A Heart Once Broken (24 page)

“Everybody inside for popcorn,” Lydia announced with forced cheerfulness. It was all she could think of.

“Hi, Lydia,” Rudy said. “Good to see you again.”

“And you too,” Lydia managed. Her throat had gone dry as Rudy's blue eyes blazed in front of her.

Just then,
Daett
's buggy pulled in the driveway and Emma and Rhoda tumbled out. They raced across the yard to greet Avery, Julie,
Benny, and Jimmy. Rudy waited and stepped closer to Lydia, whispering, “I said I'd come back.”

Lydia ignored him and announced again, “Everyone inside for popcorn, please.”

Emma shushed her at once. “We'll take care of that. Rudy doesn't come that often, so why don't you take a few moments with him?”

“But Sandra's here for a visit,” Lydia said.

“That I am.” Sandra finally waved her hand in the air.

“We'll take care of Sandra,” Emma ordered. “Now go, but don't be long.”

Lydia looked at Sandra, who just shrugged her shoulders. Lydia could hardly refuse, even when
Mamm
came up the walk with disapproval on her face. Rudy settled the matter when he pulled on Lydia's dress sleeve and headed toward the pasture gate. Lydia followed in a daze. This was where they had come on Thanksgiving morning when Rudy had arrived so unexpectedly back in her life.

As they passed through the pasture gate, Rudy's hand slipped into hers. The touch of his fingers was so familiar and comforting. Lydia looked up at him. His smile still made her heart race. He was so handsome and kind. He was also a temptation.

Rudy paused to gaze across the field. He caught Lydia's glance moments later. “We really must find more decent ways to meet than in the field beyond your pasture gate.”

Lydia laughed in spite of herself. “I see you're still the romantic at heart, Rudy.”

“Oh, I am,” Rudy assured her.

“But this is the Amish way.”

“You're not really Amish, Lydia.” Rudy's eyes seemed to pierce all the way through her.

Lydia found her voice to protest. “Oh, but I am.”

“Trust me, you aren't,” Rudy said. “Or else you wouldn't be out here with me now.”

Lydia's head spun. She should tell Rudy to leave right now. He was clearly a threat to the decisions she had made about her life. Her
Amish
life.

“I
am
Amish,” Lydia repeated. Couldn't the man understand?

Rudy chuckled. “We still have to find a better meeting place. Like in town somewhere. I'll pick you up sometime next week when it suits you.”

“I can't.” Lydia kept her voice steady.

“Let's not argue now,” Rudy said. “We'll settle this later. Right now I want to walk with you and hold your hand. I still love you, Lydia. You know that, don't you? I've never stopped loving you.”

Lydia dropped her eyes. In spite of herself, she clung to his hand. She didn't have the strength to resist. Perhaps the courage would come later, but from where? Her world was spinning out of control.

“We'd best not be too long,” Lydia told him.

He smiled and shrugged. “As you wish.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

I
t was the Friday night before Christmas Eve. Lydia changed into her Sunday dress for her agreed-upon outing with Rudy. She could hear Emma and Rhoda giggling from their bedroom across the hallway. Her sisters were in high spirits tonight, but she couldn't say the same thing for herself. Why on earth had she agreed to this meeting?

Well, of course, it was the way Rudy had insisted that convinced her. And now, according to Rudy's plan, Lydia would ride along when Avery and Julie picked up her sisters for their planned Christmas lights tour. This arrangement was to make the evening's activities easier for
Mamm
and
Daett
to swallow.

Everyone would meet at the first stop in Rensselaer Falls, where Rudy would take her in his car. They would be alone, like in the old days of her
rumspringa
time, as if nothing had changed. But much had changed since those long-ago days. That was the truth. She wasn't the same person, so why was she acting as though she was? The past could not be recaptured, yet she had given in to Rudy's plan. She wanted to blame him, but the fault went deeper. She had no one to blame but herself. She was flirting with danger outright, but she had given her word and wouldn't change that now.

Mamm
had told her this morning when they finished the breakfast dishes, “Deacon Schrock is coming over tonight.”

Lydia hadn't responded, but
Mamm
knew she understood. The visit was with
Daett
but the deacon would eventually speak with her too. Especially if the deacon learned of Lydia's date with Rudy. So why was she taking the risk? Where could the relationship with Rudy lead? Nowhere but trouble. She knew she wouldn't leave the community. To stay Amish had been her choice two years ago, but she was baptized now, and had made promises on her knees to the Lord and the church. Rudy would never join the community, so the
bann
would be a certainty if she strayed. A shiver ran up Lydia's back.

Then again, a Christmas lights tour wouldn't decide the matter. Her behavior was even understandable, considering everything else the family had gone though. At least that's what she could tell Deacon Schrock if he asked. But maybe it wouldn't come to that. Deacon Schrock might succeed in his talk with
Daett
tonight, and her parents would clamp down on Emma and Rhoda's behavior. Not so long ago
Mamm
would have forbidden most of their antics, and if she had, Rudy would never have reappeared in Lydia's life.

Lydia shivered again. Across the hall Emma and Rhoda's bedroom door burst open, and her sisters spilled out into the hallway. They came across to pound on her door.

Emma hollered, “Hurry up, slowpoke. We have to get going.”

