A Small Town Dream (8 page)

“What exactly is it you want to experience?”

“The city. The
world
. What it would be like just to hitchhike across the country for a
year. Work as a short-order cook in some diner in California. Live on the street in New York. Sure, I’m scared, and worried about the future, but that, Annie, that’s exciting. The future will be there no matter what, so why not take a risk, jump in,
do
something. I love Connie and Rockland and my folks. I’m not looking for an escape, just to...
add
to the experiences I’ve already had.” He got up and started pacing, hand behind his back.

“Parker, Connie wants to leave—”

“
Connie
wants to leave
here
and settle somewhere else. Anywhere. Anyplace that’s not
here
. She wants to settle—”

Down
, thought Annie.
Connie wants to settle
—

“—down, and I
don’t
. Not now. Maybe not ever. Connie wants to settle down because she doesn’t know who she is. I don’t want to
settle
at all. You do, too, but it’s because you know who you are well enough to know what you want. Never mind everybody saying we
have to go
, we
have to
leave
, you’re secure with yourself. You’re happy being
you
, being
here
, I love that
so
much.”

“But, Connie’s…you...” Annie fumbled for words. “She’s in love with you, Parker.” She didn’t
know what she was trying to say. He had filled her with such
feelings
, she wanted him to say
I love
you
again so she could say it back. “Parker, Connie is my friend. My
best
friend.”

She watched him visibly shrink, and her heart broke, but she’d had to say it. He stood a while longer, then slumped back down on the log next to her.

“I know. You’re a good person, Anne, and that’s why... well,
you
know.” He took her hand again, and they sat, listening to the crackle of the fire, the rustling of the breeze through the trees, the gentle movement of that breeze on the water. Then he let go of her hand and leaned forward, elbows on knees. “We do have to stop, don’t we?”

“Yes. We can’t hurt Connie. The future
will
happen, and maybe someday, something will happen between us. But for now, Connie comes first. You have to deal with that. You really do.”

“I know,” he scrubbed a hand over his face, “I know.”

The fire was dying, so she leaned into him for warmth. He put an arm around her shoulders, but not her waist, and did not try to kiss her again. She was thankful for his respect but couldn’t help wishing it could be her and not Connie.

All too soon, it grew dark enough that they had to leave. They drove in silence. At her house, he opened the car door for her. They stood looking at each other for a long time, sensing the end of something that never really had a chance to begin.

When she could no longer bear the silence, she said, “I’ll always be your friend, Parker.”

“I know, but I want so much more.”

They hugged, but held on a little too long, and their lips nearly touched as they separated.

“I’ll...
deal
with Connie,” he said.

“Thank you.”

“We’ll go to prom, we’ll finish the year, and then....”

“It’ll be okay, Parker, it really will,” she said, more for herself than for him.

They embraced once more, and then he drove away. She felt hollow inside, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Connie could have her dream for a while longer and then, Parker would leave, and then Connie would leave. They would
all
leave eventually, and Annie could enjoy her small town life without distractions.

That sounded just...
fine
.

Time passed, and things settled down, Connie was happy again. Parker was either happy or faking it really well. Christmas came and went, and he gave her a promise ring.

“I know they’re not
real
diamonds, but it’s five whole carats. Isn’t it gorgeous?” She showed it to everyone incessantly. “It’s
exactly
what I wanted.”

Annie had to turn away the first time she saw it. A halo-style “engagement” ring in cheap sterling with even cheaper stones. Full price at the super-store, it sold for less than forty dollars. She was mortified. How could fashion-forward Connie suddenly be so clueless?

But Annie’s the one who had counseled them to talk to each other, and it had worked. Hurray for Annie.

Annie and Parker were awkward with each other at first, but with time, they returned to being friends. Parker never asked to speak to her privately again. He didn’t show up at her house, take her for rides, or build fires for her at the beach. Everything was outwardly back to normal. Annie came to dislike
normal
quite a bit. Still, she felt good about her choice to be faithful to her friend. She never doubted she had done the right thing, and considering he and Connie seemed to be stronger together than ever, she assumed Parker felt the same way.

***

“His parents went away for the entire weekend, and I am
not
kidding, we barely left the bedroom!” Parker had given Connie a copy of the
Kama Sutra
for Christmas. “They’re not kidding, Annie. Those positions are…
wow
!”

Connie giggled and blushed, secure again, her dream for the future solid. Annie was pleased for her. Parker seemed outwardly happy, too, considering he couldn’t seem to be able to keep his hands off Connie.

