You're Not Broken (28 page)

Chapter Fourteen
Rowan

              “This wasn’t on the schedule,” I said as Jessa brushed some make up on her cheeks. I mentally shook my head. Didn’t she know she looked best when she was fresh faced with nothing on? Her skin was already so smooth and fair and her eyes, without all that heavy make up, looked clean and young.

              Jessa stared at herself intensely in the vanity mirror as she rubbed a brush against her eyelashes. Wasn’t that shit called mascara or something? I watched as she carefully widened her eyes so she could angle the brush differently. It looked exhausting being a woman.

              “I realize that,” she said, speaking slowly as if speaking too fast would ruin her make up application. “But life doesn’t always run according to schedule, my dear.”

              I took her teasing tone with relief. I had worried that after the abrupt shift last night, she would be angry with me. I had expected a lashing out, or even worse, the silent treatment.

              But no, Jessa had woken up with her normal sweet attitude with no other words said about last night. When I had made my way into the kitchen, the wine bottle and the scattered cards were all gone. I had felt a small ache to see the evidence of our moment of closeness gone like that but I figured maybe it was for the best. With Raze’s call, I couldn’t risk anything.

              “Where? When?” I asked.              

              Jessa had now moved on to lipstick. She made odd smacking noises as she applied the pink color. “Lunch at Maria’s. Jamie always wants to meet at Maria’s. He loves their enchiladas. I’m thinking I’ll be arriving around two,” she said, her lips open in a huge ‘O’ shape.

              “Thinking around two?” I said, leaning against the wall as I watched her make up ritual from behind. That wasn’t exactly a firm time for us to secure location and to protect her.

I saw both of us reflected in her large, well lit mirror. She looked up at me through the mirror.

              “Well, you know how LA people are,” she said giving me a wry smile. “We can say two but not show up till three thirty.”

              “Then wouldn’t you be better off showing up at three thirty?” I asked, unable to help myself from grinning.

              “Well, Jamie had said to meet at one,” she said, her smile widening. “That’s why we’re arriving at
around
two
.” She gave me a look as if she had just given me a valuable piece of education before she dissolved into a giggle.              

              I smiled back, fighting the urge to snatch her into my arms so I could press my face against her fragrant hair and feel her soft body against mine. It was amazing how she held no grudge from last night. She almost seemed understanding.

              “So get ready,” she said, running her fingers through her hair. “We should leave in another hour so we don’t get stuck in too much traffic.”

              I took in a deep breath. I tried to arrange my voice so it didn’t sound too callous but that it didn’t sound suspicious either. “Do you think you’d mind going with Agent Carson instead today?”

              Agent Carson was a junior agent working on Jessa’s case with Harrison and Todd. He had come in a few times as a temporary bodyguard when Jessa had been in between hiring a permanent one. He was a good agent. Young but reliable.

              Jessa’s hands stopped mid-motion, her fingers still tangled through her long hair. “Agent Carson?” she asked in a quiet confused voice. After all, Carson had only been called in on moments when she hadn’t had a permanent bodyguard.

              But now she did. She had me.

              Except I was now just as dangerous to her as her stalker was. So before I could do anything else, I had to keep that meeting with Raze. I had to see what he wanted before he tried anything more extreme to get my attention.

              I hadn’t expected Jessa to be leaving the house today. I was going to just step out for a little bit with a vague excuse while I put her security team on duty so I could meet with Raze. I didn’t think it would be hard since Jessa would just be home all day.

              But now this meeting with her agent had suddenly popped up and she was going out. Whenever she went out, it was my responsibility to escort and protect her.

             
But I
was
protecting her
, I reminded myself. I was protecting her by keeping my distance and keeping Raze away.

              “I have some personal matters that I need to see to today,” I said, coming off more brusque than I wanted to. “So I can get Agent Carson down here to escort you to Maria’s.”

              Jessa stared at me through the mirror. I could see her chewing on her bottom lip as if debating something. Finally, she asked in a voice that clearly said she was putting her heart in her hands, “Do you have to go today? I’d rather have you with me than Agent Carson when I go out.” 

              And I felt like the biggest asshole as I stood up and gave her a short shake of the head. “It’s important,” I said simply with no offer of explanation. After all, what could I say that wouldn’t put her in more danger? “I’ll call Carson.”

              I walked out of the room, feeling like I had just kicked a puppy.

              Since I wasn’t an FBI agent, I wasn’t technically required to be with Jessa at all times. Agent Carson would understand if I said I needed a few hours to take care of some personal matters. But of course, just like Jessa, I didn’t want to leave her either. I didn’t want her to go out under anyone else’s protection but my own.

              But as I dialed the number to the agent, I had to take in a deep breath and remind myself,
I
am
protecting her. Staying away from me
is
protection for her.

