Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology (5 page)

Holy shit, my friends

this mythos we are coming up on right now

is the cosmological equivalent of French-kissing a battle-ax.

These myths are rude, crude, and probably radioactive

they play music too loud and draw disapproving looks from the elderly

they will wake your mother up in the middle of the night by driving a Humvee through the armoire.

Seriously

any mythology in which the principal characters are a suicidal pirate-wizard

and what essentially amounts to a beard with a hammer sticking out of it

is the mythology for me

and for you too

once the Norse get through with you.

So you might already know the way the Greeks thought the world got made

and also the Romans because the Romans are goddamn copycatters

and maybe you have listened to some scientists or some creation scientists

and you know one or two other ways.

Listen

I want you to forget everything you know about creation myths

because this myth

is going to BLOW YOUR DICK OFF FROM PURE WONDERMENT

and if you do not have a dick it is going to SEW ONE ON

and then IMMEDIATELY BLOW IT OFF.

Wanna know why?

because it’s NORSE MYTHOLOGY TIME.

SHIT YEAH.

So to start out, the world is already pretty badass.

It is just two things:

One is a sea of pure all-devouring fire called Muspell

guarded by a dude named Surt who is just WAITING

to ride out and murder all the gods and then set the world on fire.

By comparison, the other half of the world is pretty lame.

It is just a whole bunch of ice called Niflheim.

But the best part is that in between Muspell and Niflheim

there is a big-ass trench called Ginnungagap

which is empirically proven to be the number one funnest thing to say.

Go ahead and say it. I’ll wait.

So Ginnungagap is where shit starts to get real

because the cold from Niflheim

bumps up against the heat from Muspell

and causes a bunch of vapor to condense

in Ginnungagap

to create a frost giant

in Ginnungagap

named Ymir

(not Ginnungagap)

Actually, Ymir is more of an ogre than a giant

and he is actually more of a wuss than an ogre

because what is the first thing this guy does?

He goes to sleep

right there

in Ginnungagap.

Sleeping and sweating like a motherfucker.

He sweats so hard

that a man and a woman grow out of his armpit

and then he sweats EVEN HARDER

causing his legs to fuck each other

and have a baby

so then this cow shows up and starts shooting milk everywhere

and Ymir drinks all of it

’cause there’s pretty much no one else to drink it

other than his legbaby and the armpit people.

Then the cow gets bored and starts licking ice

and all of this licking melts away enough ice to form the shape of a dude

or maybe it is just the same dude who appeared in Ymir’s armpit.

(Ymir has mastered the fine art of being a neglectful father.)

Anyway, this guy’s name is Bor.

He marries Bestla, the daughter of some giant.

Maybe the daughter of Ymir, who knows?

Bor is quite a catch because he is the only man in existence.

So Bor and Bestla have three kids

Odin, Vili, and Vé.

Really the only one anyone gives a shit about is Odin.

He is the ruler of all things, essentially

and he gets his brothers to help him kill Ymir

who is probably still asleep

and has definitely not done anything to deserve being murdered

but Odin seems to think that he has become TOO EVIL

which probably just means that he was snoring REALLY LOUD.

Whatever the reason, they kill Ymir.

Nice patricide, Odin.

What are you going to do next

further desecrate your grandfather’s body by tearing him apart

and using his limbs as decoration for a universe you and your brothers are making?

Yes.

This is exactly what Odin and his brothers do.

I mean you gotta give them credit

they use pretty much every part of this dude.

Like, not only do they make his blood into lakes and oceans

and his bones into mountains

and skin into earth

and his teeth into tiny rocks

but they use his skull to make the sky

which is such a dumb idea that they have to get some cheap slave labor to make it work.

So they go over to Ymir’s corpse

which is crawling with maggots at this point

and they are like “Hey, maggots

wanna be a sentient humanoid species?”

And the maggots are like “DO WE?”

