A Heart Once Broken (29 page)

Rosemary gave in and allowed
Mamm
to lead her inside. But she refused to sit down, even though a great weakness flooded through her. This was only a case of nerves, Rosemary assured herself, but she had said that often enough in the past. Perhaps she had best admit that she had been wrong before and was wrong now. With a sigh, Rosemary settled on the couch.

Ann appeared in the kitchen doorway, and Rosemary tuned out the conversation between Ann and
Mamm
. She didn't want to hear the words again. Words that spelled such awful things. Words that said the world would soon not be her home. Only when Ann came to her with a tearstained face did Rosemary try to stand. Ann pushed her down and sat on the couch to embrace Rosemary with both arms. Great sobs racked Ann's body.
Why am I not the one in tears?
Rosemary wondered again. But already she was weary of questions that had no answers. If this was the way of the Lord, then she would rather travel the road quickly.

Now if only Ezra would come. But how could he? Ezra didn't know. No one expected this would be the news. At the worst, Ezra probably figured she had a mild flu or something equally benign. Perhaps
Mamm
was right. Ezra would come tonight. She had only to wait for him. Ezra had never held her in his arms before, but that was what she wanted. The feel of his strength around her shoulders, to hear the pounding of his heart against her ear. Ezra's health would become hers. She would draw strength from him, as she had these last weeks. Wasn't that what had kept her going this long? If Ezra hadn't been in her life, she would have been to the doctor long ago.
But even that would have been too late,
Rosemary told herself.

“You had best come up to your room.”
Mamm
's concerned face floated in front of Rosemary. “Come, we will help.”

Ann appeared on the other side of Rosemary, and together they walked her to the stair door. But only
Mamm
stayed with her on the climb up.

“Now, lie down for a while, and we'll call you for supper,”
Mamm
said. She smoothed out the quilt and helped Rosemary onto the bed.

The room spun slowly even before
Mamm
left, and the soft click on the bedroom door was a welcome sound. She wanted to drift off, but she wanted Ezra worse. The desire to see him rose like a deep thirst inside of her. Rosemary staggered to her feet and made it over to the window before she slid to the floor.

Dreams of starry nights and dark clouds floated in front of her mind, and when Rosemary woke, Ezra's face was just above hers.
Mamm
was right beside Ezra.

“She must have fallen,”
Mamm
said.

Rosemary felt a smile fill her face. “You have come,” she whispered. “Hold me, Ezra. Hold me tight.”

Mamm
appeared more frightened than horrified at such plain talk.
Mamm
stepped back, and Ezra lifted Rosemary in his strong
arms. Rosemary clung to his neck and pushed her face close to his chest. The steady beat of Ezra's heart pounded in her ears.
This is heaven,
Rosemary decided,
or the first taste of it.
These were the arms that would carry her through the rough waters ahead. She had been given Ezra for a reason, and now she knew why. Rosemary took a long breath as Ezra lowered her effortlessly onto the quilt-covered bed.

“Never let me go,” she whispered in his ear.

But Ezra detached himself from her arms with a great gentleness.

“She's in shock,”
Mamm
said.

Rosemary smiled and let herself drift off again. Ezra had held her, and that was enough for now. She would sleep until this dream came to an end.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

L
ydia sat unmoving on the long unmarried women's bench. The Sunday morning church service had begun over two hours ago. She had dreaded this time all week and for most of the week before. Ever since Deacon Schrock had paid his visit and
Daett
had been ordered to make a church confession. The shame the family was facing was an awful thing.
Daett
should never have allowed himself to get into this situation. If only he had dealt with Emma and Rhoda earlier or stayed out of that horrible money scheme. Now Emma and Rhoda were more committed than ever to never coming back from their
rumspringa
time. Both of her sisters had refused to attend the Sunday service this morning. They would jump the fence for sure. Lydia hadn't wanted to come herself, but that would only make matters worse. Thankfully Harvey Miller hadn't been by with a marriage proposal yet, but she was sure Deacon Schrock had spoken to him. Unless she planned to jump the fence along with her sisters, she had some tough decisions ahead of her.

Was she ready to leave for the love of Rudy? She had chosen the community's life, but that choice seemed distant and unreal right now. Her decision had been made in a time of dreamy happiness, when she had set out with Sandra to pursue Ezra. How silly they had
both been, and how childish their actions. Yet those had been the times when she had felt the most loved by everyone. Now Ezra was dating Rosemary, and to make matters worse, Rosemary had taken ill. The news of Rosemary's diagnosis of pancreatic cancer had been on every woman's lips this morning.

“Poor girl, she was trying so hard.”

“
Yah
, for Ezra's sake,” they said.

“Love does strange things to people, that's all I know.”

“Even keeps cancer at bay for a time.”

“But all things are in the hands of the Lord.”

Most of them had gathered around Rosemary's
Mamm
to comfort her and whisper short prayers with their heads bowed. The service had been delayed a few minutes until all the woman could come in from the kitchen where they had gathered to pray for Rosemary. The full compassion of the community was on display for the Beiler family—and on the very morning
Daett
must experience his humiliation. Rosemary might find healing for her sickness, but for years to come
Daett
would bear the shame for what he had allowed to happen in his house. Families from the community would point to the Troyers as an example of how their young people's
rumspringa
time should not be conducted.

