A Life More Complete (22 page)

There are pictures of the three of
us, Micah, Tyler and me, with genuine smiles, all of us together on the beach
and in front of our house. I recall him setting the timer on the camera and
running to join us. But the pictures that make my heart ache are the ones
showing Tyler and me. Micah took pictures I never knew existed. Pictures showing
Tyler’s arms around my waist, my head on his chest, with him kissing my hair, another
one depicting the two of us asleep in our bed with Tyler pressed close against
my body, my curly hair laid out over the pillow. And one of my favorites, the
one that makes me cry harder than I ever thought possible. When I turn the
picture over there is a note jotted on the back from one of Micah’s professors,
it says, “I have never seen someone capture love and anguish the way you did in
this picture.” I was on the verge of tears in the picture with Tyler standing
in front of me. His hand on one side of my face and his lips pressed gently
against my forehead. My mouth was turned down and my eyes closed, my arms down
at my side. I looked lonely, but Tyler looked so deeply hurt I could almost see
his heartbreaking. The picture spoke volumes about our relationship. Micah was
able to tell our tale without using a single word.

I grab my phone and call Tyler. It’s
late, but there is no way I can wait to talk to him. When he answers all I can
do is sob into the phone. I can hear myself sucking in a breath and the ragged
way I exhale as the tears fall. Any doubts I had about marrying Tyler vanish
instantly. I know from this moment on I will never be able to live without him.
I need him in a way that is obsessive and needy.

“Shh, baby. Don’t cry.” I hear Tyler
say in a voice that’s hoarse and choked. “I kept those for seven years. I moved
them everywhere with me. I never thought I’d see the day when I could share
them with you.”

“Ty... I need you.” I manage to choke
out through sobs. “I love you.”

“I know, baby. I love you, too. So
much it hurts. Is your laptop on?” he asks. I grab it from the bag and turn it
on. “Skype me, I need to see your beautiful face.”

By the time we connect up I’ve
stopped crying. We talk about the pictures and I show him my favorites. He can
recall the details of almost every picture, which brings him to admit he looked
at them so frequently, even on the night before he married Charlotte.

“I miss you. It’s two in the morning
here and I can’t sleep. How about you strip for me? I think it’ll help me
sleep.” He smiles suggestively.

“Sorry, but you’ll just have to wait
for the live version tomorrow night and not the live for television version you
have right now. I’m exhausted, so I’m going to bed...in just my underwear.” I
wink at him and he falls back onto the bed covered in marshmallow white, fluffy
pillows.

“You’re a tease and you know it. I
love you. Good night, kid.”

“Good night, Tyler. I love you, too. Oh
wait,” I say and he stares directly at me and I flash him my boobs and close
the computer with a huge grin on my face.

           
There
is no turning back now. I feel for Tyler what I always did, I dream of our life
together, our wedding, our kids, and our beautiful home. I’ve hurt him before
and he has hurt me, we wronged each other, we were broken and humiliated, angry
and devastated, but it doesn’t matter anymore. He’s changed; time has a way of
rearranging things and I, too have changed. I will simply live and be grateful
for what we have together.

The week flies by and Tyler finds and
leases an office space to begin the transition of moving his office from
Chicago. One of the guys who owns the practice with him arrives with his
family, his wife and two adorable kids, and he falls in right along with Tyler,
the two of them ordering office furniture and hiring an administrative
assistant. They both land several cases in addition to Trini’s within days of
opening the new office. Tyler joked with me that it was easy to find rich
people who screw their lives up. L.A is full of them and they flocked to Tyler.

I finally decided to let Gia know
about the sudden change in my relationship status. I had been avoiding it
because sometimes she’s too honest and I wasn’t entirely sure I could handle
it. Although, the conversation was generally calm, I could hear the worry in
her voice. She doesn’t want me to get hurt again and I understand her concern,
but I need to move on with my life. Before she hung up she said, “You do need
to move on, but are you moving in the right direction?” Without giving it a
second thought, I answered with an immediate, “yes”.

