A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (27 page)

The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal
by Bill and Ginger Bercaw.

Mapping the Terrain of the Heart: Passion, Tenderness, and the Capacity to Love
by Stephen Goldbart and David Wallin.

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
by David Schnarch.

Undefended Love
by Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons.

Other Helpful Reading

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
by Alice Miller.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
by Brené Brown.

How We Decide
by Jonah Lehrer.

The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret & Science of Happiness
by Yongey Migyur Rinpoche.

Women & Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connection
by Brené Brown.

APPENDIX B

Bibliography

Abrahms Spring, Janis.
How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To.
(New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers, 2004).

Bader, Ellyn and Pearson, Peter
. In Quest of the Mythical Mate: A Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy.
(Florence, KY: Brunner/Mazel, 1998).

Beattie, Melody.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
. (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1992).

Bercaw, Bill and Ginger.
The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal.
(Pasadena, CA: California Center for Healing, Inc., 2010).

Brown, Brené.
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.
(Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2010).

Brown, Brené.
Women & Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connection
. (Austin, TX: 3C Press, 2004).

Carnes, Patrick.
In the Shadows of the Net.
(Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2007).

Carnes, Patrick.
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction
. (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2001).

Collins, George with Adleman, Andrew
. Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn, and Shame.
(Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2011).

Crenshaw, Theresa L.
The Alchemy of Love and Lust: How Our Sex Hormones Influence Our Relationships.
(New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Inc.—Pocket Books, 1997).

Goldbart, Stephen and Wallin, David.
Mapping the Terrain of the Heart: Passion, Tenderness, and the Capacity to Love.
(Northvale, NJ: Jason Arnson, Inc., 2001).

Goldberg, Carey. “Marshmallow Temptations, Brain Scans Could Yield Vital Lessons in Self-Control.” (
Boston Globe
, Boston, MA, October 22, 2008, Metro Section, A1).

Lehrer, Jonah.
How We Decide.
(Boston, MA, and New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2009).

Levine, Amir and Heller, Rachel.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep— Love.
(New York, NY: Penguin Group, 2010).

Magness, Milton S.
Thirty Days to Hope & Freedom from Sex Addiction.
(Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press, 2011).

Migyur Rinpoche, Yongey.
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret & Science of Happiness.
(New York, NY: Three Rivers Press, 2007).

Miller, Alice.
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self.
(New York, NY: Basic Books, 2007).

Pletcher, Claudine and Bartolameolli, Sally.
Relationships from Addiction to Authenticity: Understanding Co-Sex Addiction—A Spiritual Journey to Wholeness and Serenity
. (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communication, 2008).

Psaris, Jett and Lyons, Marlena.
Undefended Love
. (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2000).

Schnarch, David.
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
. (New York, NY: Henry Holt and Co., Inc.—Owl Books, 1998).

Schneider, Jennifer P. and Burt.
Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness: Couples Speaking Out on Healing from Sex Addiction
. (Tucson, AZ: Recovery Resources Press, 2004).

Index

Abandonment issues, 147–50, 171– 72, 175, 176

Affairs, 44, 45, 53. Real persons

Are You Comfortable Seeking Support? (exercise), 218

Barbara and Christopher (sexual and emotional cheating), 55–56

Biology and sex, 7–8

Blame, 76, 96, 97, 104–5, 119, 126, 128

case history, 112–16, 125

tricks of, 112

undefended honesty 150, 151

Blazing a Trail into the Past (exercise), 182–84

Brain

instinctive responses and, 128, 129

past experiences/influences and, 166

sex and, 7–8

(story), 98

Brown, Brene, 107

Case histories

Barbara and Christopher (sexual and emotional cheating), 55–56

Charlie (undefended honesty), 147–50

Clayton (letter about porn use), 32–33

Dan (admitting the problem), 15

Ellis and Serena (support group members), 214–15

Heather and Bryan (e-mail on porn use effects), 68–70

Heather and Bryan (instinctive responses), 123–26, 127–28, 129–30, 133, 138–40

Jason and Allison (counseling), 216–18

Jeannine and Jay (blame and shame), 112–16, 125

Jeannine and Jay (pornography use), 4

Jeff (sexualization and objectification), 16–17

Joe and Maggie (trust issues), 89–90

Josh and Lisa (intimacy), 197–99

Josh and Lisa (pornography use), 50–52

Julie and Kyle (healing), 28–30

Linda and Tom (loss of sexual connection), 48–49

Marie and Jim (compulsive behavior in relationship), 46–47

Megan and Steve (trust issues), 93–94

Steven and Emily (past influences), 170–72, 174–76, 181

Tanya and Brandon (sex with another person), 53–54

William and Betsy (undefended honesty), 156–58

Charlie (undefended honesty), 147–50

Chat rooms, 44, 50, 78

Child abuse, 47, 214

Childhood issues. Past Child molestation, 44

Child Protective Services, 214

Children

exposure to pornography, 9, 89

parental sex addiction and, 32

Clayton (letter about porn use), 32–33

Commitment (exercises)

