150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (26 page)

The Crappies

The Worst Actor Award goes to …
Dolph Lundgren for portraying a plastic action figure with a kung fu grip rather than the Punisher.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Mark Goldblatt for first reducing the Punisher to a generic action movie character and then — much worse — making him boring.

They Really Said It!

Frank Castle
: If you're guilty, you're dead.

Betcha Didn't Know

Production company New World Pictures was founded by B movie heavy-weight Roger Corman in 1970. He sold it to other investors in 1983.

This was the first of three Punisher movies, each of which is disconnected from the other in its story.

Trivia Quiz

What superhero battled the Punisher in his first appearance?

A: Captain Marvel

B: Captain America

C: Spider-Woman

D: Spider-Man

Answer: D. Spider-Man. Due to the restrictions on violence imposed by the Comics Code in the 1970s, the Punisher's automatic weapons were loaded with stun bullets during this first appearance.

PRODUCER
Uncredited

WRITERS
David Boehm (script), Edgar Allan Poe (poem)

DIRECTOR
Louis Friedlander

STARS
Bela Lugosi (
Dr. Richard Vollin
), Boris Karloff (
Edmond
Bateman
), Irene Ware (
Jean Thatcher
), Samuel S. Hinds (
Judge
Thatcher
), and Lester Matthews (
Dr. Jerry Halden
)

After saving a young dancer (Ware) from certain death through a miraculous feat of neurosurgery, the mentally unstable Dr. Vollin (Lugosi) becomes obsessed with her. All he has to do with the aid of a wanted murderer (Karloff) is eliminate Jean, her fiancé, and her father.

Why It Sucks

Why were Hollywood-types so afraid of making a Poe movie that's true to Poe?
The Raven
, rather than being about the haunting lament of a man for his dead love, is the tale of an evil and insane man so rich and so obsessed that he's built a house full of secret doors, secret basements, and entire rooms that serve as elevators … all so he can re-enact scenes from Poe's writings. That's pretty cool, I admit, but I still have to wonder.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Actor Award goes to …
Boris Karloff for playing the weakling assistant to Bela Lugosi's mad doctor. One of the great actors of B movies comes off here as dull.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Louis Friedlander for tepid direction, uninspired lighting, and set design that leaves most of the potential of this film unrealized.

They Really Said It!

Judge Thatcher
: Try to be sane, Vollin!

Betcha Didn't Know

This was the first feature film directed by Louis Friedlander. He later changed his name to Lew Landers and eventually became one of the most prolific directors in Hollywood history.

Boris Karloff's salary was larger than Bela Lugosi's on every film they appeared in together, even the ones where Lugosi had the larger part.

Trivia Quiz

What Universal Pictures comedy did Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi both appear in?

A:
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein
(1948)

B:
The Boogie Man Will Get You
(1942)

C:
A Comedy of Terrors
(1923)

D:
Gift of Gab
(1934)

Answer: D.
Gift of Gab
, where the actors had cameos in a comedy centered around an arrogant radio presenter.

From the moment Victor Frankenstein bellowed, “It's alive!” in James Whale's 1932 classic

Frankenstein
, monsters have been the go-to guys for horror movies. Sadly, the only horror you'll find in the movies here is that you'll never get those eighty-two minutes of your life back.

PRODUCERS
Roger Corman (executive producer) and Gene Corman (producer)

WRITER
Leo Gordon

DIRECTOR
Bernard L. Kowalski

STARS
Ken Clark (
Steve Benton
), Jan Shepard (
Nan Greyson
), Yvette Vickers (
Liz Walker
), Bruno VeSota (
Dave Walker
), Tyler McVey (
Doc Greyson
), and Gene Roth (
Sheriff Kovis
)

A small town located on the edge of a swamp and inhabited primarily by unpleasant hicks is menaced by giant leeches. Will the studly game warden (Clark) — one of three citizens of the county with a double-digit IQ — save the day?

Why It Sucks

Attack of the Giant Leeches
is one of those movies where the characters can't get eaten by the monsters soon enough. This is partly because they're portrayed by second-rate actors delivering badly written dialogue, but also because the film screams “Cheap!!” with every frame. Bad acting, badly done monsters … adding up to a cinematic apocalypse.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Special Award for Lamest Creature goes to …
The “giant leeches” are obviously large plastic bags. It takes a lot of guts to put something like that onscreen

And the Worst Script Award goes to …
Leo Gordon for writing a story in which a law enforcement officer (in this case a game warden) brings his apparently completely untrained civilian girl-friend on potentially dangerous searches for poachers and giant blood-sucking monsters.

They Really Said It!

Nan
: Where could it have come from?

Doc Greyson
: I wish I knew. We'll have to do some tests. Maybe the proximity to Cape Canaveral has something to do with it.

Betcha Didn't Know

The giant leeches were played by actors in plastic bags. (From this point of view, not all the actors in the film stink. No one's played giant leeches better. And no one is likely to play one ever again. I guess that's some sort of immortality.)

In
On Writing
, Stephen King stated that Yvette Vickers was among the movie stars he idolized as a boy.

Trivia Quiz

What animal has not been the monster in a Roger Corman picture?

A: Piranhas

B: Bees

C: Dogs

D: Crocodiles

Answer: C. Dogs. Every other animal has been enlarged and/or otherwise monsterfied in a Roger Corman-produced picture.

PRODUCER
Anne-Marie Frigon

WRITER
Jeff O'Brien

DIRECTOR
Brett Kelly

STARS
Mark Courneyea (
Scott
), Kerri Draper (
Gracie
), Mike Conway (
Dr.
Everette
), Kevin Preece (
Sheriff Bucky
), Jody Hauke (
Walter
), Shawna McSheffrey (
Mary
), and Gary Peterson (
Grundy Miller
)

The moronic inhabitants of a small Canadian town on the edge of a marsh-bound lake start to fall victim to giant leeches. Will the wussy game warden (Courneyea) and his mildly shrewish girlfriend (Draper) save the day?

Why It Sucks

What's worse than a bad movie? One that's worse than the original. To update the story, the writers included some camping college girls who the audience keeps hoping will swim in the giant-leech infested lake. Sadly, it never happens. This film appears to have been made with a lower budget than the Corman version. “Search parties” consist of four guys paddling along the lakeshore on a cheap inflatable raft. At least Corman's production had a canoe.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The They Might Be Giants Memorial Award goes to …
The leeches. Although they look more convincing in this version than in the original, they are nowhere near as much fun as guys dressed up in trash bags.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Brett Kelly for failing to improve on one of Roger Corman's worst efforts.

They Really Said It!

Mary
: Get out of here before I make you leave in tears.

Betcha Didn't Know

This film saw its first wide release in July of 2008, while the original
Attack of the Giant Leeches
was released in October 1959.

As a director, Brett Kelly makes an excellent actor, having appeared in a variety of roles in low-budget Canadian productions.

Trivia Quiz

What is the greatest danger posed by leeches?

A: They can grow to giant proportions and menace towns in Canada and the United States.

B: They can potentially carry diseases.

C: They can upset the pH balance in waterways.

D: They can cause fish to grow abnormally large and threaten eco-systems.