A Walk in Heaven (16 page)

He walked closer and leaned against a post. “I suppose I shouldn’t be, but—” he took a deep breath, “—I noticed how many men had taken a liking to you today. And when I couldn’t see you, I thought maybe one had tried to get you alone.”

It didn’t matter if his tone of voice was serious, she couldn’t stop the belt of laughter from coming forth. “You’re very humorous, Mr. Grayson. Why would any man want to take advantage of a widow still in the early stages of mourning?”

He shrugged. “Not all men are chivalrous, Careen. You are a very handsome woman, and I noticed how flirty you’ve been this afternoon.”

“What?” She gasped. “You cannot be serious.”

“I am.”

“That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard.” She shook her head. “I declare, Mr. Grayson, you must have gotten too much sun today, for it cooked your brain. Why else would you say such idiotic things?”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m quite sure you didn’t encourage them in the least. But you can be as sweet as a Georgia peach when you want to.”

Heat bloomed in her cheeks and she grinned. “I learned from my Southern Belle ancestors, I suppose.”

“Yes, you did.”

“But as you can see—” she spread her arms wide, “—I’m all by myself out here in the barn, so there is no reason for you to be worried.”

In silence, he studied her through hooded eyes. A few minutes passed before he pulled away from the post and ambled toward her. Her heartbeat quickened with unfamiliar excitement. This emotion was stronger than what she’d been experiencing whenever he smiled at her.

“I noticed something else about you tonight,” he said.

“What’s that?” Her voice quivered slightly.

“You couldn’t take your eyes off me.”

Embarrassment flooded her face and she thought her skin would ignite from the heat. Thank goodness there wasn’t much light in the barn for him to see. She was certain her face glowed like a beacon in a raging storm.

Clearing her throat, she lifted her chin. “Mr. Grayson, you are mistaken. If you saw me watching you at all, it was because I watched everyone who danced. Had it slipped your mind I’m in mourning and so couldn’t dance?”

“No, it didn’t slip my mind.”
His eyes boring into hers.
“Does it bother you that you can’t dance?”

“I haven’t danced since after the war started. I’m used to feeling this way.”

The closer he came, the quicker she retreated until the wall of the barn stopped her. She held herself still as he loomed in front of her. Tilting her head back was the only way to gaze into his eyes.

From outside, the musicians played a slower song. Joshua’s nearness made her throat dry, and her mind weak. Images floated through her head – the same ones she’d had when she’d thought about kissing him on the porch.

“Careen, you are a most peculiar woman,” he said softly.

“Well, I’ll say… What kind of comment is that?”

The corner of his mouth lifted in an adorable smile. “It means I don’t know how to figure you out.”

“Who said you had to?”

“Nobody, but there’s something about you I don’t quite understand.”

She didn’t dare prod him for further explanation. Lately when he’d studied her, she received the impression he was trying to dig deep into her soul. That was something she could not allow.

“Well, there’s something strange about you, as well,” she said only because she knew nothing else to say.

“My dear, sister-in-law, can I ask you a question?”

“Um… It depends on what the question is.”

He grinned. “Would you do me the honor of dancing with me now?”

Shock registered just as excitement shot through her. An
unlady
-like snorted laugh escaped her, and her body jerked away from the wall and right into his arms. Embarrassed once again, she grumbled and tried to pull away, but he slid his arm around her waist and clasped her hand with his in the dance hold.

She struggled, trying to pull away. This was not right!

“Careen, just relax.”

“Why…why do you want to dance with me?”

“I’m trying to cheer you up. Isn’t that a good enough reason?”

“But if Elizabeth finds out—”

“Nobody will know.”

Chuckling, he waltzed them away from the shadowed corner. “I must say, I’ve never had quite that kind of response when asking a woman to dance.”

“What do you mean?”

“You practically flew into my arms, my dear.”

She huffed and rolled her eyes. “Your request came as a surprise, Mr. Grayson. In fact, I don’t know why I’m dancing with you now. I’m in mourning, or have you forgotten that vital piece of information?”

“I wish you’d stop reminding me of that. Besides, we’re quite alone and no one will know.”

She enjoyed the way she fit into his arms; the way he swung her around as if she belonged with him. Bewilderment set in, and she questioned her feelings. She should
not
be enjoying herself at all.

“You dance remarkably well, Careen.”

She smiled. “Thank you. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had the privilege.”

“I can tell you like it.”

“I must admit…dancing with you brings back those feelings of enjoyment I had before the war.”

