A Tiger in Eden (13 page)
He looked at me funny then, sure you’re only a young man, he goes, you could get yourself on a course somewhere no bother I’m sure.
Aye I was thinking that, I says, I wonder what I’d like doing.
Well what are you good at, he goes.
I let out a big sigh then, aye good question sure the only A-levels I could of done would of been eating, sleeping and wanking.
Right, he laughs, well what do you like then what’re your interests?
I was a bit embarrassed, well I like reading books, I says but that’s a recent development since I come over here. To tell you the truth Tony I’m not exactly blessed in the brains department, I’m the first one to admit it.
Don’t put yourself down, he goes, sure it takes most people years to work out what they’re going to do with themselves I was lucky I knew from a young age you’ve plenty of time don’t worry about it, just relax and keep reading that’s my advice.
We talked for ages he was quite chilled out so he was, not what you’d expect from an accountant from Larne or any cunt from the province for that matter, sure I’d never met a middle-aged man from Northern Ireland who wasn’t twisted with bitterness.
Here, he goes, have you tried Vipassana yet, I don’t know, I says, is it like the Chang ‘cos I’m sick of that.
No, he goes, it’s not a beer you dunderhead it’s a
meditation retreat in the jungle.
What do you mean, I says, like yoga and that?
Aye well that’s part of it, he goes, but the idea is you go to some isolated place run by Buddhists and you live like they do for ten days not saying nothing and just thinking about things.
It sounds like a bunch of aul hippie nonsense, I says, you mean you don’t say nothing at all?
Not a word, he goes, silent retreat just contemplation.
Have you been, I says.
Aye sure I’ve been twice now, once up in Chang Mai and another time down the coast it was brilliant so it was. I come out of it feeling a hundred and ten per cent.
Honest, I says, is it that good, well it’s hard work too, he goes, you have to get up at four in the morning and you can go a bit mad not being able to talk but if you’ve any aul problems weighing you down sure you’ve nothing else to do but confront them, it’s not for everyone but I’d personally recommend it I’d be a lot more messed up if I hadn’t done it my older brother got killed by the Provos when I was young, mistaken identity you know the sort of thing two boys with balaclavas on walked into the bar and shot him in the face they thought he was an off-duty policeman, it played on me for a long time but I put it to bed and made my peace after becoming a Buddhist.
What, I says, you’re a Buddhist, fuck me are you a Catholic Buddhist or a Protestant one?
He cracked up laughing then, that’s hilarious, he goes,
aye, I says, sure I’m only kidding on. I wasn’t at all it was a serious question but as soon as I said it I realised how fucking stupid it was. With a name like Baird he was obviously Protestant.
Is there a Buddhist church in Larne, I says, he thought that was funny too, if there was it’d be a congregation of one, he says, nah look I’m not into all that sectarian stuff like I said I’ve opened my mind to new things now sure the world’s too big to be worrying about all that nonsense, like a muppet I used to think once you’d seen the Mountains of Mourne and been over to Magaluf that was about it. Back home they’d have you believe Northern Ireland was the be-all end-all and when you’re there the problems we have seem like the most important thing in the world but as soon as you step outside the country you realise it’s a load of aul bollocks, so it is. No one cares about the place. You tell people and they’ve not even heard of it. There’s too much to see and do in the world to be pinching your head with that aul Catholic and Protestant codswallop.
My mind was racing at what he was saying, sure I’d a couple of weeks spare until my new bank account got sorted out and the fact that the idea of doing his retreat thing scared me a wee bit made me think I should do it. He was a good lad our Tony and quite diplomatic too, he knew I must of been in trouble back home sure he probably put two and two together but he kept his mouth shut and didn’t preach or nothing, just said I should try the meditation thing and see if it did me any
good, couldn’t do any harm and if I didn’t like it sure I could leave any time I wanted.
What sort of people go on it then, I says, are they all fucked up, sure you wouldn’t believe some of the stories, he goes, you get to talk at the end and find it all out the worst part of it is the women though.
How so, I says, well they’re gorgeous so they are, he goes, and there’s loads of them right there in front of ye but you can’t talk to them, you shouldn’t even be looking at them but it’s hard and you’re not supposed to touch yourself either so you can imagine.
Fuck me, I says, it sounds like being a monk for a fortnight, it is, he goes, sure the one down the coast is in a monastery right on the edge of the jungle, pack your robes if you’re going.
Well I wouldn’t mind trying it to be honest with you Tony, I goes, but I don’t have any robes or nothing, sure where do you buy them?
I’m only messing ye, he says, just go the way you are, the monks wear the robes not you, dunderhead.
The aul cocktails fairly flowed after that sure Tony had an expense account and everything, he was putting it all on the bill of his company back home and it wasn’t long before the two of us were spackered. He was great craic, so he was. Him and me near drunk the bar dry and fell about in the pool and chatted up the ladies, a good aul blowout was just what I needed after seeing off the Frenchman.
He had hollow legs on him too our Tony, sure he was
still staggering by the end of the night and had to carry me back to the room. I was slurring my words trying to tell him he was brilliant and if I’d been a knob jockey sure he’d be the man for me right enough and the accountancy wasn’t boring at all and if anyone said any different he should let me know and I’d burst them. The last thing I’member was collapsing onto the bed, CDs flying all over the place, thinking what a laugh I was going to try my hand at being a monk.
Tony was taking a slash in the bathroom and I gulders at him, hey Obi Wan Kenobi, show us your lightsaber. He laughed and shouted something back but sure I didn’t hear it I was already curled up in the crisp sheets, halfway to nirvana.
