A Note in the Margin (5 page)

John gave him a small smile even though David hadn’t raised his eyes above the bag and fished a couple of fresh towels out of a nearby cardboard box efficiently labeled “linen closet”.

David took the offered towels and ran his fingers lightly along the soft loops of the fabric. Eventually he looked up at John and quietly asked, “Would it be okay if I have a bath?”

“Of course it’s okay.” John’s smile broadened and he motioned toward the bathroom.

John let out a relieved breath when he heard the bath taps running and went to retrieve bedclothes from the relevant box in his room to make up a bed for David on the couch.

Once the bath began to fill, David carefully took the items out of the bag and placed them neatly on the small counter next to the sink. He then started removing the layers of dirty clothing, pausing only to check that the door was still locked. David finally stood naked in front of the mirror and stared at his reflection. Both disgust and despair filled him at what he saw.
How could you think John would want anything from you?
He’d avoided looking at himself for so long he hardly recognized the person looking back.

David raised a hand to his face as if to convince himself of its reality. He closed his eyes against the image, fighting the urge to haul his clothes back on and walk out of the apartment.

It took David several minutes before he’d convinced himself to open his eyes. This time he resolutely met his own gaze before rummaging through the hastily filled bathroom drawers until he found a pair of nail scissors and began to methodically cut some of the matted knots from his hair. By the time the bath was full he’d finished on his hair and rubbed a hand over his beard.

After making up the bed on the couch, John carefully sat on it to test its comfort, despite the fact they’d been sprawled on it most of the evening. Being alone with David made him nervous. He wasn’t afraid he’d wake up with his things stolen or anything; it was more the small but insistent flutter that had started low in his belly. He stood up and smoothed his hand over the blanket, straightening out the creases he’d just made. Satisfied with the result, he looked through his neatly folded clothes until he found track pants and a long sleeved T-shirt that might fit David.

When he heard the water gurgling down the drain, John waited a few minutes, then knocked on the door and called through the wood, “I have some clothes for you to sleep in. I’ll just leave them by the door.” John turned away and wandered into the kitchen, not that he had anything to do in there, but to give David a chance to retrieve the clothes. For want of something to do he started to organize the cutlery in the kitchen drawers until he heard the bathroom door open and close for a second time.

John felt strangely apprehensive about returning to the living room but with a deep breath he braced himself and pushed the kitchen door open. David was still standing next to the bathroom.

John had had every intention to ask David if he wanted a drink, but the words seemed to dry up in his mouth when he saw the other man. The old clothes hung a little too big on him, his hair was still damp, and he was clean shaven.

Beautiful.

John kept his eyes on David but waved his arm toward the makeshift bed. “I… I hope the couch is okay. You should be warm enough, but if you need another blanket I’ve put them in the closet in my room. Do you want me to get one? I can leave it here for you.”

David walked to the couch and sat down. “This is good,” he answered quietly, looking directly at John. “Thank you.”

John was flustered. “Good, good…. Look, I have a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt I used to use for gardening; don’t get much chance to use them anymore. Give me your things and I’ll get them cleaned.”

“It’s okay, John; you don’t have to do that.” David frowned slightly at John’s reaction to him.

John finally smiled. “Don’t be daft,” he said in a more relaxed voice now he had a purpose, and went into the bathroom. David’s clothes were folded on the bathroom floor. He picked up a pair of old jeans and two tattered T-shirts. He left the jacket hanging on the back of the door. Not much he could do with that because he had nothing suitable to replace it. John frowned when he realized that there were no socks or underwear. He put the clothes in a plastic bag and then in his laundry hamper. As he walked through to the bedroom to find his “gardening” clothes, he could see David hadn’t moved but was sitting watching his hand as it slid thoughtfully over the white pillowcase.

He put the change of clothes on the coffee table in front of David. “Here. These will do for tomorrow.”

John could see the muscle in David’s jaw tighten as he obviously fought for a reply; finally he just looked from the clothes to John and said, “Thank you.”

“I… I couldn’t find your underwear?” John asked and then gave himself a mental kick at the look of shame that crossed David’s face. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to pry,” he quietly apologized and started to walk away.

“I
had
underwear,” David murmured. John stopped and turned back to sit on the coffee table in front of David. “It’s hard to keep stuff clean after a while. The water is so cold in winter. Nowhere really to wash. I had to throw them out.”

John looked down at his hands; it must have taken David a lot of courage to admit that to him. When he looked up he had to know. “What happened, David? Why do you live like this?”

