Then Joan crossed toward Carl and handed him the keys to his shop. “All the
paperwork from the chair is on your desk, Mr. Smite. I gave the check to my boss, the
director of this shelter. And thank you again for such a generous donation. We really
needed it.”
“I told you to call me by my first name, Joan,” Carl said. “After all, we are
neighbors.” Then he put his arm around her and patted her shoulder.
Joan gave Able a look, then smiled and said, “Okay, Carl.” There was an
awkward hesitation—she pronounced the C in Carl longer than she should have.
A minute later, Victor was standing in the kitchen doorway. He was wearing a
white shirt, faded jeans, and a dark blazer. The same white cane Carl had seen with the
Ghost was in Victor’s right hand and he held the door frame with his left. The scarf that
Carl had given him so many years ago was around his neck. Victor looked so good that
Carl suddenly felt awkward and inferior. He hadn’t shaved that morning, his socks didn’t
match, and he hadn’t even bothered to see what his hair looked like all day. For all he
knew, it was sticking out on the sides. He knew Victor couldn’t actually see how he
looked, but if he’d had more time he would have at least combed his hair.
Carl moved to where Victor was standing. He smiled and wiped a tear from his
eye. When he reached out to touch Victor’s arm, he cleared his throat and said, “Merry
Christmas, Victor. It’s been a long time. You haven’t changed much at all.” Victor lowered his eyebrows. “It
is
you, Carl,” he said. “When they told me the
name on the check and that you were actually Able’s boss, I wasn’t sure. I thought it
might have been a coincidence. It has been such a long time.”
Joan leaned forward and tilted her head to the side. “You two know each other,
Victor?”
“I didn’t want to say anything, Joan, because I wasn’t sure if it really was the
same Carl Smite,” Victor said. “So I decided to remain quiet, hoping this mysterious Carl
Smite would eventually show up so I could thank him in person.”
Carl gazed at Victor and smiled. He was still holding Victor’s arm, and he
couldn’t stop staring at his handsome face. “We go back a long way, Joan. We grew up
together,” Carl said. He wanted to tell her Victor was the only man he’d ever loved. But
he thought it was too soon for that. He wasn’t sure how Victor still felt about him, and he
didn’t want to embarrass Victor by putting him on the spot in front of his workers. Also,
he didn’t know whether or not Victor was living his life as an openly gay man. He didn’t
want to “out” him in public and go against the unspoken rule that gay men didn’t do that
to each other.
Able reached for the dirty dishes and placed them on a tray. He shook his head
and said, “Weird. You two were actually friends.”
Victor smiled. “We were more than that, Able. We were lovers in college, and we
haven’t seen each other in fifteen years.”
Carl smiled; he wanted the entire world to know he’d been Victor’s lover. He
stared at Victor’s soft lips and said, “We were the best.” Able almost dropped the dishes. Joan pressed her palm to her throat and gasped.
They both looked at Victor and Carl, then at each other. “We should finish up these
tables,” Joan said. “C’mon, Able, let’s leave them alone for a while.” They already knew
Carl and Victor were gay, but from the shocked expressions on their faces, it looked as if
they couldn’t picture a gentle man like Victor Briarwood making love to an obnoxious
man like Carl Smite.
Carl and Victor weren’t paying attention to them anymore. They didn’t even
notice Joan was practically dragging Able out of the room because he couldn’t stop
staring at them. Carl reached for the scarf around Victor’s neck and said, “I can’t believe
you still have this old thing. It’s falling apart. I’ll have to get you a new one.”
“It makes me feel warm,” Victor said. “Sometimes, when I hold it to my face, I
think I can still smell you.” Then he leaned the white cane against the wall and reached
for Carl’s hand. He touched Carl’s ring finger and smiled. “You still have the ring I gave
you.”
“Yes,” Carl said, “This is the first time I’ve worn it since that last night we were
together. But I’ve kept it in a safe place for years. For a long time, it hurt too much to
look at it. So I put it away for safekeeping.” When Victor touched his finger, Carl felt his
pants getting tighter. His breathing increased. He wanted to wrap his arms around
Victor’s wide shoulders and wrap his legs around Victor’s waist.
Victor released Carl’s hand. “When Joan told me about the check, I was afraid to
even consider the possibility that you were the same Carl Smite that had given the
donation. And when Able said you were his mean, vicious boss who wouldn’t let him leave early, I was certain you couldn’t be the same man that I once knew. The Carl Smite
I knew was kind and generous to a fault.”
Carl shrugged his shoulders. “I’m afraid everything Able told you about me is
true. I’m not proud of the way I’ve been. But I’m hoping I can get another chance.” Then
he put his arms around Victor, hugged him tightly, and asked, “Can we go for coffee or
something? I’d like to be alone and talk.”
Victor hugged him and took a deep breath. When he stepped back, he shouted,
“Able, can you and Joan handle things around here? I’d like to leave now.”
Able shouted from the kitchen, “No problem. We’re fine. Have a good night, and
Merry Christmas.”
