A Tiger in Eden (20 page)
I turned round and Lana was floating in the wee gentle waves her body this long white shape like a swordfish or something except her red hair was all splayed out in the water loads of it there was, tendrils with a life of their own like some big jellyfish attached to her head or a bloodstain. As soon as I thought that I got a wee flash before my eyes of our Mark lying on the ground, dead disturbing so it was I shook my head to make it go away but there was something funny going on inside me. Fuck, I thought, these aul pills are giving me hallucinations or something. A wave came in then and Lana rose right up her body riding it she was like a corpse there in the water all pale and cold the wave hit me side on and splashed me in the face.
I staggered a bit and spat out water another image appeared in front of me then, rain hitting my cheek me standing over someone freezing and furious. I slapped myself in the gob and whispered, fuck sake Billy what’s wrong with ye pull yourself together it’s just the start of an aul comedown you’ve had them before don’t lose the plot big man.
Lana, I says, making a grab for her leg, come on let’s go back, she stood up in the water then her brow furrowed as she looked at me.
Are you all right Will, she says, aye, I goes, I’m just having a wee bad moment here, something hit me then
like a spasm in my spine, fuck, I shouts and swallows real hard giving Lana a look.
Let’s go now, she says and puts her arm under mine. We waded back into shore there was people all around whooping and cheering at all the nudies coming in and out of the water and looking for their kit, we just ignored them and even though the two of us were buck naked we splashed our way along the waterline back towards the huts. People were staring at us but they must of seen the look on my face like I was sick or something a few good sorts helped us along and told others to get the fuck out of the way I’ll say that for your dance music crowds they help each other out if someone’s not right or having a wee episode.
The sun was rising over the horizon people were starting to sit down and appreciate it I could feel the first warm feeling of it on my skin I’m sure it was beautiful and all but I’ll tell you what even though it was just an aul wooden shack with a sweaty mattress and a torn mosquito net I’ve never been so glad to get home. Lana was practically carrying me towards the end my legs were going all funny dead stiff I was seizing up or something.
Shouldn’t of made that crack about robots, I says weakly, trying to make a joke.
Just shut up, Lana goes, lie down I’ll take care of you it’ll be all right I’m here.
I’m sorry, I says, seriously whatever I say I’m sorry you’ve got to believe me please don’t leave please.
Fuck me, I never thought it would come down to just one day when I’d have to face up to what I done but that’s the way it turned out. No magistrate or court of law or nothing, must of been my own conscience or our Mark reaching out from beyond the grave or wherever the fuck he was. I was caught with my guard down after having all the pills sure you’re always a wee bit vulnerable after a big night. I was totally defenceless when it happened not prepared or nothing but it’s my own fault I suppose I should of worked it out ages ago but you know how it is always putting things off especially if you know deep down they’re gonna be a fucking nightmare.
That’s how it started actually, an aul nightmare. Me and Lana were exhausted the two of us I was getting wee flashbacks and not feeling the best and she was
fussing over me, she soaked her towel in cold water and folded it up for my head to try and keep me cool I was drifting in and out of consciousness sort of a half-sleep half-drug fever comedown sort of thing. Eventually she must of passed out too poor darlin’ she must of been knackered. I started having these aul vivid dreams my eyes was opening and closing sure I don’t know what state I was in then it all started flooding back there was no way of me resisting no more.
There I was in the back of a van with Big Jim and our Mark and another fella, Talbot his name was though we called him Tabby. It was all dark and wet in there and we were arguing Big Jim was telling me we had no choice my brother was a squealer he’d been talking to the wrong people and telling them all about our operations that was why he was tied up on the floor with an aul gag in his mouth his eyes wide glaring at me as if to say don’t believe it Billy sure you know I wouldn’t do that. I was defending him and telling Big Jim no way not our Mark it can’t be it must be someone else this is a mistake. Big Jim looked huge in the dream, he’d a black jacket on him and a Browning 9 mil. in his belt, are you defending this cunt, he says, you better watch it Billy or I’ll be turning my gaze on you this makes me question your loyalties.
