A Captivating Conundrum (37 page)

Watching his chest rise and fall with the machine that made that hideous squealing noise, I had been void of emotion…until they'd shut everything off. They'd said that 'the end' would take a long time; that when Dad was removed from the respirator there would be hours where he would simply hang on as if trying to decide whether the light was better than the dark. 

We all spoke to him. We said we loved him. And then a nurse appeared with a table that was stacked with snacks and drinks. I was sick then; it was like being served from the concession stand so you were well prepared when the horror movie came on and you began screaming at the top of your lungs. Or, maybe, the purpose of that table was to have something to throw—at each other, at the nurse, at the ceiling—
something
to have in your hand when the anger overtook you. 

But when the machine had stopped, Dad stopped. He'd already gone. He was probably just waiting to be freed from the breathing mechanism in order to go find his peace. He wanted to relax, I suppose. Hanging on was hard work; after a while it becomes too hard to bear…

I placed my head on Matt's shoulder as he sat down beside me in one of those hideous chairs. They reminded me of the seats in 'coach' where you had to turn your body into a pretzel twist and then sit for hours, usually with a person beside you who wanted nothing more than to regale you with how wonderful they were before asking you on a date, for your advice on their marriage, their business, children—anything to annoy you.

The airplane was a lot like the hospital—a place where you sit with strangers and wait, pray and listen to people's dreams and absolute fears.

The 'whoosh' came from the interior doors, and I stood up. Everyone did. Some of Jerry's older friends struggled but they got there, balancing themselves on their canes as they prayed for good news.

The doctor, in his pristine white coat and slightly greasy hair, looked like a character from a soap opera. He walked with power, as if he'd earned the respect he should always be given. His face was a mask of compassion—the mask that said, "Sorry, guys. I tried, but what are you gonna do? That's life."

Then the speech came, "It was hard…he went peacefully. But the heart simply gave out…" and then my legs did.

I didn't feel anything or see anything but Matt. His arms went around me, I heard the 'whoosh' of the door, I felt the car's leather seat underneath me, and I heard Matt's very soothing voice telling me that 'he had me.'

In fact, he kept repeating that all the way home. "Don't worry, I got you."

~***~

I stood up and walked toward the house, but instantly Matt's arms were there again, carrying me over the threshold and back into the room that was—just a few short hours ago—a dream come true. I wondered why things had to change so fast. Would it be so bad for the dream to last just a little bit longer before yet another nightmare was inserted into your life? Just a few extra minutes of love and light? I think it would be nice to allow us to feel as if the world was perfectly spinning on its axis before another of life's asteroids pummeled you into the ground.

Taking off my jacket, Matt laid me down on the bed. I was so cold. The day outside was sunny, bright and beautiful, yet I felt like a true Connecticut nor'easter had just hit, bringing with it the most violent winds you could possibly imagine. A small shot of warmth came back when Matt lay down beside me. Rolling me on my side, he put his arms around my waist and pulled me against him so tight that it felt as if we were just two people on a raft riding out that storm together. And then, his beautiful voice began to sing.

When I closed my eyes all I could see was Jerry and Missy back together again, wrapped in each other's arms as they twirled across the dance floor enjoying Matt's exquisite tribute.

Twenty-Nine

~ His ~

I couldn't take my eyes off Beth. I felt almost like an expectant father watching his wife in the last few days before his child would come into the world.

I'd seen those laborious moments up close and personal in my youth, and the only difference between those 'soon-to-be-dads' and me at this moment, was the fact that there was no smile on my face. The only expectation I had, the only prayer I was saying, was for Beth to come back to me. I wanted her smile to return. I wanted her vibrant spirit to fill the house again. And I needed her to eat something before she ended up in the ER. 

I sat with her in the library while her brain went to another place for three days. I have no idea where she was; she just kept on typing, as if speaking to someone else. Sometimes I would look up from the T.V. or the book in my lap, and catch her staring at me. Those deep brown eyes were studying me as if every movement and every breath was something she needed to witness.

Bobby and Chris would come in and out. We would gather at the kitchen table and talk about ideas as to how to lure Beth back to the present.

"It's therapeutic, man." Bobby told me, staring down the hall through the open door. "Beth's a writer and she's had a hard hit. When she writes she has something to say…she
needs
to say it."

"Can't she just talk to me? To us?" I asked.

Bobby gave a slight nod. "She can and she will, but for now this is personal and private between her and Jerry."

As I sat back in the kitchen chair and sighed, his gaze flicked back and forth between me and Chris, who was sitting on a stool at the counter nursing yet another cup of coffee.

"You know," Bobby began. "You're top men to actually put your lives on hold and stay here during all this." 

What?
My brain screamed, completely confused.

Chris stood up and patted him on the shoulder, although all I wanted to do was smack Bobby on the back of his head. I cleared my throat. "What did you just say?"

