A Time for Peace (13 page)

"So you'll be coming to bed soon?" he repeated.

"Soon," she promised.

"Promise? You said that last night and didn't come up for hours."

He didn't say that he suspected that she'd waited until she was sure he was asleep before she crept up the stairs and into their bed.

He touched her shoulder and then his hand dropped when she stiffened.

"It's just that I'm so behind on my deadline. You know that, what with Phoebe getting sick and all."

"I know." He sighed. "Don't wear yourself out or you'll get sick, too. I'll take the
kinner
for an outing after
schul
tomorrow so you can get some writing in."

"Thanks."

He kissed the top of her head and made the lonely walk up the stairs. Suddenly the memory of the first night they'd walked up them, side by side, as a newly married couple, flitted through his mind. The memory came so suddenly, so vivid and precious, that his throat tightened and he blinked rapidly when his eyes filled.

Turning, he glanced back at her, bent over her writing at the kitchen table. He felt so alone, so lonely, and wondered if she did. He'd left her alone to write other times and not felt this way.

Oh, he'd been selfish enough to want her to come upstairs with him for their time together, but those other times she'd been sitting there with her laptop, her fingers flying across the keyboard, looking as if she were playing a silent word music on it that only she could hear. He'd loved how blissful she looked and when he read what she wrote later, he'd been so proud of what she created.

But now, when she looked so tired, it seemed to him that it just looked like drudgery, almost a penance she was doing instead of joyful creating.

As if she felt his gaze on her—or maybe she just heard his steps falter on the stairs—she glanced up and saw him.

"Soon," she said.

He hoped she meant it. Turning, he began the solitary climb again.

Jenny kept looking for the children, for Matthew, as she climbed the grassy hill. It seemed so strange to be alone. Surely they were just ahead, too impatient to explore to wait for her.

But when she got the top of the hill, she found her father sitting on a big rock.

He turned when he heard her indrawn breath of surprise.

"There you are, Jenny Rebecca," he said and he grinned and held out his arms.

"What are you doing here?"

He frowned and his hands fell to his sides. "That doesn't sound very friendly."

"It isn't," she admitted and she felt terrible about it. "What did you expect? I found the letter you wrote Grandmother."

His face sagged and he turned to look at a tree in the distance. "Wish she'd torn up that letter."

"Did you think I'd never find out?"

When he didn't answer, she shook her head and sank down on the grass a few feet away from him. "You wish she'd torn up the letter. Not you wish you hadn't written it."

Turning back, he shook his head. "I'm not sorry."

Jenny felt her heart pounding. She leaped to her feet, feeling anger rising in her. "You're not sorry? I lost years with Matthew. Years! I got hurt, almost died, and I'll probably never have children, and you're not sorry you kept Matthew and me apart?"

"You have children now," he said reasonably. "And you have Matthew."

"They could have been my children—"

"They
are
your children."

"But I want one of my own." Even to her ears it sounded whiny. But she couldn't stop herself. "I lost all those years!"

"Did you? Are you sorry you went to college? Helped people know what's happening to children in war zones? Probably have a better relationship with Matthew now than you might have had as a teenager getting married too young back then? He loves you despite your scars. He loves you whether you can have a baby—"

"But I want a baby—"

"You didn't use to only think of what you don't have instead of what you have," he said as he stood and regarded her sadly.

Jenny sat, watching him walk away, and didn't call him back.Okay, she wasn't a saint. She knew that. But his disapproval stung. Didn't she have every right to be upset with him?

She woke and found she'd fallen asleep at the kitchen table. Her cheeks were wet with tears.

T
he dream hung over Jenny the next morning like a dark cloud.

Falling asleep over her writing had given her a crick in her neck too. Jenny winced as she lifted a skillet at breakfast.

Matthew laid a hand on her shoulder. "Are you
allrecht?"

"Yes." She met his concerned gaze. "I fell asleep at the table.Got a crick in my neck. I'll be fine."

His fingers drifted to it.

"The children," she whispered and indicated with a jerk of her head their watchful eyes.

Mary smiled at her parents as she set the table. She remained as shy and quiet as she had been the day Jenny met her, often excusing herself to curl up on her bed and write in the journal Jenny gave her. Annie looked up from the notebook she was scribbling the words she constantly collected and grinned.Joshua hung his jacket and hat on a peg and, though he appeared casual, Jenny saw that he took everything in. He'd always been that way, so much like his father: serious, steady, a boy of few words but always curious about everything.

Funny, they weren't her biological children but they were surprisingly much like her.

This was her family, Matthew and the children. She remembered what her father had said in the dream, that she had Matthew and the children
now
and yet all she could think about was what she didn't have. He'd said she didn't use to be like that.

He didn't understand!

The crick in her neck turned to a cramp and she moaned and rubbed at it.

Joshua stood.

"That's not all you're eating, is it?" Jenny asked him. "You can't get by on that amount of food until you have lunch at school."