David sat for a while, also watching John’s hands. His gaze turned to his own. He’d washed them, scrubbed them in the bath, but he couldn’t rid himself of the ingrained dirt. They still weren’t as clean as John’s. He swallowed hard and looked away. “I was clean at the start, John, and I tried so hard to stay clean, but weeks became months and… and I just got dirty. I wanted a shower, but the line was always so long or by the time I’d get in the hot water was gone. You never seem to get properly clean in a cold shower, do you?”

The words had come out in a rush and then just trailed off. John’s chest ached as he listened. They didn’t answer his question, but that didn’t matter. He hoped David would talk to him when he was ready. As out of character as it was, John wanted to put his arm around David and tell him it would be all right, but the touch may not be welcomed and he also knew it would be a lie. Instead, he took a breath and said, “You’re always welcome to come here. I mean, if you need a bath or to wash your clothes.”

David chewed on his bottom lip and blinked several times before he could answer, and even then he could only manage a small nod. John’s discomfort increased with David’s response so he quickly stood up and said, “Well, we better get some sleep because I know we’re going to face a barrage of questions from Jamie in the morning. Good night, David.”

The mention of Jamie brought a small smile to David’s lips and he replied, “Good night, John.”

David waited until John closed his bedroom door before he settled down under the covers of the makeshift bed. John’s clothes were clean and soft against his skin. Even though they’d obviously been laundered, they smelled vaguely of their owner. David turned onto his side and pulled the blanket up over his shoulders. He was clean, warm, and felt safer than he had for a long time.

Although sleep came swiftly for David, John found it difficult to settle. He lay in his bed and thought through the events of the past couple of days. So different from what he’d expected. The store was okay; actually, he had to admit he was almost enjoying being a storekeeper. Sex with Jamie had been great and something of an unexpected bonus, but more importantly he was turning out to be a good friend. So why was he still lying awake with his mind racing?
David….

With a frustrated groan, John sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. He rested his forearms on his thighs and looked at the window. With a long sigh he stood up and moved over to the curtains, parting them slightly. The street below looked cold and wet. John leaned against the window frame and allowed his mind to imagine life on the other side of the glass; a life that didn’t include the security of a warm bed at the end of each day. He was relieved that David had come home with him tonight, but knew he’d be back out there tomorrow. John turned away from the window and reached for his cigarettes.
Shit!
The packet was empty. Walking over to the closed door, he debated crossing the living room to get the fresh pack from his jacket pocket. His hand hovered over the doorknob before gripping and turning it.

John tried to keep his steps quiet when he passed near the couch and stretched his hand out to retrieve his jacket from the back of the chair. He could hear David’s steady breathing and knew from its soft regularity that David was asleep. John looked down and could just make out David’s feature in the dim light of the room. His arm was curled around the pillow, his hand resting gently against his face. His lips were parted and each breath ruffled the stray hairs nearby. John felt himself flush when he had to fight the temptation to brush his fingers over the fine hair and push it back off David’s face. The same hair that had disgusted him merely days ago. John shook his head, turned his back to the couch, and made his way back to bed.

The
pale light had barely managed to illuminate John’s room when he opened his eyes. He blinked until the sleep haze dissipated and he was able to focus on the nearby clock to see he’d woken about half an hour before the alarm was due to sound. It took him a few moments to adjust to the unfamiliar surroundings of his new bedroom, but then his thoughts instantly turned to the man in the other room. John felt a low heat in his stomach at the thought of David in his clothes, on his couch. Rubbing a hand over his eyes, he banished the nagging ache in his body.
Oh, don’t even go there, McCann!

He ignored the fact he was half-hard, told himself it was morning and had nothing to do with David, and swung his legs over the side of the bed. “I’ll make him breakfast, then send him on his way,” John muttered as he pulled on clean jeans and made his way into the living room, contemplating whether or not to splurge on a big fry-up breakfast and if the nearby market would have decent bacon. His thoughts stopped short when he approached the couch. The blankets were neatly folded next to the stacked pillows; David was gone. John didn’t even consider that he might simply be in the bathroom because he could see one of David’s drawings sitting on the coffee table.

John hated to admit it but he was disappointed that David had taken off before he had a chance to talk to him, spend some time with him. He thought David had started to trust him a little last night and though he loathed admitting it, David’s trust was becoming important to him.

Picking up the drawing, John sat heavily on the couch. It was a near perfect rendering of himself and Jamie; they were both laughing. John let his fingertips lightly touch the broad smile of his portrait, careful not to smudge the fine pencil work, and wondered if that was how he looked to David. He slumped back and sank into the soft cushions.
What would it take to see David laugh like that?
He let out a heavy breath and put the sketch back on the table.

