A Small Town Dream (3 page)

Parker’s new-found confidence and effusiveness weren’t the only differences, however. Annie hadn’t run in Parker’s circle, but she knew enough of him to notice the most obvious change: his appearance. His conservatively short haircut had begun to brush his collar. His blue jeans were no longer blue, but black to match his t-shirt. Instead of soda, he ordered coffee—black—and Annie could swear she smelled nicotine on his breath. She repeatedly caught herself losing track of the conversation.

“—you just don’t know where to look,” he was saying, “there’s so much going on, and so many people. It’s exciting and scary at the same time and—”

He frankly shone with excitement and Annie watched Connie watch him.

“—and, you know, food, you can get all kinds of food from these trucks on the street. It’s kind of like a county fair here except all the time. I had breakfast, lunch and dinner from three different carts in one day. All of it pretty darn good, too. Strange but, good, and—”

Finally, Tilly, the waitress, came by, asking if anyone needed anything more. Parker turned to Connie immediately, asking if she was hungry or thirsty, obviously taking good care of her. Ellen caught Annie’s eye and shrugged, a silent gesture of
Wow, were we wrong or what?
Everyone else smiled, too, and Parker took up right where he’d left off.

***

The rest of the summer moved easily. Days by the water, nights either on the water tower or just driving up and down the streets. Parties, laughter, and the lovely simplicity of summer slipping into fall in a small town. Despite Parker being home, Connie still spent time with her friends. He needed time to study and prepare, she said. So she divided her time between work, friends and Parker, still her savior. Annie expected Connie would cling to him, never let him out of her sight, but that was not the case. Annie and Ellen again laughed at themselves one night.

“We’ve seen too many of those movies about big city intrigue,” Ellen said, “conniving women with ulterior motives. Were we dumb, or what?” Annie laughed. “Maybe you have the right idea,” Ellen continued. “Who needs to be in a big city if that’s the kind of thing you come to expect from people? Do you think that really happens? I don’t know, all the rush and the people and the crime. All the homeless and the lost. Do you
have
to become cynical, cold, maybe even judgmental, to deal with it all?”

Annie didn’t have to give it much thought because she had seen a side of herself lately that shocked her, and she wasn’t going to make that mistake again, not ever. “Yes, I do, El, that’s exactly what I think. I don’t like the way I spoke to Connie, or what I thought of her. I can’t say where it came from, so maybe movies and all had an influence. I believe you, but still, Connie’s a friend, and I should have thought better of her.”

That conversation was one of the final bits of healing needed. The other was seeing Connie and Parker together, and Connie not changing her life, neither clinging nor controlling him. Both Annie and Ellen felt they saw the entire picture clearly, and it was a good one.

“Ellen, I don’t
ever
want to think that way about anyone, not ever again.”

“How do you avoid it, though?”

Annie gave it some thought. “By staying true to who you really are. Knowing who you are, what you want, and trusting yourself to be strong in that.”

“You make that sound so simple, so easy, Annie, so... right.”

“Well, it’s not simple, or easy, but it
is
right, for me, anyway. I’ve known that for a long time.” They were both quiet for a while. Finally, Ellen, broke the silence.

“So, you’ll stay here.”

“And be very happy,” Annie assured her, “because you know I’ve always loved this town and have no need to leave. Until now, though, I didn’t know why. It was just a gut feeling, but now I know. I never want to be cold, or mistrustful, and I don’t want to change. It sounds boastful maybe, but I am kind of smart, and funny sometimes—”

“Especially on the water tower with a little liquor in you.” Annie swiped a playful hand at her friend, then continued.

“I
am
strong, Ellen, and I can be all those things in this sweet, familiar, comfortable little town. Maybe, after I’m married, I’ll go to Europe or California or—New York, and see all those people, and eat that weird street food Parker talks about. But, until then, Rockland’s good, and Rockland’s where I belong, I know it.” Ellen laughed and hugged Annie.

“I admire you, Annie. I wish I were that strong in my convictions. I feel like crap the way I thought of Connie and sure, moving somewhere else, I might change, because I don’t feel as close to this life as you do. Sometimes I wish I did. You make it sound perfect. Just not perfect for
me
.”

“It’s ok, El, at least you’ll always know where you can find me.”

***

Parker quickly became part of their circle. Everyone liked him, and he began to open up and relax. Connie never changed, just remained relaxed and happy. The summer days passed. Connie looked forward to the coming school year because she had a guaranteed date for the prom, and someone to be with on Saturday nights, so nothing could dampen her mood.

All was just fine, as it always is.

Until it is no longer.

“This guy went to Columbia,” Parker said, dropping a book on the table in front Annie. She was in the library, studying for a math exam. “He dropped out, of course, I mean, how could he have stayed there?” He watched Annie, waiting for an answer.

She had no idea what to say. She picked up the book and looked at the cover.
On the
Road
.

“Is it good?” Parker’s eyes lit up. He reached across the table and took the book from her hands. He stared at the cover for a moment, smiling, his entire body seeming to vibrate. He nodded once, and then his eyes got misty.