***

             
The salty air of ocean mixed with the greasy smell of tankers and ships at the docks. I leaned against one of the empty shipping containers as I waited. I had come out to this exact spot on a handful of occasions before. But never for just a meeting.

              Never to meet the real Raze.

              In a way, this was the first time I was really meeting Raze. All the things I had thought I had known about him before were really just lies. Now that I knew the truth, I was meeting the real man who had destroyed cities and lives with a frightening ease.

              I heard steady footsteps approaching. I straightened up, preparing myself.

              A dark figure rounded the corner of the container and just like that, I felt myself hurled back in time as I looked at my old club president, Raze.

              Like me, Raze was tall. He was thickly built with a neck that bulged with muscle and veins. Even though he was nearly twice my age, he had that hardened look that made him seem deadly even at his age. His arms were thick and were covered the dull shadings of a lifetime of tattoos. He wore his cut and I had a pang to see the Black Wings patch. After all, I had spent nearly a lifetime chasing it.

              Raze ran a hand over his thick gray stubble that was close to becoming a beard. “Ah, Steel,” he said, his nearly black eyes glinting at me in pleasure. “It’s so good to see you again.”

              I stood straight with my arms crossed and my feet planted. “Raze,” I acknowledged.

              A moment of thick silence filled the space between us. Even the greasy ocean air couldn’t cut through. We stared at each other as we assessed how much and how differently the other person had changed.

              Raze looked a little bit older, a little bit more ragged around the edges but for the most part, the man still looked like the charismatic and domineering leader I had followed at Low Pointe. With his overwhelming physical presence, Raze was a hard man to ignore.

              “I’m glad you came,” he said, his dark gaze roaming quickly over me, taking in how much I had changed in the time apart.

              I quirked a brow. “After threatening to kill an innocent girl if I refused, how could I say no?” I let the sarcasm pierce through my words.

              Raze lifted his head, breathing in deeply, as if he was breathing in my words. “I didn’t know you had such an affection for movie stars,” he said, his gravelly voice dry and harsh. His eyes took on a cold hardness. “When did you become such a simpering fan?”

              “Trying to keep people alive isn’t a crime,” I said forcefully, thinking of all the people that had died in Raze’s wake.

              It was clear Raze knew what I was talking about as well. “Some people aren’t worth keeping alive though, brother,” he said in equal force.

              “What do you want?” I demanded almost wearily. I wanted to be free from this. I felt dirty just being in the same space with Raze. Too many haunting memories of the sins I had committed came back whenever I was near him or the Black Wings.

              “Manuelo,” Raze said bluntly. “I need you to organize one last drop with him.”

              “Jax can do it,” I said. “Jax has worked with Manuelo before. I’ve even vouched for Jax when we did drops before. He knows him. There’s trust.”

              Raze shook his head. “Not like the trust he has in you. And this is a big one. It’s a record shipment and it’ll need the best man for the job. Jax can’t do it.” Raze pinned me with his black eyes. “Only you, Steel.”

              I flicked my eyes over Raze’s Black Wings patch, something I remembered dying to finally earn, and then looked up at him. “I’m not a member anymore, Raze,” I said slowly. “I’ve gone under.”

              There was a set code for riders and clubs. And one big motorcycle club code was once a rider went under, his decision and privacy was respected. A rider going under meant complete disconnection. He was now no longer considered a part of the club and his life is then considered a completely separate sphere from the club world. You never contacted, called, or saw a rider who had chosen to go under.

              Riders went under for dozens of reasons but every rider who went under also knew their responsibilities. Whatever activities you had been apart of in the club, illicit or not, were now buried. You never discussed it, you never acknowledged it. By going under, you were agreeing to lock away that part of your life into a vault, never to open again.

              I had gone under. It had been made clear when I had left my patch at the club. It was unthinkable for a club president to call an under member like Raze had done. It was even more unthinkable to drag an under member back into club affairs.

              “You made a mistake, Steel,” Raze said, his deep voice husky with disapproval. “You could’ve been my successor. You’re a good leader. You have it in you. You don’t have to stay under.”

              “I
want
to stay under. There’s no way in fucking hell I would lead a club as dirty and crooked as yours.”

              “As
ours,
” Raze corrected, his voice hard.

              “As
yours
,” I recorrected, my voice even harder.

              “Then consider this your farewell gift to the Black Wings,” Raze said, seeing that my resolve would not weaken. “Help us finish this last drop off with Manuelo and then you can go back to being some movie star’s lapdog.”

              My head shot up. “Last drop off?” I repeated, my eyes narrowing in suspicion. “What do you mean, last drop off?” Did he mean
my
last drop off? Or possibly…Manuelo’s?

              Raze waved a hand dismissively. “Has Hollywood made you so paranoid? Last is last! What more do you want? If you want your LA life so bad, then work with us and you can get back to being under that much faster.”