Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology (2 page)

So everybody knows Zeus is the king of the gods right?

WRONG.

I mean, he is the king of the gods

but first of all, not everybody knows that

and second of all he wasn’t
always
the king of the gods.

Because, see, for a while there was this guy Uranus

who was a total asshole

(haha, Uranus)

anyway he was the king of the gods, born out of the sky

or maybe it was the aether?

but either way he was definitely married to Gaia

who some sources say
also
gave birth to him

so . . . awkward.

BUT LIKE I WAS SAYING

Uranus bones Gaia a bunch

because it is basically just him and Gaia alone in the universe

and what else are they gonna do?

And they have a whole bunch of kids

but then Uranus suddenly decides he hates all of the kids

and instead of like

giving them up for adoption or something

he just decides to try and STUFF THEM ALL BACK INTO HIS WIFE

like “THESE ARE NOT THE BABIES I ORDERED

I AM RETURNING THEM TO THE BABYSTORE.”

Which I think demonstrates a really shocking lack of understanding

of how babies are made.

Now, Gaia is the entire Earth, you understand

so this would be fine if they were like

normal
-sized children

you know, like BABIES or something

but they are not babies

they are TITANS.

OW.

So all these titans are writhing around in Gaia’s womb going nuts

and Gaia gets seriously fed up with this nonsense and tells one of them

whose name is Cronus

“Hey, Cronus

why don’t you and your candy-assed brothers get out of my womb

and do something useful, like murder your father?”

and Cronus says “How ’bout I do you one better

and saw off his balls?”

and Gaia says “That sounds like a fantastic plan!

Here, have my ball-sawing scythe!”

So one night Uranus is about to get busy with Gaia again

I guess so he can father another baby and then stuff it back into her

but instead of getting sex he gets a SURPRISE PENISECTOMY

Cronus all jumping out from behind a rock like “HAHA, GOT YOUR DICK, DAD.”

Which is something no son should ever have to say to his father.

Then Uranus’s dick falls into the ocean

and makes a whole ton of foam

and that is where Aphrodite comes from eventually

from dick foam.

You know that painting with her standing on the shell with all the angels and stuff?

Dick foam.

All of it.

So then Cronus is king of the gods suddenly

the gods being actually the other titans

including some dudes called the Cyclopes

who you probably know about already

(they are the ones with the congentially poor depth perception)

and also some other dudes called the Hecatoncheires

who are significantly less talked about

because they have A HUNDRED HANDS EACH AND THAT IS TERRIFYING.

So naturally Uranus especially hated these freaks when he was king.

And part of Cronus’s whole campaign platform for killing Uranus

was that he was totally gonna free those dudes

but no sooner is he king than he goes PSYCH

and stuffs them right back into Gaia’s cooch AGAIN.

So obviously Gaia is pretty sore about this whole thing

and then to make matters worse

an oracle tells Cronus that his kid is gonna kill him.

and he’s like “OH SHIT

WHICH KID?

I’VE GOT LIKE A GAZILLION KIDS

I NEED TO CUT DOWN

MAYBE I SHOULD STUFF THEM INTO MY—waaaait a second

I’m becoming my father.”

So instead Cronus comes up with a more sensible alternative

which is to stuff all his kids into his STOMACH

but the fact that he is eating his kids

does nothing to stop him from banging his wife Rhea

because when you are king of the gods banging is what you do.

So she keeps having kids

and he keeps demanding to eat them

but after a while she catches on to his crafty prank

and when she gives birth to Poseidon

she’s like “That’s weird, I gave birth to a horse instead of a kid. Whoops.”

And Cronus has no reason to disbelieve her because hey

if Aphrodite can come from dick foam why can’t Rhea pop out a horse?

So he eats the horse instead of Poseidon

and then he gets Rhea preggers AGAIN

and this time she is pregnant with ZEUS

and when Cronus is like “HEY, WIFE

SERVE ME UP A DOUBLE-CHILDREN CHEESEBURGER

WITH WAFFLE FRIES AND EXTRA PLACENTA”

she is super crafty and just takes a big rock

dresses it up like a baby

and then feeds it to Cronus

all like “Man, my womb is sure serving up some crazy stuff lately, huh?”

But Cronus catches on to that prank pretty fast

and starts running around putting random parts of the world in his mouth

hoping to find the one that has his son in it

so Rhea is like “Hey, Zeus you know what you should do?

You should go free those freaky mutant titans your dad imprisoned

and use them to murder your dad.”

