A Heart Not Easily Broken (The Butterfly Memoirs) (21 page)

I should have paid for the damn book.

The repercussions of my procrastination and stubbornness were coming back to bite me. If I’d accepted Brian’s offer in the beginning, then none of this would have happened.

I would not have a failing grade in class.

I wouldn’t be a victim of Javan’s deceit.

In the end, it was my fault. I’d asked for this.

I deserved every bad thing going on in my life.

The water ran cold; making my already aching limbs hurt worse. How long had I been in the shower? Had my roommates gotten home yet?

I dragged my bruised body out of the tub and over to the bathroom mirror. Faint traces of black and blue marks emerged under my light brown skin. Javan had been merciless in his assault, taking whatever he wanted. But he’d been sure not to leave marks where they’d be visible to the world. For that I should be thankful.

I was thankful for still having my life.

One hip ached worse than the other. I rubbed it gently with the towel before twisting around to get a look. Oh, God, no…my tattoo. Javan’s humongous hand marred my dedication to Brian and our relationship. The skin around the bright blue butterfly was swollen and red.

A fresh wave of tears ran down my face. How much more crying could I do? It had been hard to drive home with bleary eyes.

Oh, God, Brian. My heart felt like it would break into a million pieces.

Only hours after promising Brian I’d be faithful, my words were no longer valid. And to think I worried about him sleeping with another woman. Now, another man…his  friend, had taken me, used me and…

Oh, God, what had I done?

I wanted to call Brian and tell him what happened and how much I needed him. My hand rested on the bathroom counter, my fingers inches away from grasping my phone.

Javan’s leering voice flooded my mind, growling, sending chills down my spine.
“Tell Brian.”
He’d smirked as he pulled his pants up. “
Go ahead; he’s not going to believe you. You cheated on him. At least that’s what I’ll say. Why would he believe you? You’re just another black slut who walked away from him to be with a brother
.”

I wanted to jump on him and beat him and gouge his eyes out for what he’d done to me, for what he’d said about me…about Brian. But what could I do? He’d already proved he could overpower me.

I could call the police and have Javan arrested. But then what?

Brian was on tour. Word would get back to him; he would break his contract and come home. His reputation would be ruined, his chances at establishing his career gone because of my mistake.

And what about our relationship? Hadn’t he just asked, no, begged me, to wait for him? He wanted to marry me and start a family.

A family. My hands immediately flew to my stomach. I could be pregnant now. Oh, no, what if I was and lost our baby due to this violent act?

My knees grew weak and forced me to lean over the counter’s edge. Now, I would be nothing but damaged goods. 

If Brian ever got wind of what happened and believed Javan’s story over mine, our relationship would be over. He’d known Javan for years; we’d only been involved for months. Brian said we needed more time to get to know each other.

If this ever came out, my unexpected chance at love would be over, gone forever. And where would that leave me? Broken hearted and alone.

Losing Brian would be far more devastating than Javan raping me. I could put this act of violence behind me and pretend it never happened.

But there would be no way to pretend our relationship never existed.

I wiped tears from my eyes and stared at my battered body. These bruises would be long gone by the time Brian came home. The blemishes would disappear, but deep down, I would never be the same.

I pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a long t-shirt.

Sudden pounding on the bathroom door made my heart jump. I gripped the counter. I’d locked the door. Could Javan have followed me home? Had Yasmine given him a key?

“Ebony, girl, you’re hogging all the hot water! Hurry up!” Yasmine’s exasperated voice filtered through the door.

Yasmine. Should I tell her? She needed to know about her man. But would she believe me?

We became best friends when we met in college. We confided in each other and connected in a way that bonded us as sisters.

She’d had her own share of relationship trials over the years, her life altered by people she’d thought were her friends. They not only used her, they went behind her back and ruined her outlook on dating. It was why she refused to be seriously involved again.

I could not risk becoming another one of the women who’d hurt her.

“
Your girl’s in love with me. If you tell her about us, you’ll become another ‘ho who used to be her friend.”

