A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction

A
Couple’s

A STEP - BY - STEP PLAN

Guide to

TO REBUILD TRUST &

Sexual

RESTORE INTIMACY

Addiction

PALDROM CATHARINE COLLINS AND GEORGE N. COLLINS, MA

Member of the Society for the
Advancement of Sexual Health

This book is intended as general information only, and should not be used to diagnose or treat any health condition. In light of the complex, individual, and specific nature of health problems, this book is not intended to replace professional medical advice. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this book are intended to supplement, not replace, the advice of a trained medical professional. Consult your physician before adopting any of the suggestions in this book, as well as about any condition that may require diagnosis or medical attention. The authors and publisher disclaim any liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of this book.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

—From a
Declaration of Principles
jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar
Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases. For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

We dedicate this book to our dear friend Andrew Adleman, with unending gratitude for his support, guidance, encouragement, and love.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

First, we would like to thank and acknowledge Katie Corcoran Lytle at Adams Media. This book was her brainchild and would not exist without her. Additionally, we are grateful to have been able to work with editor Jennifer Lawler, who is an accomplished writer of self-help books.

Special thanks go to all of our colleagues at Compulsion Solutions, James Gallegos, Greg Brian, and particularly Faye Reitman. Faye has been a special support in the writing of this book. For that and for everything Faye brings to our world, we are especially grateful.

We would not have been able to write this book without the support, help, and encouragement of Andrew Adleman. We often speculate that he may be a saint disguised as a skillful author and editor.

Without our teachers, counselors, and guides we would not have had the knowledge, courage, or wisdom to write this book. The words thank you seem too simple to express the fullness of our ever-deepening gratitude.

Finally, we thank our friends and clients who continue to teach and inspire us.

CONTENTS

Introduction

PART ONE
COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR NEW REALITY

Chapter 1.
sex addiction: really?

Chapter 2.
Getting Past the Shock

Chapter 3.
Sex Addiction and Your Relationship

Chapter 4.
What Does This Mean about You?

PART TWO
REBUILDING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Chapter 5.
Re-Establishing Trust on the Road to Forgiveness

Chapter 6.
Working with Shame and Blame

Chapter 7.
Working with Strong Feelings and Emotions

Chapter 8.
Undefended Honesty

Chapter 9.
Facing the Past: Taking a Sobering Look at How You Got Here

PART THREE
MOVING FORWARD

Chapter 10.
Building Intimacy

Chapter 11.
Finding Support When You Need It

Chapter 12.
The Journey Continues

Appendix A.
Additional Reading

Appendix B.
Bibliography

Index

INTRODUCTION

If you have this book in your hands, you are probably moving through a very difficult passage in your relationship. Perhaps you are certain, or maybe you suspect, that your partner has been sexually unfaithful and you are concerned that an addiction to sex has caused it. Or you may suspect that you have a problem with sexual compulsivity that is causing you to act out sexually in addictive ways that are damaging to your relationship. Your compulsive thoughts or behaviors are creating a barrier to the intimate connection you’d like to have with your partner.

Sexual addiction does not always result in infidelity to the relationship, nor is all sexual infidelity driven by sex addiction. However, sex addiction or compulsivity blocks loving intimacy inside a committed partnership.

Generally, it is the male of the couple who has an issue with sexual addiction. However, please keep in mind that women can also have these issues. Or you may be a same-sex couple. As you read, if the pronouns we are using in any of the descriptions don’t fit your situation, please adjust them. This book is for you, too.

It is probably clear to you that you are not connecting with your partner as you would like. But how can you tell if your partner is being gripped by sex addiction in some form? You may have a sense that something is wrong, but you don’t know what it might be. Some signs that sex or porn addiction may be playing a part are:

• Your partner is spending a lot of “private” time on the computer.

• He is less available, less communicative with you than he has been in the past.

• He is unusually secretive.

• He does not initiate sex.

• He frequently can’t climax sexually.

• He wants to have sex all the time; he’s never satisfied.

• You feel a lack of partnership or true intimacy.

