A Simple Faith: A Lancaster Crossroads Novel (39 page)

“If everything works out, if the paintings do sell, I’m hoping that I might eventually make enough to live on. If I can do that, if I can save some money, I’d like to move to a house in town. The chores of the farm are too distracting for me, and I never was one for milking the cows and mucking the stalls. A house in Halfway would be very nice.”

“That is good news.” Dylan felt grateful to Rachel for starting them off on a positive note. “Who else wants to share?”

“There’s baby Tom, born on Saturday.” Elsie positively glowed, as
if he were her own newborn. “Most everyone here has heard the news, but I’m bursting with happiness over the change in our house. Mother and baby are both doing fine. Fanny had high blood pressure when she was pregnant, but that’s gone now, so that worry is over. Gott has truly blessed us.”

“Congratulations.” It was one of the first times Dylan had seen smiles from everyone in the group. Even Graciana, who had joined them today with a heavy heart, managed a wistful smile. “There’s nothing like a newborn baby to remind us what really matters, is there?”

Elsie nodded. “We take turns holding him and rocking him. There’s something wonderful about being needed. Even the little ones enjoy caring for him. Beth is learning how to change diapers.”

At that, Graciana winced, blinking back tears. Dylan turned to her, his voice gentle. “Graciana, does it bring back memories for you?”

“When Clara was a baby …” She nodded, swiping one hand over her eyes. “She was my only one.”

Haley pushed the box of tissues across the table to her.

“Please, don’t be offended by my tears,” Graciana told Elsie. “I’m truly happy for you, and I wish your family many blessings.”

“It’s okay to cry.” Elsie reached across the table and touched her arm. “We’ve learned that here.”

“I guess I’m a little late to the game.” Graciana pressed a tissue to her eyes, and then took a deep, calming breath. “You might be wondering why I’m here, since I wasn’t even close to the scene of the accident. I wasn’t, but my daughter caused it.”

She pressed two fingers to her forehead, taking another pronounced breath. “It’s unforgivable, what she did. I’m angry with her, blazing mad, and at the same time I wish I could give her a big hug and smell the shampoo in her hair and remind her to go take
her senior photos for graduation. I want to ask her what she was doing that day on that highway so far from our home, when it was strictly forbidden. What was she doing texting on her phone when it was supposed to be put away in her purse until she turned off the car?

“These are all questions I have for my daughter. Things I want to ask her. But my Clara can’t answer, because she’s never coming home again. My Clara is gone. Forever. And this is one mistake her mom can’t undo for her.”

“Your anger is certainly justified,” Dylan said. “I’m wondering if you would feel differently if you learned that the accident was caused by something beyond Clara’s control. Say that the brakes failed, or there was ice on the road. Would you blame Clara then?”

Graciana’s lips puckered as she considered the question. “I guess I wouldn’t. No.”

“But the tragic circumstances would remain. Clara would be gone. One person dead in George’s van. Two seriously injured. You would be grieving the loss of your daughter and the other injuries caused by the crash. Can you separate your anger and simply allow yourself to grieve?”

“No,” she said quickly. “No, I can’t forgive her for doing something so stupid, so selfish. It’s unforgivable.”

“In our faith, there is always room for forgiveness.” Zed’s voice was even but firm, holding no judgment. “Gott wants us to forgive others because He forgives us. His love for us is great. It knows no boundaries … like the sky above. That’s how I think of His forgiveness. A big, blue sky that goes on forever.”

“That’s a beautiful image, but I think it’s different when your own child does something horrific like this. It’s an extension of you.” She looked around the table. “Does anyone here even have children?”

George lifted his hand. “Three sons, and I know what you mean. They do shame a parent when they do the wrong thing. But I think you’re being hard on Clara. Hard on yourself, too.”

“I feel like I could have changed all this if I’d done the right thing. If I’d been more strict with her, a better parent …”

“We can’t change the past, Graciana.” Dylan stepped in, wanting to keep the conversation moving forward. “As Rachel said, we have to let go of the things beyond our control.”

“I know it’s not always easy to forgive,” Elsie said. “But it’s Gott’s will. And if we don’t forgive, the bad feelings eat away at the soul. Anger is a heavy burden to carry around.”

“I can vouch for that.” Haley held up her hands, as if surrendering. “I’ve been walking around with a lot of anger and blame for people in my life. I’ve been mad at my parents for thinking that I was a failure. I was mad at my ex-fiancé for not being the right man for me. I was mad at my sisters for being the type of daughters my parents wanted, and …” She let out a sigh. “I’ve just been mad, mad, mad, and I blamed other people for the things that went wrong in my life.”

Dylan had to keep himself from smiling at her animated admission. There was something so lovable about Haley. She was human and fallible and quick to admit it all and laugh it off. She was sunshine and laughter and … He swallowed, reminding himself to stay on track. He was the therapist for this group.

“Somehow, the accident released me from the anger that was festering inside me. Not that I don’t still get mad now and then, but now I won’t let it stew. I’ll never forget that terrible night, or the way it shook my life up. But I’ve come away from it seeing how precious life is. I realized that I’d been wasting mine, spending too much energy worrying about qualities in myself that I couldn’t fix instead of focusing on the gifts God gave me. It’s been a hard road,
but I’m making my way. And now I’m glad the circumstances of my life have forced me to move on.”