"Well, you two haven't exactly known us very long." Bobby smiled. "In fact, in the scheme of things, you don't really know us at all. For you to stay here, help Beth—that makes you really top men in my book."

My fists tightened by my side. "Are you out of your fuckin mind?"

Bobby's eyes grew wide. "I was giving you a compliment."

"A
compliment
?" I stood up, grasping the counter so that I didn't suddenly haul off and knock my love's best friend's teeth down his throat. Taking a deep breath, I caught his eyes with mine. "I may not have been around a long time…yet. But I love that woman. And what I don't know, I intend on spending the rest of my life learning all about. There is NO place that I would be other than here. Beth is my life."

Bobby remained silent; he just nodded at me as if in apology.

"And you are mine," Chris's voice was strong, as he told him exactly what Bobby and Beth seemed to have missed along the way.

Bobby stared at Chris with a look that I'd only seen in the mirror whenever I thought about Beth and what our future would be like.

I tried to offer a supportive smile, but all I could manage was a non-threatening voice. "In other words, Bobby—you and Beth are stuck with both of us whether you like it or not."

"Thank God for that," Bobby whispered.

A car sped up the driveway so fast that the three of us almost missed Beth as she came down the stairs. Obviously she'd abandoned her office long before we thought she had. 

I stood up to go to her, but she threw open the door and caught what looked like a huge ball being thrown from outside.

Hearing the voice, my heart practically exploded with joy. 

"Star!"

With Amber came new air and, literally—with just one word—had returned Beth's smile to the place it rightfully belonged. Whatever she'd been writing was done; Jerry was gone but life was moving on, and Beth's stunning smile was the true tribute to the man who'd been her father for the past few years.

Beth giggled as Amber knocked her down once again. Unfortunately my lap wasn't there this time around and Beth landed hard on the wood, laughing and tickling her favorite friend who was already curled up in her 'Star's' arms and babbling excitedly.

I leaned against the door frame and watched the scene.

"Are you okay?" Amber stopped laughing and put her arms around Beth's neck.

Pulling her close, Beth replied, "Everything's okay now, hon."

As those beautiful eyes stared right at me, Beth sent me a smile that I'd missed more than a drowning man misses land. 

Beth winked. "Matt was the one who told me everything would be all right. And you know what?" Amber pulled back and stared up at her. "He was absolutely right. Pretty smart guy, huh?"

Amber giggled. Jumping up, she rushed at me and slammed into my legs.

"Boy, you are a powerful lady." I bent down and picked up the little girl in my arms, gratefully accepting her hug and kiss. 

"Thank you for taking care of Star," she whispered. "She's my best friend."

"You're welcome," I whispered back. "I want to take care of her for a long, long time."

"Really?" Amber glanced at Beth across the room. She was looking at the two of us like we were conspirators, wondering what our private conversation was all about. As the little one looked back at me her eyes grew wide.

Quickly I put a finger to my lips. "Shhh. It's our secret."

Chris popped around the corner. "Uh, oh! We all better tape pillows to our backsides because the girl is here who will rough us up!"

Amber giggled. 

"Ain't that the truth!" Bobby walked toward us with a big smile. "Frankly, I say forget Broadway and try out as a fullback for the Packers. God knows they need one and you can hit solid! A guaranteed Lombardi trophy in the making," he said, taking Amber from my arms. "Give Uncle Bobby a kiss!"

I actually felt sad as Amber went on to bring joy to other people in the house. Shaking the strange feeling from my head, I walked over to Beth and reached out a hand. Pulling her up from the floor, I took her in my arms, replacing one amazing lady with another. "It's good to see you again."

"Why did you stay?"

I looked at her as if she was the very last loon to fly the nest. "What is it with you and Bobby? Were you dropped on your heads when you were little? Or, have you both just stared too long at a computer and it's fried your brains?"

Beth remained quiet.

"Where on
earth
would I go?"

"This wasn't your problem, Matt. I would have understood if…"

This time I covered her mouth with my hand. "Maybe I didn't make things clear enough for you. And since you've been through a horrible time I won't even get mad at having to repeat myself. I am in
love
with you, Beth Carrier. I want to be the person who is
always
there for everything. Good, bad, dull, exciting—you name it, I want to be the one who's holding your hand when it happens. And I want you to be the person beside me…always."

Taking a deep breath, I suddenly realized that the rest of the room had gone completely quiet. No one spoke. Beth just stared up at me as if trying to take in my declaration. There was still another line to my speech, although a marriage proposal right after a mourning period really didn't scream romance to me. 

"Star!" As always, the child was the only smart one in the room. "Did you hear him? I think he loves you."

Beth laughed and placed her head against my chest.

I smiled over at Amber. "I think you're right."

Pushing against Bobby's chest, he set her down and Amber ran straight at the two of us. "YAY, Star! Maybe we'll both get families soon. You'll get one with Matt."