A Life More Complete (17 page)

“Oh my God, it’s him!” she screams
into the phone.

“No, it’s not.” But as I open the
door, she is proved correct. “Mel, gotta go. Call you later.”

“You bitch! You better be in bed...”
I hear her yell as I hang up.

I can feel everything in my body
tingle. I hate how weak I feel around him. He stands in my doorway smiling and
he looks so good. “Can I come in?” he asks.

“You just left,” I say, confused. I
step aside and he enters, standing in the hallway that leads to my kitchen.

“I forgot to tell you something,” he
says as he makes his way into the kitchen. He pulls a chair out and sits down.

“Okay. You want a beer?” This is more
for me than it is for him. I feel like a drink might make this go a little
easier. I have an uneasy feeling and judging by the look on his face he is
unsure of what he is about to tell me.

“Sure.” I pull two beers from the
fridge and hand one to him. I sit down in the chair across from him as he takes
a long drink and I follow suit. “I wasn’t totally honest with you on why my
marriage ended and I feel like I should be. I’ve lied to you so many times in
the past and I know now what I did to you was wrong on so many levels.” He
takes a deep breath before he begins to speak. “I’ll start with an apology. I’m
sorry for all the times I hurt you in the past. I was a terrible person and
when I finally lost you it was so hard on me. Harder than I ever thought it
would be. I ended up with Charlotte because I was trying to get over you. I
married her because I was trying to replace you. My marriage ended long before
it even began. I loved you more than I ever loved Charlotte and she knew it. You
can only lie to yourself for so long.” He takes another long swallow of his
beer and sighs. “I’ve been driving around for the last twenty minutes trying to
figure out what to say to you, but it really came out much less graceful than I
imagined in my head.” He smiles at me shyly as I sit there stunned. “Say
something, anything. Tell me you hate me, whatever. I just need you to say
something.” His voice is uneasy and it quivers just a little.

“I don’t hate you.” I finally say and
he sighs with relief. “I could never hate you. It’s just hard. I don’t know
what to say. We have history, that should mean something, but we also have a
lot of hurt and even more baggage than any one person should have. We were a
mess then and we’re still a mess now.”

“Do you love me?” he asks, a bold
statement even for Tyler.

“I can’t answer that.”

“Can’t or won’t. They’re two
different things. Can’t meaning you really just don’t know or won’t meaning you
have feelings you won’t admit to.”

“Both.” I say as I pull my ponytail
out and readjust it to sit on top of my head in a messy bun. “Why did you leave
like that?” I blurt out. “Why’d you walk out on me?” I can feel the tears pool
in my eyes and I fight them back.

“You cheated on me with my best
friend.” When his words hit me, it feels like I’ve been slapped across the
face. The choice I made all those years ago is still so vivid in my mind. It
was a decision that was based on desperation and revenge and spite, but when my
thoughts cleared the guilt ate me alive. In this moment I become defensive,
angry, I feel a thickness forming in my throat. I need to defend myself.

“You cheated on me with everyone,” I
counter and I can see the anger building within him. We’ve never talked about
that night. Clearly today is probably not the best time to rehash the past. The
hurt is still very much alive. I’ve always been a sweep-it-under-the-rug kind
of person. I like to ignore my personal problems because that way they’ll maybe
go away on their own.

“So that’s what it was? An eye for an
eye? I trusted you!” he screams. “You were the one person who wasn’t suppose to
hurt me. I couldn’t even fucking look at you.”

“You trusted me? Are you fucking
kidding me? What about you? I trusted you and look where it got me,” I scream
back as I push away from the table. He walks over and stands in front of me. Tyler’s
jaw is clenched and his hands ball into fists as our eyes meet for a split
second. I can feel the resentment growing as we stand only inches apart. Never
in my life have I feared Tyler, but tonight I do. The anger on both our parts
is so raw, so palpable.

“You cheated on me with my best
friend. It can’t get much worse than that,” he says.

