A House of Cards: Deconstructing Ethan (16 page)

Just then, my phone chirped, indicating that I had a text message. I pulled it out of my pocket and checked the display and as I did a smile crept onto my face. It didn’t go unnoticed.

“I’m guessing it’s not from your mom,” Lexi assumed correctly, smirking at me. I rolled my eyes at her, she laughed and I opened the text.

I can still feel you.

I wish you were here in bed with me.

My mouth fell open at his bold statement. We had only been dating for about a week and he already wanted me in his bed next to him. There was no real precedent for a relationship such as ours, no hard and fast rules. Perhaps I should have felt uneasy that things were progressing at the pace they were, but I did not. People got in and out of relationships every day and I’m sure none of them followed the exact same timeline.

We’d had two dates, both of which had been very successful. The museum, the beach, his house; they were all places that we had found a common ground in. We felt comfortable with each other, which is how I imagine a relationship should be. Lastly, and most importantly, I found that the dull ache that had settled in my chest the morning Jayden left was slowly starting to subside. It was being replaced with, not love but, contentment.

I asked Lexi what their plans were for the next day. She said that they were having a session with Connor to make him feel more comfortable after the wax play session. She asked if I wanted to join them, but I decided that I did not, nor did I really want to listen to their session either. The company that had done the sound proofing on the playroom was coming back to fix the light fixture, but until then, everything was clearly audible through my bedroom floor.

Then, inspiration struck me and I pulled out my cell phone.

“Texting Gabriel?” Lexi asked with a smirk.

“No, actually, I thought maybe I’d take my mom to lunch.” I said with a hint of uncertainty in my voice. “Maybe she’s busy, though. I should have called sooner.”

“Trust me, Ethan. If she has other plans, she’ll break them to go to lunch with you. You are so important to her. I know it would mean the world to her if you called and asked her to lunch. It’s kind of late to call her now though.” Reaching across the table, she took my hand. “I’m so proud of you, Ethan. The changes in you are evident. You seem, maybe not happier, but more at ease with yourself?” I nodded. I had let the boy out of the box and was getting to know him again.

I changed into a loose pair of pajama pants and climbed into bed. Grabbing my phone off of the night stand, I decided to answer

Gabriel’s text.

I would like that.

With you, I feel just like everyone else.

Lying back on the pillows, I thought about what brunch would be like on Sunday. Vaguely, I wondered if Gabriel would be as open with me there as he was everywhere else and how I would feel about that. While I was curious about showing affection in public, I didn’t want to make a scene. On the other hand, I had no issue with expressing my affection for him. Maybe my mother could advise me.

* * *

Lexi had been right about my mother. While she didn’t mention changing any plans, she was thrilled to hear from me and said she would love to have lunch with me. Dressing in one of my nicer pair of jeans and a light sweater, I wanted to go someplace casual with her, someplace we could talk without being overheard by one of her friends. As I walked her to my car, she suggested we go have pizza at a place I had enjoyed as child; a small intimate place that her society friends would never set foot in. I grinned at her as I held the car door open and she hesitated for just a moment before hugging me.

“What’s that for?” I asked with a chuckle.

“I haven’t seen you happy in a long time, I’d almost forgotten what your smile looked like,” she said wistfully and sat down in the passenger seat of the rented Audi. I knelt next to her, taking her hand and looked up at her.

“It’s getting better. It’s finally getting better,” I told her and she wiped a tear from her eye as I closed the door. After she gave me directions to the restaurant, I pulled into the lot behind the building and parked. We walked side by side to the front of the building and then, once inside, requested a table for two. The place was empty for an early Saturday lunch, so we picked a table near the windows. The warm late spring sun felt nice as it streamed through the heavily advertised glass. When the waitress came, I picked up my menu and looked at the offerings. As I reached the bottom of the first page, I dropped the menu.

“What is it, Ethan?” My mother asked, suddenly concerned.