A few seconds passed with no words between them. She tried to read his expression, but the shadows flitting across his face kept her from knowing what he was thinking. However, he still held a grin, which pleased her – probably more than it should.

“Joshua? Can I ask you a question?”

His eyebrow arched. “You’re calling me by my first name now?”

She chuckled. “Well yes. I only call you by your last name when I’m caught off guard or upset at you.”

He laughed. “So what is it you’d like to know?”

“I noticed Miss
Checketts
spending a lot of time with you. Is there something going on between the two of you I should know about?”

His grin widened. “So you noticed Laura, did you?”

“Didn’t I just say that?”

“And you think she likes me?”

Careen rolled her eyes again. Joshua couldn’t be that stupid. “Yes, of course. She was always the one taking you a glass of lemonade, and she was the first one to rush to your side during lunch.
And tonight at the dance…
Why, you couldn’t keep your eyes off her.”

Joshua shook his head. “Careen, why does Laura concern you? Are you surprised that there is another woman out there who likes me?”

“Of course, I’m not surprised. It’s just…just…”

“Yes,” he prodded, slowing his footsteps until they were just swaying.

“It’s just that I think Miss
Checketts
has it in her mind to be the next Mrs. Joshua Grayson.”

He tilted back his head and laughed heartily. His voice echoed off the walls of the empty barn.
“Oh, my dear sister-in-law.
I still don’t understand why this has you so concerned.”

She growled. “Because,
dear brother-in-law,
if Miss
Checketts
is in the running for your future wife, why haven’t you considered your daughters in the matter? Don’t they have any say in this?” Careen shook her head. “Not once while you were helping build this barn did Miss
Checketts
go out of her way to talk to Frances and Jessica. I would think that if Miss
Checketts
wanted to be your wife, she would at least consider getting to know your daughters.”

The humor in his face disappeared. His dark blue eyes bore deep into hers. “Once again, Careen, why are you worried?”

Oh good grief! Did she have to draw the foolish man a picture? But…why was she worried? Who he married shouldn’t matter to her.

“Well,” she said, quickly finding a suitable answer, “because I know what those poor girls are going through being without a mother. I had the advantage of knowing my mother before she died, but I still felt the pain of our separation, nonetheless. Frances and Jessica need a mother who loves and cares about them. Elizabeth is a fine grandmother, but
those daughters of yours needs
a mother.” Careen shrugged. “I just don’t think Miss
Checketts
is the right person for that most sacred calling from God.”

She hadn’t realized the music had stopped until now, but Joshua still held her as they swayed slowly. He didn’t say anything, just continued to stare into her eyes. Finally, he stopped and released her hand, only to wrap both arms around her waist and pull her up against him. She placed her palms on his chest, but had no intention of pushing him away.

Her mind cleared of all thoughts except for one – kissing him. Joshua’s gaze switched between her eyes and her lips, and she knew he was thinking the same thing.

“Tell me something, Careen,” he whispered.

“What?”

“Were you really in love with Matthew?”

Her heart stopped beating for a split second, unaware how to answer that question. The fact she didn’t know the answer upset her more than anything. “I…I…don’t know.”

Careen answered so softly Joshua wasn’t certain he heard her correctly. Yet, the pain clenching his chest so tight he could scarcely breathe told him he’d heard her loud and clear.

Anger welled inside him and he released her as if her body had turned to hot coals. He spun away and marched out of the barn, afraid he might say something he’d regret later. Confusion ran a race with the anger throbbing in his head, and he wanted to shout in frustration. He’d suspected she hadn’t loved Matthew because of the situation in which they’d met – and married – but hearing her actual words was like a knife through the chest.

Yet why had a tiny part of him leapt with joy at the knowledge Careen hadn’t been in love with Matthew?

Once again, Joshua argued the point at hand. Why hadn’t she loved his brother? Matthew had deserved a wife who loved him! The Godless woman must have been taking advantage of Matthew, which was why he’d traveled days to meet her in Iowa.

When Joshua returned to the dance, it was over and people packed their wagons with blankets and empty picnic baskets. He quickly helped his ma with the twins who were asleep now, and laid each one carefully in the back of the wagon, placing a thick blanket over them.

He turned to see what else his ma needed help with, and knocked into Careen who stood entirely too close. Sadness marred her pretty face when she met his stare, but she quickly looked away. His heart wrenched a little more, yet there wasn’t anything he could do about it. He needed time to think about what he felt.

And he needed to receive word from Pierre, South Dakota’s sheriff to find out what really took place the day Matthew was shot and killed. Justice needed to be served for what had happened to Matthew. Only then would Joshua’s mind settle, and hopefully disperse his guilt and bring him some peace.