“So good, Annie,” he said at last. “So,
so
good—” And then he was off and running, talking non-stop as he had ever since he got back from New York.

These encounters with Parker had become more frequent once they were back at school. Senior year was shaping up to be just what Annie and her friends had hoped for, and Parker had become part of their little group. He was not seen as an intruder but was more than just Connie’s boyfriend. All the girls liked him, respected him, and were in awe of his drive to finish school, go to Columbia in the big city, and become a lawyer.

They were also a little jealous, but still very happy for Connie. She had more than just her way out of small-town life she so feared. She had a good man. So many of the conversations between Annie’s friends now began with,
Parker is so cool
, or
Parker is just the sweetest guy
, or
Parker
knows so much about the world
. And Parker was regularly taking time out to help them with school work, projects, dances, fund raisers.

Despite his need to focus on his studies and his future, Parker seemed willing and happy to lend a hand, be an ear, a crying shoulder, all in all, to be a good friend. And yet, Annie sensed something was changing about Parker.

True, she didn’t know him that well and had only met him at the end of the summer. But now, a third of the way through the final year of high school, she was seeing more of him, spending more time in his company, but only because he approached her. Even not knowing him that well before, she could see a change in him.

For one thing, he never wore any other color but black. He never stopped talking, especially to Connie’s girlfriends. He had more energy than ten people put together. And his eyes had taken on this…
look
.

***

“How are things between you and Parker?” she asked one afternoon as they sat in the courtyard between classes.
Annie hadn’t wanted to say anything to him, so she decided to see if Connie noticed anything different.
Connie smiled and blushed and then, giggled like a school girl.

“Oh, Annie,” Connie said and laughed again, “I cannot
tell
you how happy I am. I can’t even
explain it. He’s so,
you
know. I
love
him.”

“He sure is helpful lately, seems to be everywhere at once sometimes. Was he like that before with—?”

“Oh, Annie,” Connie said dismissively, “it’s great. He’s totally come out of his shell and… I just
love
him. I’m
in love
with him, and it’s so strong and so wonderful, and I just... Oh,
Annie
...” She trailed off laughing, and with a smile so bright, so wide, Annie decided just to be happy for her friend, and assume she was wrong about their relationship. Again.

But this worried her. Annie had always been a good judge of character, had trusted her instincts, and believed she had a clear view of the world. She was also a pretty good judge of people, even if she did give them the benefit of the doubt more than others did. But now, she wondered. She had been wrong about Connie’s motives toward Parker, and now, it seemed, she was wrong about the change in Parker himself.

“Why did you ask?” Connie broke into her thoughts. “Do...don’t you like Parker?”

Annie was surprised by the question. She liked Parker, found him interesting. She was impressed by his drive to do well in the world, to make his parents proud. She was happy with how he treated Connie. He was kind, polite, and gentlemanly whenever they were out together. Annie had never seen them fight, or sensed anger or tension between them. They were a good, caring, loving couple.

“No, no, Connie, Parker’s great. You two even seem more grown up than most of the other couples here. You don’t look clingy, or desperate. You’re one of the few couples who don’t walk the halls, cemented at the hip, and you have to push past to get to class on time.” That made Connie laugh. “You also never make me feel like a third wheel, and that’s pretty amazing.”

Except if it’s so amazing
, Annie thought,
what is it that’s bothering me
?

“I love Parker, too, Connie, and he’s just great. I just wanted to make sure you’re still happy. That’s all.” Connie grew quiet for a moment and then, she turned in her chair to face Annie straight on. She reached out and took Annie’s hands in hers, and was still silent for a while.

“What is it?” Annie asked.

“That night, on the water tower,” Connie began, “I know... Look, I was pretty pissed at you. But, Annie, you’re my very best friend, and you know me,
really
know me, better than anyone.” Annie tried to speak, but Connie stopped her. “No, honey, please, let me finish, I’ve been thinking about this a lot.” Annie stayed quiet, waiting for Connie to continue.

“You were right, Annie.” Connie sighed, relaxing as if some pain inside her had suddenly subsided. “There it is, Annie. You were right.”

“Right about what?” Annie knew exactly what, but she kept quiet.

“I
was
trying to get pregnant. To trap Parker. Your worst fears about me were true.” Annie held her breath, terrified of what Connie was going to say next. “The first time we had sex, Parker used a condom but...” Connie, looked down at her hands, rubbing the back of Annie’s hands with her thumbs as she struggled to continue. “When we did it again, I... I told him I’d gone on the pill, and that he didn’t need to use a condom. We had sex and he, you know…
inside
me.”

“Connie are you—?” Annie asked half the question.

“No, no, absolutely not. I swear.”

“Thank God.” Annie suddenly wished she could take it all back. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I feel the same way. The minute we were done, I was terrified. What would my parents say? What would
Parker
say? I knew, immediately, it was wrong. I also knew—immediately—it might be too late.” Annie looked at Connie, incredulous.