And Zeus says, “I’ll do you one better:

how ’bout instead of killing him

I make him vomit up all my siblings

and then I just kinda . . .

imprison him somewhere?”

and Rhea is like “Well, it isn’t very brutal

but it
is
kinda gross. So okay.”

So Zeus and those ugly one-eyed dudes and the
really
ugly hundred-handed dudes

all siege the crap out of Cronus

and then they stick their fingers down his throat

and he barfs up all the gods and goddesses or at least a lot of them

(the rest of them get born later)

and then Zeus is the king of the gods

and those titan dudes are still ugly

so Zeus ends up imprisoning them all again.

So the moral of the story

is that if you are not ready to be a father

consider all of your options

before skipping directly to cannibalism.

So Zeus is just cruisin’ around, right

pickin’ mortal women to bone

and he sees this priestess named Semele in one of his temples

sacrificing this bull

and then swimming naked in a river (to wash off all that blood)

HOT.

So Zeus

who is an eagle right now and also a super creepy voyeur

is like WHOA BABY

GOTTA GET ME SOME OF THAT

and immediately starts having an affair with her.

Now Hera finds out about this

like she always does.

I mean, first of all

after the number of women Zeus has slept with

this chick has got to have like

spidey senses for infidelity

not that Zeus makes ANY EFFORT AT ALL to cover his tracks

and second of all, why is Hera still his wife?

I mean is he just
so incredibly unfaithful

that it wraps around and he is actually a good husband?

Anyway, Hera finds out about this latest sexcapade

and instead of divorcing her husband

she decides to prank him.

So she goes down to Earth and finds Semele

and she’s like “Hey, I’m Zeus’s wife.”

and Semele is like “AAAAH DON’T KILL ME”

and Hera is like “Hahaha I’m not going to kill you.

I am fine with my husband’s infidelity for some reason.

In fact I just wanted to let you know

that he and I have WAYYYY better sex than you and him.”

And Semele says “I dunno, man we have had some pretty epic boner adventures.”

And Hera says “Oh honey, you don’t even
know.

Next time you two are doing the horizontal monster mash

ask him to stick it to you like he sticks it to ME.”

So Semele says “Hmm, okay

you can’t possibly have any ulterior motives for telling me this.

I’ll do it.”

So next time she and Zeus get busy

she is like “Hold on there, bad boy

make love to me like you make love to your WIFE.”

and Zeus is like “Aww man, way to kill the mood.

Look, if I did that, you would explode.”

and Semele, thinking that he is speaking figuratively

is like “Come on, handsome, I can take it.

and anyway, I totally won’t believe you’re Zeus unless you do this.”

and Zeus is like “WHAT? NO, I’M TOTALLY ZEUS WHO SAYS I’M NOT?”

and he turns into lightning

and sets her on fire

and she explodes

and Zeus is like “Aww dammit

I knew this was gonna happen.

Now I gotta save the baby I was keeping inside of her

especially since I’m pretty sure my wife is gonna try and eat it or something.”

so Zeus grabs the baby

as it flies out of its mother’s exploding corpse

and he thinks real fast and sews it up in his thigh

and then after a few months of walking VERY awkwardly

and avoiding his wife even more than he already does

he goes and hides in a cave

and gives birth to this baby out his thigh

and this baby is none other

than Dionysus

the god of drinking so hard you wake up with TWO hangovers and then they FIGHT.

And later

when Dionysus grows up

he goes and frees Semele from Hades

and makes her a goddess

with a different name for some reason

(Thyone)

maybe so Hera won’t go catfight her ass.

So basically what this story teaches us

is that when you are having sex

you should never be lightning

but that’s not the last tomfoolery Dionysus finds himself in the middle of.

Oh no, my friends.

Read on . . .

So one day, Dionysus wakes up from a drunken stupor to find his foster father missing.

This surprises no one

because, see, Dionysus would not stand for having a foster father

who was not some kind of alcoholic satyr

and so naturally the two of them just get shitfaced like all the time

and Dionysus doesn’t even need to worry about being hung over at school

’cause his alcoholic foster father IS ALSO HIS SCHOOLMASTER.

His name is Silenus, by the way. He’s awesome.

Anyway, Dionysus wakes up one day and Silenus is not there

because he got real hammered and passed out in a rose garden

which happened to belong to this king named Midas.

Now, Midas is a pretty good king

and I will tell you why:

It is because when he finds some drunk satyr passed out in his rose garden

he does not get all butthurt about it and call the guards.

No, he invites the guy inside and makes him some sandwiches

and lets him crash on his couch for TEN DAYS while he nurses his epic hangover

at which point he gives him a ride home to Dionysus’s place

and Dionysus is all “NICE YOU BROUGHT MY DAD BACK.

