A Small Town Dream (12 page)

“Okay, I get it. You’re scared. That’ll change, I know it will. And you know what? I’ll wait. I can, and I will.” Annie was floored. Was he deaf?

“I’m…you’re...” She snatched up her backpack. “You’re unbelievable, Parker. Just unbelievable.” She turned on her heel. He followed.

“What are you going to tell Connie?” he asked.
Unbelievable
… She spun on him.

“I’m going to tell her good riddance! I’m going to tell her what a stupid, selfish little boy you are. That she can do
better
than you. And if getting out of town is so important to her,
I’ll give her every penny I have been saving all my life
so she can get away from this town, this life and you.” She stormed off. He shouted after her.

“
She’s
the problem, Annie!
Connie’s
the problem. She ruined
everything
…for
us!
” She stopped, then turned slowly to face him from a distance.

“No, Parker,” she said levelly. “
You
are the problem. And if you don’t make this right, you’ll destroy Connie, but you won’t destroy me.” With that she left him alone.

“Done,” she said to herself, crossing the field toward home.

Done
, she punctuated in her thoughts.
I’m putting this
entire night
mare behind me.

“I kissed him twice. I held his hand, and I kissed him twice.”

Connie sat quietly, looking at the ground. Annie braced for something. What exactly, she didn’t know.

“He’s a good kisser,” Connie said finally, looking at her. “Don’t you think so?” Annie blinked.

“Well, I—”

“Oh, wait, that’s right. You have nothing to compare it to, do you? You’ve never
really
kissed
anyone
, have you? Except my boyfriend,” she sneered. “Well, I’ll
tell
you, Annie. I’ll help you out here. Parker Levitt is a
great
kisser. He is one fabulous, amazing kisser. And do you know what
else
he is? Huh, Annie?
Do
you?”

“No.” Except Annie knew
exactly
where Connie was going, but she wasn’t going to make things worse, not if she could help it.

“He’s good
in bed
.” Connie spat, then smirked. “He kisses better in
bed
than he kisses with
clothes
on.” Annie felt slapped. “Of course,
you
won’t know what that’s like for a long, long time, will you? And even when you
do
find out, you still won’t get it. You know why? Huh, Annie?” Annie shook her head. “Because
you’re
only going to sleep with
one
guy—
one
guy, that’s it—in your
entire
life. That’s all you’ll ever get. You’ll spend the rest of your life with
one
guy’s dick, and you’ll have
no
idea if it’s good or bad, but that won’t matter,
will
it? As long as you’re ‘happy,’” Connie made quotation marks in the air. “And ‘secure’ and ‘right here in Rockland’ with a couple of snot-nosed kids and a sappy-happy hubby, you won’t care.” Connie leered, her eyes slits. When Annie didn’t respond, Connie continued.

“That’s
fine
for you,
isn’t
it,
little
Annie Stewart? You with your pathetic little life and your pathetic little husband and ‘security.’ But
I’m
getting
out
.
And
I’m getting out with
Parker
.” Connie finally ran out of steam and looked off, across the lake, into her future, secure now that she had Parker back. “Parker,” she muttered, “that coward, that jerk, that...
boy
. Do you know what he did after he talked to you?” Connie glared, expecting a response.

“No.”

“He
apologized
. What nerve! He said he was ‘stressed,’” Connie started with the air quotes again, “and
this—
this is classic—he said
you
made the move on
him
. He said you lied about reading the book, that you pretended to ‘understand,’ pretended to ‘love it.’ He said you lied to him just to steal him away from
me
.”

“Connie, I—”

“Don’t
Connie
me, you little… Sure as hell you did, but don’t you worry about it,
Annie
. I forgave him,
Annie
. I told him everything would be fine,
Annie
. I told him, ‘don’t worry any about it, honey.’ And then I called you, and you have the nerve to sit here on this beach and ‘confess.’ But I don’t believe you. I’ll never believe you, you lying…”

Of course, she can’t believe me
. If Connie believed what really happened, she would have to let Parker go, and give up her surefire way out of Rockland. Annie knew this from the start with Parker. But she had to come clean with Connie, if only for the sake of her own sanity.

“But it’s confession time for something else, Annie, and you know what it is.”

“I don’t—”

“Yes you do. You saw Parker as a way out, too. The minute he gave you that
fucking
book, you
saw
it.” Connie paused to take a breath. Annie prayed it would be over soon.
Just sit here, listen, don’t say anything, let Connie get it out
. She owed her that, right? Her best friend, trying to steal her boyfriend away? Annie deserved whatever she got, from Connie and everybody else. But as Connie took a breather and stood, glaring down at Annie, weighing the options, Annie knew there was more.

