A Walk in Heaven (18 page)

Joshua motioned his hand toward the empty space beside him. “So, are you going to sit by me? It’ll be hard to finish what we started in the barn with you sitting on the floor.”

Uncertainty flickered across her expression while her face grew redder. He should put an end to her torment, but he just couldn’t. As he waited for her decision, she took off his coat.

Finally, she rose off the floor. In three small steps, she sat on the cot beside him, but not too close. Her hand brushed by his. Inwardly, he groaned. Perhaps this wasn’t a good idea after all.

Her body remained stiff for a few moments. She took a deep breath and turned. She was so pretty, he didn’t know if he could keep from wanting to pull her in his arms. This was definitely not what he’d planned. His mood changed quickly from humorous to serious. And her gaze had softened the longer she stared into his eyes.

I’m a dead man!

Careen gulped and closed her eyes.
This can’t be happening.
Why did Joshua want to kiss her? He’d been so upset at her this past week that he went out of his way to avoid her. Now he wanted to
finish
what they’d started
?

Perhaps he’d had time to think about it and realized he wanted this as much as she did. But really…did she want this? He confused her and she couldn’t think straight. The attraction was strong, but she didn’t want to have these kinds of feelings for him – or anyone, right now.

She swiped her moist palms down her trouser legs, suddenly wishing she wore a dress instead of men’s clothes. Maybe she’d feel a little more feminine right now. Yet it suddenly didn’t matter how she dressed, she’d have these jumbled thoughts regardless of her attire.

Taking a deep breath for courage, she opened her eyes and looked at Joshua. Tenderness gleamed from his gaze, melting her resolve quickly. His eyes had always made her lose her mind.

So why did he wait to make his move? He sat staring at her as if he expected her to do something first. She couldn’t do that! Yet he seemed content to study her. He lifted his hand and caressed the locks of hair hanging on her shoulder. Careen’s heart did those crazy little flip-flops, and butterflies dancing in her stomach were in competition to see which one could make her breathe the fastest.

She cleared her throat and faced him fully. “I suppose I should explain myself…you know, about what happened a week ago in the barn.” Shrugging, she laughed lightly. “You were right when you accused me of watching you all day. I had been. I’ll admit that I didn’t appreciate the feelings of jealousy I experienced when Miss
Checketts
held your attention. I couldn’t stand the thought of that woman with you and your children when she hadn’t even talked to the twins.” Her mouth turned dry and she licked her dry lips. “Perhaps the thought of kissing you shouldn’t have even entered my mind, but—”

“Say no more.” Joshua scooted closer and took her in his arms. One hand bracketed her face as his thumb stroked her bottom lip. “I shouldn’t… We shouldn’t… But heaven help me, I can’t stop from wanting this to happen.”

He bent his head and his mouth captured hers. She hitched a breath from the suddenness of the kiss, but within seconds relaxed to the way his mouth moved across hers. She clutched the front of his shirt
and held on for dear life, knowing she never wanted to let go now.

Joshua pulled her closer for more of his exciting kiss. His large palms drew small circles on her back, relaxing her further. Surrendering, she wrapped her arms around his neck and cuddled against him.

His kiss was so tender – yet the urgency in the moment had her wanting more. He suckled her top lip, then her bottom, then deepened the kiss. Never had any man brought such pleasure to her, but then no man had kissed her like this – as if his very soul cried out to be loved. The very way hers was doing at this moment.

He was the first to break the incredible spell he’d put her under, but only to move his lips over her cheek and to her ear.

“Oh, Careen. Only in my dreams have I experienced such a wonderful kiss, but—” He pulled back enough to gaze into her eyes. “I never meant for this to happen.”

“What?
The kiss?”

A soft smile stretched across his lips before he leaned in and kissed her again, this time leaving little pecks everywhere, her nose, her mouth, her chin. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head and sighed, cherishing the tender moment.

“None of this.”
His voice deepened as he trailed his mouth down her neck. “I’ve thought about kissing you, but I truly didn’t want it to happen.”

Confusion came back once again, and she withdrew. His intoxicating eyes held a touch of raw desperation. Could he be as confused as she? “I…I don’t understand. If you didn’t want to kiss me, then why did you suggest I sit on the couch to
finish
what we started
in the barn?”

He exhaled a ragged breath then leaned back against the wall. Once the heat from his embrace had been removed, chills ran amuck over her body and she folded her arms, wishing to return by the fire.

“Careen, when I made the suggestion, I was referring to our talk about Matthew, not the kiss.”

Blood rushed to her face as anger welled within her chest, leaving her no time to feel embarrassed. Joshua knew what he’d suggested a few moments ago, and
talking
wasn’t on the agenda.

She growled and struck his arm. “How dare you lead me to believe otherwise? You purposely let me think you wanted a kiss.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “I wanted to see how far you’d take it.”

“Oh!” She struck him again, but on the chest. He grasped her wrist, so she lashed out with the other hand, but he imprisoned that one as well.

“
Careen,
there is no reason to get violent.”

“You humiliated me.”

“I highly doubt it, sweetheart. Not with the kind of kiss I just experienced.”

It didn’t matter if anger rushed through
her,
he continued to appear calm and unaffected as a lazy smile played on his mouth. His eyes still twinkled with mirth. Oh, the cad!

“Why…why did you kiss me then? If you remember correctly, you were the one who leaned in first.”

He shrugged one shoulder. “Your confession moved me, and I liked the fact you were thinking about my daughters when you assessed Laura’s faults.”