Yet
Daett
had known the consequences, and had refused to stand up to his daughters. Now there would be no men gathered to comfort
Daett
after his confession. Not like the women who had supported Rosemary's
Mamm
. The community didn't show its sympathy for those who transgressed the
ordnung
. How could discipline be maintained if those who willfully transgressed were given support in any way?

Lydia shifted on the bench as Bishop Henry asked for testimonies and sat down. When those were finished, the bishop rose again and with slumped shoulders said, “Will all those who are members
please remain seated? There is work that must be done in the Lord's vineyard today.”

The soft rustle of small feet as they scurried off filled the house. Several girls were needed in the kitchen to begin lunch preparations for the smaller children, but Lydia had best not volunteer. The evasion would be obvious. And Sandra had already left the room along with several of the others. So Lydia settled down on the bench and pressed back the tears.

Sandra's words to her this morning in the washroom still stung. Sandra had whispered, “I won't be able to come over any longer, not until this whole thing blows over. And Clyde's taking me home next Sunday night from the hymn singing.”

The sad meaning was plain enough. Lydia would be toxic until
Daett
proved himself worthy again of the community's confidence. Even Lydia herself was on trial. Sandra hadn't mentioned that, but they understood each other well enough to communicate without plain words.

What hurt most was the cut of the cords that had once bound Sandra to her. They were still cousins, but they would never again be lighthearted girls held together by their love and enjoyment of life. Now that Sandra had accepted a date from Clyde, it was clear that she would stay with the community's tradition, while she, Lydia, was still tempted to stray. She'd have to find her way now without Sandra's help.

Bishop Henry stood to his feet again, his voice trembling. “It is always a heavy thing when discipline in the Lord's vineyard must be exercised. Such is the case this morning with our brother Ben Troyer. He has been found lax in the management not only of his financial affairs but also more seriously of his family. Only after great failure and a sharp rebuke from brothers who care for his soul, has Ben repented. For this we are thankful. But since these two things
followed each other so closely and are related, we believe measures must be taken to assure that full repentance is found. With that in mind, Ben has agreed to a church confession, and has also voluntarily offered six months' time of proving himself, during which he will attempt to restore our confidence in him. We rejoice and gladly accept this further sign of repentance. It will be
goot
for all of the church to see Ben humble himself before the Lord and before his brothers and sisters. So Ben, will you please leave us now? We will take the counsel of the church on this matter.”

Lydia looked away as
Daett
rose to his feet. The front door opened and closed while Lydia kept her gaze on the floor. Long moments later, she saw Deacon Schrock move down the line of unmarried women to ask for their vote. The other two ministers were scattered throughout the rooms where the other members sat. When one finished his section, he took his seat again beside Bishop Henry. From the looks of things Deacon Schrock would be the last to finish.

Lydia whispered into Deacon Schrock's ear when he arrived, “I have no objection.”

Deacon Schrock said nothing, but moved on to finish his section. When he was done, the deacon sat down again with his head bowed.

Bishop Henry addressed Deacon Schrock first. “So what did you find?”

“There were no objections among the women,” Deacon Schrock told him.

The other two ministers reported similar results.

“You may call Ben in,” Bishop Henry ordered.

Deacon Schrock slipped outside and returned moments later with
Daett
in tow.
Daett
took a seat across from Bishop Henry.

“The vote has passed to accept your confession,” Bishop Henry
told
Daett
. “You may kneel now before the Lord and the church and confess your sin.”

Lydia slipped to her knees herself as
Daett
did likewise. She couldn't bear the sight. A quiet sob came from the married women's section. That would be
Mamm.
Lydia wasn't about to cry out, but perhaps a quiet time spent in prayer while
Daett
was humiliated would steady her spirit.

Lydia heard
Daett
's voice rise and fall as he mumbled the prescribed words. “I confess my faults and sins before the Lord and before the church. I beg your forgiveness for my great weakness and ask for restoration in the name of the Lord.”

“Your confession is accepted,” Bishop Henry spoke clearly. “Please stand, Ben, and go forth into a better life than you have lived the past few months. And the service is now dismissed.”

There was a shuffle of feet, and Lydia eased herself back onto the bench. No one looked her way. They likely took her kneeling as a sign of her repentant spirit.
If only I had one,
Lydia thought. The battle with her heart was far from over. Rudy hadn't made contact with her after that embarrassing episode when they toured the Christmas lights in Ogdensburg, but he would. Even if
Daett
no longer allowed Emma and Rhoda's
Englisha
friends on the farm,
Daett
had waited too long to prevent this temptation from taking root.

Lydia stood with the line of girls as they moved toward the kitchen. She didn't stop to help, but continued on to the washroom. She had insisted this morning before they left home that she would not stay for lunch. But to leave early she needed her own buggy.
Mamm
had objected at first, but Lydia had calmly harnessed Timber in the barn by herself.
Daett
had stayed out of sight, while Emma and Rhoda giggled behind their hands at the fuss.
Mamm
had said nothing more about the matter.