Do you want a beer?”

And Midas is all “No thanks, man, I gotta drive home.”

And Dionysus is like “Well, I want to do
something
to thank you

but all I’ve got are these beers and these wishes.”

And Midas is like “I WISH FOR EVERYTHING I TOUCH TO TURN TO GOLD.”

and Dionysus is like “DONE.”

And then he and his dad go off to get trashed again

and probably get lost and end up granting some more ridiculous wishes

because that is how they do.

Anyway, Midas gets home and is like “GENTLEMEN

PREPARE ME A MARVELOUS FEAST.”

And he sits down at his ludicrous feast table

and he picks up this big ol’ leg of mutton

but before he can put it in his mouth

IT TURNS INTO GOLD

and he is like “OH NO.

Well, at least I can still get drunk.”

And he picks up his wineglass

which turns to gold, obviously

and he downs his wine

except that when it goes into his mouth it also turns into gold

and probably chokes him.

Maybe he even throws up in his mouth a little

but if he does

that shit TURNS TO GOLD.

AWESOME.

Actually I’m not sure what’s keeping all of Midas’s organs and bodily fluids

from turning his body into a California Gold Rush of suffering

but thank gods for the little things, right?

Anyway, King Midas is pretty hungry and thirsty

and he can’t think of anything to do about this shit

so he goes into his house and just starts turning everything into gold

because gods dammit

if he’s gonna starve to death

at least he is gonna starve to death in a weird gold house

and he gets so caught up in doing this

that he does not notice his daughter come into the room

and his daughter loves him so much

that she just wants to surprise him with a BIIIIG HUG

only she is the one who gets surprised

’CAUSE HER ASS GETS TURNED TO GOLD

not just her ass either

her whole body, and also her clothes.

Also, she is not the only one who is surprised

Midas is pretty surprised too

because he has just accidentally killed his daughter

but also made her like a billion times more valuable.

Seriously, who needs kids when you have solid gold statues of your kids?

But Midas doesn’t see it that way

because he has some kind of weird parent thing.

So he starts crying

and his tears probably turn into gold

which is incredibly uncomfortable

and just makes him cry more

but finally he gets ahold of himself and he’s like “HEY DIONYSUS

COME FIX THIS SHIT FOR ME.”

and Dionysus is like “What? Oh shit.

What have you done, man.

What is it with you mortals always starving to death and petrifying your daughters?”

Okay, well, I guess what you can do

is go bathe in this river called Pactolus

and that will solve your problems.”

so Midas does that, and it takes away his superpower

while simultaneously turning all the sand in the river gold

but does nothing to fix the fact

that Midas’s daughter is made of gold

which was kind of the most important thing but whatever.

So you know how when you’re eating a food you really like

and then you get the flu

and you vomit nonstop for like nine whole days

and then suddenly you do not like that food anymore?

Okay.

So imagine your favorite food is gold

and instead of an upset stomach

your daughter is dead.

Now you understand how Midas feels.

So he turns into a filthy gold-hating hippie

and abandons his entire kingdom

and becomes a follower of this god named Pan

who is a satyr and is in charge of playing music on some pipes

and Midas gets taught to play music by Orpheus

who I will totally tell you about later

because he is SO SWEET.

So then one day Pan is talking shit about Apollo the god of guitar riffs and prophecy

and saying how he can totally play better music than that guy

so Apollo shows up and is like “Bring it.”

and Pan definitely brings it

and Midas is all clapping his hands and singing along

but then Apollo just plays a SINGLE POWER CHORD

and this power chord is so legit that the judge just immediately gives him the win

But Midas is like “Dude, he didn’t even play a song.

Try not to choke on that dick, guys.”

and Apollo is all “I’LL TEACH YOU TO LISTEN TO MUSIC CRITICALLY.”

and BAM

Midas suddenly has donkey ears.

He gets super-embarrassed and hides his ears under a massive turban all the time

but of course his barber knows his secret

because even as a filthy hippie Midas is too regal to cut his own hair

and he swears the barber to secrecy

but the secret is TOO GREAT AND IMPORTANT FOR ONE MAN TO BEAR

so the barber does the only sensible thing

which is to dig a hole in the ground and whisper the secret into it.

But then a bunch of reeds grow out of the dirt and start whispering the secret everywhere

like “KING MIDAS HAS DONKEY EARS”

even though it is totally none of their business.

All of which just further proves the old adage:

Mo’ money

mo’ problems.