Slowly, her anger disappeared, but she’d still be on guard around him from now on. “They deserve a better mother,” she whispered.

“I agree.”

Finally, she smiled and pulled her wrists out of his grip. “I’m glad you see things my way.”

Joshua folded his arms across his wide chest. “Believe it or not, Careen, my daughters are first in my thoughts when searching for a wife.”

“So, are you searching?”

He shook his head. “I know I should be, but when I do, Frances and Jessica will have a say in the matter, I assure you.”

“Good.” She gave him a weak smile.

“Now, about that other piece of unfinished business…Matthew.”

Fear clutched her chest, making it hard for her to swallow. She couldn’t talk about that. Joshua was the last person she wanted to tell about Luther.

“You asked if I ever loved your brother.”

“You answered you didn’t know.”

She nodded. “That’s because I didn’t know how to answer you.” She scooted against the wall to make herself more comfortable. “I’d met Matthew through letters, as I’m certain you already know.”

“Matthew told me he saw the ad in the newspaper for a mail-order-bride, and out of curiosity decided to answer.”

She smiled. “I had several replies, but your brother’s neat handwriting, and sincere words seemed to touch me more than the others. We began writing back and forth, and after a few months, Matthew said he felt it was time for us to meet. He said he felt like marrying me was the right choice.”

“But you didn’t love him during this time?”

“No, Joshua. I didn’t know him very well – and he didn’t know me. I felt infatuated, but nothing
like
love. I met him for the first time the day before our marriage. He waited at the train station with a yellow rose in his hand. I’d told him yellow roses were my favorite.”

Joshua smiled.

“Anyway, when I finally saw your brother, I knew he was the man who would rescue me—” She quickly stopped, not wanting to say that word, but now that she had, knew she had to say something so Joshua wouldn’t question her. “He was my knight in shining armor, so-to-speak.” She grinned, thankful she thought so quickly. “As we stood by each other in church, I knew I would eventually fall in love with him. Matthew was such a kind, gentle man who genuinely cared about my welfare. So, to answer your initial question – no, I wasn’t in love with him, but I knew it would be easy to love a man like that.”

“My brother was a very good person and would have made you very happy.”

There was a catch in Joshua’s voice and she detected tears in his eyes, but he moved off the cot to stand by the fire before she could really study him. He threw in another log then with the poker, stirred the embers.

“Tell me how he died,” he said quietly.

Emotion grew heavy in her chest and although she didn’t want to relive that day, she knew she must tell Joshua if only enough to satisfy him. “Once we were pronounced husband and wife, we walked out of the church holding hands, ready to start our new life. My future looked so bright and
happy,
I didn’t think anything would ruin it.” She stared into the fire, remembering that morning, as if transported back to that very minute. “I remember hearing the song of a bird, and thinking how appropriate that sound was at that time. The sky was so blue, and the weather…perfect. At that precise moment, I felt that the Lord had indeed blessed our union.”

Her mind took a different turn and she recalled everything as if it were happening slowly. “Then two drunks stumbled out of the saloon across the street, arguing,” she continued. “One thing led to another, and soon they were shooting at each other. More men in town tried to stop the gunfight, using their pistols as well to break the commotion. In Matthew’s attempt to protect me, a bullet found his head, making him crumble to the ground. He was still holding my hand and had pulled me down with him. Blood – his blood – splattered over my new wedding gown.” Her voice cracked and she stopped short. Lifting a shaky hand, she rubbed her forehead. “People screamed and rushed around us, but nobody stopped to assist right away. When reality finally sunk in what had happened, I cried for help. I screamed at Matthew to get up. Then I blamed God for allowing it to happen.”

She hadn’t noticed Joshua had moved until the cot dipped and his strong arms wrapped around her. He pressed her face against his chest. Tears streamed down her cheeks and dampened his shirt, but he held her tight, rocking her back and forth.

“I’m so sorry, Careen,” he whispered soothingly.

“Oh, Joshua.
Why did he have to die?” her voice broke as she held tighter.

“
Shh
…” Joshua pressed his mouth to the top of her head. “Forgive me for making you relive this nightmare.”

The catch in his voice made her lift her head. Tears swam in his eyes. His jaw tight from holding back the emotions she knew he had building inside him.

Using the pads of his thumbs, he wiped the moisture off her cheeks. “Thank you for confiding in me.” He gave her a quivering smile. “But we can rest assured knowing Matthew died a happy man.”

“He did? How do you know for certain?”

“Because he married you.
That made him happy.”

Guilt ripped through her again and she buried her face back in his shirt and cried harder. If Matthew hadn’t married her, he’d be alive today. She didn’t dare tell Joshua that bit of information. It would kill him and he’d hate her forever.

* * * *

Joshua lay crooked on the uncomfortable cot but didn’t want to move. Careen had fallen asleep in his arms, and although his body screamed with stiffness, the coziness between them had been remarkable. Never before had he felt so peaceful while holding a woman. And he certainly had never shown so much emotion in front of one.

Emma, his first wife, had been an unemotional woman. She never cried, never became angry, and never showed love. Not even to their daughters. It was as if Emma lived her life in a daze wrapped in her own cocoon. Joshua had no clue why the Lord wanted him to marry her except for the blessing of his beautiful girls. Emma had been the daughter of one of his father’s friends, and although Joshua wasn’t ready for marriage, he’d wed Emma to satisfy their families.