A Simple Faith: A Lancaster Crossroads Novel (43 page)

“I know the Heavenly Father loves me. It’s the people in the world who stare and say hurtful things. Some of the Englishers, they’re very cruel toward anyone who looks different.” She closed her eyes against the pain of the past, not wanting to dredge up the stories that brought her to tears. “Hurtful. It’s not something any parent would wish on their little ones. And I can’t consider having a child who will face that pain.”

“Hmm.” Dave’s blue eyes sparkled with concern. “It would be nice if we could all protect our children from harm, don’t you think?”

Elsie nodded.

“But we can’t do that.” Dave’s blue eyes glimmered with understanding. “A toddler learning to walk will fall and get bruises. It can’t be helped. So your children, if they are born to be small, with EVC, they must learn to fall and get up on their own.”

Elsie shook her head. “There won’t be any little ones for me, Dave. It’s not Gott’s will for me.”

“It is if you’re going to live Amish.” The lines in his forehead told her that he was serious. This was not something that the clergy would make an exception on.

Her throat felt tight—too thick to swallow.

“Don’t be steered wrong,” the preacher went on. “If you’re going to live Plain, this is not your choice to make. Amish folk marry and have children. We don’t pick and choose our future like an Englisher person walking down the line at a salad bar.”

“I don’t mean to be picky.”

“You and I know that, Elsie. But all the best intentions melt away to nothing when the rules are broken.”

“But I’m not going to break any rules. I’m hoping to get baptized
in the fall, and I won’t break any rules.” She would simply not marry. Although marriage was encouraged, no one ever shunned a woman when she became an old maid.

Just then the bells jangled and in came a gaggle of customers. What poor timing.

Dave put his hat back on his head. “Well. You’ve got some time to think on it. The classes for baptism start in May, if that’s what you choose.”

How could Ruben betray her like this? To have to face one of the ministers, not being prepared at all. She probably hadn’t explained herself well, but her chance was lost.

She thanked Dave for bringing in the crocheted blanket and attended to her customers, trying to tamp down the worries that kept rising up to taunt her. The disapproval of the ministers cast a dark shadow over a person in the community. How could Ruben do this to her?

“Since we met last week, one mystery has been solved for me,” Graciana told the group the next day at their regular meeting in the back room of the library.

Elsie kept her eyes on the older woman, refusing to look across the table at Ruben, no matter how appealing his sparkling blue eyes and wide, friendly smile. Her mind was still reeling from Dave’s unexpected visit yesterday, and despite her sister Emma’s attempts to calm her, anger still simmered inside her.

If I were a teapot, I’d be whistling now, loud and shrill
.

She bit her lip, trying to focus on what Graciana was saying.

“I got this letter from Cross College. It’s in Lancaster.” Graciana unfolded a crisp white sheet of paper. “It’s from a dean of admissions, and she was writing to thank my daughter for attending
the interview that day. This letter says my Clara is accepted to Cross College with a scholarship … and I didn’t even know she applied.”

“So she drove in to Lancaster for a college interview?” Dylan’s voice was firm and steady. Always calm, that Dylan.

“That was it. After the letter came, I did some snooping in Clara’s journals. After the accident, I wasn’t able to look. It felt wrong, and I … I just couldn’t do it. But my sister-in-law and niece sat down with me, and we read things aloud when they seemed important.” Graciana closed her eyes and sniffed back tears. “We laughed and we cried. And by the time we were finished, I remembered my Clara. I remembered her good qualities, like you said, Dr. Monroe.” She reached into the fat envelope and removed a photograph. “This is my Clara.”

Elsie bit back a pang of sadness at the sight of the young girl who had died back in January. Her sparkling eyes, her happy smile.

“She was a beautiful girl,” Haley said.

Zed nodded. “She had your eyes, Graciana.”

The older woman nodded, sucking in her lips to keep from crying. “I also brought this.” She took a round stuffed animal from her purse and held it in front of her for everyone to see. “Pooh Bear. She used to read to him when she was a little girl. Before she could even read, she would sit with a book on her lap and tell him a story. And she slept with him in her bed every night. Even as a teenager. She said he brought her comfort.”

Elsie thought of her little sister and her threadbare doll. Beth never would settle in until her dolly was beside her. Sometimes, when she said her prayers out loud before bed, Beth asked Gott to bless her dolly, as if she were one of the family.

“That’s just like my sister Beth with her dolly,” Elsie said, giving voice to her thoughts. “Some things are the same, Amish or Englisher.”

Graciana gave Elsie’s hand a trembling squeeze as Dylan called for a break.

“Oh.” The older woman let out a breath as the others at the table rose and stretched. “This is so difficult to talk about. But it feels good, too.”

Elsie nodded. Now that everyone was relaxing, her worries came rushing back like a cold wind.

“You’re quiet today,” Graciana told Elsie.

Elsie darted a heated glance at Ruben, who was pouring coffee as if he didn’t have a care in the world. “Something’s weighing on my mind. I’m sorry. It’s got my head spinning so that it’s hard to think of anything else.”