Jamie
entered the store with a huge grin, sidled up to John, and asked, “Well?”

John knew what he meant, but tried to ignore Jamie’s implications with an almost aggressive “What?”

Jamie rolled his eyes. “Did David stay over? Where is he?”

“Yes, he stayed over, and he left before I got up,” John replied abruptly, not really wanting to discuss this.

Jamie was tempted to make a comment about John’s rapid exit from his bedroom the night before last, but decided not to push his luck. Instead he simply asked, “Things go okay?”

“
Things
went fine, Jamie. Now can we get some work done?” John turned away to reinforce the fact that the conversation was over.

Jamie looked at the back of John’s head and grinned with the knowledge that David was definitely starting to get to his boss.

John spent the morning on edge, his anxiety building with each person who entered the store that
wasn’t
David. He knew the time David usually wandered in, but that didn’t stop him from looking from the first customer of the morning.

Finally David pushed the door open. The change in his appearance still took John’s breath away.

David hesitated as he passed the counter. He wanted to thank John. There was so much he wanted to say to him, but he still couldn’t quite find his voice. Instead he reminded himself that John was just a kind man who had taken pity on him.
That’s all it could be… nothing else.

John watched him hesitate and almost stop as if he wanted to say something, and
he
desperately wanted to hear David. So John just stood and waited with his fingers clenched around a now very crumpled invoice.

The moment was instantly broken with a loud cry of “David!” Jamie ran out of the kitchen and threw his arms around him. “See, I told you you’re beautiful,” Jamie whispered as he embraced him impossibly tighter. David attempted an indulgent smile and tentatively let one of his arms encircle Jamie’s shoulder.

John chuckled at the pained expression on David’s face. “Come on, lad; give him some breathing room.”

Jamie loosened his grip, beamed at John, and grabbed David’s hand. “We just got a whole new bunch of secondhand books. I pulled out a few I thought you might like. They’re next to your chair. There’s even a
whole
trilogy. Usually we just get the third book in a series, which is a real pisser, but we got them all this time….” Jamie proceeded to drag David to his section of the store where John could still hear him babbling happily about books with the occasional
Man, you look good
thrown in.

When a new customer approached the desk, John realized he was still looking toward the secondhand book section with a broad grin on his face. He knew he felt better today than he had in a long time.

The
day was a fairly busy one, with visits from both the local book club
and
the aged pensioners to contend with, but John was pleased with the distraction. Plus, it meant that Jamie’s attention was elsewhere, allowing both him and David some much needed peace and quiet.

When the string of customers waned John stretched and heard his neck give that satisfying crack. He looked at the clock; it was already four and definitely time for a break. Three mugs of tea were soon made and he carried them carefully out to the front counter where he managed to catch Jamie’s eye and nodded down to his steaming brew. Without a word, he picked up the other two mugs and walked to the back of the store.

David was sitting in his usual position, legs curled beneath him and head bowed as he read. When John approached he sat up straighter and took the mug with a smile that said “Thank you.”

Taking the seat beside him, John sighed. “I don’t know what’s got into Jamie today, but he’s driving me mad.”

To John’s surprise David actually gave a low chuckle and shrugged. “He’s just happy, I guess.”

John shook his head and laughed. Neither spoke for a moment, but this time the silence was not strained. Both men sat and sipped at the too-hot tea, comfortable in each other’s company until John looked up and said, “Thank you for the picture. It’s really beautiful.”

David gave a slight smile and replied very quietly, “You looked good together.”

You looked good together.
John frowned. It bothered him that David thought he and Jamie were a couple. “We’re
not
… um,
together.
It’s nothing like that.”

“I know, John,” David murmured, looking at John to see if he should continue. “But I could see last night that you were….” David sighed, not sure how to put into words what he saw in their friendship. “You already care about each other.”

“Care about that brat? I hardly even know him,” John joked, feeling very relieved. “Actually he doesn’t give you much option, does he?”

David smiled and shook his head. “He has a good heart.” His expression became more serious as he looked down at the mug. “And so do you. Thank you, John. Thank you for finding me last night and letting me stay.”

John swallowed hard. He wanted to reach over and touch David, to let him know it was okay. It always seemed so easy for Jamie, but he held back. “Any time, David. I meant that,” John muttered quietly. He felt the need to lighten the mood and relieve his sudden discomfort. “Although you did miss out on the perfectly good breakfast I’d planned to make.”

