150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (21 page)

The Crappies

The Worst Actor Award goes to …
Brendan Hughes for playing about as boring a leading man as possible without actually casting Al Gore.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Bill Froehlich for failing to keep the chaos in line. Would it have been
that
hard to hold a couple more script conferences?

They Really Said It!

Josh Forbes
: There will be no exploding tit shot!

Betcha Didn't Know

Predator: The Concert
would have been George Clooney's first movie credit, but, although filmed in 1983, that film wasn't released until 1987, shortly after
Return to Horror High
.

The black cloak and mask of the insane murderer in this film bears a striking resemblance to the costume of the killer in the far more successful horror spoof
Scream
(1996).

Trivia Quiz

What is the cheer shouted by the ghostly cheerleader in the original preview for
Return to Horror High?

A: Killer to the left, killer to the right! Sit down, stand up! Fright! Fright!

Fright! B: Let's get physical, let's get mean! Let's get physical and stab them, stab them, till they scream!

C: Close that D, Dot that I, shred that E … Die! Die! Die!

D: There was no ghostly cheerleader in the preview for
Return to Horror High
.

Answer: A. Yes, really!

PRODUCERS
Lee Long Koan and Dick Randall

WRITER
Sun Liu

DIRECTOR
Mu Zhu

STARS
Jackie Chan (
Jackie
), Siu Tien Yuen (
Old Master
), Casanova Wong (
Big Boss
), and Kwok Choi Hon (
Little Frog
)

Jackie (Chan) has secretly studied martial arts under the tutelage of an eccentric master (Yuen). Now, he must use his skills to defeat a vicious band of extortionists and avenge his father's death.

Why It Sucks

An unintentionally creepy scene where a dirty old man commands a little boy to take off his pants while they're alone in the dark forest … this is a high point of the movie? Yes, that's the
high
point! Not to mention the director's clumsy attempts to hide the fact that star Jackie Chan was not available to finish it.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Picture Award goes to …
Lee Long Koan for failing to realize hiring a stand-in for Jackie Chan was silly.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Mu Zhu for his total inteptitude at masking the Jackie Chan stand-in during the second half of the movie.

They Really Said It!

Jackie:
You killed him. You are responsible for his death.

Betcha Didn't Know

Before this film was finished, production closed down when the producer reportedly stole the payroll and skipped town, leaving the actors and crew unpaid. After Jackie Chan became a full-blown movie star, the film was completed with footage lifted from
Drunken Master.
Although a few of the original actors appeared in additional scenes, Chan did not take part in the completion of the film.

The film is scored entirely with music taken from other sources, including
Popeye the Sailor
cartoons.

Trivia Quiz

What was Jackie Chan's first job in show business?

A: Assistant to filmmaker Godfrey Ho.

B: Playing Gamera, the amazing flying Japanese turtle monster.

C: A member of the touring Peking Opera Company, as a member of the Seven Little Fortunes troupe.

D: Bruce Lee's stunt-double during the filming of
Enter the Dragon
.

Answer: C. Chan joined Seven Little Fortunes after excelling in martial arts and singing while studying at the China Drama Academy.

The films in this chapter are noteworthy for the big names and big budgets involved. They are films that
should
have been successful based on the track records of the people involved. But, somehow, something went terribly wrong.

PRODUCERS
John Milius (executive producer), Buzz Feitshans (producer)

WRITERS
Bob Gale, Robert Zemeckis (script), and Bob Gale, Robert Zemeckis, and John Milius (story)

DIRECTOR
Steven Spielberg

STARS
Dan Aykroyd (
Sgt. Frank Tree
), John Belushi (
Capt. Wild Bill
Kelso
), Treat Williams (
Cpl. Chuck “Stetch” Sitarski
), Toshirô Mifune (
Cmdr. Mitamura
), Tim Matheson (
Capt. Loomis Birkhead
), Bobby Di Ciccio (
Wally Stephens
), Nancy Allen (
Donna Stratton
), Slim Pickens (
Hollis “Holly” Wood
), Robert Stack (
Maj. Gen. Joseph W. Stilwell
), Ned Beatty (
Ward Douglas
), Lorraine Gary (
Joan Douglas
), and Christopher Lee (
Capt. Wolfgang von Kleinschmidt
)

Shortly after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941, an incompetent Japanese U-boat crew squares off against equally incompetent American military and civil defense forces, while downtown Los Angeles is in the grips of a jitterbug brawl.