“Are you going to share it with the group?” Graciana asked, her voice quiet with sympathy.

Elsie sucked in a breath. “Oh, no.” The thought of even more people knowing her most private pain cut her deep inside.

She scooted her chair back from the table. “Excuse me,” she told Graciana, not wanting to be rude. She admired the woman and wanted to hear more about Clara, but suddenly the air in the conference room was thick with regret, the walls much too close. She was already at the door when Ruben called her name.

When she turned back for a quick look, tears stung her eyes.

Oh, no. Don’t cry in front of everyone
.

She didn’t want to upset the people here, folks who cared about her. It was best to leave.

Outside the cool air did little to ease the warm flush of her skin. She was in the parking lot when she heard the footsteps behind her, followed by his voice.

“Elsie? Are you leaving so soon?”

Caught, she braced herself and turned to him … his glimmering blue eyes, warm with concern, the lines over his brows that she longed to trace with her fingertips.

Oh, why did she love him so, after all this? The betrayal. The reality that they could not be together. Why did her heart yearn for his kisses when her head knew that she must keep him at arm’s length?

“I can’t stay.” Her lower lip quivered, revealing her sorrow. “I need to go.”

“What is it, Elsie? Are you sick?” He moved closer, holding a cup out to her. “I poured you some coffee, and when I turned around, you were flying out the door.”

She pressed her balled-up fists to her belly. “I’m sick with worry about what you told Preacher Dave about me. Do you know that I’m in trouble now?”

His face went pale as his smile slid away. “But … you’re not truly in trouble. You’re not baptized yet. You’re in your rumspringa, and just because you’re thinking—”

“Dave came to see me. He wanted to set things right.” She winced, swallowing over the knot in her throat. “Those things I told you, about not having children? That was personal, Ruben. My own private thoughts. How could you go and tell a minister everything?”

“I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t like I planned it. You know Dave is my uncle, and we talk all the time. He can tell when something’s on my mind. He asked a few questions and the story spilled out.”

“But don’t you understand? It’s spilled milk. Once it’s out of the pitcher, there’s no putting it back in.”

Ruben frowned. He seemed to notice the cups of hot coffee in his hands. In one motion he pitched the hot liquid from both of them into the melting snow at the side of the road. He stacked the cups and looked down at them, his face shadowed with regret. “I never meant to hurt you, Elsie. You’ve got to believe that. I told Dave what was on my mind because I couldn’t stop thinking about you … about us. No matter what you say, I know we’re meant to be together.”

She shook her head. “I wish it were so.”

“It’s the truth. You’re one of the few people in all the community who know me—the real me. You aren’t put off by the way I look. By my big size or the limping. And I’ve gotten to know you, too, Elsie. And I have to say you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known. Maybe even more beautiful because you don’t think of yourself that way.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. How could he say these things—to think she was pretty when she had spent a lifetime trying to hide her ugly teeth. Born bowlegged, with six fingers on each hand. “I have been called a circus freak, Ruben. I know that the Almighty created me. My family has always loved me and my community has supported me. But I was always sure the goodwill ended there. I never expected to meet a man who truly loved me.”

“But I do,” Ruben said softly. “I love the small hands that have organized the Country Store into a marketplace that helps Amish folk sell their crafts. I love the voice that offers words of encouragement to everyone. I love the way you bring sunshine into a room with your smile and your bright enthusiasm.”

Elsie blinked back tears.
I love you, too
, she wanted to whisper. She wanted to call it from the highest hilltop … but she couldn’t. It would be wrong to promise something that was not meant to be.

“If you look different from other folks, that’s only because Gott changed the mold for you,” Ruben went on. “That’s what my mamm used to say, after I got scarred from the accident. Lots of folks fit the mold. It’s a special few that Gott stepped in and crafted by hand.”

Elsie bent her head down, unable to look at him anymore. He was kind and loving, and he deserved to find a girl who could be a good wife to him. “You are a good man, Ruben.” She would always love him, but right now, the loving thing to do was let him go.

“I’d better get back to the store.” She turned away from him, her best friend in the world, her only love.

“Elsie, wait.…”

“Good-bye, Ruben.” Her heart ached as she trudged across the parking lot, knowing that their wonderful time together was over.

It was the end of Ruben’s easy laugh and his strong, protective arms.

The end of a beautiful love.

47

H
aley had been so intent on watching Elsie and Ruben through the window, she had nearly lost focus on the very important conversation going on in the therapy session. And apparently, she wasn’t alone. When Elsie and Ruben didn’t return to the session, the members were concerned.

“Give them some space,” Dylan had told the group, sweeping one hand toward the door. “We’re going to move forward with the people who are here.”

Haley had stayed in her seat, despite the desire to bolt from her chair and inch closer to hear what was going on outside in the parking lot of the ice-cream shop. Elsie and Ruben had faced each other, talking, but from their body language, Haley had known it was not happy talk. Ruben had tossed away the coffee, then Elsie had started to cry. After a few minutes, Elsie had turned and walked across the parking lot, leaving Ruben to stare after her.