A Witch In Time: Magic and Mayhem Book Three (6 page)

Making it through the vent quietly was the easy part. Listening to the discussion? Not so much. Why did doing things you shouldn’t always bite you in the ass? Hard.

“She should be dating warlocks not animals,” my dad hissed as he paced the floor and counted his wad of cash.

“Fabio,” Fat Bastard said as he shuffled a deck of cards with expertise. “She don’t like warlocks. They’re all jackasses.”

“Excuse me?” Fabio snapped and narrowed his eyes dangerously at the chubby feline.

“Present company excluded,” Fat Bastard said with a smirk not meaning a word of it. “You should be happy she’s dating at all.”

“What does that mean?” Fabio asked with a snarl. “My little girl is perfect.”

“Dude, dude, dude,” Boba Fett said, “Zelda is definitely a hot piece of ass, but she’s a little whack-a-doo.”

“Do not
ever
refer to my daughter’s ass or I will ensure you can’t sit on yours for a century. And as far a whack-a-doo goes, she comes by it naturally. Her mother was certifiable.”

Oh my Goddess, did
everyone
think I was nuts? I mean
I
knew I was crazy, but…

“Zelda’s just fine the way she is,” Jango Fett argued taking a break from tonguing his nads. “She has to find someone whose balls won’t shrink up into his stomach and can handle all that hot witchy-booby wonderment. She’s being groomed to be the… ”

“Don’t go there,” Dad growled and took a seat at the card table.

“The booby part?” Jango, as usual, was confused.

What the hell were they talking about and what was I being groomed for?

Fabio didn’t reply, much to my disappointment. He simply shot a look at Jango that made my cat slink under the table. As they all sat in silence, I considered dropping the invisibility and violently zapping the information I wanted out of the quartet. However, if I revealed myself I’d have a difficult time snooping in the future. What to do…

“Back to the original topic,” Dad said on a long sigh. “I don’t think I’m well liked in town.”

“Ya think three-fourths of the good people of Assjacket owing you money might have something to do with that?” Fat Bastard offered cautiously.

“Possibly,” Fabio surmised as he stared at the cash in front of him on the table. “I won fair and square.”

The grunts of laughter were loud and Dad even joined in. Goddess, at this rate my newly acquired parental unit was going to get run out of town before I really got to know him like I wanted to. Crap.

“Wait!” Dad yelled as he scooped up the cash in his hands and waved it in the air. “The treasury is broke. What if I funded the musical and repaired the town’s thespian reputation? They’d have to let me direct the show then.”

“We have lesbians here?” Boba Fett asked, confused.

“Lesbians ain’t no problem,” Fat Bastard purred and grabbed his kitty privates. “A little girl- on-girl action is hot. I wouldn’t mind seeing Zelda and Sassy do a little lesbian thing.”

“I said
thespian
,” Fabio corrected them with a disgusted eye roll. “And if you mention my daughter in a sexual way again I’ll call in your debts to me and buy Zelda a dog.”

“Harsh, dude. I thought maybe you’d developed a lisp,” Boba explained with a shrug. “And what the hell is a thespian anyway?”

“It means actor, you imbecile. But they don’t want me to direct their show,” Fabio complained.

“Who don’t want you?” Fat Bastard hissed as he extended his sharp claws. “The lesbians?”

“Do we need to kick some ass?” Jango demanded as little sparks of magic wafted around him.

“It’s a bit tricky to kick a lesbian’s ass,” Fat Bastard informed the group of idiots.

“Sweet Goddess on high,” my dad shouted. “Thespian
not
lesbian.”

“My bad,” Fat Bastard apologized clearly confused as to what he was sorry for.

“No ass kicking of the
thespians
,” Fabio warned. “I don’t want to win with magic or violence this time. I want to make real friends. I’ve never actually had real friends.”

“We’re your friends,” Boba volunteered as he waddled over and patted my dad on the back.

“This is true and for that I am thankful,” Fabio said with a smile as he slumped in his chair. “However, I’d like some human friends. I want to be part of something bigger than shopping or poker. Zelda’s made me realize that I want a real life. I want to be a dad that she’s proud of.”

Human shuman,” Fat Bastard grunted. “You’re a great fucking dad. Everyone in this town would be lucky to have a friend like you. You’re the finest card cheatin’ mother humper I’ve ever had the honor of getting my sphincter handed to me by before.”

“Damn straight,” Jango agreed. “I say we just off whoever don’t like you. The Bastard is outstanding at making things look like an accident.”

Fat Bastard preened under the dubious praise.

“He’s correct. You just give me the name of the lesbian that needs a shake down and I’ll take care of it for you,” Fat Bastard promised.

The silence in the room was palpable as they all stared at Fat Bastard in different variations of confusion and disgust. The obese cat was oblivious to the weighted silence as he went back to cleaning his no-nos.

“Again, I said
thespians
. Your political incorrectness is going to make you more unpopular than I am,” Fabio said wearily. “I suppose I’ll just have to give up on my dream of directing. I won’t make Zelda do something she doesn’t want to do. She’s really warmed up to me and I can’t risk losing that.”

“You don’t think she would go for it with Sassy?” Fat Bastard asked not even glancing up from his tiny balls.

The small explosion of magic that flew from my father’s hands hurled Fat Bastard across the room and into the wall with a thud. Everyone—including me—quickly ducked to avoid the ricochet. Whenever one of the cats got nailed, the magic flew back in defense. Even invisible, I was certain I could get singed.

