Zombie (13 page)

Labor Day, & a few days later. Junie called & left a message on the tape. Did I see the morning paper. What a shock—the news about Dr. M__ K__.

Daddy will be devastated
Junie said.

Didn’t get around to listening to the message for a few days, & by that time that day’s newspaper was gone. I wasn’t even sure which day it was.

Labor Day, & the fall term starting at the University. & of our nine tenants five are new, just moving in. All of them foreign students. Graduate students in the sciences mostly. From India, China, Pakistan, Zaire, Egypt, West Indies. Dad says they make the best tenants & he is right. All dark-skinned, & polite & shy & speaking our language with care. I am Q__ P__ CARETAKER & introduced to them as such.

I am taking my medication again as Dr. E__ prescribes. Three times daily with meals. & to help me sleep when required. You are not supposed to
ingest alcohol
while on lithium but that has not been a problem for me. The purpose is to
maintain emotional equilibrium
as Dr. E__ says.

Feeling low lately. Since GROUND ZERO etc. Bummed. But don’t think of it, & the medication helps. That is its purpose. & no point in blaming others, like Dad or Grandma. (I have stopped yard work at Grandma’s house for the indefinite future. & driving Grandma around like a taxi service. Fuck that
grandson crap
. It only gets you into trouble.)

Jean-Paul from the West Indies, white shirt &
a wild Afro, shorts, sandals, muscled oxblood-shining calves. Came up to Q__ P__ at Burger King & said hello, so friendly. Grad student with a fellowship in economics. So quick & friendly I could not prevent EYE CONTACT. But it will not be repeated.

Nor any of them beneath this roof. I never think of it.

Mon. 4:00
P.M.
-4:50
P.M.
Mt. Vernon Medical Center on the other side of the campus, in good weather I walk & in bad weather drive the Dodge Ram. Dr. E__ says
Well, Quentin. This brisk autumn air is a tonic isn’t it. After our long hot summer
.

There is a double meaning in this I know.
Summer
the time of Q__ P__’s harassment & humiliation by Mt. Vernon Police Department. But I smile & say YES DOCTOR. NO DOCTOR. Sit & smile & my hair cut & parted in a new way. Dad’s lawyer requested reports to the Michigan Probation Department & so it is known by us that Dr. E__’s prognosis of his patient Q__ P__ is “very good.” Q__ P__ is “definitely making progress.”

Still it is awkward in Dr. E__’s office. I sit across from his desk & stare at the floor. Or at my hands I have scrubbed. RAISINEYES’ wristwatch on my left arm & its bronze face secret where I watch the tiny numerals flashing bronze. & around my right wrist my solitary memento of SQUIRREL.

Dr. E__ asks do I have any dreams to speak of today. There is a flurry of leaves against the window
behind him & the sky is darkening so early. I sit & frown & an oily sweat on my forehead & upper lip & there is a long silence. Then I say,
A dream of being in some water
. & Dr. E__ says
Yes? What of it?
& I can’t think of more & he says encouraging me like you would encourage a little child to speak,
Are you swimming in this water, Quentin?
& I shake my head saying,
I don’t think so, maybe I am just in the water. & the water hides me & carries me along
. & Dr. E__ says, &
what happens in your dream, Quentin?
& I say,
I don’t know. I’m just there
.

There is peace too in Dr. E__’s office. You can take comfort in. Dad & Mom are pleased with their son’s
prognosis
& hope that I will continue with Dr. E__ after my probation is over. Junie too has said in that stern solid way of hers there is
definitely an improvement in Quen
.

At last it is 4:49
P.M.
Dr. E__ writes out a refill for my prescription. Asks if I have anything to ask him & I can’t think of anything & THANK YOU DOCTOR & the session is over.

For all that has happened, has happened. From the beginning of Time
. I accept this.

Alternate Thursdays 10
A.M.
Mr. T__ my probation officer. Tues. 7
P.M.-8:30 P.M.
group therapy with Dr. B__. Mon. & Thurs. trash pick-up. Dragging the yellow plastic trash pails out to the curb.

There is a change in my life: I am no longer enrolled at Dale Tech but have transferred to University Extension (downtown Mt. Vernon campus). INTRO TO ACCOUNTING Mon. & Wed. 7
P.M.-8:20 P.M.
Because R__ P__ is on the University faculty my tuition is only $200. I am paying for it myself.