Once the women settled in the wagon, they waved goodbye to their friends and drove off. Joshua and his father rode their horses close by. Ma conversed with Pa a little, but Careen said nothing. Neither did Joshua. Eventually he and Careen would have to talk about this, but not now. Not while his thoughts were still in turmoil.

He’d questioned his feelings all day long, finally admitting that he’d been jealous of all the men who talked to her. Every time one of these men laughed, Joshua’s gut twisted in agony – wishing her voice didn’t have that effect on him. She smiled too prettily, and her sweet accent was like angels singing in his ears. Heaven help him, but he just had to be alone with her to dance with her since he’d thought of nothing else all evening.

Now he wished he’d stayed away – far away – and remained dancing with Laura or even Natalie Jones. Perhaps he wouldn’t be so upset right now. And to think there was a brief moment while holding Careen that he’d toyed with the idea of kissing her.

Silently scolding himself, he gripped the reins tighter. Perhaps she’d been correct in assuming his brain had been cooked in the smoldering sun. Why else would he want to kiss his brother’s wife? Especially since Matthew had often accused Joshua of trying to steal the girls he liked.

They reached home and Joshua ignored Careen and picked up Jessica to carry her to bed. One of the servants must have turned down the twins’ beds, so he carefully placed his sleeping daughter on the mattress before removing her boots. The floor squeaked behind him along with a rustle of a woman’s skirt as he lifted the covers over Jessica, kissed her forehead, then turned to help his mother – but it wasn’t his mother laying Frances in bed. Instead, Careen bent over his daughter’s bed, removing her boots.

He wanted to snap at the woman for being there, yet watching her tenderly care for his daughter touched his heart in an odd way. During the day when he’d been able to watch her, he saw the way she took care of his girls, and the way they loved their aunt. Slowly the anger inside of him crumbled.

Joshua waited until Careen finished before he lifted the blanket, tucked Frances in and kissed her forehead. When he straightened, Careen stood next to the bed. She didn’t say a word but led the way out of the bedroom as Joshua quietly pulled the door closed.

He didn’t meet her eyes as he tried to walk past her, but she grabbed his arm.

“Joshua, we need to talk.”

“No, we don’t.”

“Please –”

He swung around and glared at her. Fright made her face pale. “Thank you for helping me with my daughters, but I don’t want to talk anymore. Good night.”

Yanking his arm away, he marched toward his room, hoping he wouldn’t have to see or speak to her for at least a week.

* * * *

Luther grumbled and kicked his boot into the dirt. These Montana imbeciles were upsetting him, making him want to lash out at someone! Anyone! But he wouldn’t. He’d let them believe he was a kindhearted man searching for his cousin. Whenever anyone asked, Luther explained that his cousin had run away, and he was determined to bring her back home. He didn’t think anyone in Billings would know about Matthew Grayson and his new bride, anyway.

He was falling behind schedule – a schedule he
must
adhere to. Although he hated to do it, he had to put off his associates in Charleston a little while longer. They were not going to be happy about this setback.
And the shipment…
How could he convince his contact in Ireland to send them more?
Especially with no money?

If only he could get to Virginia City, things would fall into place perfectly. Nobody wanted to cross Luther because they didn’t want to make him angry. He grinned. He had made a good name for himself.

Luther marched to the telegraph office and paid for a message to be sent.

Another delay.
STOP Keep Irishmen happy until my return. STOP
 

He turned away from the window and scanned the street, trying to see if this town had any of the wanted posters. A few towns he’d passed through had his image plastered on their doors and posts as a highly dangerous criminal. Luther snorted a laugh. Let them believe that. He knew differently. Unless crossed, Luther was actually a kindhearted man.
A giving man.
Someone who enjoyed working with businessmen and helping the towns flourish.

Still...having people think he was dangerous made him feel more powerful.
More invincible.
He liked that.

Across the street several horses were tied to the hitching post in front of a saloon. Nice animals. Better in fact, than the one he’d been riding. Before he could travel further, he needed to get another animal.

He pulled his horse to the hitching post and tied him next to the same colored animal. Luther took a few steps away, pretending to be studying the street. A few people walked up and down the boardwalk, but nobody even looked his way.

Perfect!

Slowly, he moseyed back to the horse, but untied the younger animal. Before anyone could stop him, he mounted, kicked his heels into the animal’s belly and rode off. With any luck, his next stop would be Virginia City!

