150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (47 page)

Critics of all stripes like to compare Uwe Boll to Edward D. Wood Jr. The comparison is unfair, as Boll has been more successful than Wood by any standard. His movies also tend to be more entertaining than Wood's films (no matter how much they may suck).

They Really Said It!

Uwe Boll
: There are all those rumors out there that my movies are financed with Nazi gold, and what should I say? It's true!

Trivia Quiz

What 2009 comedy featured a real-world terrorist in a mock
interview?

A:
G-Force

B:
The Proposal

C:
Delivery Date

D:
Brüno

Answer: D. In
Brüno
, Sacha Baron Cohen, posing as the flamboyantly gay fashion critic Bruno, sought out Ayman Abu Aita, a one-time member of the terrorist group Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, and asked that he kidnap Bruno so he could benefit from the publicity.

PRODUCERS
Jeff Barklage, Denis Roland (executive producers), Mark Burchett and Michael D. Fox (producers)

WRITERS
Mark Burchett and Michael D. Fox

DIRECTORS
Mark Burchett and Michael D. Fox

STARS
Paul Morris (
Pete McGavin
), Amber Newman (
Brittany Drake
), Debbie Rochon
(Madame Natalie
), Ranae Raos (
Leslie Kellog
), Lucy Frashure (
Julie Swanson
), Randy Rupp (
Satan
), and Rob Calvert (
Lester
)

A reporter struggling to rise above the level of a tabloid writer and return to his glory days (Morris), stumbles upon a Satanic cult in the form of a public relations agency, a cult seeking to give Satan the perfect bride. Will the story be the reporter's path back to the big time, or will it take him straight to Hell?

Why It Sucks

Satanic Yuppies
really wants to be television's
Kolchak: The Night
Stalker
(1974) but can't quite get there. It gives one of the screen's great Satans (played by Randy Rupp), and Paul Morris makes a good stand-in for Darren McGavin, but most of what surrounds them is half-baked. On the other hand, the idea of a PR agency being a Satanic cult appeals to me.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Script Award goes to …
Mark Burchett and Michael D.

Fox for undermining an otherwise decent movie with jokes that were trite even in 1996, (such as Rush Limbaugh being a client of the Satantic agency).

And the Worst Actress Award goes to …
Glori-Anne Gilbert for some of the unsexiest gratuitous nudity during a Satanic ritual I've ever seen. (Her breasts are bigger than her head!)

They Really Said It!

Brittany Drake
: Do you, Julie Swanson, take Satan as your eternally wedded mate? To have and to hold —
Julie Swanson
: [Screams into gag]
Brittany Drake
: We'll take that as a yes.

Betcha Didn't Know

For almost as long as they've been making movies, Satan's been in 'em. In 1896, French magician and filmmaker Georges Méliès created
House of the Devil
, a two-minute silent film featuring a bat transforming into the devil.

“Yuppies” is derived from an abbreviation of Young Urban Professionals. It was first used in print in a 1983 column by writer Bob Greene. He did not coin the phrase, and its origins remain murky.

Trivia Quiz

Who wrote the scripts for the Carl Kolchak movies
The Night Stalker
and
The Night Strangler?

A: Jeff Rice

B: Ray Bradbury

C: Stephen King

D: Richard Matheson

Answer: D. Richard Matheson, author of
I Am Legend
, has written dozens of horror and science fiction short stories. I Am Legend has been made into a movie five times.

PRODUCER
Rebecca Taylor

WRITERS
John Johnson (script), Jimmy Belcher and Neil Wagner (story)

DIRECTOR
John Johnson

STARS
John Johnson (
Howard
), David Simmons (
Nicopernicus
), Liam Smith (
Neil
), Karthik Srinivasan (
Cornelius
), Chris Jenkins (
Dr. Qubert/
Mr. Sniffles
), Jay Barber (
Dr. Noches
), Denise Shrader (
Sandy
), and Codo the Dog (
himself
)

A tabloid reporter and his photographer (Johnson and Srinivasan) take a cab driven by a Haitian immigrant (Simmons) to the town of Nilbog to discover who's been shipping zombies via parcel post to unsuspecting people. What they find is evil and madness manifested in every conceivably crazy way and a mad scientist (Barber) trying to export this evil to the rest of the world.

Why It Sucks

Skeleton Key
is a low-budget film that mocks low-budget amateurish horror films using all the techniques and technical know-how on prominent display in amateurish horror films. Along the way, it takes swipes at the fans of such movies — which include yours truly.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Too Much of a Good Thing Award goes to …
Liam Smith for his portrayal of Neil. This movie nerd, who is both a character in the film and watching it as it unfolds, is the center of some really funny breaking-the-fourth-wall humor, but he is so annoying and over the top that the jokes are almost ruined.

And the Worst Best Actor Award goes to …
John Johnson for playing his character of Howard completely straight and with real restraint while everyone around him is
acting
.

They Really Said It!

Neil
: He just got beat up with a penis!

Betcha Didn't Know

Skeleton Key
takes place mostly in the town of Nilbog as a tribute to the hideously hilarious cinematic milestone of awfulness that is
Troll 2
.