A Life More Complete (14 page)

I pull into the parking lot of Torres
Landscaping and Pools. It is a huge business, with lush greenhouses and fruit
trees everywhere. There are models of in-ground pools and hot tubs and several
smaller buildings stationed throughout. The nursery doesn’t open until eight, so
the place is fairly deserted, only a few of Ben’s employees are milling around.
I look for Ben’s truck and I don’t see it, so I make my way through the gravel
parking lot, teetering in heels around the small rocks that cover it. The first
building is Ben’s office. I open the door knowing Annalise should be here
already, yet she’s not. She’s nowhere to be seen. I reach over and grab a pen
from the cup on her desk and a Post-It note. I quickly scribble down a note to
Ben and stick it on top of the box. I head down the tile-covered hallway to his
office, my heels clicking along and echoing. I pull the door open and there is
Ben sitting behind his desk staring at his computer. Without even thinking I
blurt out, “What are you doing here?” I’m sure I look completely stupefied.

“I work here,” he says raising his
eyebrows. “What are you doing here?”

“Dropping off your stuff. I was gonna
leave it with Annalise, but she’s not here.” I hold the box out as I shift my
weight from foot to foot, nervously.

“She’s out getting coffee.” He stands
and walks around his desk toward me and for some reason I want to drop the box
and run. I’m almost afraid to be in the same room with him. I shove the box at
him and he takes it glimpsing down at the note on the top. He looks up from the
note and says, “I miss you.” He drops the box on the ground and takes my hand.

“Krissy. I’m sorry. I miss you so
much.” He pulls me to him and before I realize it he’s kissing me and I can’t
stop him. A few seconds won’t kill me. Ben’s lips are like home, comforting and
soft. And before I can pull away the tip of his tongue grazes my bottom lip. My
eyes shoot open.

“Okay, stop.” I pull away leaving him
breathless. “Nothing has changed, Ben.”

“I don’t care. I want you.” He
reaches for me again and I back away.

“You will care, someday. Not now
because you’re lonely, but someday, I can’t say when, but you’ll care and I don’t
want to go down that road again. I can’t lose you twice. This is hard enough.” I
can feel that lump in my throat and the burn race through my skin.
Shit, I’m going to cry.

“Oh baby, don’t cry.” He pulls me to
him and I can’t stop him. The tears fall, soaking his shirt and ruining my
perfectly great post wine glow.

“I can’t do this,” I mumble into his
shirt.

“It was wrong of me to say that. I
apologize. I do love you, Krissy, but you’re right. We want different things
out of life and it would be unwise and unfair for me to demand anything of you.”
He hands me a tissue. “You have worked hard to get where you are and I would
never begrudge you the success you’ve had or attempt to take it away from you. Maybe
our lives will connect again someday and maybe you’ll be ready then and if not,
well, then as they say, it wasn’t meant to be.”

“Why are you so understanding? It
makes me love and hate you all at the same time.” I pause momentarily as his
eyes meet mine. I turn away because if I wait too long I’ll beg him to take me
back. I quickly hug him. It’s the kind of hug you reserve for distant cousins
and unknown relatives.

“Take care,” he says as I leave his
office, but his voice sounds distant and as I glance back at him his smile
fades and his eyes turn sad.

“Thank you, and you, too, Ben.” My
voice wavers slightly as I try to control the last of the tears.

Crying in Ben’s office has made me
late. What a wonderful first impression to Trini’s lawyer, not that I care what
he thinks of me personally, but I do care about my professionalism.

I’m daydreaming of Ben as I make my
way to the conference room. Ben’s perfectly white, straight teeth, his
beautiful smile, his hands, his dark hair, his eyes, him naked. I’m smiling
like an idiot. I need to get it together. Then I hear it. A voice I know better
than my own and it stops me dead in my tracks. It can’t be. It just can’t. How?
I hear it again. He laughs and I know it’s him. My mind races and I play the
conversation from yesterday’s meeting in my head. Flight from Chicago, Mr.
McCarthy, lawyer.
Fuck me! It’s him.