“You were good to me. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable with me still there this morning.”

The temptation to lie was strong and John was about to protest that he hadn’t felt awkward about David’s
presence in his new home when he heard a female voice calling from the front of the store.

“Well, McCann, stop hiding in the back. I can smell that god-awful cologne of yours so I know you’re there.”

It was obvious that John recognized the voice. He looked at David, unsure of what to say, so he simply excused himself and made his way to the counter.

“So this is what you’ve come down to.” Marian laughed when she saw John approaching. She was of medium height and slight build with short wavy hair that was almost strawberry blonde, but not quite. She could have been pretty, but instead she looked “efficient”.

John gave her a hug and laughed. “Bloody hell. You don’t see me for a couple of months and the first thing you do is give me a hard time.”

“I’m sure I can make up for it tonight after dinner.”

“You haven’t changed, Marian. Still making assumptions that you’ll always get what you want.”

“I
do
always get what I want, and tonight that’s you! Come on, McCann. Get your assistant to lock up. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

John cringed at the term “assistant,” but still called to Jamie, who was pretending not to watch them from the kitchen. “Can you lock up for me, Jamie? Thanks.”

He left without waiting for a reply.

David sat in the chair listening to the exchange. He heard how easily they flirted with each other before leaving together… and he knew he’d been kidding himself yet again.

He put his mug on the floor next to where John had left his. He closed his eyes and rubbed a hand wearily over them, reminding himself of what a fucking fool he was.

After John had gone David heard Jamie sit in the chair beside him. He didn’t open his eyes when Jamie asked him if he was okay and flinched away from Jamie’s hand on his hair.

Dinner
was an easy mix of catching up on shared friends and bitching about work colleagues. Marian filled John in on the progress, or lack of progress, in his division and who was doing whom on staff. They talked about her recent trip to London and her plans to stay in town for the next few months. However, for some reason, John was reluctant to discuss Margins. Marian acknowledged John’s reasons for “opting out” for a year, but seemed totally unwilling to understand that the little store could actually be anything other than a minor short-term distraction.

It was late by the time they’d drained their last cups of coffee and John wrapped his arm protectively around Marian as they walked back to the car through the park. He was relieved that dinner had gone well and they’d quickly fallen into their old routine of arguing over whose apartment they would end up in. John knew it was all power play between them but enjoyed the familiarity of it.

He’d just managed to sway her into “slumming it” at his place when John noticed her looking toward the nearby public toilet block.

“That is disgusting,” she hissed.

John followed her line of sight and saw a man in a cheap suit obviously paying for a quick fuck or blow job. He curled his lip at the scene and was about to echo Marian’s sentiments when his eyes rested on the sleeve of the man taking the money. Just below the frayed jacket cuff he could make out green flannel. It was his shirt. John stopped midstride and watched, horrified, as a man pushed money into David’s hand. As his fingers closed around the note, David glanced over and saw John.

With eyes wide, David suddenly felt like all the air had been squeezed out of his lungs. John could read the shame on the other man’s face, but all he felt was anger. He clenched his teeth and glared.

David’s stomach cramped as John’s disgust rolled over him. He wanted to throw the money back at the man and go to John, but that wasn’t real…. It didn’t happen that way. He was paralyzed, pinned by John’s eyes until the man grew impatient and gave David a brutal shove toward the toilet block.

Marian looked curiously at John and asked, “Do you know him?”

John looked away from the scene and spat out, “Why the fuck would I know someone like that?” He grabbed her by the arm and stormed to the park exit.

Jamie
figured out pretty quickly that things did not go as planned on John’s date although he knew better than to ask. John was in a
filthy
mood. Instead, to avoid John’s wrath, he sequestered himself away in the back room where he could unpack and check the latest shipment of school booklists.

David hovered around the front of the store, trying to find the courage to open the door. He’d almost decided not to go in, but knew his regular routine was the only thing that kept him on track, kept him together. He knew he
needed
to spend the day in his chair in the little store despite the risk of John’s condemnation. David closed his eyes briefly, pushed the door open, and hoped that Jamie would be at the counter. The doorbell was too loud today and set his nerves jangling. His breathing quickened as he looked at the counter and saw John.

John looked up at the same moment.

David desperately wanted to turn around and leave or put his head down and make it past the counter, but his sketchbook was full. He
had
to have a new one before he could hide in his chair.

John watched as he walked slowly toward the counter. David slipped his hand into his jacket pocket and slid a crumpled twenty onto the counter. His hesitant request for a new sketchbook was barely audible.