Javan had it all figured out. Who was I fooling? No one around me would believe, not even Kaitlyn. Besides, she never had been good at keeping a secret.

There was no one to confide in without them getting hurt, too.

Brian. Yasmine. Kaitlyn.

My mistake started weeks ago. The repercussions of my decision snowballed beyond belief.

I would be the only one to pay the cost for this mistake. This was my secret, my burden to bear alone.

Dressed, I gathered up my bathing supplies, balled up my torn clothes, and wrapped them in my towel out of sight of prying eyes. Yasmine leaned against the wall, tapping her toe impatiently when I opened the door.

“It’s about time. I bet the hot water’s gone,” she grumbled. “I’ve had one hell of a day. All I want to do is shower, crash in bed, and pretend this day never happened.”

I walked by, gripping my towel, unable to make eye contact. “Sorry,” I muttered. My foot crossed the threshold of my room when she stopped me.

“Look at me, being all insensitive. Are you okay?” Her voice softened.

I ran a hand over my bloodshot eyes. “I had a long day, too. Headache.”

Yasmine tilted her head and studied me. In the years we’d known each other, she’d learned to read me well. “That’s not all.” She walked over and put a hand on my aching shoulder. I flinched. “What’s really bothering you?”

For a split second, my lips parted. I nearly blurted out everything.  Oh, no, I could not go there, not now, not ever.

“You miss Brian, don’t you?” She shook her head and pulled me into her arms. I leaned in and absorbed strength from that small contact. “It’s okay. I’m sure lover boy is sitting around pining over you, too.” Yasmine smiled. “I feel the same way when I haven’t seen Javan in a few days. The crazy part is it’s been a long time since I felt that way about anyone.” She kissed my forehead and rubbed my back. “Three months will be over before you know it.”

She let go and headed for the bathroom. I stood rooted in place and leaned against the doorjamb before closing my door.

In my room, I swallowed aspirin, and climbed in bed to wrap up in the security of my sheets.

***

I awoke with a start. My heart raced, my head and body ached. It took a moment for the nightmare to dissipate and realize I was alone in my bed. But the moment I closed my eyes, images of my dream bombarded me, sending me back to that hallway.

And then I heard it, the ringing of my cell phone. I reached for it and saw Brian’s cheerful smile on the screen. My finger grazed the talk button. My need to hear his voice overwhelmed me, but if I answered now, I would spill everything and our relationship would be over.

I closed my eyes and prayed for strength as the phone continued to ring. When it stopped, I waited until it notified me of a voice mail. I held the phone and listened to his message.

“
Hey, baby, it’s me. Tonight was awesome! I wish you could have been here. I have so much to tell you, and you won’t believe everyone I’ve met. I can’t wait to talk to you. I didn’t mean to try and wake you because I know you’ve got a busy day ahead. Did you get your badge? I called Javan, but he didn’t answer. Don’t worry; I know you’ll do well in class. Just hang in there, okay? I’ll send the money in the morning. Until then, I plan on dreaming about you. Good night, Ebony. I love you.
”

Tears flooded from my eyes and the lump in my throat made it hard to swallow. I wished more than anything in this world I could have been with him tonight.

I wished I’d paid for another ID.

I wished I’d just bought the damn book in the first place.

I wished he would have had a roll of condoms and not emptied my bag on the floor.

Oh. My. God. I sat up so fast my head began to swim.

Condoms.

Javan hadn’t used any. He’d been reckless and didn’t pull out and…

I leaned over the edge of my bed and searched frantically for the trashcan. To my surprise there was still something left to vomit.

Gonorrhea. Hepatitis, Herpes, Chlamydia, AIDS.

The chances of me conceiving had just doubled.

As soon as my stomach settled, I went online and researched my options. My search lead to an over the counter morning-after pill to decrease the chances of pregnancy. The thought of taking the pill was unnerving. It would be equivalent of having an abortion.

I couldn’t live with the possibility of having Javan’s child.

But what if I already carried Brian’s?