“So here’s the thing,” Connie started up again, taunting Annie with more air quotes. “I used to tell people, ‘oh, she doesn’t really want to stay here,’ and she’s just ‘nervous about leaving.’ I stood up for you. I thought you had so much going for you. We
all
thought so with your looks, and your brains, and your...
Fuck it!
” Connie screamed into Annie’s face. “I am
not
going to flatter you. You don’t deserve it, not anymore. It’s pathetic I have to spell this all out. You’re a cliché…
Annie
Stewart. A man-stealing, small-minded, small-town
fucking
cliché.” Annie wasn’t prepared for that, but she also refused to let it slide by.

“You’re right,” Annie began, her voice low and even. “I am a cliché. But tell me, Connie, what’s your
non
-cliché reason for wanting out so badly? What exactly is it that’s so awful here?”

“My father raped me.”

Annie didn’t flinch. She just stared back. Under it all, she still respected Connie and knew Connie respected her. But this level of cattiness was dangerous, so because of that respect, Annie knew to wait. Her patience paid off.

“Okay, that’s a lie,” Connie conceded.

“Wow, that’s a terrible lie, Connie.”

“Thanks for the condescension, Annie.” Connie couldn’t resist another barb. “Fine. Do you want the
real
truth?”

“How would I know it’s not another lie?”

Connie dropped her head, then sat back down next to Annie. She linked her fingers, prayer-like, and took a deep breath.

“One summer, I’d just turned eight and it was my birthday. It was a nice party and all that. I remember the cake—chocolate, with these little clowns hanging from the candles. I managed to get to bed without being told, I was so tired. But in the middle of the night, something woke me up, and then I heard the front door shut. I don’t know what woke me, but I remember the sound of the door very clearly, and I somehow knew what it meant. So I went to my window, and there’s my mother, walking down the sidewalk with a suitcase.” Annie sat very still.
This is the real story
.

“I followed her. To the train station. She was buying a ticket, and I walked up to her, and I think maybe I tugged her skirt, or maybe I said something. I don’t remember. But I
do
remember, when she looked down at me, her face… She looked so…
defeated
. And she was slouched, her shoulders all drooping. I’ve seen that a lot ever since. My dad will say something, and she’ll hunch over, and every time, it’s a little worse. Like she dies inside. And I knew it was him. It was my dad who made her feel that way.” Connie sighed. Annie felt that she should say something so Connie would know she was listening.

“So…what did you do? Your mom’s still there, right?”

“She came back home. With me. She didn’t get on the train to Philadelphia. I didn’t ask then, but she kept the ticket, and I found it later, in the bottom of an old purse she gave me to play with. But anyway, we walked back, and I asked her why she was going. And she said—bless her twisted soul for being honest with an eight-year-old kid—she said, ‘I was running away from you and your sister and brother…and your father.” I asked her why, and she said, ‘because I hate my life.’ Then she said she only came back because I caught her. She wanted just to leave, and let my dad somehow figure it out.”

“She didn’t leave a note?”

“I don’t know. I never asked. But it was like a slap. ‘I’m running away from
you.
’ I’m the oldest, and…”

“You’re…?”

“An accident? Not exactly. But she had me young, and I guess she regretted it. She’d never tell me, but I know she hated staying. Anyway, back home, she put me to bed and then she whispered, ‘Look at me, Constance, look hard. This is you in a few years.” She fanned her hand over her face, like a model on a game show. ‘This is
you
, sooner than you know.’ From then on, I noticed, almost every day, something happens, and I see her wince, or she turns away. I watch her shoulders sink, and I hear her sniffling when she thinks I can’t. She gives up a little more—every single day—and I think, I have
got
to get away from here.”

Annie nodded. “I’m so sorry, Connie.”

“You do believe me, don’t you?”

“Yes, and I’m sorry I never paid attention. I don’t know your mother that well, and she always puts up a happy front, so… I really am sorry, Connie.”

“You mean that, don’t you?” Annie nodded. “You’re not just saying that, playing a game?” Annie shook her head. “OK. Apology accepted.”

Then, of all things, they shook hands. They didn’t hug. It just wasn’t the thing to do at that moment.

“This doesn’t solve the Parker problem, though,” Connie said, her shoulders slumping.

“Look Connie, I told you the truth. I really did, but not because I got caught. I just couldn’t lie to you anymore. It was making me sick. I’m truly sorry for what I did with Parker, but I
am
being honest when I tell you, I don’t love him. Not anymore. You also need to know—and you won’t like it, but you need to hear it—he doesn’t love you, either.” Connie looked away. Annie shifted her head so she could still see Connie’s eyes. “He isn’t going to take you to New York. He may not even
go
now. He said he wants to wander around, and write. And he did say he loved me, and part of me believes that. But Connie, you
have
to know the truth. Parker Levitt
isn’t
who you think he is, and you’re
not
going to be able to escape with him.”

Annie stopped there. It was all too much lately. Too much truth, too much tension, and drama, and insanity. Once more, she wished the school year would just end so she could hide in her room for the summer. Then she could commute to school in Davenport, and get her degree, and meet a nice guy, and be done with all of this. She wished they would all leave
her
little town so she could have some peace again.