known he couldn’t change Victor’s mind and he’d wanted Victor to remember a good
experience instead of a bad, self-indulgent scene in a cheesy college apartment.
Victor smiled and gave him a hug. He whispered, “I love you,” into his ear. “Be
strong. I’ll be in touch soon. I promise.”
When he was gone, young Carl took a deep breath. He clenched his fists and
stood very still in the middle of the room. Donna placed the cream on the counter and
tiled her head to the side. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “You don’t look good.” Tears streamed down his face; his legs started to quiver. She crossed to where he
was standing and reached for his arm. “Come over and sit down,” she said. “What
happened between you two? You’re a mess.”
When he sat down on the sofa, he fell into her arms and sobbed with such violent
jerks the entire sofa trembled. And when he stopped sobbing, he told her everything. He
told her he was in love with Victor; he told her he was gay. He didn’t go into details, but
he told her about Victor’s father catching them together and how he’d threatened to cut
Victor off without a dime if Victor didn’t go to Europe. Then he told her his life was over.
Older Carl stood over them and watched Donna’s expression very carefully.
When all this had happened, he’d been too emotional to notice her reaction. She held
young Carl in her arms and caressed the back of his head. She told him it was all right,
and that everything would work out for the best. Though she was in love with him, she
didn’t judge him for being gay, and she didn’t question his love for Victor. And while
younger Carl sobbed on her shoulder, gentle tears rolled down her face.
Carl turned to the Ghost and clenched his fists. “This is outright cruel,” he said. “I
want to leave. I’m over it. I want to go home, get into my bed, and shout Merry fucking
Christmas to me.” Before this night, he had no idea Donna had been in love with him.
He’d been too in love with Victor to notice.
The Ghost of Christmas Past lifted the black glove and said, “We have more to do
to and not much time.”
Chapter Six
When Carl opened his eyes, he and the Ghost were standing near the corner of
95
th
Street and Riverside Drive. It was broad daylight, the sidewalk was slushy with wet
snow, and Carl was still naked.
An older woman wearing a dark coat stepped out of an apartment building and
said to her doorman, “I’ll be gone for a few days. Have a good holiday, Ralph.” Then she
handed him an envelope and smiled. There was a small gold Christmas tree pin on her
lapel.
Carl and the Ghost were only a few feet from the woman. “They still can’t see
me?” Carl asked the Ghost.
The Ghost nodded no.
Carl looked around to see if anything looked familiar. He rarely ever went to the
Upper West Side, and when he did it was usually for an auction or estate sale. If the
woman hadn’t wished the doorman a happy holiday, Carl wouldn’t have known it was
Christmastime. There were no wreaths on the doors; there were no lit Christmas trees in
the windows. He looked at the Ghost and shrugged his shoulders. “Why are we here? I
don’t know anyone on the Upper West Side. At least I don’t think I do.”
The Ghost turned and pointed toward Riverside Drive.
Carl looked beyond the heavy traffic flowing across Riverside Drive and saw a
young woman walking a baby carriage in Riverside Park at the 95
th
Street entrance. At
first, he didn’t recognize the woman. But when he looked closer and saw her face, he realized it was Donna Fratelli. Carl rubbed his jaw and said, “Why would Donna be here?
Did she move to New York?”
He had no idea as to what had become of Donna. The day after Victor Briarwood
left for Europe, Carl packed his bags and left his hometown for good. He went back to
college and slowly severed ties with everyone he’d ever known, including Donna. He did
this on purpose; he didn’t want anything to remind him of Victor. Carl and Donna
corresponded for the first few weeks, with cards and letters. But when Carl didn’t receive
anything from Victor after the first month, he stopped eating, he grew reclusive, and all
he wanted to do was sleep. He would have contacted Victor, but he had no way of
knowing where he was. And he couldn’t contact Victor’s father.
When he finally started to feel better, he decided to put this dark part of his life
behind him and focus on the future. Though he didn’t wear a rainbow flag on his lapel, he
didn’t anymore hide the fact that he was gay. After the night he’d admitted his sexuality
to Donna, he’d felt stronger. He looked people in the eye and defied them to screw
around. He hooked up with guys for sex without feeling guilty. But the minute a man
started to get serious, he drifted away from him. Carl even switched his major in college
from business to art history. He focused on school and started collecting things. He
bought pottery, collectible porcelain, and crystal objects at tag sales. Then he sold them
for triple the price he’d paid at flea markets.
While he was learning how to buy and sell antiques, he discovered something
interesting. Money made him smile. It never let him down, it wasn’t difficult to obtain,
and he could always depend on it. And that’s where he focused all his energy. After those first few weeks of correspondence with Donna, he stopped opening
her letters. He stared at them for a few minutes, felt his stomach tighten, and then he
threw them away, unread. And he never responded to her; he cut off all contact with his
past and disappeared. Weeks without communication turned into months, and Donna’s
letters grew father apart, until they stopped coming altogether. In a year’s time, he
realized it was pointless to hold on to the past. He knew deep down that Victor was never
going to contact him again, and he figured Donna was better off without someone like
him complicating her life. He’d always just assumed she’d meet a man, get married, and
start a family.
Carl left the Ghost on 95
th
Street and crossed Riverside Drive. He didn’t have to
worry about traffic; he ran across the street and right through the passing cars. When he
reached the other side, Donna was standing on the sidewalk waiting for the traffic light to
change. Her hair was still cut in the same pageboy style, her jeans were still too tight, and
she was wearing a red wool jacket with a large round Christmas tree pin on the collar.