My head spun. I needed to make a decision now. I had forty-eight hours from the time of unprotected sex to take the pill in order for it to be effective.

Brian and I had been together less than forty-eight hours ago. It had been nearly two hours since the rape.

If I were pregnant, a paternity test during the pregnancy would determine if Brian was the father. In order to have his consent, he would have to know about the rape. That could not happen.

Taking the pill meant not only killing the sperm Javan left behind; it meant killing the possible life Brian and I created. Either way I’d be killing a part of me.

If I avoided testing and kept the truth to myself, Brian would go for months being happy, thinking the baby was his and planning to be the father I knew he could be…until the baby was born. A child born looking like Javan without any hints of being the light skinned, blue-eyed bi-racial beauty I saw in my dream would let my secret out. No matter what I said, Brian would believe I cheated on him. It would be too late to tell the truth.

There was only one decision I could live with, without disrupting the lives around me.

Chapter 24

Three months later.

“Ms. Phillips, you have a call on line three.”

I sighed. “Thomas, how many times have I told you, call me Yasmine?”

The young, pimpled faced kid, who worked the front desk, blushed in my doorway. He looked like he’d pass out on the floor if I smiled at him. Talk about a teenage crush.

“I’m-m-m-… sorry, I just can’t”

What he couldn’t do was get the words out without stammering half to death. Where did my father find this guy?

“It’s okay, just send the call through.”

Thomas shut his mouth, nodded, and walked into the doorframe. He looked at me again, his face even redder from embarrassment.

I allowed a half smile, not wanting to throw too much at him for fear of having to transfer the call myself.

He responded with a dorky grin and headed back to the front desk.

The Phillips’ Family Inn had been in business since I attended high school. I’d been assistant manager of this location since graduating college. My parents sweated blood and tears to open the establishment.

 After years of planning, my great-grandmother’s death left my mother enough money and the perfect property to build their dream.

Twelve years later, there were two locations with the possibility of a third opening up next year. Talk about following your dreams.

My dream did not include running a hotel for the rest of my life.

Fashion was my thing.  I spent every free moment researching and using my family and friends as test dummies. As far as they were concerned, I became the ‘go to’ person when needing to dress for the occasion. My best friend, Ebony, was one of my better case studies. The day we met, she wore a pair of jeans and an everyday t-shirt that hid her beauty. It took a few months to break her shell.

My goal was to start a business as a fashion consultant. I had the skill, the talent, and the motivation. All I needed was time. And a location to work out of.

I chewed on my lip and pulled out my calendar. Time…time…time…

A date circled in blaring red ink made me pause. Javan and I had an anniversary coming up. Eight months. How did that happen?

Long-term relationships and I did not get along. Too many chances of happiness had turned to heartache. The last man who’d broken my heart put a nail in the coffin. Looking for love no longer interested me.

By no means was I gay; I loved men. I loved their attitudes, their style, their swagger... hell, I loved sex. A man could have me all day in any way. But my heart was forbidden. No man would ever reach there again.

Yet, somehow, Javan slipped through a loophole and planted himself there. For eight months. Most of my ‘friends with benefits’ relationships barely lasted three months.

Maybe watching Ebony and Brian’s relationship grow rubbed off on us. Especially since he left Ebony behind to follow his career. After Brian left, Javan started spending more time with me. He became interested in my mind as much as my body.

The phone rang and snapped me out of my thoughts.

“This is Yasmine Phillips, manager of the Phillips’ Family Inn.”

“Yasmine, it’s Brian, how are you?”

“Brian? How have you been? How’s the tour?”

He laughed. “Man, it’s been one of the best experiences of my life. I’ve learned a lot and met so many people.” He sighed. “But honestly, I’m ready to come home. That’s why I’m calling. We’ll be back in a week, and I want to do something special for Ebony. It’s been three months since we’ve been together and…well…” Nervous laughter came through the phone. “We need some time alone, you know? Could you hook me up with”

“Say no more. I’ve got the perfect room for you guys. It has a balcony overlooking the rose garden.”