“You’re seriously going to argue
logistics and compare what I did to you with what you did to me? You gave me
chlamydia, Tyler! You gave me an STD because you slept with so many fucking
women and I was dumb enough to have sex with you after it all. Shame on me for
being such a fucking fool!” I’m fuming, both of us are breathing heavily. I
realize I’m the one who opened this can of worms. It was good until I brought
it up. It wasn’t supposed to turn into an argument, yet here we are screaming
at each other in my kitchen. We could’ve carried on without ever mentioning the
past. I take a deep breath as I walk to my front door.

“You need to go. There’s a reason we’ve
spent the last seven years apart. My life is good and you’re not going to come
in here and ruin it like you did all those other times. I won’t let you bring
me down. I’m a different person and it’s obvious that you haven’t changed at
all. It’s time for you to leave,” I say as I stand at the front door. Tyler
stays firmly rooted where he stands. “Seriously Tyler, get out.”

“I’m not leaving. I didn’t come here
to argue with you,” he says as I interrupt.

“What do you want?” I yell raising my
eyebrows and throwing my hands up. I try to gain control of my wild emotions as
I begin to chew on my lip. I place my hand on the doorknob and that exact
moment Tyler stalks over, his hand clamping firmly around my wrist. My teeth
bite down hard onto my bottom lip and my eyes close. His touch sends my mind
into a tailspin. I stop breathing and all I can hear is the sound of my
heartbeat pulsing through my ears.

In seconds my arms are above my head,
my back forced up against the door. Tyler’s hand is locked tightly around my
wrists as he pins me with the weight of his body. His lips claim mine and a deep
thrust of air leaves my mouth. He uses this moment to run his tongue along the
teeth marks on my lip making me lightheaded. His tongue slips into my mouth,
taking over and I return the kiss. He pulls my body against his and I begin to
relax. My body melts around him, as I press against his leg in a way that can
only be described as desperate. He trails a series of soft kisses along my jaw
and when he reaches my ear he whispers, “I want you.”

“I’m not yours anymore.” My voice is
weak and I’m not surprised by the conflict I hear in it.

“But you want to be,” he replies
smiling wickedly. I breathe in and out in rapid succession, three quick
breaths. All control is gone.

I shake my head, trying to clear it
as he takes ahold of my wrist. Leaning in closely his lips brush my cheek and a
burn takes over, pooling in my stomach. I swallow hard when his hushed voice
spreads into my ear, “Good night, Krissy.” He rubs against me as he walks out
the door.

My mouth falls open and I can barely
speak. My thoughts are scrambled and I struggle to find the words I need to
say. The words I so desperately need to leave my mouth, the ones that will make
him stay. I don’t want him to walk away, not like this.

My legs finally move, yet my voice
stays silent. Tyler is halfway down the stairs of my house when I call to him. “Wait.”
Yet after that I have nothing. When he looks at me his eyes make my knees weak
and he runs his hand through his hair, each blonde curl slides effortlessly
through his fingers and my body betrays me once again.
How does he do this to me?

“Why?” he questions with a smug grin
on his face.

I take a deep breath, but my response
still comes out uncontrolled and far more needy than I intend. “I want you to
stay.”

“You want me to stay or you need me
to stay?” He begins to walk back toward me taking the steps two at a time. Within
seconds we’re face to face and my heart begins to beat erratically, sweaty
palms take over and I wipe my hands on my thighs.

“Tyler, don’t,” I say trying to sound
confident, but I fail. He moves closer and his lips are practically touching
mine. I can feel his warm breath against my mouth and my body screams to kiss
him. I lick my lips and I feel a smile form on his.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t do this to me.” My fingers
begin to tap and he clutches my hand. He’s totally composed and I’m falling to
pieces.

“If you only knew the things I want
to do to you.” He laughs and steps back slightly. “You wouldn’t be standing
this close to me right now. So, are you going to ask me again?”