It was weird checking into a monastery so it was, a bit like a hotel only there’s no room service no cable TV not even a bed actually. I had a cell sort of thing, a square made out of stone with an aul door hanging off the hinges, totally featureless inside except for a slab of concrete with a wooden board stuck to it sure that was the bed hard as fuck and the pillow was even more of a laugh, a wee block of wood like a brick with a bevel cut out of it. The only way to get any sleep at all was to lie flat on your back and work your neck into the dip in the block. I would of complained to the management only I’d signed an agreement on the way in to say I’d keep my mouth shut for the next ten days and my sign language wasn’t up to scratch.
This tough-looking monk signed me up, his face and
his neck was all scarred down one side. I wondered what had happened to him and sure it was only much later I found out a big fucking monkey had clawed the face off of him. Apparently it was well pissed off about something, gone loco on the rampage foaming at the mouth and had come down into the local village, everyone was dead scared. It was going spastic, it tried to grab a wean but this fella wrestled it to the ground only not before it had give him an aul beating. I was dead impressed when I heard that, sure monkeys are strong bastards, I wouldn’t like to fight one anyway.
So the deal was once you were signed in and paid up you were given a cell of your own in this block of about fifty. It was all fellas but there was another one across the way for women. All you had to do was keep your cell clean and sign up for a chore you had to do every day, most of them were already gone the good ones anyway like cleaning the bogs and emptying the scorpion bucket, so I chose the one no cunt wanted which was to give a reading from their Bible the Tripitaka halfway through the week in front of everyone. I didn’t mind that, it’s funny how people would rather clean up shite than talk in public. I’m not bothered by that at all though I laughed when I read that was one of the jobs. Because I was just signing up I could still talk to the monkey monk, he spoke English and everything. Tripitaka, I says, is that not your man from that TV show
Monkey Magic.
He just gave me a look, sorry, I says, no insult intended it’s a stupid aul show anyway.
The rest of the day was quiet, nothing to do really but walk around nodding at people ‘cos you couldn’t say fuck all. They gave you a schedule of what to expect, I didn’t like the look of it to be honest. The bells would ring at four in the morning and you had to get up and stagger down to this open-air hall next to a lake to listen to the morning prayer or something and then do some aul yoga whilst the sun came up. Then you’d have breakfast and then back to the hall to listen to some lecture and meditate guided by the monks.
This went on till about lunchtime then you’d eat again and do walking meditation basically that was having a wander and thinking about stuff then one final talk and that was it the rest of the day was your own to do your chores or whatever. There was no eating after lunchtime that didn’t sound good but you could go to this hot springs in the evening it was good for your aul legs apparently as they’d be crossed all day and if you weren’t used to that it’d be dead sore. Separate baths for the men and the women of course then a wee nighttime lecture and off to bed about nine o’clock.
It sounded like school to me except there was no football or beating people up or snorting whizz behind the bike sheds. Sure I knew fuck all about the Buddhism but I thought why not I’ll give it a try sure I’ll probably fall asleep getting up at four in the fucking morning. There’s a fifty-per-cent drop-out rate yer man says when I signed up, if you don’t want to be here or can’t follow the rules then it’s okay, he goes, just leave don’t disturb
the others though some people are very into it. Aye no bother, I was thinking, sure it’ll be nice having a bit of peace and quiet for a change though ten days doesn’t sound hard. I couldn’t figure out why people would leave maybe they’re so used to talking the silence drives them mad or something.
The grounds of the monastery were quite big and wild it was sort of half in the jungle, there was all kinds of plants and bugs and stuff that I’d never seen before and I was careful not to touch nothing in case I got stung or bit. The monkey monk told me to watch out for snakes they’re really bad, he says, cobras especially if one gets in your room run out but don’t hurt it, aye right, I was thinking, a fucking cobra sure you’ll not see me for dust, worse than the snakes though are the scorpions, he says, don’t step on one they’re so venomous they kill the cobras. Holy fuck, I thought, isn’t it someone’s job to empty the scorpion bucket what’s that all about, I says to him, we trap them in there at night and release them into the jungle the next day, he says. The Buddhists don’t believe in killing nothing not even bugs sure you had to be careful not to step on the ants or swat the mosquitoes, going a bit far I reckoned but he says that might be you in the next life. Right enough, I thought, I’m getting demoted that’s for fucking sure. Worst of all, he goes, are the centipedes they’re so poisonous they kill the scorpions don’t let one get on you. Jesus fuck could they not of built their monastery somewhere where all these creepy crawlies didn’t live, I was thinking, when he
said there was a fifty-per-cent drop-out rate maybe that was because everyone died or got eaten. What eats the centipedes, I says, we do, he goes, that’s what you have for breakfast. He must of seen the look on my face ‘cos he burst out laughing then, just a joke, he says, though they might be nice fried.
I quite liked the monkey monk, he spoke well so he did and he was a good laugh, he gave a couple of the talks. I liked his the best ‘cos he was hard as fucking nails. I seen him one morning out on the edge of the jungle with his shirt off practising his kung-fu or whatever, fuck me you would not of messed with the cunt he was ripped so he was and had scars all down his side where the monkey had torn him up. He could of taken on twenty men at once like in them martial arts movies he’d fucking kill ye with one punch, I knew a bit of the muaythai and all but he’d knock my bollocks in no doubt about it.
Tony Baird was right about the women. Sure there was fifty of them from all round the world by the looks of it, fucking gorgeous the lot of them too, when they lined up in the food hall to get their rice all the fellas were staring at them with their gobs hanging open. The funny thing was most of the women ignored the lads and sat looking out at the jungle when they were eating whereas the fellas did the opposite and sat looking at the women. The monks had made it quite clear though any fucking around and trying it on with the females and you’d be out on your ear, maybe chucked in the scorpion pit or something beforehand just for good measure.