear was high-pitched bitching and gum popping.

Wait. One. Minute. They were going to murder me in my bed because I was playing Joan Crawford? I knew I was a bad actress, but I did not deserve to die for it. I was done with this shit. And I was quitting the damn play in the morning.

“Goddess on high, hear my call

I am so fucking tired of taking the fall

Take the rude little chompers and render them mute,

Tie them in knots and, um… wrap the bastards in jute”

Not my best, but it would do… I was freakin’ tired.

With a wave of my hand the lights blasted on and the intruders blew wildly about the room. There were some terrified screams from my uninvited guests and the jig was up—kind of. In reality
they
were up. Up on my ceiling. Tied together in a pretzel looking arrangement and secured with rope. Their mouths were sealed shut, but their jaws still moved frantically. The Goddess had taken me literally on this one.

The eyes of the little trio of turds were bulging. I wasn’t quite sure if the ropes were too tight or if that was the natural state of their face. It was highly unfortunate looking and I actually hoped it was the fault of the ropes. The three men were tiny in stature, dressed in matching red overalls and all had a shock of wiry brown hair that stuck straight up on their little heads. They didn’t look like they could kill a flea, much less a witch with the power I possessed.

I was the proud owner of my magic, my departed Aunt Hildy’s magic, and unfortunately my mother’s dark magic. I was a bad combo of juju. A magical menace who been rudely awakened just when I was getting dream-laid. These boys had fucked with the wrong witch—pun very much intended.

“Who are you?” I demanded as I got out of my bed and realized I was buck-naked.

The bulging eyeballs were now positively grotesque. I wiggled my nose and dressed myself quickly. Uninvited gum chewing assbuckets did not get to see my goodies.

“If I have to repeat myself, you’re going to start losing body parts,” I explained as nicely as I could under the circumstances.

I had to give it to them. They tried. However, with their mouths sealed shut it was difficult. Interestingly, it didn’t stop their jaws from working a mile a minute on the gum. They were a weird science experiment gone wrong. I was certain they were Shifters, but I wasn’t sure of the species.

Clearly Fabio and my cats weren’t home. The ruckus would have brought them to my room in a flash. That left me to assume they were tying one on together at the bar. I was on my own here.

With a loud and nasty stinging green zap of magic I released the hold on my would-be killers’ mouths. Immediately I wished I hadn’t. The gum thing was akin to nails on a chalkboard. And the voices—oh my Goddess, the high, shrill, tinny voices.

“Imsurewegotthewronghouse,” Marble Mouth shrieked. “Yourenotevenalittlebithuman.”

“Ya think?” I snapped, wondering what exactly I was going to do with them.

“We weren’t really going to kill you. I mean, I think we’re supposed to, but we’re not actually good at that kind of thing,” the one in the middle promised, chewing so rapidly I was sure the gum would come flying out of his mouth.

“Didn’t sound like that about thirty-eight seconds ago,” I stated calmly as I took a seat at my vanity and removed a bright orange wand I’d won at a carnival from the top drawer.

Witches didn’t need wands. Some used them for show. I used them like chopsticks to secure my hair into fabulous up-dos. However, these little shits didn’t need that piece of info. They quivered as I waved it around menacingly.

With their noses twitching, eyes bulging and the jaws working over time, I almost felt sorry for them. They were pathetic and the red overalls were a disaster. The pretzel formation they were twisted into made them resemble a floating freak show.

With an eye roll and a large sigh, I tried again. “Names?”

“Chip.”

“Chad.”

“Chunk.”

The names answered my next question as well. They were chipmunk Shifters—the C names gave it away. I should have been able to call it from the nose twitching and the gum popping, but it had been a really long day.

“Alrighty then, little dudes. I take it you’re here to off me, as if you have a chance in hell of doing that,” I muttered with a shake of my head. “But before I turn you into warty, smelly toads, you’re going to answer a few more questions.”

“Icantswim,” Chunk, formerly Marble Mouth, wailed.

“And this concerns me why?” I asked.

“BecauseifyouturnmeintoatoadIlldrown,” he explained in between chews.

“Again,” I repeated slowly, as if English was his second language. “Why should I care if you drown since your nefarious plan was to kill me?”

“I see your point,” Chip volunteered politely.

“Thank you, Chip,” I said. He was the one that thought I was pretty.

“Welcome, ma’am,” he grunted between chomps.

“Drop the ma’am. I’m only thirty and I find it insulting. However, I find it more offensive that you thought I was human and that you could come into my bedroom and end my life. You feel me boys?” I asked as I flicked my fingers and set the end of my wand on fire for effect.

“YesIcanseehowthatmightnotappeal,” Chunk said, nodding as vigorously as the ropes would allow.

“I have a few questions and it would bode well for your chances of surviving the night if you answer me,” I said as I pointed the fiery stick in my hand at them. “Sound fair?”

“Yes,” Chad, who’d been somewhat silently gnawing on his gum chimed in.

The others nodded in concurrence as they too worked on obliterating the sugary piece of rubber in their mouths.

“First off, do you all have to chew that gum?”

“Um, yes,” Chip said as he blushed in embarrassment. “If we don’t eat nuts or chew gum, we’ll eat the insides of our mouth clean off. We’re vegetarians so self-cannibalism is not a tempting concept.”

“Okay, gross. Please keep chewing, but try a little harder to keep your mouths closed,” I suggested, trying not to gag at this new piece of information.

“Do you have any nuts in the house?” Chad inquired.

Goddess, there were so many ways to answer that question. I decided to stick to plain and simple.

“No, but if you don’t cooperate, I’ll feed you each other’s nuts.”

Radio silence. Blessed and total silence. I suppose I’d shut the hell up if I were threatened with eating my friends’ privates too.

“So now that we’re clear on ramifications, how did you get here? The area is being patrolled by wolves. You dudes don’t seem to be the sharpest tools in the shed and I’m curious how you weren’t detected.”

“We took the highway,” Chip said as he glanced at his buddies and gulped.

“What highway? There’s no highway in Assjacket. You clearly want to eat nuts,” I threatened.

“He means the treetops,” Chad cut in quickly, not taking any chance of losing his balls. “We come in high so our scent couldn’t be tracked.”

“Why?”

“Wehavetostoptheplay,” Chunk said, a mile a minute.

“Why do you have to stop the play?”

“Because it’s ruining everything. If the play goes on and it’s successful, we die,” Chip told me.

“Trust me, the play sucks enormous wads,” I muttered, confused as to why the success of
Mommie Dearest
had anything to do with them seeing another day. “You realize your story has holes in it. I can pop your little scroties off with a blink of my eye. Being vegetarians I would think you might be a little more forthcoming.”