365 Ways to Live Happy (7 page)

If you want to be the best parent you can be, sign up for a parenting class. Such classes often can be found through parent teacher organizations, local adult education courses, the family court system, and even online. Learn what to expect from your child as he or she goes through various stages to adulthood. Discover techniques for discipline that do not involve yelling, spanking, screaming, or arguing. Understand why children need boundaries and guidelines as they grow. Invest a little time in becoming a better parent if you want to raise strong, self-sufficient, well-adjusted, happy children.

It's human nature to repeat behaviors that get a lot of attention. When it comes to your efforts to build a strong, happy family, the key is to focus on the positive behaviors you want repeated and not the negative ones. Try also to lavish praise consistently for that particular behavior. What do you do when the behavior is bad? You ignore what you can. Refuse to give it any attention. And pick your fights carefully. Because attention is usually what the other individual or child is seeking. Your attention is the payoff for her acting out or doing something praiseworthy. So praise what you like, and ignore, if you can, what you don't like.

If your children have grown up with grandparents around, they are truly lucky. Grandparents are repositories of memories and details of a bygone era and as such are often treasure troves of information for younger generations. Encourage lively discourse between the older and younger generations of your family. Teach your children why their grandparents are so special. Encourage them to do an oral history project, interviewing their grandparents for true stories about growing up in a different time (and possibly place) in the world.

Assign age-appropriate chores for your children and reward them with a regular allowance. Although some financial experts say not to link chores to an allowance, many parents do. Earning allowances through work instills in the child a sense of responsibility, accountability, self-discipline, and pride for work well done. Allowances are also a great way to teach your children about money management. Give them the option of earning extra money for special projects. Teach your children how to wisely spend, save, and, depending on their age, invest. When it is their own money they must spend for the things they want, chances are they will learn to make better-informed purchasing decisions. And you will feel happier when your children are no longer treating you like you're the bank.

Ever too tired to cook? Encourage each family member to choose one day each week to prepare the family meal. Be graceful and supportive if you're presented with a stack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Get children an age-appropriate cookbook and help them make some recipes. After that, they will be on their own. Even little children as young as four or five can prepare food. Show them how to wash berries and grapes and break off pieces of bananas, and then demonstrate how to stir in some fruit yogurt as salad dressing. Train the whole family so that the next time you are too tired to cook, you can relax and check the family schedule to see who's turn it is to cook.

Let each person in your family know that you care about the problems he faces and the issues he may have with you or other family members. Set aside time each week to air family grievances. Avoid allocating blame and instead identify the problem and encourage discussion aimed at finding possible solutions. There may be solutions that require sacrifices to be made by the individuals involved in the conflict. For example, a fight between siblings over a last piece of cake might necessitate dividing the slice between the two children so each gets less but both get some. By airing grievances and discussing options, you will be demonstrating conflict resolution skills — a great real-life tool for your children and other family members to have.

Three basic mechanisms for dealing with conflict are avoidance, accommodation, and collaboration. Use conflict resolution techniques on a regular basis when you are dealing with family conflicts and disagreements. For example, when you are putting masking tape on the floor of the family room in order to separate your children from each other because you can't stand their incessant arguing, do so with a calm, thoughtful, and respectful demeanor. Show them what courtesy, kindness, empathy, and understanding look like. Listen to both sides and demonstrate your desire for a constructive solution. It may be necessary to restate their problem, paraphrasing it in your own words so both of them are satisfied that you truly understand. Impress upon both children your desire that a solution be found. At all times, speak calmly and avoid being confrontational and aggressive. When the optimal solution is found, happiness and peace will again prevail.

The next time your spouse turns a deaf ear to your point of view, try a new strategy. Write her a succinctly worded note. Resist the urge to call her names, to point out her stubborn streak, or threaten her. Instead, create a lens for her to see your position on the subject. Argue your point without finding fault with her as a person. Show respect for her view, but reveal why you've arrived at the opposite conclusion. She's not your enemy. Tackle the problem, not her, and you may find that she isn't all that attached to her point of view after all. Apply the same strategy to talking with her and you may even find her listening.

Strengthen your family connections by reaching out to your relatives wherever they may be. One way to forge a stronger family identity is to host a picnic reunion and invite all your relatives. Make a special dish from a recipe handed down from previous generations. Before the day is over, make certain that each family gets a copy of that treasured recipe. Encourage them to pass it along to their children and grandchildren. Your effort creates a tangible link to the past, encourages a celebration of your shared identity, calls up memories of past eras and perhaps historical events, and strengthens family bonds. Those beloved relatives who made that dish perhaps even centuries before you have long since passed on, but you can remember them whenever you make it.