If you or your partner is addicted to sex, then sexually compulsive behavior has caused a breach in your relationship. But you can do something about it that can create positive changes. This book is here to help you traverse the shock, the pain, the anger, the fear, and the sadness of what you have discovered and to help you as a couple navigate these troubled waters. You may feel like you are at a crossroads, and that a wrong turn will lead to more pain and suffering.

Trust your instincts. You may not know exactly where your relationship is headed right now. You may have a list of reasons why you should stay, but somehow feel you should leave. This book is written for those couples who are choosing to stay together (at least for now) to work through the difficulties of sexual addiction.

You may be able to use this stormy crisis to make your relationship closer, deeper, and more intimate. But even if you eventually choose to leave, both partners can still benefit from understanding the dynamics that have gotten you to this point in your lives.

At this juncture, even though you may be choosing to stay in the relationship, you probably have many thoughts, feelings, and questions swirling through your head.

Questions for you may include:

• How can I be with this man after what he’s done?

• How do I know he won’t do it again?

• How do I not monitor his every move?

• How can I ever trust him again?

• Why didn’t I recognize and acknowledge what was going on before now?

Questions for him may include:

• Can she ever forgive me?

• Can I forgive myself?

• How can I possibly be with this woman?

• How can I be with her after the rush of what I have been doing?

Reading the information presented here and working through the exercises will help you find your way to the answers not only to these questions but also to the questions that will arise as you learn more about sexual compulsion/addiction and how that plays inside your relationship dynamic.

Work through the exercises in the book gradually. Rushing doesn’t help. It takes time to unravel and rebuild your relationship. Be compassionate and patient with yourself and your partner. And yes, this book will show you how to do that, too!

The examples, anecdotes, stories, letters, and e-mails you will find in this book are fictionalized composites of the individuals and couples we have known and worked with. We have made every effort to maintain anonymity. If a story seems to be the account of someone you know, it could be due to the fact that the details of sexual compulsion are so common and pervasive, with very familiar patterns.

In Part 1 of the book, “Coming to Terms with Your New Reality,” we will look at some basic facts about sex addiction and how to live through the initial discovery of the problem of sexual compulsivity in your relationship. In Part 2, “Rebuilding Your Relationship,” we will explore the skills and tools you will need to put the pieces of your partnership back together and to deepen your relationship. Finally, in Part 3, “Moving Forward,” we will look at ways to deepen intimacy both emotionally and sexually and how to find outside support if you need it.

PART ONE

COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR NEW REALITY

CHAPTER 1

Sex Addiction: Really?

Jeannine and Jay, both divorced, met when they were in their late thirties. For almost three years, they had what they felt was a magical relationship. Jeannine had never had such a fulfilling sexual connection as the one she had with Jay.

It was after she’d invited Jay’s mother for an extended stay that their sex life seemed to grind to a halt. Jay started staying later and later at work—or so he claimed. The truth was that he was going out for a couple of drinks with his coworkers, then returning to the office to look at porn and masturbate. Though Jay felt ashamed and embarrassed about what he was doing, he didn’t understand what was happening or how to stop. He longed to find a way to reconnect with Jeannine, but didn’t know how. They began to fight more and more often, over what seemed to be minor matters.

Finally, Jeannine confronted Jay. She told him she didn’t know exactly what he was doing at work every night, but she was pretty sure he was having an affair. She told him she was unwilling to live this way and asked him to move out—she was finished. After first denying that anything was going on, Jay finally told her about the porn. He confessed that although he kept promising himself he wouldn’t go back to view more porn, each night he did. He admitted that he didn’t understand how he had gotten so caught up in the porn.

Discovering Sexual Compulsivity in Your relationship

Every day we get phone calls and e-mails from individuals and couples who are experiencing infidelity in their relationships, whether through affairs, excessive viewing of porn (while masturbating), engaging prostitutes, visiting massage parlors that specialize in sexual massage, indulging in sexually intriguing chats online or in e-mails, or through some other form of compulsive sexual expression. When they discover what is happening, they feel betrayed. Many say they feel as if they have run with full force into a brick wall. A period of shock—for both partners—often follows. Being discovered as a sexual addict can be as difficult as discovering your partner is a sexual addict. Certainly not every betrayal is due to sexual compulsivity or addiction, but a pattern of betrayal may include sex addiction as a factor.