My palms begin to sweat and I tap and
count to such an extreme it’s comical. I take a deep breath, turn around and
hit the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror. My mind is racing, my heart
beating like a drum; I can’t seem to pull it together.
Get yourself together. You’re not the same person you were then. Stop
being a coward. This is your job. You could do it in your sleep.
I take
another deep breath and I tell my feet to walk. I hear him laugh again. He’s
charming everyone in the room. I know; I’ve been there. He is flawlessly good.

As I walk in Ellie says, “There she
is.” She has a ridiculously huge grin painted on her face. “Kristin, this is
Tyler McCarthy, Trini’s lawyer.” She is still smiling like a moron. He stands
and turns toward me as I stop in the doorway. If he’s shocked to see me he
doesn’t show it. I attempt to walk around him, which of course, comes across as
awkward and weird. He stills me with his hand, placing it on my wrist and runs
his thumb along the inside seeking what he knows is still there.

“It’s nice to see you, again. You
look well,” he says not missing a beat, completely collected.

“You, too,” I say, which is more like
an auto-response, but my voice is shaky. It’s just what you say, I think? He
pulls me into an embrace and I still myself by placing my hands on his arms just
below his shoulders. His lips graze my ear and he whispers, “You smell amazing.”
And then he places a kiss just shy of my mouth. I swallow hard. It’s impossible
for me to control my body’s response to him. My heart beats faster, my palms
sweat, my breathing grows erratic. I become powerless in his presence. He’s the
only person in the world who evokes so much emotion from me. I’m overwhelmed, and
anxiety-riddled, a complete mess. It’s like my body is hardwired to his, so attuned
and acutely aware. I begin to tap my fingers and his hand covers mine stilling
my need. He leans in again and kisses the other side of my mouth and whispers, “Stop.
So unbecoming on such a beautiful woman.” My breath hitches and a small gasp escapes
my lips. He is completely unaffected by my presence or everyone else in the
room because it feels like we’ve been standing like this for an eternity. The
tension in the room is unnatural. The Earth tilts on its axis and begins to
spin. I can feel it under my feet. I feel like I’m under water trying to suck
in a breath, but there’s nothing there. The room begins to buzz with
anticipation, his eyes lock with mine, and it’s uncomfortable and unnerving. He
drops my hand abruptly and says, “Shall we start the meeting,” as if he just
returned from the bathroom. As much as I want to go he still leaves me feeling
bereft. I stumble toward the chair next to Melinda and fall into it rather
ungracefully. I look over at her and her eyes are wide and questioning and she
mouths, “Oh. My. God.”

Like I said, I could do this job in
my sleep, which is what I do. Sleep replaced by a trance of disbelief and total
numbness. I speak at the right times, say the right things, fill in the
information as need be, but not remembering any of it when the meeting comes to
a close. I wish I loved my job the way some people do. I wish I was so involved
with something, loved it so much that I could dedicate my time and not have it
be a chore. I admire people like that, yet I also loathe them all at the same
time. To be that dedicated to anything seems borderline crazy. Melinda grabs my
wrist stealing me from my daydream.

“An explanation?” she whispers all
the while looking eager. Her leg moving under the table in a quick steady beat
as she looks at Tyler while he furiously types on his BlackBerry. His brow is
furrowed and he looks deep in thought. He still looks amazing, somewhat more
masculine, less like a boy. His features more chiseled and defined, yet his
nose shows signs of being broken that weren’t there when I last saw him nearly
seven years ago. I suddenly feel obsessed with him, like I can’t get enough. Tyler’s
good looks and adorably charming smile are what drew me to him so long ago. Nothing
has changed. I can still picture him in his worn out Gap jeans with the
permanent ink stain on the back pocket. His backward baseball hat all tattered
and torn perfectly, the brim expertly curved. I remember Tom telling me to stay
away from boys in backward hats. He claimed that wearing your hat that way made
you lose I.Q. points. It only made me want Tyler more. I’m still staring at him
when he pulls himself away from his phone. He looks up at me and smiles coyly. I
feel my whole body shudder and I look away quickly. When I finally turn toward
Melinda she is dumbstruck.

“Seriously. What is going on?” Her
voice now more concerned than questioning.

