776 Stupidest Things Ever Said (9 page)

Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?

Buttocks: The area at the rear of the human body (sometimes referred to as the glutaeus maximus) which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top of such line being one-half inch below the top of the vertical cleavage of the nates (i.e., the prominence formed by the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line being one-half inch above the lowest point of curvature of the fleshy protuberance (sometimes referred to as the gluteal fold), and between two imaginary lines, one on each side of the body (the “outside lines”), which outside lines are perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above and which perpendicular outside lines pass through the outermost point(s) at which each nate meets the outer side of each leg….

Section 4: Licenses shall be issued only to persons of good moral turpitude.

President Richard Nixon:

John Dean:

H. R. Haldeman:

John Ehrlichman:

If I tell a lie it’s only because I think I’m telling the truth.

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.

Thus, the black lie, issuing from his base throat, becomes a boomerang to his hand, and he is hoist by his own petard, and finds himself a marked man.

It’s not a matter of life and death. It’s more important than that.

If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave.

Yogi Berra (during a 20 Questions game):

Teammate:

Yogi:

If Cal Coolidge were alive today to witness this scene, he’d roll over in his grave.

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.

I’ll get it when I die.

The light which the Lord Chancellor had thrown upon the matter was darkness.

It is indeed fitting that we gather here today to pay tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands.

I love California. I grew up in Phoenix.

I think we probably expose our players to the media as well as anybody.

I desire what is good. Therefore, everyone who does not agree with me is a traitor.

A lot of people my age are dead at the present time.

Could you get a little closer apart?

[It is] not fair to say that I have misinformed Congress or other Cabinet officers. I haven’t testified to that. I’ve testified that I withheld information from Congress. And with regard to the Cabinet officers, I didn’t withhold anything from them that they didn’t want withheld from them.

The President misspoke himself.

I apologize for lying to you…. I promise I won’t deceive you except in matters of this sort.

In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent….

The United States is at peace with all the world, and sustains friendly relations with the rest of mankind.

… when floors are wet and slippery with manure, you can have a bad fall.

Even if they had it in the streets, I wouldn’t go.

I am not the leader of Washington. I am not the business leader of Washington. I am not the spiritual leader of Washington. I am not the civic leader of Washington. I am not the social leader of Washington. I am the political leader of Washington. That’s where my responsibility ends.

In the whole history of the world, whenever a meat-eating race has gone to war against a non-meat-eating race, the meat eaters won. It produces superior people. We have the books of history.

Even if he were mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. Don’t they deserve some representation on the court?

My boy friend is a split personality—a kind of Jekyll of all trades.

Since the Government has let the cat out of the bag there is nothing to do but take the bull by the horns.

When shall the lion of autocracy walk hand in hand with the floodgates of democracy?

The apple of discord is now fairly in our midst, and if not nipped in the bud it will burst forth in a conflagration which will deluge society in an earthquake of bloody apprehension.

The gutless, no-good 100th Congress … will write off freedom in Nicaragua, throw them to the alligators, and hope the alligators will eat someone else and eat us last and they can peel off a slice of that salami and they will not bother us for now. Do not rock the boat.

It is no use for the honorable member to shake his head in the teeth of his own words.

As we debate this bill, that sword of Damocles is hanging over Pandora’s box.

[This item is] a mere fleabite in the ocean of our expenditure.

… the greatest villain that ever lived, a man worse than Hitler or Stalin. I am speaking of Sigmund Freud.

Why can’t the Jews and the Arabs just sit down together and settle this like good Christians?

As a compensating measure, the focus of shorter-and longer-term analyses would be extended to include the mid-term. Although this approach will in some measure reduce the comprehensive nature of the intended analysis, the compromise will provide adequate data for meaningful progress toward integrative policy development.

It is necessary for technical reasons that these warheads should be stored with the top at the bottom, and the bottom at the top. In order that there may be no doubt as to which is the top and which is the bottom, for storage purposes, it will be seen that the bottom of each head has been labeled with the word TOP.

We have permitted our naval capability to deteriorate. At the same time we are better than we were a few years ago.

I think there are very few indeed who try to take advantage of their former positions in the military to sell us defense products…. Most officers are not salesmen. A friend of mine who retired told me, “The idea of going back and trying to peddle products on the basis of my military friendships is so repulsive that I would rather starve to death.”

What a waste it is to lose one’s mind—or not to have a mind. How true that is.

At this point, I would like to emphasize that our emergency planning [for a nuclear attack by the Soviets] is predicated on the idea that it is possible for our nation to survive, recover, and win and that our way of life, including free enterprise, the oil industry, and Socony Mobil Oil Company, can survive, recover, and win with it.

Anyone who sees and paints a sky green and pastures blue ought to be sterilized.

Let’s bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth-century dialogue.

In the prosecution of the present war, every man ought to be ready to give his last guinea to protect the remainder.