“Tater tots,” I said softly and she looked at me as if I’d lost my mind. “You used to bring me here when I was a kid. It was our secret because it wasn’t classy enough for dad; he thought it was a dive. We used to have sausage pizza and tater tots. I’ve never been to another pizza place that served tater tots, so I had forgotten that until just now.” She beamed at me. “I had the same realization the other day at the museum. I remembered that Gabriel’s mom used to take us there because they weren’t going to let him go into science as a career. I remembered the rotunda and the heart. Being back here, allowing myself to think about things, it’s bringing my childhood – my real childhood, my happy childhood, back to me. That boy I told you about, he’s starting to come out of the box.”

“I’m glad, Ethan. You don’t know how much I’ve missed him,” she said quietly and looked up just as the waitress came back. “Hi,” she said to the girl. “We’d like a medium sausage and a basket of tater tots, please…”

Mom and I talked all through lunch and even through a couple of beers afterwards. I was surprised at how accepting and free my mother seemed to be, as if everything she had been though during my lifetime had taught her not to take anything for granted – nothing – not even sausage pizza and greasy tater tots. I told her everything, started with Gabriel and how he made me feel, then Jayden and how he made me feel and even about Jayden and Lexi. While I wanted to tell her about my suspicions regarding Lexi and Connor, that would have divulged a little more about my private life than I felt comfortable sharing with her. Telling your mom that you tied up your best friend and poured wax on her naked body just isn’t adequate substance for a lunchtime conversation. She gave me a slightly different take on things than Lexi had.

“You describe Gabriel as comfortable and safe, but your passion lies in Jayden?” She asked in summary and I nodded. “And Jayden is jealous of Gabriel, while claiming to be in love with Lexi?” I nodded again. “I think you need to talk to Jayden. You need to find out what’s going on in his head. Safe and comfortable are good, Ethan. Passion? Passion is better.” Then to my utter astonishment, she winked at me. Was she saying what I thought she was saying? should be with Jayden?

“What about Lexi?” I asked incredulous. “Lexi is my best friend, Mom. I can’t just discount her feelings in the matter.”

“If Jayden wants to be with you, she has two choices – to stay in a complacent, loveless relationship or to move on and let him do the same. She cares for you, Ethan. The three of you owe it to yourselves to figure out what it is that you really want,” she said earnestly. “But if that happens, you need to be completely upfront with Gabriel. He deserves to know where your heart is, even if it isn’t with him.”

Yet another conversation I needed to have with Gabriel. I sighed and she patted my hand.

On the way back to my parents’ house, I thought about her advice. I knew that once I had a conversation with Jayden, everything would change as he would then be aware that I had some kind of feelings for him. Lexi would know how Jayden felt about me and the guessing game that I’d been playing since I ended up in Chicago would be over. Then there was Gabriel. Even if Jayden said that he wanted to remain with Lexi, I would still have to tell Gabriel that Jayden would always be in my heart somewhere. As much as it hurt,

I didn’t know if I would ever feel that all encompassing love that Lexi and Jayden kept telling me about. I didn’t know if I could even feel it with either Gabriel
or
Jayden.

My one right question was,
if
I could feel love like that – why hadn’t it come over me yet? What the hell was it waiting for? If I were in love with Jayden, did I feel it when I looked at him? If I was starting to fall in love with Gabriel, why couldn’t I feel that either?

Was I just emotionally void?

* * *

I avoided thinking about the conversation that I needed to have with most of the important people in my life. I didn’t want to hurt Lexi by telling Jayden my suspicions. I didn’t want to risk losing Jayden by confronting him about his feelings and I didn’t want to risk losing Gabriel because he found out that I’m a closet bondage freak. Instead, I got ready for the brunch, dressing in a nice pair of jeans and a polo shirt – not exactly country club chic, but it would get me though my parents’ brunch with a minimum amount of fuss. Gabriel arrived a little early to pick me up. I was glad I had spent time with my mother yesterday at lunch; it would be less awkward for Gabriel if we didn’t have a heart to heart talk while he hung out in the garden or something. I heard the doorbell sound downstairs and was relieved when I heard Lexi call that she would answer it. After I finished getting ready, I headed downstairs and was not amused by the sight in the front room.