Moving on …

As if looking at a timeline, Dylan saw the various stages of Haley’s progress over the past few months. She was thriving, despite all adversity.

And what about you, pal?

He was stuck in the muck, right around the same spot he’d been in three years ago when the wounds were still fresh and life choices could be put off until he’d had a chance to heal.

How many years had it been? How many years could a man coddle himself in healing mode?

Oh, he’d made a few halfhearted attempts to connect with people who weren’t his clients. There were all those movie dates set up by mutual friends who’d thought that he and the hapless female would be great together. He’d gone ice skating with a woman whose name he couldn’t remember. He’d attended holiday parties and Super Bowl gatherings and church picnics. But through it all, he’d maintained a safe emotional distance, watching the world from behind a wall of glass.

“You’ve all been very kind, but I’m not ready to move on.” Graciana stared down at the table. “And honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive my baby for being so stupid. I still have a lot of anger for Clara … and for the genius who invented cell phones in the first place.”

“If you will, I’d like to step out of my role of facilitator for just a moment and share something with you.” Dylan’s throat was tight and he felt a strong desire to crawl under the table and hide. But the voice inside him persisted. “Most of you don’t know my background, but I moved here from Philadelphia, where I used to live with my wife and daughter. They were killed a few years ago in a
collision on the interstate. It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, and they were headed up to Boston to be with my wife’s parents. I planned to fly up Thursday morning, so I could finish teaching my classes. I was a schoolteacher at the time.”

He swallowed, sensing their curious stares but not wanting to lose his courage. “For years, I blamed myself for not being there … for not taking the time to drive them that long distance. Our daughter, Angela, she was still a baby, pretty demanding, and Kris was the one who lost sleep to attend to her. Up late, out of bed early. Feeding her in the middle of the night. I kept thinking of the many ways that I could have saved them. I could have taken off from work to drive with them. We could have all flown up together. If Kris had the sleep she needed, if she’d been alert enough to have a better reaction time.” He rubbed his jaw. “The mind is good at coming up with a million ways to punish yourself.”

Tears sparkled in Graciana’s eyes as she nodded. “I can relate to that.”

“For myself, I have to admit that I’m still working my way through the healing process.” Dylan’s throat felt raw. Was his pain leaching into his voice? He had wanted to share his story as a lesson in healing, but in this moment he felt like the client, tapping the gusher of pain, fumbling to stanch the flow as the session began to wind down. “But I want to underline what Haley said today, because it’s a valuable message. Anger and blame and guilt will suck the life out of a person. When we learn to let go of those things, we can begin to heal.”

Elsie and Rachel were nodding in agreement.

“I know that sometimes healing doesn’t happen overnight. Letting go and moving on can be a process, and that’s why we’re here. To help each other.”

Graciana’s face hardened into a stoic frown. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s possible.”

“Don’t give up.” Elsie’s dark eyes glimmered with hope. “Gott’s love is as sure as the sun rising in the morning.”

“Elsie’s right.” Dylan caught Graciana with a firm look. “You need to have faith that healing is possible.”

The older woman turned pleading eyes toward Dylan. “I’ll do whatever you say, Doc. I do trust you.”

I hope your trust is not misplaced
, Dylan thought, knowing it was time to wrap up their session. “Here’s something we can try. For our next meeting, I would like everyone here to bring in photos or small objects that remind you of someone you lost. Graciana, it would help if you brought pictures of Clara and some things that she loved so that everyone here can get to know what she was like.”

It would also serve to get Graciana talking about her daughter’s positive qualities. Maybe it would help her own the compassion she felt toward Clara.

And maybe it was selfish, but the exercise would help him, too. Maybe it was time to start talking more about the past to free up the future.

43

W
hen the therapy session ended, Haley walked out with Elsie and Ruben, who said good-bye and headed off in different directions. Ruben’s father had ordered him back to Zook’s barn, and though no one had mentioned it, it was clear that Ruben and Elsie were not happy with the new situation.

Left on her own with a lump in her throat, Haley crossed the parking lot to the picnic tables behind the ice-cream parlor. Someone had cleared the snow from the wooden tables, and she climbed up and took a seat atop one. In the summer, this parking lot would be abuzz with cars and buggies. Couples and families would sit back here, enjoying the sweet frozen treats advertised by giant photos in the building’s windows.

Banana Split!

Hot Fudge Sundae!

Strawberry Parfait!

When she was a little kid, Haley had imagined herself sitting
back here as an adult, finally able to order the big ice-cream treats. Finally, a big girl. A teenager. A woman.

But independence wasn’t nearly as sweet as a sundae. In fact, the more she learned, the more she tasted the bittersweet in situations. Life was a contrast of sweet and sour, darkness and light.

The miracle of Fanny’s newborn baby against the tragic reality that he would never know his father.

The beautiful connection between Ruben and Elsie against the sad fact that Elsie could not allow herself to be his wife.

The glory of finally falling in love against the irony that the man who held her heart was haunted by another life.

A chill wind snapped around her, but she had left her jacket inside and she wasn’t going to go in there until Dylan was gone. She hunkered down and squeezed her eyes shut against tears.

The meeting had been cathartic for her. Articulating her journey since the accident had helped to gel her own issues.