I flew all over the country this week
and was finally back in my own bed on Friday night. In all our phone calls and
Skype sessions Tyler never once mentioned my demanding job or how annoying it
was that I was gone. Of course he said he missed me and that he loved me, but
somehow without him saying it I knew he understood my job. He finally met Trini
on Tuesday and he admitted he did like her and that she’s funny and sweet. His
voice sounded the way anyone’s does when they speak about her. Sorry and
remorseful for what she endures. The best news of the week is that Trini stayed
out of trouble. She is laying low and the media frenzy surrounding her has
slowed.

I crawl into bed with Tyler on Friday
night and my body aches from cramped airplane seats, office chairs and high
heels. My sister’s wedding is tomorrow and the thought of seeing not only her
but Maizey too makes me smile. The room is dark and I roll over and whisper to
Tyler, “I love you.” He says nothing, but his heavy lidded eyes soothe me. He
runs his hands over my body, but never says a word as he climbs on top of me.
He makes love to me and I’m sated and calm, the ache of my travels leave my
body as I fall asleep in Tyler’s arms.

The next morning I convince Tyler to
take my car so we can drive with the top down to Rachel’s wedding. He tosses
our bags in the trunk and climbs into the drivers seat. I lean over and kiss
him as we back out of the driveway.

“Thanks for coming with me,” I say. “It
would have been lonely without you. I think Rachel and Maizey will be excited
to see you.”

We leave early and take the 101 up
through Santa Barbara. Even though it will add to the ride, it is well worth
it. We had made this drive once before when we went to San Luis Obispo and
Morro Bay for a weekend when Tyler and I had first gotten back together in
college. I loved the view and how the 101 ran along the ocean for most of the
ride. It was one of the best weekends of my life.

“That weekend was when I thought we
still had a chance,” Tyler says.

“We always had a chance. We just
needed a break. This is much better than it would’ve been if we weathered that
hurricane together. It was bad toward the end. Really bad.”

“It was, but it didn’t mean it didn’t
hurt any less.” I reach over and take his hand, my fingers entwined with his as
he runs his finger over my ring.

“I thought we still had a chance when
you came back from a fundraiser that you went to with that girl named Chelsea. Remember
her?” He nods. “You came back and got in bed with me and told me to never make
you go to one of your mom’s events without me. I thought then that you might
tell me you loved me.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember that. She
barfed in the parking lot and my mom was so pissed.” He laughs. “You always were
a much better date. You played perfect like I’ve never seen. And just so you
know, I wanted to tell you I loved you, but it was all wrong. We were so far
gone at that point. You were so bitter and me so, I don’t know, fucked up, that
I felt like you would have laughed at me. We were so angry at each other. It
would have seemed insincere.”

All I can do is hold his hand and
reassure him that this time it will be different. We drive with only the sound
of the wind blowing through the car. The mountains on one side, the ocean on
the other making the ride look like a postcard. I point out where you can see
the Channel Islands, the view of rolling, blue waves, and bright green palm
trees. A wreck of pelicans dive into the water with such force that I imagine
they won’t ever resurface. The view is strikingly beautiful. The kind of view
that stops your heart and makes you wonder if there is anything ever truly this
breathtakingly gorgeous. I want to dive the Islands someday.

“Do you still have your wetsuit,” he
asks. “The water is far too cold to dive without one and we both would need to
take a few courses before we could even consider it. I don’t know about you,
but I haven’t been since we took that trip to the Keys, like ten years ago.”

“My certification is current, but I
need a new wetsuit. It’s old and if I’m being honest with myself, far too
small.” Tyler laughs at me. “I can’t believe you haven’t been since the Keys. I
try to go at least once a year, some years more than that. I love it.”