Gabriel was sitting in an arm chair with Jayden standing above him in an adversarial stance and scowling. Gabriel, however, didn’t look the least bit upset or defensive. He just looked up expectantly at Jayden.

“What exactly is it that you want from Ethan?” Jayden asked Gabriel coolly and I thought about intervening, but honestly, I kind of wanted to hear his answers. What was Gabriel looking for in our relationship? Was he looking for forever? Was he just looking for a friend? Was he looking for love? Friends with benefits? Straight up sex? I didn’t know the answer to any of these questions, I wondered if he did.

“My intentions towards Ethan are none of your damn business,”

Gabriel said, standing up to look Jayden in the eye. I liked that

Gabriel didn’t back down from Jayden. “Look, I know that you care for him, probably more than you should.” Jayden started to speak, but Gabriel cut him off. “But you have a girlfriend. What he needs right now is stability and consistency – someone who will care about him all the time, not just when it’s convenient. I care about him, don’t know where this is going, whether we’ll be friends or more, but I won’t hurt him. He’s been hurt too much in his life already for me to let that happen.” I walked into the room then, before Jayden had a chance to respond.

I can’t imagine it would have been kind. “Ready?” I asked Gabriel, looking quickly between him and

Jayden. Not meeting my eyes, Jayden looked away and I knew he was upset. He sank down onto the couch next to Lexi, who looked at him sadly. I wasn’t sure if she was embarrassed by his outburst with

Gabriel or just worried about him, as I was.

“Actually, I’d like to talk to you for a minute. Can we go up to your room?” Gabriel asked cautiously. I turned around and led him toward the stairs. As we passed the second floor landing, I noticed with relief that the playroom door was closed. We reached my room and I closed the door behind him before we sat on the bed. Then, he turned his body to face me, pulling one leg up between us.

“I want to apologize,” he started and my head snapped up. “What would you have to apologize for?” I asked him incredulously. Jayden can be intimidating when he wants to be and Gabriel had pretty much told him to go to hell, showing me that he really did care for me.

“I know that right now we are just friends,” a sheepish grin crept onto his face and he continued. “Okay, maybe a little more than friends. I just didn’t want you to think that I was trying to make decisions for you or get between you and your friend. I know you care for him and I just don’t want to see you get hurt because he doesn’t know what he wants.” I knew he was intuitive – maybe it was in the way that I had spoken about Jayden. I had talked a lot about Jayden and Lexi during my time with Gabriel, as they were a large part of my life, and Gabriel should know that upfront.

“I don’t think you overstepped. To be honest, it felt good to hear you stand up for me like that. I like that you care about me. I care about you too,” I told him honestly. No matter what direction our relationship took, I did care about him. Mimicking his position on the bed, I pulled my knee up so that my leg was next to his and he leaned toward me at the same time that I leaned toward him. Our lips met in a sweet and gentle kiss that made me feel warm before it deepened. Playfully, he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back on the bed. I laughed and wrapped my legs around his waist as he put his hands on either side of my shoulders. Moaning softly, he kissed me again and started to get aroused.. I was about to tell him we needed to head to the brunch when I heard my door open.

“Ethan, Gabriel, I…” Jayden started, but then abruptly stopped when he saw our positioning. I knew what it must look like, even if we were only just messing around. All of the color drained from Jayden’s face and he gripped the doorknob so tightly that I thought it might be dislodged from the door. “I’m sorry I disturbed you,” he choked out and then turned slamming the door behind him. The framed art that Lexi had placed on the wall of my room rattled, but thankfully didn’t fall.