A Brief Moment in TIme (11 page)

“This is good. I mean really good! Wow!”

She laughed. It was going to be an interesting day. Seeing so many things for the first time through Gavin’s eyes was almost like experiencing it herself all over again. She thanked her Inner Being for the delightful new way of looking at life, knowing she’d be forever changed by it.

GAVIN FIDDLED with the stereo, watched the GPS screen in amazement as it guided them through the city, and adjusted his seat more than once, just because he could. He felt like a kid let loose in a department store right before Christmas. The feeling of freedom was as delicious as the latte and muffin he had just devoured. He was beginning to feel much more relaxed and even wondered what he’d been so afraid of.

“What kind of music do you like?” he asked Kate as he surfed through satellite radio channels with the remote control. The new technology was something he knew little about. Before he’d gone to prison, satellites were used by the government and the military and at most were topics in popular action movies. Now, according to Kate, Global Positioning Systems were common in new vehicles, hundreds of music channels were available by satellite, too, and remote controls came with almost every piece of equipment. Gavin liked the convenience at his fingertips. He was beginning to really like the new world he was being reintroduced to.

“I like just about everything. Well, except maybe heavy metal. But if that’s your preference, go ahead,” she offered graciously. “Listen to whatever you like.”

Gavin was curious to learn more about her, so he probed, “You must have a preference.”

“It depends on what mood I’m in; generally I like easy-listening or pop. But I want you to pick something that you want to listen to, Gavin. This is your day.”

He continued searching until he found an 80s channel and recognized a favorite song. “This is great!” He closed his eyes for a moment not wanting to miss what was going on around him but enraptured by the familiar song. With the melody transporting him back in time, the words came to mind as if he’d heard them yesterday.

When he opened his eyes, they were nearing the outskirts of the city, and fields spread out before them. The countryside hadn’t changed all that much. He recognized some of the farms and acreages that dotted the landscape.

“Gavin,” Kate interrupted his observations. “You may experience some powerful emotions today, and I want to be able to help you through them.”

“I appreciate that.”

“We can take time as you experience them, or deal with them later; it’s up to you. But I think it will be most beneficial to deal with them as they arise.

“I’ve told your parents that this kind of thing is to be expected,” Kate went on. “They’ll probably be dealing with their own issues, too.”

“This has been hard on them. Mom said Dad’s taking medication for his heart.”

“It’s not your fault, you know.”

Gavin wanted to believe her, but he felt guilty for the pain he’d put his parents through. He didn’t respond right away.

“Everyone is responsible for their own lives, Gavin. No one is a victim. Everything that happens to us is an exact match to the vibration we’re offering. Everything, no exceptions. And whenever something does happen, we get to choose how we respond to it.”

“No victims?” Gavin looked at her in astonishment. “I killed a man. Are you saying he wasn’t a victim?” As he said the words, he questioned whether he wanted to have that particular conversation at that moment, and he realized the answer was yes. It was time.

Gavin heard Kate take a breath. She glanced his way before answering. He appreciated that she was sensitive to his feelings and hadn’t pressured him to talk before he was ready.

“Yes, Gavin, that’s what I’m saying. I know it’s hard to grasp, but when you do, you’ll see it’s the only thing that makes sense. The young man that died that day…he chose to die that day...in that way.” She paused to look at Gavin. “And you chose to be a part of it. It really is as simple as that.”

Gavin’s mind reeled with the new ideas. It was liberating in a sense, as if he’d been pardoned of his crime, yet part of him wanted to argue. That part of him was forgetting the things he’d already learned from Kate, his spirit guide. “But that’s like justifying the crime—like it’s all right to kill someone.”

“Can you justify how it felt for you? Could you justify doing it again?”

“No!” Gavin exclaimed with a fervor that surprised him. Nevertheless, he was beginning to see what Kate was trying to say. Then he remembered what she’d already explained to him in a dream and decided to share it. “I think I know what you mean, though. I know now why I chose to have this experience.”

“YOU DO?” she frowned.

“I wanted to know what freedom felt like. I wanted to experience it in such an all-encompassing way that I needed to experience complete and total bondage first to know the contrast.”

Kathryn was stunned. He was absolutely right, of course; it made perfect sense. But how he’d gained such insight was a mystery.

“Gavin,” she replied. “You amaze me sometimes. How do you know these things?” It was an unfair question, and she immediately regretted asking it. He was connected to the same stream of knowing that she was, and just because she was the so-called expert didn’t mean she had a monopoly on wisdom. She was looking for a way to apologize when he answered with words that astonished her.

“I have dreams,” he said simply.

“And you learn these things in your dreams?”

“Yeah, mostly,” he said, hesitating.

Kathryn was hanging on his words. She sensed he was going to reveal what she’d been wondering about since she’d first met him, but he became quiet, and she questioned if he was ready to share it with her. Kathryn wanted to respect his need for privacy, but at the same time wanted to encourage him to trust her. She decided to pursue it.

“Gavin, you don’t have to share this if you don’t feel comfortable, but what you’re saying isn’t going to shock me. I’ve met and talked to people who receive information through visions, people who regularly receive channeled information, people who have spirit guides and out-of-body experiences. None of those are uncommon.”

“Have you ever experienced any of that?”

I should have known he’d ask that question
.
She wanted to say she’d experienced it, but in truth her knowledge was mostly secondhand. She attributed her insights and understanding to a higher Source, but overall she was lacking when it came to supernatural experiences.

“No, I haven’t,” she said honestly. “I envy people who do, though. My husband had incredible dreams and out-of-body experiences. He used to wake me in the middle of the night to tell me the new insights he’d received. I’d love to know what that feels like, but I have to admit it scares me a little.”

