A Captivating Conundrum (32 page)

I raised an eyebrow. "Handsome?"

Her gaze went back to the two chairs. "It was the late eighties, I was totally stuck on John Hughes movies, and he looked like Judd Nelson in
The Breakfast Club
. Need I say more?"

The laughter came from my soul. "Yeah, I blame that time period for a lot."

Beth slapped my knee. "Right? Damn those people. I blame Heavy Metal hair bands for this," she added, fluffing her amazing head of hair. 

Taking off her leather coat, Beth pulled down the shoulder of her shirt. I wondered somewhere in my mind if I was being offered a taste of what I was craving every second of the day. But then I saw the small writing and leaned in. "A tattoo? What does
Crue
mean?"

"That was my nickname in school. Motley Crue was my favorite band."

"Very cool." I offered a sly grin. "Any others hidden away?"

She just smiled.

A lightning bolt felt as if it ricocheted inside me as I found myself wondering what else could be found on that stunning body if years of private study were offered to me. I swallowed hard. "You wanna know what I got from the eighties?"

"Absolutely."

Immediately I began to bring forth the rapper buried deep inside me, as I gave Beth a show of my best pop and lock, breakdancing moves ever created.

Beth clapped and screamed when the performance was over.

Sitting back down beside her, I felt the 'older' bones and muscles remind me that I wasn't eighteen anymore.

"Nice," Beth said. "See? We're both cool."

"The masks we wore?"

She slapped me on the chest. "Heck, no! James Dean was my idol. We could've hung out together." Leaning in fast, she kissed my cheek; too fast for me to move my neck and capture those amazing lips, which was all I wanted to do. "I still am cool, sweetheart." She winked.

"So…you were in love in a small town. And?"

Without a second thought, she continued, "I got pregnant. It wasn't one of those high school things. I was twenty, in fact, before I'd let him in.

"Made him suffer, huh?" I couldn't believe how open she was being, but part of me was waiting for the tragedy that I knew had to have come along.

"I think you've already come to the conclusion that 'easy' isn't one of my traits."

I sighed. "Don't I know it."

"Hey, mister! I'm a lady," she reprimanded me in a sweet voice.

I took the soft hand as it came at my chest and this time held on. I brushed my thumb against the silky skin and moved my gaze back to her face. "What happened? Adoption?"

She sighed. "No. I was going to be a Mom. But I was looking at it in a way different light than he was."

I waited.

"I looked at it like he and I would become a family, hit the road, see the world and never miss a moment of life. We'd get out of here and live our dreams and get what we wanted. The child was just an added bonus. I know, I was beyond naive."

She sat in silence as I held on to her hand, wondering why that young boy had been given the right to hold this incredible woman in his arms.

"He quit high school, got a job, and wanted to provide for us by staying here." Her voice grew lower, "That's when I got sick. I was only about a month along when I was taken to the hospital one night. I'd gotten the flu and ended up having a miscarriage."

"I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "It's fine. It wasn't the right time."

"What happened to him?"

She smiled as she stared out at the two chairs that seemed to hold a memory I sorely wanted to hear. "He wanted to…play through. He wanted us to marry, live here, and keep the same plan. To him, it was the life he wanted, but it was too late for me." Her deep brown eyes caught mine in their powerful grasp. "I had been
here
."

I knew she meant the building we were sitting in—the beauty that was once paradise to a young girl in a small town. 

Beth nodded, knowing I understood. "Here is where I watched life come alive. The actors, singers, dancers, stories—they were exciting and vibrant, a world that up until then had never existed in this one-horse town.

"Actors must surround you all the time here."

"I met Paul Newman a few times at the racetrack. He ran his cars here, and he was really the nicest most elegant man you'd ever want to meet."

I smiled. "I always wanted to meet him."

"Oh, he was incredible," Beth said. "Funny, liked everyone—but when he opened his mouth to give advice, say hello, or just be nice, that voice held such wisdom that he was always so much fun to talk to."

"I'd say you were lucky. You weren't sitting in a cornfield somewhere. New York is just an hour away."

Beth nodded. "I know. But something else had grabbed me and took hold. I'm not like you, Matt. I wanted to see it all, not just Broadway. I didn't have a focus on one specific place, I wanted the whole world."

Her voice was distant, almost as if she was back in the day waiting to fly. "I got in a car, took off, and hit highways, back roads, byways—you name it, I drove them. I met everyone from shopkeepers to kids to schoolteachers to bums, military men, nuns; I heard all the stories, saw tons of sites and wrote everything I could down. I have so many boxes of journals I could probably fill the NYPL's basement with the stuff."

