776 Stupidest Things Ever Said (7 page)

I could’ve probably said that.

• I want to thank all those who made this night necessary.
  

  (addressing the crowd at a 1947 event in his honor)
  

• You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if it isn’t enough, in the second half you give what’s left.
  

• Mantle’s a switch hitter because he’s amphibious.
  

• How can you say this and that when this and that hasn’t happened yet?
  

• If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.
  

• A nickel ain’t worth a dime any more.
  

• I don’t know, I’m not in shape yet.
  

  (when asked his cap size)
  

• He is a big clog in their machine.
  

  (reportedly talking about Ted Williams)
  

• Slump, I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.
  

• I got a touch of pantomime poisoning.
  

  (explaining to his manager, Casey Stengel, why he couldn’t play a game)
  

• If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.
  

• How can you think and hit at the same time?
  

• I wish I had an answer to that because I’m getting tired of answering that question.
  

  (in response to a question about the ’84 Yankees’ dismal record)
  

Well, I think that’s a—it’s had some difficult times but I think we have—we, I think, have been able to make some very good progress and it’s—I would say that it’s—it’s—it’s delightful that we’re able to—to share the time and the relationship that we—that we do share.

Well, I’m going to kick that one right into the end zone of the Secretary of Education. But, yes, we have all—he travels a good deal, goes abroad. We have a lot of people in the department that does that. We’re having an international—this is not as much education as dealing with the environment—a big international conference coming up. And we get it all the time—exchanges of ideas.

But let me—I better switch over here for some more—and may I—a question—and I don’t mean to offend with regard to follow-up—and I understand why you had them, but we’ve been reduced to the number of questions we get to ask when everybody has a follow-up. So ask them both at once.

It’s easier to thump a faggot than an average Joe. Who cares?

You mean there are two Koreas?

Ballarat is the fairest city south of the hemisphere.

The town of Albany contains 500 dwelling houses and 2400 inhabitants, all standing with their gable ends to the street.

This is the greatest country in America.

I favor this irrigation bill in order that we may turn the barren hills of my state into fruitful valleys.

This is morally repugnant to millions of people, not only in the United States, but also in the 24th Congressional District.

Georgia produces enough fine apples each year for every man, woman and child in the state to have two bushels.

Georgia’s sanitarium for the insane has for the past year every bed occupied and many waiting to be taken in.

It’s not politics, it’s just who you know.

It’s about 90% strength and 40% technique.

Contrary to popular belief, I have always had a wonderful repertoire with my players.

I’m wearing these gloves for my hands.

I can’t understand how all this can happen. It’s enough to make one lose one’s faith in God!

I believe that, next to God, Andrew Jackson was the greatest man who ever lived.

[A gun is] a recreational tool, like a golf club or a tennis racket. You can kill someone with a golf club, you know.

Light pranks add zest to your services, but don’t pull the customer’s ears.

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

The good news is the war is over. The bad news is we lost.

We’ll have a recording broadcast a fire fight, mortars exploding, bullets flying, Vietnamese screaming…. There’s nothing offensive about it.

You know we have three great branches of this government of ours…. We have a strong President, supposedly in the White House. We have a
strong Congress, supposedly in the legislative branch. We have a strong Supreme Court, supposedly heading the judiciary system.

No unmet needs exist and … current unmet needs that are being met will continue to be met.

Tenses, Gender, and Number: For the purpose of the rules and regulations contained in this chapter, the present tense includes the past and future tenses, and the future, the present; the masculine gender includes the feminine, and the feminine, the masculine, and the singular includes the plural, and the plural the singular.

… the empty grave where all our ruined industries lie.

As the Reagan presidency ends, it is time for the Bush pregnancy to begin.

Retraction: The “Greek Special” is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as … described in [an ad]. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused.

In a way, we’re a kind of Peace Corps.

[Hyackers should be given] a rapid trial … with due process of law at the airport, then hanged.

The pale face of the British soldier is the backbone of our Indian Army.

They would never agree to peace so long as Prussian militarism held its head above water to trample underfoot our liberties.

She disentangled her foot in the netting and wound it up.

Gentlemen, a member of this House had taken advantage of my absence to tweak my nose behind my back. I hope that the next time he abuses me behind my back like a coward he will do it to my face like a man, and not go skulking into the thicket to assail a gentleman who isn’t present to defend himself.

Against every bone in my body, I’m sitting here twisting both arms.

They pushed their nomination down my throat behind my back.

Bob Davis is wearing his hair differently this year, short and with curls…. I think you call it a Frisbee.

Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.

On the mound is Randy Jones, the left-hander with the Karl Marx hairdo.

We didn’t turn him down. We didn’t accept him.

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.

I’ve been laid up with the intentional flu.

So long as Ireland remains silent on this question England will be deaf to our entreaties.

Warning: Never use while sleeping

Replacing battery: Replace the old battery with a new one.

For John Caputo, hermeneutics means radical thinking without transcendental justification: attending to the ruptures and irregularities in existence before the metaphysics of presence has a chance to smooth them over. Radical Hermeneutics forges a closer collaboration between the hermeneutics and deconstruction than has previously been attempted.

Ecuadorians. I don’t know what they are. I know they’re not Hispanic.

We have to go back centuries for a parallel to such treatment, and even then we don’t find it.

I stood in Venice on the Bridge of Sighs, A palace and a prison on each hand.