Why It Sucks

Before popping in the DVD of this movie, put your brain in neutral and inject a couple of beers into your bloodstream. Even with those precautions, the film's two-hour running time is likely to leave you exhausted. One thing's for sure: You won't remember much of it.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Picture Award goes to …
Producers John Milius and Buzz Fleitshans, with additional recognition to director Steven Speilberg, for their total lack of restraint.

The Best Accidental Stunt Man Award goes to …
John Belushi, for a hilarious prat-fall while climbing out of a fighter plane. The slip-and-fall gag wasn't in the script, as he really did slip and fall.

They Really Said It!

Hollis “Holly” Wood
: You won't get shit out of me. I've been constipated all week!

Betcha Didn't Know

This film was Steven Spielberg's first financial flop. It cost an estimated $35 million to make, but only earned a little over $31 million during its initial American theatrical run.

To my lasting regret, John Wayne turned down the role of Major-General Stilwell. He also asked that Spielberg cut all scenes featuring Stilwell, because he felt they were unpatriotic and insulting to war veterans.

Trivia Quiz

Which was
not
a true historical event that the scriptwriters drew from for inspiration?

A: The Zoot Suit Riots of 1943, in which Hispanic zoot-suiters and military personnel engaged in a massive brawl in Los Angeles

B: The shelling by a Japanese submarine of a refinery on the coast of California

C: The Japanese invasion of Mexico in 1942

D: A decision to place anti-aircraft guns in the front yards of private homes in Maine

Answer: C. The Japanese did
not
invade Mexico in 1942, but everything else on the list really happened.

PRODUCERS
Tarak Ben Ammar, Oliver Hengst, Tracee Stanley, and Andrew Stevens (executive producers), Kaos, Chris Lee, and Ellie Samaha (producers)

WRITER
Alan McElroy

DIRECTOR
Kaos

STARS
Antonio Banderas (
Jeremiah Ecks
), Lucy Liu (
Sever
), Gregg Henry (
Robert Gant/Clark
), Ray Park (
A. J. Ross
), and Talisa Soto (
Vinn/ Rayne
)

Ex-U.S. government agents (Banderas and Liu) must overcome their tortured pasts and current animosity for each other to defeat a common enemy (Henry) who has acquired the ultimate in robotic assassination tools.

Why It Sucks

Someone in the studio offices thought the title was a good idea. Unfortuately, it has nothing to do with the plot of the film. This isn't the story of Ecks and Sever fighting each other. It's about them
teaming up
against a mutual enemy. What passes for the story drags viewers through chaotic and messily staged action set pieces. On the other hand, what do you expect from a director named Kaos?

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Special Reading Is Fundamental Award goes to …
Antonia Banderas and Lucy Liu for apparently not reading the script before choosing to star in this miserable picture.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Kaos for allowing his attention deficit disorder to ruin the film. Not even action scenes are allowed to play out with a consistent visual tone or flow.

They Really Said It!

Ecks
: Where did you get all this ordinance?

Sever
: Some women buy shoes.

Betcha Didn't Know

The film cost $70 million to make, but only brought in $14 million during its very brief U.S. theatrical run. It didn't fare that much better on DVD.

The 2001 Gameboy Advance first-person shooter game
Ecks vs. Sever
was based on an early version of the film's script, not the other way around.

Trivia Quiz

Who was the first internationally renowned American-born Chinese-American actress?

A: Lotus Long (born 1909)

B: Anna May Wong (born 1905)

C: Nancy Kwan (born 1939)

D: Lucy Liu (born 1968)

Answer: B. Anna May Wong enjoyed a career throughout Europe and Asia, though she struggled against racism in the United States.

PRODUCERS
Benjamin Melniker and Michael E. Uslan (executive producers), Peter Macgregor-Scott (producer)

WRITERS
Avika Goldsman (script), Bob Kane (original Batman character)

DIRECTOR
Joel Schumacher