A new drive-through McDonald’s is opening on Third St. just two blocks from 118 North Church. Bright yellow banners flapping in the wind & SPECIAL BIG MAC COUPONS to early customers. A glimpse of Jean-Paul in one of the booths with a woman, I think. Light-skinned & Jean-Paul is that deep russet-black. But I did not see clearly. I was not looking, & was not seen.

A true ZOMBIE would be mine forever. He would obey every command & whim. Saying “Yes, Master” & “No, Master.” He would kneel before me lifting his eyes to me saying, “I love you, Master. There is no one but you, Master.”

& so it would come to pass, & so it would be. For a true ZOMBIE could not say a thing that was
not
, only a thing that
was
. His eyes would be open & clear but there would be nothing inside them
seeing
. & nothing behind them
thinking
. Nothing
passing judgment
.

Nor would there be
terror
in my ZOMBIE’s eyes. Nor
memory
. For without
memory
there is no
terror
.

A ZOMBIE would pass no judgment of course. A ZOMBIE would say, “God bless you, Master.” He would say, “You are good, Master. You are kind & merciful.” He would say, “Fuck me in the ass, Master, until I bleed blue guts.” He would beg for his food & he would beg for oxygen to breathe. He would be respectful at all times. He would lick with his tongue as bidden. He would suck with his mouth
as bidden. He would spread the cheeks of his ass as bidden. He would cuddle like a teddy bear as bidden. He would rest his head on my shoulder like a baby. Or I would rest my head on his shoulder like a baby. We would lie beneath the covers in my bed in the CARETAKER’s room listening to the November wind & the bells of the Music College tower chiming & WE WOULD COUNT THE CHIMES UNTIL WE FELL ASLEEP AT EXACTLY THE SAME MOMENT.

Junie said,
Don’t speak of it to Dad. His heart is broken
.

& Mom said,
Your father has aged twenty years! But when you see him, don’t let on
.

The news did not seem important to me, no more than most news you see on TV or read in the paper. It was in fact news of long ago. & Dr. M__ K__ dead & spared any trouble. NOBEL LAUREATE FOUND TO HAVE LED RADIATION EXPERIMENTS 1953–1957. COMPARED TO “NAZI” DOCTORS.

I saw the photo of white-haired Dr. K__ Dad’s old mentor at the Washington Institute & read of the scandal as they called it in the media. Dr. K__ had led a team of scientists who engaged in secret experiments for the Atomic Energy Commission. In one experiment, radioactive milk was fed to thirty-six mentally retarded children at a school in Bethesda, Maryland. In another, the testicles of prisoners at several Virginia universities were exposed to “ionizing radiation.” Why this old news was revealed now so many years later & why people pretended to give a fuck, I don’t know. But I had to laugh.

Lucky for Dad & Mom they were still on Mackinac Island when the scandal broke. Newspapers & TV &
People & Time
etc. Dad was spared the embarrassment of interviewers telephoning him & asking for a statement. Later he went on record saying
It is an unconscionable act to experiment on any person without informed consent but I knew Dr. K__ & I am unable to believe that he is guilty of such. There must be some mistake
. In private saying
So unfair to a dead man!
Dad removing his glasses & rubbing his hands over his eyes. & his tweed asshole mouth screwed up in pain.
A great man’s reputation slandered posthumously, how can he defend himself!

Of this I have not spoken to Dad, nor will. There is not that kind of easiness between us. Or Dad speaking to me about the police harassment at the time of the
Waldron boy’s
disappearance.

But Dad removed the framed photos of Dr. M__ K__ & himself from his office at the University, & from home. If Grandma still has hers on the dining room wall I don’t know. I never go to Grandma’s any more. Nor to Dale Springs at all except sometimes to borrow $$$ from Mom.