* * * *

Each day that slipped by without talking to Joshua, Careen’s heart broke that much more. She hadn’t meant to make him angry by confessing her doubts about her love for Matthew. She really had loved him, but only because he had been her rescuer if only for a brief moment. They hadn’t been
in love
, but she was certain love would have blossomed in each of them as they’d gotten to know each other.

What had Joshua expected her to say? Yes, she was madly in love with Matthew even though she’d only known him a short time and met him face-to-face the day before their wedding? Ridiculous!

More than anything, she wanted to explain that to Joshua so he would change his mind about her, but after a week had gone by and nothing was said, she feared they would never talk about Matthew…or about what had nearly happened at the barn.
The almost kiss.

She gulped hard, hoping to forget about that, but images of his face, his eyes as they watched her mouth, wouldn’t leave her. He’d wanted to kiss her just as much as she’d wanted him to. Maybe that was another reason he wouldn’t even look at her now.

She kept herself busy during the day as Elizabeth and the twins taught her how Montana women rode a horse, which was vastly different from the way she’d been taught. Elizabeth had let Careen wear a pair of men’s trousers during her lessons – foregoing their black mourning dresses – but then Elizabeth and the girls also wore men’s trousers. At first Careen didn’t think she’d be comfortable in them, but now she wished she could wear them all the time.

At the end of the week, Careen felt more confident she would ride astride without anyone helping her, so Elizabeth allowed her to ride farther away from the house by herself. Careen laughed, tilting her head back as the wind blew through her hair. During her lessons, she left her hair long, and on occasion, pulled it back into a ponytail like the twins wore.

The weather in Montana confused her. Some days it would be warm enough to take off her jacket, but other days the cool air nipped at her nose and stung her cheeks.
Like today.
Elizabeth had mentioned this was normal for Montana, and that heavy snowstorms in May and even June were very likely. Careen could believe that, since today felt like a storm was quickly approaching.
Even the thick clouds darkened by the minute, huddling together in the sky.
Still, it didn’t stop her from wanting to ride her horse and feel at peace with the land.

She stopped the mare and scanned the acres of Grayson ranch. Everything was so
beautiful,
she would never get tired of seeing God’s loving hand in every living thing. Off in the distance, a movement caught her attention. Some kind of animal stood in the field by itself. It wasn’t a coyote, she was certain of that. It had to be a calf, yet the herd was on the other side of the property.

Urging her horse closer, she studied the animal until she recognized it as a calf.
Why was it this far from the others?
Now, how could she get the stubborn animal back to the herd? Although Joshua had taught her how to rope, she hadn’t been able to practice since. She suspected she needed him beside her, guiding her hand the whole time.

No! She wouldn’t think that way. He was as rude and overbearing as she’d surmised on the first day she’d met him. She’d catch the calf if it were the last thing she did.

Dark gray clouds overhead hid the sun, and the wind picked up, turning the air chilly. In fact, the temperature had dropped so drastically that she could see her own breath in the air. A voice inside of her told her to ride back to the house to get help, but she argued. She was this close to the animal, so she should at least try to get him and bring him back.

Unhooking the rope from her saddle, she positioned it in her hands the way Joshua had shown her. She swung it above her head, praying she’d catch it the first time. The animal was busy eating so he didn’t seem to notice her. It would be easier to catch him while he stood still than riding her horse and trying to rope him.

She held her breath and let the rope fly…
And missed.

Unfortunately, this alerted the calf to her presence, and he took off in a run. Grumbling, she kicked the horse and rode after him, but she knew roping the fool animal wasn’t going to happen while she was in motion. Hard to believe, but that little animal was faster than she expected. If she could somehow direct him back to his herd, maybe she wouldn’t have to rope him at all. But the harder she tried to steer him in that direction, the further away from the house they rode.

The first drop of moisture touched her nose. She paused only long enough to glance at the sky. Thick black clouds hovered everywhere, and the rain felt cold enough to turn to snow very soon. The trees bent from the fury of the wind, turning the air bitter.

Still, she didn’t expect the storm to pour down on her yet. Surely she had a good hour before anything dire happened. She’d try one last time to get the calf before hurrying back home.

* * * *

Joshua pulled the sheepskin collar around his neck and rode toward home. Heavy snowflakes fell around him, thickening by the minute. When the weather was like this, there wasn’t much he could do around the ranch. He suspected this storm to drop at least five inches on the valley if not more. That only meant he’d be cooped up at home for a few days, which was something he didn’t want to happen. He worried Careen still wanted to continue the discussion they had started a week ago, and he wasn’t ready. In fact, he tried to tell himself those moments in the barn had never existed.