Tabby kicked our Mark in the guts then and I slapped him one with the back of my hand my ring burst his lip, don’t you fucking touch him, I says, that’s my brother if he’s done anything wrong I’ll deal with it not you.
Mark’s gag came out then and he shouts, no Billy please I didn’t know and Big Jim gives me a look as if to say I fucking told ye so then clubs him with the butt of the pistol, that’s when I woke up completely dripping with sweat.
I sat up straight on the aul bed and turned around so my legs were hanging off the side of it trying to touch the wooden floor. Lana was lying there spread-eagled all sweaty her eyes closed out for the count, fuck me I was thinking, that was horrible so it was.
I kept seeing what happened next in my head I tried shutting my eyes but it wouldn’t go away for a minute I thought maybe I was still sleeping but I wasn’t this was real like I was reliving it I knew what was coming, oh fuck, I says out loud, it was like being tied to the tracks of a rollercoaster just waiting for it to come squealing round the corner and chop ye to bits.
We were in the shooting yard. That’s where we’d take Catholics if we wanted to do a number on them and where we’d get young ones initiated into the cause by handing them all a piece with one bullet in it and getting them to shoot someone who was strung up to the wall. Get five lads to do it at once and the responsibility’s shared and if someone doesn’t pull the trigger then you break his fingers. I’d been there myself years before, it was a bad place so it was a lot of poor cunts had come to a nasty end on those cobblestones and here was our Mark lying on the ground bleeding from the mouth and the ears after a beating. It was raining and
Big Jim was arguing with Tabby under the awning whilst I stood over Mark with blood on my knuckles. Big Jim had convinced me Mark was a squealer, he had proof right enough and I’d got stuck into him. I knew where this had to go but my brain couldn’t process it all I could see was my wee brother lying in the rain with his head kicked in and ‘membered him pushing me down Tennant Street on the go-kart we made out of aul pram wheels we’d pinched. I couldn’t hardly believe he’d squealed on us but Big Jim laid it all out there was no denying it and I was raging so I was.
Tabby was pleading for my brother’s life which is what I should of been doing instead of standing there like a dumb cunt but whatever he was saying to Big Jim wasn’t filtering through and next thing my boss steps out from the shadows the rain dripping off his chin and extends his hand to me. It was the Browning. I took it and fuck me I don’t know if I can even say what I done Jesus fucking Christ I said goodbye to my wee brother Mark like he was nothing to me even though he was everything he was all I had left and I fucking shot him, oh God help me I shot him what did I do that for why didn’t I stop and say no oh Jesus mother of God why.
I stood up in the hut pulling at the mosquito net to get it off of me and my whole body went stiff as a board fucking rigid like I’d been electrocuted. I tried to shout scream make any noise at all but there was nothing came out of me, I could hardly breathe my lungs were so tight in my chest, I could feel the muscles in my neck straining
and my eyes bulging and then it was like something shot out of me through the fucking roof and I collapsed on the floor like an aul sack of potatoes no feeling in me at all.
I lay there for a couple of minutes catching my breath not even able to think about what was happening I was so feared and then slowly at first I started crying it all came pouring out of me built up for years and I couldn’t stop I just couldn’t and I didn’t want to neither.
Lana must of heard me because next thing you know there she was on the floor beside me the two of us naked as jaybirds all sweat and stink sand and dirt sticking to us still salty from the sea, she held on to me real tight whispering in my ear her voice dead soft and comforting. She didn’t even know what was going through my head but she knew it was bad sure there was no mistaking it honest to God how she put up with me those next few hours I’ll never know there’s a lifetime of debt right there. She tried to get me up on the bed but I was dead weight so I was, so she pulled the sheet and pillows down onto the ground to try and make me comfortable stroking my head the whole time she was and singing wee lullabies like you would for a wean who’s having a rough night.
I lay on the floor bawling my eyes out for hours, it was as low as I’ve ever felt in my life it was like all the shite I’d ever done got converted to tears there must of been about three gallons of salty water came out of me even though it was warm I was shivering and curled up in a ball under the sheet Lana scooched in behind me. Every time I thought I was calming down it started up
again only worse. I just wanted to die that’s the truth of the matter, that’s all I deserved I was thinking.