A day is long & so the time has been long. Since GROUND ZERO. I stay close to the house as CARETAKER of the property. As Dad & Mom have entrusted me. Except some weekends driving in the Dodge Ram (which holds the road so well, & has a look of such pride) to Detroit on I-96 & once along Lake Erie to Toledo where I had never been before. & Ann Arbor where the University is even bigger than Mt. Vernon, a Gay Pride Festival in October. Returning on I-94 in the early dawn perhaps & the sky lightening in weird rosy-gray pleats & puckers & there are bright orange markers flying at me
CONSTRUCTION AHEAD FORM SINGLE LANE 40 MPH
but it is too early & the highway is deserted. & the THUMP THUMP THUMP of the pavement like a heartbeat. Like the Dodge Ram & Q__ P__ have a single heartbeat. & I suppose I am happy, or anyway at peace. & sometimes hitch-hikers.
Did not want it to happen but our eyes met. & him high, & horny, & panting like a stallion. & in the filthy lavatory at the rest stop COMING so it was like scalding lava
. & once in November feeling restless took the van north on
Rt. 31 to the Manistee Forest. & it was snowing & so the landscape was altered. Like a new place or even a planet where I could not get my bearings. Could not find the road I had taken with SQUIRREL & so could not find the river. Got turned around, & pissed as hell mistaking east for west (but there are no direct roads) & ended up at Big Rapids the opposite edge of the Forest. Most days now I am on my medication as Dr. E__ prescribes. Three tablets daily, with meals. This causes my words to slur sometimes & drowsiness driving & in INTRO TO ACCOUNTING where I sit at the back of the room. But my temper is O.K. & I am not so angry & EYE CONTACT does not worry me. If it is ACCIDENT & not deliberate (on my part). Akhil coming to my door for instance & saying,
Excuse me sir there is something wrong with the upstairs toilet I think
.

Jean-Paul who is new to the house & is always asking questions, for instance downstairs in the cellar where there is a washing machine & drier OFF LIMITS to tenants but I allowed him to use it one day, with the promise he would not tell the other tenants. & needing the CARETAKER to help him every step of the way.
I am used to a woman taking care of my laundry
Jean-Paul says laughing.

Most nights I don’t go out, can’t afford it. Begging for fucking crumbs from Mom & Dad. Eating takeout from Burger King, Taco Bell, etc. & drinking six-packs watching XXX videos. Or TV flicking through the channels. It is hard to watch one channel for more than twenty seconds, or ten. Many times in the fall seeing
Mr. & Mrs. Waldron the parents of the
missing “Jamie”
making their appeal on Michigan TV. & photos of “Jamie” & actual video-footage, home movies. & there was SQUIRREL smiling & waving at me, & SQUIRREL playing basketball at school, & SQUIRREL getting some kind of trophy. & a voice-over saying
Please if you have any information please contact hot-line JAMIE a $50,000 reward is offered for any information leading to the discovery of
& Mr. & Mrs. Waldron saying always the same words
We have faith that our son is still alive, we have faith that we will see him again, alive
& now Mrs. Waldron is crying & Mr. Waldron trying not to cry. & I’m losing it saying, loud & disgusted,
What do you mean—alive? Why should he be alive? Why the fuck should HE be alive?
& saying
Fuckers, now YOU know
. & flicking past the channel in disgust.

In November around Thanksgiving an unexpected news bulletin on local TV, someone claiming to have “sighted” the missing boy hitch-hiking in Chicago. But nothing came of this so far as I know.

Junie has been BIG SIS all my life. She is five years my elder. & as tall, & weighing maybe as much. Almost made the Olympics team as a swimmer in college, & was a star at
women’s lacrosse
. Now PRINCIPAL at Dale Springs Middle School.

Junie has always taken an interest in Q__ the kid brother. Her only sibling in the family. In high school when I had some emotional problems & the year I started college at Eastern Michigan & screwed up. It was Junie’s idea for me to study real estate & not return to college as Dad was always pushing saying college is not right for everyone. Saying Quen could be a terrific salesman if he’d only
lighten up
.

Left a message on the phone saying
Accounting is a great idea, Quen. A hell of a lot more realistic than those other ideas of Dad’s
.

Mom & Dad are proud of Junie & have been so since high school when she was a class officer & star athlete. Graduated fifth in her class, 1976. & a scholarship to U.M. to study public education & administration, Ann Arbor the classy state school not
second-& third-rate like Lansing & Mt. Vernon. & at college did pretty well. & now a principal & ambitious to move elsewhere, taking summer “seminars” etc. at Ann Arbor. Junie is “social” & has lots of friends, the kind you go hiking with, or skiing. When Junie bought her own house, on the lake in a suburb called Graafschap Mom worried
Now Junie will never get married
. Junie has gone through stages of being pissed as hell at her kid brother Q__ & not speaking to me & one time (I was drunk or in some state not 100% conscious, in my leather clothes & ponytail) not acknowledging me when we ran into each other on the street. But since the arrest & the two-years’ probation when Mom & Dad were so upset, Junie has gone into gear as BIG SIS again. Like having a
sex offender
for a kid brother is a challenge to her, & she is not one to back off from challenges. Like I am one of her problem students only needing to be redeemed by some adult. Like I am somebody you can tease & nag with a smile saying
Quen, you’d be really good-looking if you didn’t mope so much. & stand taller for God’s sake. & can’t you do something about your hair, & your clothes?