The only thing different about her was the baby carriage.
The baby in the carriage started to cry. Donna leaned forward and said, “We’ll be
home in a minute, Carl. I promise, sweetie. Mommy knows you’re hungry.” Then she
smoothed out the baby blanket and jiggled a set of keys over the baby’s head.
When Carl looked up, the Ghost was standing next to him. Carl glared at the
ghost and said, “Donna has a baby? And the baby’s name is Carl?”
Then the baby’s screams became louder. He clenched his small fists and started to
kick. When Donna saw that the baby had kicked his cover sideways, she reached down
and pulled the cover from his body to reposition it correctly so he wouldn’t get a chill. While she was shaking the cover, Carl looked into the carriage. He pressed his
palm to his mouth and gasped. Donna’s baby only had one leg.
Donna placed the small cover over the baby and said, “Now just calm down, Carl.
I swear, sometimes you’re just like your father was. You get all worked up over nothing
and you don’t know how to calm down.” Then she leaned forward and kissed him on the
nose. She smiled and said, “But you are the sweetest little thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Is that my child?” Carl shouted to the Ghost, pointing at the baby carriage. He
knew Donna couldn’t hear him. Then he started counting the months. If he and Donna
had conceived a child on Christmas Day, and this was one year later, then that child
would be just about the same age as the baby in the carriage. And she’d named him Carl,
too. Carl lifted his fists and shook them. “Tell me right now. Is this my child?”
While he was shaking his fists at the ghost, the traffic light changed and Donna
crossed into the street. Carl turned to follow them. He wanted to know where she lived;
he wanted to see the baby again. But when Donna reached the middle of the street, an
older man carrying shopping bags filled with wrapped Christmas gifts grabbed the baby
carriage. It all happened fast; Christmas packages flew up in the air and landed all over
Riverside Drive. The man pulled the baby carriage away from Donna and ran toward the
sidewalk as fast as he could. Before Donna even had a chance to scream for help, a
speeding taxi cab, swerving and weaving from one side of the road to the other, smacked
into her body.
Carl stood there watching all this, with his arms stretched out and his mouth wide
open. Carl saw the taxi hit Donna from the side and there was nothing he could do; he
watched her small body go up in the air and land sideways on the street. When the right side of her head hit the pavement, her neck snapped, her tongue fell out of her mouth, and
a thin line of blood trickled out of her left ear. Her eyes were open, as if she were still
staring at the baby carriage on the other side of the street.
Then Carl looked across the street. The older man must have seen the taxi
coming. He had just saved the baby’s life and now he was standing on the corner rocking
the baby carriage with one hand and holding his palm to his chest with the other.
The Ghost of Christmas Past lifted the black glove and said, “It’s time to leave.”
Carl gave him a look. “I can’t leave now. What about Donna? What will happen
to the baby? He’s my son.” He stepped back and extended both arms. He lifted his hand
and shouted. “I’m not leaving them.”
“It’s time to leave,” the Ghost repeated. Then the black glove went up and
touched the side of Carl’s face.
A moment later, Carl and the Ghost were standing in a dark parking lot. There
was snow on the ground and Carl could hear the sound of traffic moving in the distance.
He looked around to see if anything was familiar. On his left, there was a flat brick
building surrounded by tall street lights. The inside of the building was a lit up and there
was huge fake Christmas wreath on a large glass door. On his right, there was a long line
of tractor-trailers and a few parked cars. He blinked a few times and took a deep breath.
He recognized this place. It was a secluded highway rest stop not far from where he’d
gone to college. After Victor left for Europe, Carl went to the rest stop for anonymous
sex. The first time he went there was the Christmas after Victor’s father caught them in
the back seat of the car. “What on Earth are we doing here?” Carl asked the Ghost. His voice was low and
weak. He was still wondering about Donna and the baby named Carl.
The ghost pointed to a small car parked behind a large tractor-trailer. A young
man in a black leather coat and heavy black boots got out of the car and slowly walked a
few feet to a trash can in front of the truck’s cab. The young man stood in front of the
trash can, hesitated for a minute, then tossed a piece of paper into the can.
Carl took a few steps forward so he could get a better look at the young man.
When he was only a few feet away, he noticed the young man wasn’t wearing pants. The
black leather coat was belted at the waist and it stopped short at the tops of his legs. Carl
looked at the young man’s face and realized he was gazing at a younger version of his
own face again. Then he remembered going to the truck stop that night, hoping to find a
lover who could help get him through the most difficult Christmas of his life. He’d only
worn black boots and a black leather coat. Beneath that coat, he was totally naked.
“I want to leave,” Carl said. “I don’t want to watch this.” Normally, this wouldn’t
have bothered him. Carl had always practiced safe sex, he was an adult, and he’d never
played games with the men he’d been with. Anonymous safe sex had comforted him in
his darkest hours. But now that he knew about Donna and his son, watching all this made
his stomach churn. Suddenly, the context of the entire scene had changed from casual,
naughty fun to creepy and pathetic dysfunction. Carl felt sick to his stomach, and his
knees were weak. While Donna had been lying in a morgue somewhere, and his son was
in the custody of complete strangers, he’d been out cruising rest stops to have anonymous