to each other, 159–60

to oneself, 35–36

Communication

exercise, 58–64

intimate, 194–96

Compassion

forgiveness and, 201

intimacy and, 192, 196, 199

for oneself, 27, 108, 140

shame, 108–9, 110–11, 114, 116–17, 118–19

undefended honesty and, 146, 147, 155

Compassionate understanding, 196, 199

Control

past influences/experiences and, 167, 173, 179

surrendering, 191–92

Co-Sex Addict Anonymous (COSA), 207

Co-sex addiction, 73, 206

Counseling, 57–58, 209–13

case history, 216–18

confidentiality of, 212

cost of, 212

what to expect during, 210–11

when to seek, 210

where to seek, 211–12

Dan (admitting the problem), 15

Dating sites, 44, 50

Delayed gratification, 126–27, 132, 155

Denial, 145–46

Disappointment, enduring, 192

Disclosure, 77–82, 94–95. Undefended honesty

Ellis and Serena (support group members), 214–15

Emotions, 22–23, 121–42. Instinctive responses

accepting (for her), 25–28, 73

avoidance of, 136

developing capacity for, 127–28

numbing, 107, 135–36

Empathy. Compassion

Exercises

Are You Comfortable Seeking Support?, 218

Blazing a Trail into the Past, 182–84

Disclosure, 77–82

Experiencing Trust, 99–100

Finding a Way to Communicate, 58–64

Making a Commitment to Each Other, 159–60

Making a Commitment to Yourself, 35–36

Seeing Behind the Mask, 37–40

Shaping Clay, 141

Taking the Road Less Traveled, 117–19

Write a Love Letter, 202

Exhibitionism, 44

Experiencing Trust (exercise), 99–100

Fantasy, 14, 17, 36, 44, 49–50, 75

intimacy 34

releasing dependence on, 31–32

Feelings. Emotions

Finding a Way to Communicate (exercise), 58–64

Forgiveness

of oneself, 27

trust and, 97, 201

Francis of Assisi, Saint, 201

Grief, 138

Guilt, 106, 107

Healing, 22, 27–30, 36–37, 179

Heather and Bryan

e-mail on porn use effects, 68–70

instinctive responses, 123–26, 127–28, 129–30, 133, 138–40

Honesty. Undefended honesty

magazine, 9

Identified patient (IP), 96

Illegal behavior, 44, 213–14

Imperfection, tolerating, 118, 157, 158–59. Perfectionism Incest, 44, 214

Independence, 191–93

Instinctive responses, 123–41

avoiding by indulging, 134–35

bridging with reason, 132–33

case history, 123–26, 127–28, 129– 30, 133, 138–40

experiencing, 132–38

good news within the bad, 130

recognizing, 129–31

value of, 131

Internet, 5, 170–71

chat rooms, 44, 50, 78

dating sites, 44, 50

pornography on ( Pornography, online)

wiping of history from, 14

Intimacy, 122–23, 189–203

case history, 197–99

collusion, collision, and collaboration in, 190–91

exercise, 202

fantasy 34

forgiveness and, 201

guidelines for healthy, positive, 57–58

merging and independence in, 191–93

reflecting and, 193–94, 195–96, 198–99

road to developing, 128–41

safety through communication, 194–96

undefended honesty and, 152

Intimate sex

emotional intimacy and, 194, 200–201

sex addiction 23–24, 72, 75, 200

Jason and Allison (counseling), 216–18

Jeannine and Jay

blame and shame, 112–16, 125

pornography use, 4

Jeff (sexualization and objectification), 16–17

Joe and Maggie (trust issues), 89–90

Josh and Lisa

intimacy, 197–99

pornography use, 50–52

Julie and Kyle (healing), 28–30

Labeling, 10–11

(story), 111

Level 1 sex addiction, 43–45, 64–65

Linda and Tom (loss of sexual connection), 48–49

Listening (to her), 33–34

Love, 71, 75

Lying, 144, 145, 150. Undefended honesty

effort required for, 154

trust broken by, 91–92, 93–94, 151

Making a Commitment to Each Other (exercise), 159–60

Making a Commitment to Yourself (exercise), 35–36

Marie and Jim (compulsive behavior in relationship), 46–47

(experiment), 126–27, 155

Massage parlors, 4–5, 45, 54, 216–17

Masturbation, 4, 11, 28, 30, 42, 47, 50, 147, 156

biological influence on desire for, 8

capacity for intimacy decreased by, 24

episodic chronic, 48

to fantasies, 14

Level 1 sex addiction and, 44

“normal” compulsive, 12–13

objectification and, 17

sex addict’s letter on, 32–33

Maternal role, casting partner in, 47–49, 55

Megan and Steve (trust issues), 93–94