“You don’t go alone, do you?” he asks
willfully. He almost sounds disgusted and I can’t tell if it’s because he is
picturing me alone or if he’s picturing me with someone else.

“I used to go with Ben, my ex. He was
a good friend before we started dating and we’d go a lot. He enjoyed it, too.”

Ben and I took more trips down the
coast to the Baja peninsula than I can remember. We’d scuba the Sea of Cortez
frequenting Cabo San Lucas Bay and La Paz down near the Mexican border. We had
our favorite places and the tropical fish were unreal, it was like swimming in
a fish tank. Out near Cabo Pulmo National Marine Park we dove for hours looking
for a tuna boat that sunk in the ‘80’s and found that nature had taken over, as
it became an artificial surrounding to the marine life. Sometimes we would just
do a day trip and other times we’d stay in quaint beach bungalows with no air
conditioning and let the ocean breeze lull us to sleep. The diving was the best
during the late fall, so we used to head up there around Thanksgiving and dive
for hours. I once read that Jacques Cousteau called the Sea of Cortez, the
aquarium of the world. That was enough for Ben.

As Ben floods my thoughts and all the
wonderful times I had with him, I push them away knowing that part of my life is
over and even if it was feasibly possible to get Ben to take me back it would have
only ended, again.

When I look over at Tyler his face is
severe and cold. He pulls his hand from mine and places it back on the steering
wheel. The silence is deafening and awkward. The look on his face stirs
emotions in me that are rarely present. It builds into a fury and festers as I
contemplate how I should respond. The old me would have apologized and gone on
and on about how wonderful he is, but I’m done being the meek pushover that he
once knew. I’m done sweeping the hostility and resentment under the rug and I’m
totally done running from any type of confrontation and acting like the
problems don’t exist.

“Tyler, if you’re going to become all
indignant every time I mention something that occurred in my life while you
were off living yours, we will be done. I’m not going to hide the fact that I
fell in love with someone else. It is what it is. Get over it.” I huff and turn
to look out the window. “Also, it’s completely preposterous for you to assume
that I went on living my life waiting for you. It is ridiculous,” I mumble
under my breath.

Tyler doesn’t respond, his eyes
trained on the road ahead. I refuse to give into his childish behavior and
acknowledge him. We drive for a few more hours in complete and utter silence. I
guess he forgot how stubborn I could really be, especially when the argument at
hand is unreasonable.

I remain silent as we pull into the
parking lot of Carmel Lodge. I climb out of the car leaving Tyler standing
there dumbfounded. At least the working part of his brain tells him to grab the
bags and follow me inside. I check in and stalk off to the room with Tyler
following a perfectly safe distance behind. We are both adults and I know I should
probably know better than to hold a grudge about something so trivial, but I
don’t care. He should know better than to have unrealistic expectations about my
past life. Before I would have caved, apologized just to keep the peace. But I’m
not the same person I was back then and I won’t be forced to be someone I’m
not.

I strip my clothes and climb into the
shower. Rachel booked us a beautiful cottage overlooking the ocean and even
though she agreed to pay for it, I won’t allow it. The wedding is set to take
place at dusk and the reception to follow, so I have plenty of time to get
ready. I stay longer in the shower than necessary trying to come up with a
solution to the standoff, when I realize my body is the one thing that Tyler
can’t resist. Putting an end to this suddenly became as simple as a bra and
underwear.

I quickly grab a black sheer lace
demi bra and very tiny matching low-rise underwear from my suitcase. I slip
into them and saunter my way out into the living room where I find Tyler sitting
on the couch, his eyes focused on the television. I stop directly in front of
him with a smirk on my face, yet somehow he remains completely steadfast. I
lick my lips slowly and wait. He closes his eyes deliberately and stands. I
know I have him as he walks over to me and circles me in his arms.

“I win,” I whisper in his ear. His
hands cup my behind and he lifts me up. My legs wrap around his waist as he
carries me into the bedroom. The smile on my face is huge.