* * * *
They walked to a small diner a few blocks away from the shelter. Carl put his arm
through Victor’s and they talked the entire time. In the diner, Carl told Victor about
Donna Fratelli and his son, but he couldn’t go into details for obvious reasons. He
couldn’t start talking about ghosts. He just said he’d lost touch with Donna years ago and
he’d only recently learned he had a son. And when he spoke about his past, he didn’t go
into great detail there either. He just said that he’d worked hard to become a successful
antiques dealer and that he’d made a few mistakes along the way. And now he wanted to
correct the mistakes. He also told Victor he’d had no idea that Victor was the director of
the homeless shelter until Christmas Eve. He said Able had mentioned Victor’s name in
conversation and he knew it had to be the same Victor Briarwood he’d known. Able
hadn’t mentioned Victor’s name, but Carl had to say something convincing. Victor didn’t go into detail about his past either. He told Carl about his accident
and how he’d lost his sight. He said he hadn’t spoken to his father or anyone in his family
for fifteen years. After the accident, while he was still in the hospital recovering, he came
out of the closet and openly admitted his sexuality. He was contentious about it, doing it
to get even with them for sending him to England. His family refused to accept his
lifestyle. His father had wanted to send him to a psychiatrist and his mother had wanted
to send him to a monastery. So Victor cut off all contact, moved to San Francisco alone,
and built his own life without his family or their money.
When they were leaving the diner, Carl stopped walking. He faced Victor and
asked, “Why didn’t you get in touch with me after the accident? I would have been there
for you. I would have dropped everything and I would have gone to England.” He had to
ask. The question kept turning in his mind. “All it would have taken was one letter.”
Victor lowered his head and frowned. “It was a very dark time, Carl. I felt cheated
and worthless. I didn’t want you to see me that way. And I didn’t want to ruin your life
with my blindness.” Then he sighed and said, “It was a huge mistake, though. If I could
go back and do things again, I wouldn’t do them the same way. You would have been the
first to know. It’s just that when you’re young, you tend to take things less seriously then
when you’re older.”
Carl smiled and reached for his arm. “There’s always another chance, Victor.
Let’s not talk about the past anymore. Let’s talk about the present and look forward to the
future.” Victor frowned. “We can’t ignore the fact that I’m blind, Carl. I’ll never see
again. My blindness rules my life. There aren’t many people who would want to deal
with that.”
Carl stopped walking. He pulled Victor’s arm. “It’s
not
an issue with me. And
don’t
ever
say that again. You’re still the same wonderful man whom I fell in love with
years ago. You’re still the same man with whom I’ve been in love with all my life.
Maybe it’s too soon to say that after all these years. But I don’t care. I’m not letting you
get away again.”
Victor reached for Carl’s hand and smiled. “Where are we right now? I’ve lost
track of everything tonight. I’m usually more aware of my surroundings. I’m totally self
sufficient.”
“We’re only a few blocks from my shop,” he said. “I own the building and I live
upstairs. Let’s go there tonight.”
Victor laughed. “It doesn’t sound like your intentions are pure, Carl. It sounds like
you’re trying to embrace
coitus
with me.”
When Victor said the word
coitus
, Carl laughed so hard he started coughing. He
hadn’t heard that ridiculous, awful word since the last time he’d been with Victor. He
reached for Victor’s arm and said, “You’ll just have to judge my
coital
intentions for
yourself in the morning.”
Chapter Fifteen
On the way to Carl’s building, it felt as if no time had passed between them.
Victor put his arm around Carl’s waist and he kept trying to put his hand down Carl’s
pants. The first time it happened Carl’s eyebrows went up and he blinked. Carl knew he
was horny, so he put his arm around Victor’s waist and leaned into his warm body. He
pressed his palm on Victor’s chest and said, “If you keep this up, people are going to
think we’re a couple of perverts. And we haven’t seen each other in years. We
should
be
acting like strangers. At least that’s how most people would react in a situation like this.”
Victor grabbed his ass and said, “But we aren’t strangers and we’ve never been
‘most’ people. We were intense lovers. All you had to do was touch me with one finger
and I got aroused. Besides, I have to hold on to you. I have an excuse. I can’t see and you
have to lead the way.”
“Then why does it feel as if you’re leading
me
?” Carl whispered. But he wasn’t
complaining. There were other people walking on the streets, and Carl didn’t care what
they thought. With Victor’s arm around his waist, he felt safe and warm, as if nothing bad
could ever happen to him again.
By the time they reached Carl’s building, Victor’s arm was under Carl’s coat and
his hand was working its way down the back of Carl’s pants. Carl reached into his
pocket for his keys and said, “Be good now and get your hand out of my pants. There’s a
long flight of steps and I don’t want you to fall. What if Able and Joan saw us? Her
tearoom is right across the street.” Victor rubbed his stubble on Carl’s neck and kissed his earlobe. “I think Able has
a crush on you. He said he thinks you’re very attractive.”
Carl laughed. “Able has been making advances toward me for the last year. But
he’s not my type. Besides, I’m already interested in someone very special.” He opened
the door and said, “Be careful. The stairs are steep.”
Victor pulled his hand out of his pants and said, “Just give me directions and tell
me what to look for. Tell me how many steps there are. I know how to get around very
well. I won’t fall.”
Carl unlocked the front door, counted quickly, and told him there were fifteen
steps. Victor went first; he didn’t waver and he didn’t miss a single step. When they
reached to top, Carl took his hand and walked him to his bedroom. He explained where
they were going, which way to turn, and how to navigate around furniture. There were no
rugs; the floor was hardwood. Victor reached for door frames and walls without making
it look difficult. Carl watched closely to make sure he didn’t trip, and he was amazed at
how independent Victor had become. If he hadn’t known Victor was blind, he would
have had to look twice to actually detect it.
When they reached the bedroom, Victor said, “I was expecting to climb more
steps. This was easy.”
Carl led him to the edge of the bed and said, “There are two more floors to the