The shooting yard was gone out of my head now or at least something was different about it I just ‘membered Mark growing up and how he was and all the things between us as dumb fucking wee lads how he used to go mad if I threw the cardboard cylinders inside bog rolls in the bin when he liked to collect them to build castles and how he licked the lids of yoghurts which disgusted me a wee bit sure he’d do it right in front of me and that time when he come home with a pair of red slip-on shoes with tassels on them and I near died laughing. Him dyeing his hair jet black but not realising you had to keep the dye from getting on your skin and ending up with a black forehead and streaks all down his back. The time our da got him an aul second-hand racing bike with ten gears it was a bit big for him but Mark went out on it anyway pleased as punch and some fucking stupid cow couped him off it with her Datsun a week later when she come out of a side street without looking the bike was wrecked and he had a broken wrist, fucking lucky he was her too it goes without saying. Him buying his first album, Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Welcome to the Pleasuredome
he played it about a thousand times, sure ‘Two Tribes’ was our anthem I still ‘member all the tracks and most of the words Holly Johnson singing
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasuredome e-rect.
Every wee moment of him that came back started me bawling afresh I didn’t get no sleep at all that day, sure
I never thought I’d sleep again but by about three in the afternoon I was wrung out there was no more tears left in me, that’s not to say I was done being upset sure I knew the feeling would never go away when I thought about our Mark but for the first time it felt like I actually could think about him and ‘member the good bits of how he was, the knowledge was there of what I’d done there’s no denying it but at least I wasn’t trying to deny it no more it was something I’d have to live with even though it’s the worst thing in the world and you can’t imagine going on living the fact is you are living waking up and eating and walking around and talking to people and experiencing the world and going to your bed the cycle never ends and you can’t help that it’s the way it is and you can stay sorry about something your whole life God knows I knew I’d think about my brother every day from now on and have a wee quiet moment remembering him and telling myself what a cunt I was back then but I never wanted to hurt no one no more and I realised I wasn’t that cunt anymore the man I was now was different, sure every day you’re different as you move further away from who you used to be people say you have to learn from the past and the mistakes you made but I don’t agree with that so I don’t, it’s not by reliving the past that you’ll learn anything it’s by living in the present like the Buddhists say fuck me they’re totally right about all this stuff so they are.
My face was all puffed up and my legs felt like two melting ice-creams but by the time evening was coming
around Lana managed to get me up and into the bed I was totally wrung out she was too but it felt like I might be able to sleep a wee bit out of pure exhaustion. She flopped back on the bed rubbing her eyes and I squeezed in beside her our skins sticking to each other, thank you I says about to pass out she just nodded and smiled she was a bit teary herself tell me about him one day, she goes, her voice all croaky. I must of been muttering away all day about our Mark I gulped it near set me going again with the waterworks, I will, I says, I will my love.
The two of us fell asleep holding onto each other then, the last thing that went through my mind was I’m never letting this one go that’s the end of the old me right there when I close my eyes when I wake up my new life begins. We must of slept for six hours or more sure when I opened my eyes again it was the middle of the night and all was quiet there was no aul party going on I suppose everyone was knackered and crashed out like us. I got up dead wobbly and stared at Lana for a bit in the gloom just her outline perfect she was absolutely perfect sure she’d stuck with me through this seen me at my worst and I knew I could trust her, maybe the first I ever could. I’d never do better and I vowed to ‘member that. I was dead hot and needed some air so I went outside onto the wee balcony looking down over the beach and the ocean. There was no one about only a few last gaspers further down the beach the music was all switched off and there was rubbish everywhere bottles and food wrappers and bits of clothing, what a mess. The sky was clear it was
quite bright ‘cos the aul moon was out again and nearly full sure just on the wane now you could almost see the craters on it the sea of tranquillity and all that there was loads of stars too, nothing like looking at infinity for calming ye down.