Lydia had not heard a car in the driveway, so there was no real hurry. After a few minutes her sisters gave up and raced downstairs, filling the stairwell with giggles. Her sisters could be lighthearted about all this, but they didn't face the
bann
like she did. There the soul waited in darkness for the church to lift its disapproval. Bishop Henry had warned of this many times in his sermons. What the church bound on the earth, Bishop Henry said, heaven bound also,
and a soul who could not live at peace with the community could not live at peace with the Lord.

Lydia put the last pin in her
kapp
, and glanced out the bedroom window. A car was visible in the distance, so Avery and Julie would be here any minute. She waited a moment before she opened the bedroom door and took the stairs in slow motion. Her sisters might race downstairs, but she wanted to act differently. Yet in her heart tonight she wouldn't be so different at all. She would be spending time with an
Englisha
boy just as her sisters often did. They would look at Christmas lights, and likely stop someplace for hamburgers. Rudy and she would no doubt do likewise.

The front door slammed as Lydia stepped out of the stairwell. The forms of Emma and Rhoda raced past the living room window. Lydia stopped at the kitchen doorway to say, “Good-bye,
Mamm
.”

“Have a
goot
time.”
Mamm
's smile was weak.

Lydia grabbed her thick winter coat and slipped outside into the brisk winter air. Snow had fallen last night. The Christmas lights tour would be breathtaking…if only her heart could forget for a few hours the danger she was in and soar with the beauty around her.

Maybe that was the best approach, since she had committed to the evening. She had forgotten how enjoyable these Christmas tours used to be during her
rumspringa
days.

Lydia drew a deep breath and walked toward Avery and Julie's car. Maybe
Mamm
and
Daett
would make their peace with Deacon Schrock tonight, and she would find the strength to resist these temptations. Wouldn't that be a miracle?

“Hi, Lydia,” Avery called out. “Ready to set off on the great adventure? Hop in the back seat. There's room for you there.”

Lydia nodded and opened the door to squeeze in with her sisters.

Avery turned the car around in the barnyard. Lydia took one last
look at the house as they pulled out, before memories of her
rumspringa
time began flooding back. There had been long evenings spent in Heuvelton on the weekends, filled with laughter and lightheartedness—and Rudy, of course. But that was in the past, Lydia reminded herself. This was only a ride to see the Christmas lights. Lydia closed her eyes as Emma and Rhoda began a silly conversation with Avery and Julie.

Avery soon slowed the car as they approached the intersection in Rensselaer Falls. Off to the side three cars were parked in the gas station. The snowplow had turned around there and left several large spaces. Avery pulled in and parked. Emma and Rhoda looked at Lydia with big grins on their faces. “See you later.”

“Rudy's in the green mustang,” Avery said. “But I suppose you know that.”

Lydia forced a smile. “Of course. And thanks for the ride.” With a quick push of her hand Lydia opened the car door and hurried toward the green mustang.

As Lydia approached, the driver's window rolled down and Rudy called out. “Hi, Lydia. So glad to see you again, love.”

Lydia choked back a response. No man had called her “love” ever before. Not even Rudy.

“Chilly tonight, isn't it?” Rudy said as she took her place in the passenger's seat.

Lydia took a quick wipe at her eyes. “
Yah
, and the wind stings a little bit. But it's warm in here.” She pulled back her coat from her shoulders, revealing her simple blue dress.

“You used to wear…” Rudy let the sentence hang as his gaze traveled down her attire.

“I'm Amish now,” she reminded him.

“I don't know how all that works,” Rudy muttered. “But you're still Lydia to me, and I'm glad you're here.”

“Did you think I wouldn't come?” Lydia tried to tease.

Rudy didn't laugh. “I feared you wouldn't, but here you are.”

Lydia tried to keep her voice lighthearted. “Yep, here I am.”

How was she to explain to Rudy what had transpired since her
rumspringa
? It wasn't possible. Rudy could never understand it all. Was she a fool to be here?

“The others are pulling out.” Rudy motioned toward the several cars in the agreed-upon caravan. “Shall we follow…or go off on our own?”

“Whatever you wish,” Lydia said. “I'm yours for the evening.”

Rudy remained sober-faced. “Lydia, I know this must be hard for you. I don't know about your life as a…whatever you call it. Let's say, your life in the community.”

“That's
goot
enough,” Lydia allowed.

Rudy nodded. “I know that whatever you did to be with me tonight, must have caused some consternation. I wouldn't ask that of you, if I didn't think it was worth it. If I didn't want it badly, Lydia. See, I've never forgotten the times we had together. They shine in my heart, and they have never dimmed.”

Lydia lowered her head and didn't answer. What was there to say? Her presence here was answer enough. Lydia waited, and finally Rudy started the car and followed the others. Only he drove slower and dropped his speed even further as they approached the edge of Ogdensburg. Bright lights glimmered in the front windows and strings of colored beads went everywhere in the yards. A huge sleigh and reindeer ran along the edge of several trees.

Lydia took a deep breath and forced herself to focus on the sights.

Rudy chuckled. “Looks like everyone is trying to outdo each other.”

Which was exactly how everyone in the community tried
not
to live, Lydia thought, but she pushed the thought away. She was here
with Rudy, and it wasn't right to bring things from her world into this moment.