 
“Please stay.”

“Of course I will,” he says, “you
begged.”

“I’m not going to sleep with you,” I
say as I attempt to confidently stride back into my house. Tyler follows
closely behind and I can hear him chuckle under his breath, which only makes me
want to stand firm with my choice. I walk into the kitchen and I open the
refrigerator and the blast of cool air hits me in the face, but my skin still
remains hot and overly sensitive. I take two beers and hand one to Tyler. He
follows me into the living room. When we are sitting on the couch he turns to
me and says, “I’ve missed you Krissy. Can we try again? Put the past behind us.
Start over.”

Kissing Tyler has clouded my vision
and made me want him even more. I feel vulnerable and scared that my life will be
forever spent single and hating my job. I suddenly feel the need to be loved by
someone...anyone. It’s easy to lose myself in him like I have done so many
times before. He makes me forget how terrible things used to be between us, just
his presence fuels my need to make it right.

 
“Okay, I say. “How far back should we
go because I’m pretty sure I can’t re-instate my virginity?”

He laughs and pulls me onto his lap
wrapping his arms around me. I go willingly, not fighting even though something
in me tells me I need to be careful. I close my eyes and think that maybe it
will be okay.

“Do you have any idea how much I’ve
missed you? Touching you again, the way you smell, just because I left doesn’t
mean I ever stopped wanting you.” It takes seconds for the memories to surface;
the familiarity of being close to him brings me back, taking me through our
past.

As if Tyler can hear my thoughts, he
says, “I think fate was trying to tell us something the day we met. The last
names, all those classes, don’t you think?”

“When? The first day of our sophomore
year?”

“Yeah, I still remember trying to get
you to talk to me. You were so difficult. You just ignored me.”

“I didn’t ignore you!” I say,
shouting. “I was scared of you. You intimidated me.”

“You would’ve never known. I just
thought you didn’t like me. It wasn’t until that party at Gia’s house that you
finally broke down and actually talked to me.”

“What are you talking about? I talked
to you every day in class that week.” I’d forgotten about that party. Gia’s
parents went out of town and her brother Christopher and some of his friends
bought a bunch of liquor with fake ID’s. “I remember when you walked into her
backyard.” I smile as I picture him. He looked out of place. My crowd wasn’t
his style, but I didn’t care. He looked adorable, his hair curlier than usual
from the humidity.

“You were the only reason I was there.
God, you were so beautiful. Not like anyone else.”

“Why because I was drunk off of
Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers? I ask jokingly.

“Well, yes and no. You didn’t look
like any of the girls there. They were all in halter tops with too much makeup.”

“Ah, yes. Makeup in the sweltering
heat. A great combo. And halter tops? That wasn’t really me. I couldn’t be
bothered. I wasn’t there to pick up guys. I just wanted to get drunk and
possibly smoke a joint.”

“You need to teach a class to teenage
girls on how to not give a shit. Really, you made it look effortless.” It was
anything but effortless, but it was definitely easier than pretending to be
someone I wasn’t. “I remember you wore the same thing to school that whole week
and you had it on at the party, too.”

“Tyler, what the hell were you
thinking talking to me at that party? I’d worn the same clothes for a week. You
probably thought I was homeless. If my memory serves I was wearing a Grateful
Dead t-shirt, a pair of cut off jean shorts and turquoise Vans.”

“Yep and you looked amazing. You were
dancing with your sister to “Jessie’s Girl.” It was hard not to stare at you. I
remember Rachel lifted the back of your shirt and I could see your tan lines. I
almost came in my pants.”

“Tyler! You’re disgusting!” I admonish
him, but enjoy his take on this memory. “Oh yeah, Rachel was trying to get some
douche bag’s attention, so she made me dance with her. She whispered something
to me along the lines of, “If you dance with me all slutty, he’s totally gonna
think we go home and make out.” It worked because she ended up in Gia’s bedroom
with him ten minutes later.”