Invited me to her place for a dinner, two weeks before Christmas. Some friends of hers I’d met before I think, though maybe not—Junie’s teacher-friends look all alike. & talk alike. & a new faculty member at Junie’s school named LUCILLE. Another big woman with tits like hub-caps & a round smiling face & lots of “personality” like Junie. Teaches eighth grade. Handshake like a man’s.

It’s a dinner sitting at a table. Big seafood “paella”
Junie made. & white wine. I arrived in the Dodge Ram a little late drinking en route, & mellowed out on ’ludes & this soft buzzing in my head like a dial tone. So I can tune out, & my face seems like I am listening. Junie & “Lucille” & the others all animated talking of politics in the state & in Washington, Clinton’s health plan & etc. & one guy, runty but talking like he’s sure of himself saying health care is the number one issue of our time, & we are not a civilized nation at present, & somebody else saying crime is the number one issue, Americans have become terrified of being victimized & are thus susceptible to dangerous right-wing paranoid politics. & from there to gun control, & abortion. & I’m O.K. drinking wine & I can see my cellar & cistern I have returned to their state before the cops came to harass me. Dinette table back in the cistern, & extension cord & 150-watt lights & the bandages, gauze etc. Ice pick, dental pick, knife, etc. & waiting for a plan to form. & excited knowing it will form, like a dream.
No specimen beneath this roof. Forbidden
. Except say it’s the start of vacation, or one of them is returning home for good. To India, to Zaire, to the West Indies. O.K.? & he’s all packed & his room cleared etc. & Q__ P__ CARETAKER volunteers to drive him to the airport. Not Kalamazoo but Lansing, the international airport. O.K.? & that’s cool, & kind. & as far as anybody in the house or at the University knows, he’s gone. Left the United States. & they don’t think of him anymore, he’s history. & on the way to the airport Q__ P__ gives him something to drink or eat & he falls asleep & the van is prepared
again for a passenger in the rear & that’s cool. & after dark we return to 118 North Church. & it’s the middle of the night, & everybody asleep. & Q__ P__ carries his ZOMBIE down into the cellar & the door is locked behind him. & on the operating table the first procedure this time is not the
transorbital lobotomy
but “severing” the vocal cords. So if the ZOMBIE is O.K. or not he will at least be silent & trustworthy in that way. & I will get a diagram of the larynx or whatever it is from the biology library. & if I use a razor maybe. A light touch.
You can feel them. They vibrate when you speak
.

Junie & her friends are talking about religion now I guess. & one of the men says religion is tyranny, & delusion. & responsible for much of the cruelty of mankind. & Lucille all huffy & excited saying no that is
not
religion, that is power, political power, & religion is
spiritual, & inward
. & Junie agrees & she’s excited too saying the struggle of our species is between
outward & political, & inward & spiritual
. & maybe the upcoming millennia will be the salvation of Homo sapiens. & I’m listening & watching them. Big Sis & Lucille. & the idea comes to me: if you sliced off a female’s breasts she would then be not much different than a man, say if you sliced off a man’s cock he would not be much different than a woman. The breasts are mainly fatty—no bones? & Lucille sees me looking at her & she’s blushing a little like women do. & seeing me turning my wristband round & round sort of compulsive like I do she asks what is it?—my memento of SQUIRREL which is part of his blond-brown hair from his little pigtail & some
of my own hairs braided together with leather thongs & red yarn.

So I say, “It’s an Indian thing. Chippewa. I got it at the reservation upstate.”

& Lucille says, touching it, “It’s
unusual
. Does it have any symbolic meaning? Is it some Chippewa custom?”

& I say, “I guess so. I don’t know.”

& Junie butts in dry & teasing, Big Sis reaching over to lay a hand on me too, “Quen is some kind of hippie, you know? Born thirty years too late.”

& Lucille is smiling saying, “His hair is too short for a hippie’s.”

& Junie says, “It didn’t used to be, though.”