"
Nee.
I'll be right back."

He grabbed his jacket and left the house.

Jenny looked at Matthew. "Where's he going?"

"I don't know. More coffee?"

"Yes, thanks. It might help me wake up."

"Maybe you can get some rest after they go to
schul."

Without saying anything, he sent her a message that he'd join her if she let him know she'd welcome him. Jenny felt her cheeks heat at the intense look, the intimate message he sent her. Even now, after they'd been married for several years, his desire for her came as a surprise.

The connecting door to the
dawdi haus
opened and Phoebe walked in.

"Phoebe!" Annie jumped up and ran over to wrap her arms around the woman's waist.

Phoebe smiled and kissed the top of Annie's head.

"
Guder mariye,"
she said. "How is everyone this beautiful morning?"

She said it to everyone but her gaze went straight to Jenny.

"Good," said Jenny. She poured a cup of coffee for her grandmother and set it at her usual place at the table.

Joshua came back in, shed his jacket, and pulled out Jenny's chair at the table. "Sit down and I'll rub your neck with this.It'll help."

Jenny looked at the bottle he held in his hand. "Horse liniment? You want to rub horse liniment on my neck?"

"
Ya.
It really helps Pilot when he gets a neck cramp."

She looked at her husband and saw his lips twitching. "He's right, Jenny."

Her son loved horses so much. He obviously felt that if it was good for horses, it was good enough for people, not the other way around.

Joshua poured a small amount of the stuff into his hands."Come on, it'll make your neck feel better."

Jenny bent to sniff at it and wrinkled her nose, then saw the look of eagerness on his face fade.

"Oh, all right. If you're sure it'll help," she said and sat down in the chair.

Joshua rubbed the liniment into her neck muscles, working at the cramping. Although her son's hands weren't big, they were strong from working on the farm with his father. She felt the cramping in her neck begin to subside. If it wasn't for the pungent smell, Jenny would have really enjoyed the massage.

Annie made a face and closed her book. She picked up her bowl of oatmeal and moved down the bench to sit closer to Mary.

Jenny sneezed.

"How did you hurt your neck?" Phoebe asked sympathetically.

"Fell asleep writing at the table last night."

"I need to help out more. You shouldn't be up so late." Phoebe put her fork down on her plate. "I'll start with making supper tonight."

"Maybe your pot roast?" Matthew glanced up from his breakfast, his expression interested. "With the potatoes and carrots? And do you think you could make that apple cranberry pie? It's my favorite of the ones you make."

"Matthew! She needs to take it easy for a while longer. Now you have her fixing a big meal?"

She wished she could call back the words when she saw Phoebe's face fall.

"I've rested enough. I'm tired of being cooped up."

"Jenny's right. It's selfish of me." Matthew patted Phoebe's hand. "Give yourself a little more time."

"How is it feeling?" Joshua asked her as he withdrew his hands.

"Much better," she told him, rolling her neck. "I just wish it didn't smell like . . . horse liniment."

He grinned at her. There was probably nothing he liked better than being around horses. She hugged him and got up.

"Everyone, hurry up. Don't want to be late for school."
She made quick work of packing lunches. Matthew had told her that his favorite school lunches were those he ate during the winter when the students placed their sandwiches on the radiator to warm them. So she sliced bread, cheese, and ham left over from last night's dinner. The cheese would melt on the sandwiches when placed on the radiator, she thought. Melted cheese sounded so good, she thought, going to get an apple for each of them from the bowl on the counter. Joshua might even eat his if he didn't save it as an after-school treat for Pilot, she mused.

"Cookies or whoopie pies?" she asked them.

"Whoopie pies!" they chorused.

Smiling, she added them to the lunch boxes. After a glance over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't being watched, she withdrew several folded notes from a drawer and tucked them in with the food.

She hugged the children as they left and gave Joshua an extra squeeze. He grinned at her and reminded her even more of his father.

"Hope you feel better," he told her.

"Thank you. Love you all. Be careful walking to school."

Matthew followed them out the door, off to work in the barn.

Which left Jenny alone with her grandmother.

"I'd like to talk to you."

"I need to—" Jenny began.

"It's important," Phoebe interrupted her with some firmness.

Inwardly sighing, Jenny sat.

"I'm going to ask Lydia if I can stay with her until Chris's parents leave."

Jenny couldn't have been more shocked. "Why would you do that? You're not comfortable in the
dawdi haus?"

Phoebe sat there with her eyes focused on her hands folded on top of the table. Then she looked up at Jenny. "I feel like I'm causing tension here."

"You're not causing tension." Jenny's stomach churned.

"You've been unhappy for some time now. You won't talk to me about it. You can barely look at me."

She'd noticed. Jenny didn't know what to say.

"Jenny, look at me."

Then Jenny didn't have to find the words. They just spilled out of her. "I can't help it. I found the letter."