“Long story. Can I explain later?” I
hurriedly mumble out as I see Tyler rise from his seat and make his way over to
me. He stops in front of the two of us. He addresses Melinda first and she doesn’t
even bat an eyelash. Not affected by his presence the way most are, she thinks
nothing of him and I can tell by his approach that even he is stunned. She’s
always been like this; from the day I met her. Nothing rattles her. She eyes
him questionably; looks him up and down, while she assesses his expensive-looking
suit. He looks unreal in it, like a model. He’s taller than I remember; lean,
but muscular, in a word, seductive. As she looks at his suit I know what she’s
thinking; she’s wondering if this is a one shot deal, the only nice suit he
owns or if he is really big time, rich as hell. I can tell you it’s the latter.
He has been that way since the day he was born and right now I’m hoping he
wants her and not me. But I know that’s not the case. She’s not his type. Too
skinny, too blonde, too rich, too everything. She takes a disparaging breath and
raises her eyebrows.

“So how do you know Kristin?” she
asks, nonplussed.

He scoffs at her use of my name. “I
knew her when her name was Krissy. We go way back. Old friends, I guess you
could say.”

“Funny, she’s never mentioned you.” I
sigh and grab her by her wrist. She’s baiting him and she knows it, which makes
me uncomfortable but makes her writhe with delight. She loves to make people
squirm. It’s not me that her displeasure is being thrust upon, yet second
handedly it is. As a close friend she knows what makes me uncomfortable and she
saw my reaction to Tyler. This is her way of protecting me, but I don’t want
it, not now and definitely not in front of him. I’m appearing weak and she is
making it even more obvious.

“Mel? Can you give us a minute?” It’s
more of a demand than a request.

“Sure. Whatever you want, friend,”
she says while walking out of the room, yet her eyes staying trained on Tyler.

I reach for my purse and laptop bag
in an attempt to stay indifferent to his presence. I can feel my chest rising
and falling rapidly as I sling the bags over my shoulder. I’m not sure what I’m
attempting to accomplish here. Leaving? I know I’m not getting off that easy. I’m
never like this. Completely uncontrolled and undone. Every day I meet high
profile celebrities, address the media, attend parties and sell happiness like
it’s a popsicle on a hot summer day and here I am a bumbling mess of a person. I
finally turn and face him, square my shoulders and ask the one question I have
been dying to know since I came face to face with him. “What are you doing
here, Tyler?”

“I’m working. What are you doing here?”
He purses his lips.
Smooth, Tyler. Real
smooth.

“Don’t be coy. Seriously. Did you do
this on purpose? Try to find me?” He gives me a look that says he is totally
insulted, almost scorned that I would even think that. Suddenly I’m overcome
with embarrassment. I shouldn’t think so highly of myself. Why would he be
looking for me? He left me.

“Will you have lunch with me?” he
says completely avoiding my question.

“Fine. There’s a deli just around the
corner. Let me drop my laptop off in my office. I’ll meet you outside.” I
breeze past Melinda’s office and luckily she’s gone. I can’t even begin to try
to piece this together for her in the brief few minutes I have. I hit the
elevator button and take a few deep breaths trying to quell the urge to tap. Something
that had disappeared so suddenly has reappeared with such gusto, it is
impossible to stop. I tap, once, twice and a third time before the elevator
reaches the ground floor. I shake my hands and exit. There he is looking all
business suit professional and oh God, so sexy I’m not sure I can handle it. I
pause for a moment and the memories come flooding back like images flashed on a
screen. The boy I fell in love with; I can see him so vividly, his crooked
smile, the straight white teeth, the tousled curly blonde hair, the way he made
my stomach feel every time he placed his hand in mine, his laugh, his
flirtatious demeanor. There are no negative emotions only excitement and
nervousness. I feel like I’m sixteen again. The memories make my heart hurt as
it beats rapidly against my chest. Then he catches my gaze and smiles that
perfect heart stopping smile and I feel like I might cry. I can’t even speak,
so I push my way through the door and he follows me onto the sidewalk, his feet
in time with mine as we walk silently toward the deli.