So they turn into dwarves

and Odin is like “Great, awesome

how about you repay us by holding up this skull we found.

We wanted to make it into the sky but skulls are not really meant for that.

We’ll even name the guys who do it North, South, East, and West.

It will be awesome.”

And the dwarves are like “Okay, fine.”

But listen, guys

just because they have already used Ymir’s skull and skin and bones and teeth and blood

does not mean they are finished defiling his corpse

because the next thing they do

is they chuck his brains into the air

and they become CLOUDS.

Did you think clouds were beautiful fluffy collections of water vapor?

WRONG, ASSHOLE.

BRAAAAINS.

Then they make the stars out of all the sparks coming out of Muspell

and give all the land along the coast to the giants

I guess to say sorry for murdering Ymir and building a world out of his corpse.

But the giants are still pissed

and Odin is like “I need a fort to protect myself from all these giants.

What will I build it out of?

Oh, I know

EYEBROWS.”

The fort he builds becomes a safe haven for all the humans, called Midgard.

Also, they drag Ymir’s corpse over Ginnungagap

And Odin makes a place called Asgard

using surprisingly few of Ymir’s body parts

and he lives there with his wife, Frigga

and is startlingly faithful to her

and fathers all the other gods, who are called the Aesir.

So the moral of THIS story

is that we need to invent space travel with a quickness

because all of Ymir’s body parts are about to get REAL ripe, REAL fast.

When Odin finally gets done making the world

and settles down to get busy with his wife, Frigga

the first radical dude to get born is named Thor.

Thor is pretty much the baddest motherfucker you will ever lay eyes on.

In fact, if you ever laid eyes on him

he would probably walk up to you and DESTROY YOUR EYES WITH HIS HAMMER.

Thor’s hammer is called Mjolnir and it was made like so:

So Loki (the god of being a needless prick all the time)

sneaks up on Thor’s wife, Sif, one day

and shaves off all of her hair like he’s one of the guys on
Jackass
or something

and Thor really loves hair, I guess

so he gets SUPER ANGRY and he chases down Loki and is like “Hey

how about I cut off all your FACE?!”

and Loki is like “But I need my face for making infuriating smirks with!”

And Thor is like “Well, how about . . . I just break every bone in your body?”

and Loki is like “No, I need those too.

How ’bout instead I have the dwarves make your wife some
new
hair?

it will be made of GOLD and it will grow like NORMAL HAIR.”

and Thor is like “AWESOME.”

So Loki goes to these dwarves

like “Guys, I sorta promised Thor that you would make his wife the ultimate toupee.”

And the dwarves are like “Sure, no problem.

Do you want us to make it out of gold

or DOUBLE GOLD?

We REALLY FUCKING LIKE GOLD because we are DWARVES.”

Hey, by the way I’m sorry if I’m being racist against dwarves

but that is just how dwarves are, okay?

Some of my best friends are dwarves.

Anyway, Loki is like “Regular gold is fine”

and the dwarves are like “Okay, okay

well, how about we also make you a boat called
Skidbladnir

which can fit all your friends and all your treasure

and always has wind in the sails

and can be folded up and put in your pocket when not in use

and how about we also make Odin a spear

scratch that, an UNSTOPPABLE spear.”

and Loki’s like “Damn.

All WE ever did for YOU GUYS was make you hold up the sky for forever.”

So Loki brings all this sweet loot back to the gods

and then he gets this great idea

which is to bet the dwarves that they can’t make three more EVEN BETTER treasures

FOR FREE.

But he doesn’t have much cash on him, so instead he just bets them his HEAD.

And these dwarves named Brokk and Eiti take the deal

because it’s not like they have to bet anything themselves

and they go to the forge

and Brokk pulls out this big-ass boar skin and he is like “Okay, Eiti.