Suddenly Beth's voice grew almost reverent, as if being respectful to the ghosts in her head. "I wanted everyone to know these people and hear their stories. Especially my favorites. There were some that were so kind. Like when the car broke down, or I got lost on a butte in Utah with no hope of finding my way back, I met truly kind people who would pull over and help me."

Keeping her hand I leaned in, absolutely mesmerized by her words. "Who were your other favorites?"

"The veterans I was always privileged enough to sit beside in the VFW halls. Man, the stories they had, Matt. They'd lived through pain, drama, war, death and still maintained that honesty, loyalty and love of country." She turned to me. "People still have that, you know. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes with all the ridiculous crap they're always spouting on T.V. to make us feel hideous 24/7, but there is
still
faith."

I cleared my throat, knowing that the warm feeling spreading through me only came around once in a lifetime, if you were lucky. "Whatever happened to your first love?" 

She sighed. "Gosh, I think he got married but he didn't stay here. After I left, I never came back."

I looked over at the set of chairs. "What does this place have to do with him?"

"This is where I had the best date of my entire life. He dropped the 'bad boy' shtick for the night, got dressed in a suit and walked with me through these doors. I had the night off and we came to see
Little Shop of Horrors
, believe it or not.

"Feed me!"

She smiled. "Exactly. I watched every moment on this stage. I was enthralled, as always, with the lights and the sounds and the actors giving it their all. I looked over a couple of times to see if he was enjoying himself, but he was always looking at me."

"Can't blame the guy," I mumbled.

I caught her blush, as she turned away and reached for another beer. "I asked him afterward what he thought about the play and he said he hadn't seen it. He'd only seen me."

"Again, the guy knew what he was saying."

Shaking her head, Beth made the auburn waves fall in front of her face, like a teenager who wanted to hide from my attention.

"Any regrets?"

"No. Wrong guy, wrong location—the baby wouldn't have been happy if the parents weren't—so it was all for the best."

"And,
Father
?"

"Youth is wasted on the young. Heck, we barely know anything when we're adults. But when it comes to kids, I suppose when you hit the mighty thirty or forty, you have to sit back and wonder. If that was your only shot at a family, would you have done it differently? Chosen a different road?"

I sat up straight and leaned toward her. "Why would that be your only shot at motherhood?"

She shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe it was. If I'd stayed here, stayed with him, maybe we would've had a family. But not now."

I immediately turned her to face me. "Are you kidding? You have to be a Mom." 

Beth laughed. "I'd suck at it, trust me. I'm too wrapped up in myself to ever be any good for a kid."

"Wrapped up in yourself? Are you
kidding
?" I shook my head because I really, no matter how much I tried, just couldn't understand why such an intelligent woman seemed to know absolutely nothing about the appeal she owned a thousand-fold.

"Besides," she continued before I could speak, "single parenting is awesome. I've met so many single parents out there who are strong, loving, with fantastic kids—but being from the family I'm from and the marriages I was privy to, I would want a child to have both sides of the equation, you know?" She laughed. "Although, I am kind of a puzzle, because I just don't have that inner Bridezilla. I think, in the end, I would probably want motherhood way more than marriage. I may just be the black sheep of my family. I'd probably be a horrific wife."

"
What
?" I couldn't help the sarcastic tone running through my voice.

She pulled her hand from my body. Twirling around Beth stood up, dusting the dirt and grime from her jeans.

I quickly stood in front of her. 

"What?" she asked, staring at what had to be a very confused face. "What's the matter?"

"I think you're crazy."

"Oh, really?" Beth tilted her head to the side. "Do
you
want to be a father, Matt?"

"Someday, yes."

She giggled. "And what if you found yourself in a situation where 'someday' came a whole hell of a lot sooner than you wanted it to?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't have to face that."

"I said if," Beth replied. "Would you want to be stuck in something simply because you're a good man and a baby was coming? Or, would you hate your life knowing that maybe your dreams would have to play second fiddle to a wife and child you didn't even want?"

I remained quiet. "That's way too big of a decision, or a 'what if?' to just answer. You would just…cross that bridge if and when you came to it."

She patted me on the shoulder. "It's okay. Really. Its okay to not want children until 'someday' appears. You have a master plan. I was just wondering how you'd feel about it."

"I'm not ready for kids right now, no. But I do want them; I do want to be a father. And
you
definitely have to be a Mom."

She put her hand on my shoulder. "As a song and dance man you should know, even though
I
can barely remember the process anymore, you need a duet to make a baby." 

"Are you swearing off duets?" I asked. 

She took a step backwards, but I knew the door was behind me and I couldn't let her leave. I just couldn't. I grasped her hips and pulled Beth into my arms.

Her hands immediately came up and rested on my chest; I could feel her pushing me away, but I couldn't let go. "What's it gonna take for you to kiss me?"