Things were different, however. For the first time, Annie began to feel like a third wheel, but it wasn’t just because Parker stopped trying to make her feel comfortable and welcome. He never said a word, just went out of his way to make a show. He took to dipping Connie for kisses, then looking at Annie out of the corner of his eye. He’d nuzzle Connie’s ear, then slide his hand down to grab at her bottom at an angle he knew Annie could see. She refused to be rude, and couldn’t bear to point out his insincerity to Connie, so she said nothing.

He was also smoking close to a pack a day by then, and when Connie wasn’t looking, Parker would “accidentally” exhale in Annie’s direction, and then pretend to apologize. So she began to make up polite excuses to avoid being alone with the two of them.

***

At the school New Year’s Eve party, Annie was the only one in her group without a date. Connie promised to let Parker kiss her at midnight—after she had
her
kiss from him, of course.

The party actually was fun for Annie. She danced with a few guys she knew, laughed, and even had a little of the surreptitiously spiked punch. In spite of herself, she found herself staring at Parker and Connie whenever they slow-danced. They
seemed
perfectly happy, but Annie still couldn’t believe Connie—let alone the other girls—didn’t see through him. They all vied for his attention, and he flirted with them shamelessly, but always with Connie egging him on.

Towards the end of the evening, Annie walked out of the gym into the frosty night air to clear her head. The moon was full, and the blanket of snow on the football field
glowed almost blue. She took a deep breath, smiled at the moon, and sighed.

“Well, good evening, Annie.” At the unfamiliar voice, she turned to see Paul Jenks standing behind her. He was also a senior, a photographer for the school paper, and a computer geek of some sort. He was completely outside Annie’s circle, but there he was. Lighting a perfectly rolled joint.

He took a hit, then realizing he’d been rude, held it out to her. Annie looked at it, then looked at him, and shook her head. He waited to exhale, and then asked, “Sure you’re not interested?” That one word opened a floodgate.

Interested?
Absolutely,
she thought,
I am. I am interested in so many things, but I somehow seem to let them all slide by.

She took a step closer. “Maybe I will, Paul. Thanks.” He held it out to her.

“Um, I don’t… Sorry.”

“That’s OK. Just breathe in a little at a time, like through a straw. Let it go down slow, and then try to hold your breath as long as you can.” She did as he instructed, except she didn’t cough. He was impressed. “Nicely done. You sure you’ve never smoked before?” She shook her head.

She passed the joint back to him, still holding her breath, but starting to struggle. “My word, OK, you can breathe now, Annie.” She let out her breath in a rush then smiled at him goofily. They passed the joint back and forth a few more times, and when she began to weave a bit, he gestured that she’d probably had enough, then finished it off himself.

Out of the blue, she started to giggle.

“What’s so funny, Annie?” he asked, his eyes twinkling because he already knew.

“I have no idea, Paul, but this is—” and she dissolved into laughter.

“Good stuff, isn’t it?” It took all she had just to nod her head. She was doubled over, still laughing, feeling a release she never knew possible.

Finally, she slowed down enough to say, “Thanks, Paul,” then giggled some more. “So, I guess I’m… I think I’m…am I—?”

“Stoned? Oh yeah, Annie, you’re toasted.” That made her laugh ever more. “You sure you’re OK?” She nodded, still giggling. It felt great. “Good for you, Anne. I think you needed that.”

“More than I knew, I guess.” She took a deep breath of the wintery air and hugged herself. “This is one terrific feeling. And that
moon
…” It was now desperately beautiful to her. “Look at that moon…” He put a brotherly arm around her shoulder and gave her a gentle squeeze.

“You enjoy the moon, Annie. I’d better get back,
else my date will be worried.” She turned her head to look at him.

“Oh, you have a date? Who?”

“Betsy Mayfield.”

“She’s sweet. Are you going together?”

“It’s nothing serious. We’re just friends out for the night.” Then he frowned. She looked a little dopey still. “You sure you’re okay?” She nodded, then turned back, still lost in the wonder of the moon.

“I’m fine, Paul, and thanks again. I think I needed that.”

“I think you did. Happy New Year, Annie.”

“Happy New Year, Paul.” At that, he turned and went back inside.

He went inside, and she returned to the moon and that light, relaxed feeling. She loved it, then suddenly thought,
oh no, what if I get addicted
? Then she laughed at herself.
I’m such a
control freak
.

The wind came up, making it uncomfortably cold, so she decided to return to the party. But when she turned to go inside, there was Parker.

“Mr. Levitt,” she said formally, wondering just how long he’d been standing there. “Happy New Year to you.”

“And to you, but what are you doing out here?” She tried to move past him, but stumbled a bit. He put a steadying hand on her arm.

“Whoa there, Annie.” Then he tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. “You smell like…” He sniffed near her face. “I had no idea you smoked.”

The part of Annie that would have continued on her way was short-circuited, so she found herself beckoning him closer.