I knew my minutes of invisibility were numbered. I definitely had a few questions, but now was not the time for an interrogation. I had to pee like a racehorse and revealing myself would cause more problems than I wanted or had the time to deal with at the moment. Plus, getting them to come clean would only lead to more questions I was positive I didn’t want the answers to…

Quietly climbing back out of the room, I walked away. I probably should have run, but my bladder and my curiosity had thwarted that plan.

Following my instincts had been second nature before I’d landed in Assjacket. Now I cared. Caring sucked. Liking people was complicated. Protecting my heart was always my motto up until a few weeks ago. Now it seemed to be growing and breaking into little pieces all the time.

Best thing to do when you don’t know what to do?

Ignore it.

Pee.

Go on a motorcycle ride with a hot dude who won’t have sex with you.

Win-win-win.

Maybe…

CHAPTER 6

“You’re awfully quiet,” Mac said as he pulled over to the side of the road and flicked off the ignition on the motorcycle.

He was correct. I had a lot on my mind. Mac was used to me shouting nonsense over the roar of his bike while we rode. Being a Shifter, his hearing was supersonic and he could always understand what I was babbling about. Today was different—so very different.

“I was thinking,” I told him as I removed my helmet and hopped off the bike.

He pocketed the keys, put the kickstand down and then stared at me waiting for a diatribe to pour forth. Surprisingly nothing came out of my mouth.

“Thinking can be a dangerous hobby,” he said as he took my hand and led me over to a dirt trail. “I say you just let it go for the afternoon and let me take you somewhere secret.”

“Secret?” I asked, intrigued.

“Yup. Come with me.”

I squeezed his hand and followed. Little did he know I would probably follow him straight to hell if he asked me to…

Colorful leaves still clung to the huge trees. There was a nip in the November air, but it was far warmer than usual. Sticks and fallen leaves crunched under our feet as we trekked to Mac’s secret place. Normally I’d be making up a scenario that would lead to sex, but that was off limits and shockingly, I was okay with that. Not that I didn’t want to do the deed with Mac—he was sex-on-a-stick personified—but maybe Roger was right. Maybe I’d missed a few things. Maybe if I got to really know Mac I wouldn’t even like him…
yeah, right
. It was the exact opposite. If he really got to know me he’d run for the hills.

Was that what I was afraid of?

“Close your eyes,” he instructed as we came to a clearing and stopped.

It was a huge grassy field with a pond in the center. The sunlight reflected off the water and made the late fall leaves shimmer. It was magical.

“But I already see it,” I told him, taking in the gorgeous place.

“No,” he corrected quietly. “You don’t. Close your eyes, pretty girl.”

“Is my tree house here?” I inquired and did as he requested.

“It might be,” he replied with a chuckle.

We walked a few more feet and then halted. Mac gently pulled me to a seated position on the ground and then sat beside me. A light fragrant wind blew and I breathed in the air happily.

“Can I open my eyes?”

“Nope. I’m going to tell you a story.”

“Like Rapunzel?” I asked with a huge grin.

His laugh made me shiver with delight. Had he changed his mind about climbing my hair and doing me till I couldn’t walk? Goddess, I hoped so.

“Not like Rapunzel. It’s a story about a little boy. You wanna hear it?”

“Does it end where we have sex?”

“Well… it could,” he hedged.

Good enough for me. “Yes. I want to hear it.”

I heard him inhale and exhale. His scent made me weak and my inclination was to scoot closer. Sometimes I just wanted to crawl inside him and stay. That couldn’t be healthy. I made a mental note to share this alarming barnacle-like need with Roger at our next session.

“Once upon a time there was a child. He had two parents who loved him and a younger brother he liked to wrestle with and beat the hell out of occasionally. The little brother thought he would eventually be able to kick his older brother’s ass, but he was sadly mistaken. The younger brother was a pain in the older brother’s butt.”

“Um, that’s kind of a weird start to a story,” I interrupted.

“You’re right. I digressed a little bit. The brother thing isn’t really important. Sorry.”

“No biggie. Get to the part where we get to have sex,” I told him.

“That’s not part of the story. That’s up to you,” he said, tucking my wild locks behind my ear.

“Dude, no brainer. You don’t even have to finish the story. I’m all in with the sex part. Can I open my eyes and wrestle you?”

“Not yet,” Mac said with a laugh as he pulled me close to his side and played with my curls. “You have to hear some more. You might not want to have sex when you hear it all.”

“You’d have to turn into a troll for me to not want to do the nasty with you,” I promised.

“Definitely not a troll,” he muttered with amusement and continued. “When the boy was small he used to come to this secret place and wish for things. He wanted to grow up to be a good man and he wanted to always be able to kick his brother’s ass.”

“Sounds reasonable,” I commented.

“Yep. The Goddess heard his prayer and sent him a gift. She gave him strength, power and an affinity for the earth. She told him he had to practice diligently and one day he would be rewarded with a second half that would make his gift whole.”

“Did this little boy practice?” I asked, knowing I wasn’t hearing a fictitious tale.

“He did,” Mac said. “But as much as he tried he couldn’t get it quite right.”

“Meaning?”

“His flowers came up roots first. His butterflies had horns. Instead of jumping gracefully, the fish in his pond tap-danced. A big fucking mess.” Mac sighed and pulled me even closer. “However, lately things have been a bit different for the boy.”

Did I want to hear this? Hell’s bells, I did … and I didn’t.

“Can the boy still kick his brother’s ass?” I cut in, hoping to go back to a lighter part of the story and possibly stay there.

“Yes. Yes he can and he kicks his brother’s ass every Tuesday. Occasionally it’s been close, but the boy has come out victorious.”

“How does your little brother feel about that?” I asked with a smirk.

“Who said this story was about me?” Mac demanded in mock horror.

“My apologies. I was mistaken. Please do go on,” I replied as I bit back a giggle.