She knew she was treading in dangerous territory. Sharing her personal life with a patient was not a good idea, but she felt so compelled with Gavin. It was almost as if she was offering her story in exchange for his. It gave him the courage he needed to share the deeper part of him that she knew existed but couldn’t draw out any other way.

GAVIN HEARD what Kate said, but couldn’t help reading between the lines. “You said your husband used to do that. He doesn’t anymore?”

“He...passed away nearly four years ago.”

“I’m sorry.” Gavin wished he could offer some sort of comfort. He could tell by the way she spoke that it was a painful subject. Four years wasn’t a long time. She still wore her wedding rings and obviously still missed him.

The revelation didn’t surprise him, however. He’d known, somehow, that she wasn’t attached to anyone in that way. It didn’t feel right thinking of her with another man. He wondered sometimes if he wasn’t just hopeful, maybe even jealous, but now he knew that what he’d suspected was true.

Gavin was eager to return to their conversation; he had so much to say. He wanted to tell her everything but knew he had to withhold some of it. “I met you,” he began, trusting she was familiar enough with the paranormal that she would believe him. “…before you came to Swenton.”

She frowned at him. “But when…? How…?”

He wasn’t sure how to describe it in a way that made sense, but he took a stab at it. “I guess it was a dream or a vision, maybe even a hallucination. I was in the infirmary…”

“Yes, I read about that in your file. You had the Srela virus.”

“Yeah. Apparently I was really sick for a while. The only thing is, I don’t remember any of that. All I remember are the dreams I had. Except…they didn’t feel like dreams; they felt real. I met people and talked to them, learned things...only to find that none of it really happened.

“The day I got out of the infirmary…” He stopped. Suddenly the story seemed so outrageous that he wasn’t even sure he believed it himself.

Kate was able to continue for him. “That was the same day I came to Swenton to speak in the auditorium,” she said eagerly. “And you looked at me as if you knew me!”

“I did know you,” Gavin shrugged, not sure how much to reveal and how much to hold back.

She glanced at him, a dozen questions on her face, but they both knew they would have to wait. They were nearing Redding and the turnoff to his parents’ farm. He directed her as they pulled into town. They had to drive through a part of Redding before turning, and Gavin noticed that not nearly as much had changed in this smaller center as it had in the city.

Not wanting to miss a single detail, he looked intently at every building, at every face he saw on the streets, and in the cars they passed. Part of him wanted to see a familiar face, and another part hoped he wouldn’t see or be seen by anyone he knew. He wasn’t ready for that. Being at home with his parents was a huge step and all that he wanted for his first day out.

KATHRYN WAS CURIOUS to learn about Gavin’s dreams and visions, especially now that he’d revealed she had been a part of them. It explained why he’d looked at her the way he had, and why he’d seemed so distressed that first day. It also explained the times he knew what she was going to say before she said it. It explained a lot, yet left her with a host of questions. She hoped to be able to talk about it with him soon. Maybe if all went well, they could continue the conversation on the drive home.

Now, however, Gavin was taking in every detail, and rightly so. She wanted those moments to be special for him and memorable in a good way. He had eighteen years of relatively good memories before the one that forever changed his life, and she wanted him to recapture those memories. She wanted to help him look back at the past and selectively sift, to bring into his present focus only that which served him.

He was quiet as they drove the last stretch of the journey, and Kathryn wished she could read his mind. She was more than willing to help him through any difficult times, but she couldn’t unless he shared them with her.

As they turned off the secondary highway and on to a gravel road that led to his parents’ farm, Gavin let out a long, slow breath. Kathryn slowed the car and looked at him for a quick moment. She could see the emotion on his face. He was dealing with something powerful.

“Do you need a moment? Is there anything you want to deal with before we get to your farm?”

Gavin nodded. “Can we do that process again—the one where I take back my power?”

“Absolutely,” Kathryn assured him. She pulled the car off to the side of the road, giving him her full attention. “What are you feeling?”

“I’m not sure,” Gavin admitted. “It almost feels like the panic attacks I used to have before I knew what I was afraid of.”

Kathryn wasn’t familiar with any panic attacks. She hadn’t read about it in his paperwork but decided to forgo asking. She could always address it in a future session. For now, she wanted to help Gavin find the dominant emotion and the thoughts that were fueling it.

“Does it feel like the fear we dealt with before? When you think about the dream with the shackles, does this feel the same?”

“Yes and no,” Gavin replied. “I know it has to do with my parents. Since I told you about my dad being on heart medication, I’ve had this heavy feeling. I told you I understand the reason I chose to spend so many years in prison, but what I don’t understand is why they had to suffer because of it?”

Kathryn paused a moment before she responded. It seemed a little heartless to simply tell him they had created it, although she believed that to be true. It felt like a pat answer and not what Gavin needed in that moment. Instead she tried to guide him to his own clarity. “Are you feeling guilty?”

“I think so.”

“Whatever names we give those low emotions, it’s important to understand the powerlessness that’s associated with them. That’s the reason you feel so bad right now, Gavin. Guilt is a very powerless emotion, and it’s often associated with feelings of unworthiness. Why don’t we try using the same analogy from your dream?”

Gavin nodded.

“It doesn’t matter what
right
those feelings of guilt and unworthiness have to be in your experience. I’m sure you’ve been justifying them, but in doing so you’re letting the emotions control you, just like the fear did. You can put an end to the dominance they’ve had over you. They’ve had you in bondage, Gavin, but it doesn’t have to be that way.