It is completely crucial that you crank the bellows
constantly
.”

so Eiti starts doin’ it

and pretty soon a big-ass fly lands on his hand and stings the shit out of it

but Eiti does not care. He is going crazy with that bellows.

and Brokk makes what he was trying to make.

He brings it to Loki and is like “Okay so we all love boars, right?

But you know what would make a boar even better?

GOLD.

GOLD MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.

I AM A DWARF AND I COVERED THIS FUCKING BOAR IN GOLD.”

Okay, look, guys, I am just telling the story.

It is not fair to apply our modern conception of racism to a bygone past, okay?

I forget what the term for that is, but don’t do it.

Anyway the filthy dwarves still need to make two more things

so Brokk decides to cut out the middleman and just put some gold directly on his forge

and he’s like “Hey, Eiti remember what you did with the boar?

Just do exactly that, because it is totally crucial.”

so Eiti starts working the bellows and lo and behold

the same fucking fly shows up and bites him on his NECK

but Eiti just toughs it out and keeps on pumpin’

and Brokk finishes the thing he was making and brings it out to Loki

like “Check this gold ring I made.

I call it Draupnir.

But see the thing is, this is just one gold ring.

Do you think that is enough gold? I don’t think that is enough gold

so what I made it do, is every ninth night

it shits out EIGHT IDENTICAL RINGS.

There will be SO MANY RINGS.

I can melt them down for their gold

and use them to make more rings

that drop out MORE RINGS.

I HAVE CREATED INFINITE GOLD.

This is the dream of every dwarf, because we love gold so much.

Did you know we invented rings so we could have sex with gold?”

Okay, okay, hold on, guys.

If you have any dwarf friends

maybe you should just have them not read this myth

if they have read this far it is already too late

we’re pretty much done with the gold part and you have lost a friend.

Anyway, then Brokk puts a big-ass chunk of iron on the forge

And Eiti starts pumping that bellows

and then this SAME FUCKING FLY comes back and bites his eyelids. His EYELIDS.

But Eiti still just keeps on pumping

until blood from the gaping wounds this fly has inflicted trickles down into his eye

and he takes one hand off the bellows to wipe away all the blood

and the bellows stops and everything is RUINED.

It was supposed to be a hammer called Mjolnir

but now it is a hammer called Mjolnir WITH A KINDA SHORT HANDLE

and Brokk is like “Dang maybe I won’t get Loki’s head after all.”

But he still bundles up all the shit and takes it to Asgard because quitting is for pussies.

And in Asgard all the gods are like “HOLY DAMN

YOU MADE A RING THAT SHITS OUT MORE RINGS.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A DWARF TO APPRECIATE INFINIGOLD.

Oh, and the boar is pretty nice too.

It could use more gold, maybe.”

And then Thor is like “Guys, this hammer is so sweet. It hits anything I throw it at

and then it always comes back to my hand.

I mean the handle is a little bit short but that doesn’t keep it from NEVER MISSING.

Guys, do you REALIZE how many frost giants we can kill with this?

This is the best Norse Christmas EVER.”

and Brokk is like “Looks like I won the bet, Loki

I am going to dip your head in gold and then probably fuck it.

That’s what I do, because I’m a dwarf.”

Look, I lied when I said the gold part was over.

If you had your dwarf friend just keep reading because you thought the damage was done

then I am really sorry, man

but you need taller friends.

So Loki starts running as fast as he can

but Thor just got that hammer that can hit anything 100 percent of the time

so he just kind of knocks Loki out and brings him back

and Loki is like “WAIT

I promised you my head but I never promised you the neck it rests on!

So you can’t cut it off. HAH.”

So Brokk just sews Loki’s mouth shut instead

which is probably the best thing for everybody.

So what we have learned today

is that dwarves give the best birthday gifts

so you should try and make up with your dwarf friends

no matter how short they are, or how bad they smell

or how much they keep eyeing your gold earrings

and licking their lips.

But that’s not the last wacky plan the gods come up with to avoid paying for shit . . .