"Letter?" Phoebe looked confused.

"The letter from my dad, thanking you for letting him know I'd fallen for Matthew. That's why he came early for me that summer before college."

Phoebe went white. "You found the letter? You read it?"

Jenny jumped to her feet and paced the kitchen. "I didn't mean to. It fell off the shelf when I got your sweater for you."

She stopped in front of her grandmother. "I didn't mean to read it. I just saw that it was in his handwriting and I was opening it. And then I couldn't believe what I saw."

Jenny pressed her hand over lips that trembled. "I loved Matthew. I loved him so much and you helped break us up. I thought you loved me. I thought you loved
Matthew."

"I did. I do. Both of you." Phoebe's eyes filled with tears. "But I loved your father, too, and I couldn't see him hurt. I lost him when he couldn't live this life. He had a right to know that you were choosing it."

Phoebe closed her eyes and then opened them. "I know what it's like to not see your child. How could I do that if you embraced this life and then chose to separate yourself here?"

"I would have still seen Dad."

"But you were so young. You weren't ready to make that decision. And your father wanted more for you. It was your mother's wish as well."

"It was
my
life.
My
choice to make!"

"Are you sorry you went to college?"

"No. But look what happened afterward. Look where I went and what happened."

"But everything turned out well. You have Matthew now. You have the
kinner."

"I lost so many years," Jenny whispered, her voice shaking. "I'm scarred and I'll probably never have children of my own."

Phoebe stood and reached out a hand to her. "But you
do.
You have
kinner
of your own."

"You don't understand. If you hadn't interfered, they could have been mine."

"But they are—"

"No! I could have given birth to them!"

"What's going on?" Matthew asked.

Jenny blinked. She'd been so wrapped up in her pain she hadn't heard the door open.

Matthew looked at his wife, then at Phoebe. He hadn't believed his ears when he'd walked in and found them in a bitter scene.

"Jenny? What's going on?"

"Grandmother was telling me that she's thinking of moving out."

"But Chris's parents are staying until the baby's born."

"She says she wants to move in with Lydia until they leave."

Matthew took off his hat and scratched his head. "I don't understand."

"I don't either," Jenny told him. "I don't understand how someone I thought loved me could have betrayed me to my father," she blurted out. "My own grandmother betrayed me."

Phoebe began coughing. Her face grew red. Before Jenny could react, Matthew pressed her into a chair and got a glass of water for her.

"
Danki,"
she said, sipping the water. The hectic color in her cheeks faded and the coughing ceased.

"Perhaps you should go lie down," he suggested gently.

Without waiting for her to respond, he took her arm and helped her to her feet, then walked her to her part of the house.

When he returned, Jenny was sitting with her elbows on the table, her face in her hands. She looked up when she heard his footsteps. "Is she okay?"

"
Ya."

She gave him a sharp glance. "Did you know that she told my dad about how we felt about each other?"

"I wondered when he came to talk to me—"

"You never told me he talked to you." She sank rubbed her temples. "You just mentioned once that you met him. What did he say?" When he hesitated, she dropped her hands into her lap. "Matthew, what did he say to you?"

"Jenny, what point is there in discussing this?" he asked, reaching for her hand, frowning when she kept it in her lap. "All it can do is create bad feelings."

She felt herself tensing. "Did he tell you to stay away from me?"

He nodded heavily. "
Ya."

"I thought we loved each other. Why didn't you come tell me what he said?"

"He told me he didn't want me to see you anymore. He said he wouldn't give me permission to marry you."

"We didn't need his permission. I was eighteen."

Too agitated to stay seated, she got up and paced the room again. "I don't understand why you didn't tell me."

"He said he wouldn't give—"

She threw up her hands. "I don't care!"

"But Jenny, I wouldn't come between a father and his child. It's not done. The wishes of a parent are respected here."

Tears sprang into her eyes. "Maybe you just didn't want to marry me!"

"How can you say that? I love you. I loved you then. I love you now."

"I don't know what to think." She swiped at the tears on her cheeks. "The people I love, the people I thought loved me—all of you betrayed me!"

She spun on her heel and started for the door. "I have to—I have to get out of here for a while."

"Jenny! Don't go! Wait, at least take your jacket! It's getting cold outside!"

"Where's Jenny?"

Phoebe appeared beside him, coughing again.

Distracted, Matthew turned and was alarmed by her color again. "Phoebe! You need to lie down."

"I heard Jenny. She sounded so upset." She glanced around. "Where did she go?"

"She said she needed to go for a walk."

"A walk?" Phoebe walked to the window and glanced outside.

"I need to go after her. She didn't take her jacket."

But by the time Matthew got outside, he saw Jenny in front of the other farmhouse, talking with Chris.

The two of them started walking.

He'd lost his chance.

When he returned to the house, he found Phoebe waiting with an expectant expression in the kitchen. Her shoulders slumped when she saw the jacket in his hand.