Your Princess is in Another Castle (26 page)

“Hey,” says Chris,
“I’m not entirely convinced you’re not a necrophile like Carl and Emily, and I’m not ever going to be until you confess your secret sexual fetish.”

“Dude, how many times must I t
ell you?” asks Seth.  “I don’t have any fetishes.”

I audibly clear my throat.  “Before we got onto the subject of necrophilia
, you guys were talking to me like you already know it isn’t going to work out with Jessica.”

“It might and it might not,” says Seth.  “
I’m just saying the other possibility is that Jessica will want to remain friends only and you need to be prepared to hear that from her should she feel that way.”

“Yeah,” says C
hris.  “And if it does go south, remember that you’re not going to be alone down there in the South Pole because Sabrina is waiting for you.  Remember that.”

“I will,” I say. 
“I’m prepared for both outcomes.”

“
On a more positive note,” says Seth, “as I lied with my arms around the Lee twins I enjoyed a feeling of overwhelming euphoria the likes of which I’d never felt before.  In fact, euphoria is too weak a word.  It was more like Nirvana.  I imagine that’s how you’d be feeling after getting with Jessica.”

“There’s only
one way to do justice to the sense of bliss I’d be feeling after making love to Jessica for the first time,” I say.  “I’d have to perform a Langella Monologue.”    

“A what?” asks Chris.

“A Langella Monologue,” I say.  “You know, Frank Langella, the actor?  Deep voiced, imposing stature. Revered on the stage for his portrayal of Dracula and also known for his villains of the silver screen.  He’s quite simply the best in the business when it comes to giving villainous monologues.  Whereas a Bond villain might use a monologue to gloat over the impending death of 007 or gleefully explain his master plan, a Langella Monologue is something more.  A Langella Monologue speaks of finally achieving lifelong goals, of reaching ends to the most obsessive and far-reaching quests, of the completion of aims beyond the means of ordinary men.  A Langella Monologue is a triumphant verbalization establishing the speaker’s newly acquired invincibility. 

“Take
Frank Langella as Boris Balkan in The Ninth Gate.  In the film, Balkan is a rare book collector who’s recently acquired one of only three remaining copies of The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows, a book containing a puzzle that when solved will reveal how to summon the Devil himself and acquire power that puts one on the path of equality with God.  At the end of the film with the clues deciphered Balkan travels to the ruins of an ancient castle and stands within a circle of fire and performs the ritual.  It is during the ritual that Balkan delivers the Langella Monologue.  He begins it as all Langella Monologues must begin: with a whispered
yes
. 

“
Balkan then proceeds to describe what it’s like to have such great power surging through him.  He speaks of being capable of performing any feat, mind or body.  How he could walk on water.  He throws his hands into the flames and speaks of feeling nothing at all.  Truly, a brilliantly delivered Langella Monologue accompanied by an excellent musical score. 

“Another example is
Frank Langella as Skeletor in the Masters of the Universe live-action film.  Now all around it’s far from the best movie ever made, but Langella’s Skeletor is truly one of film’s greatest villains, and definitely the most underappreciated.  Skeletor of course has the lifelong obsession with obtaining the cosmic powers of Castle Grayskull and using them to conquer the world of Eternia, not to mention using them to defeat his greatest enemy, He-Man.  At the beginning of the film Skeletor storms Grayskull, seizes the throne room and then must wait until moonrise, the time at which he’ll be able to absorb all the powers of Grayskull.

“
At the climax of the film, Skeletor stands in the throne room of Grayskull mocking a captured and chained He-Man.  Moonrise comes and Skeletor begins absorbing all the energies of Grayskull into his body, at which point he delivers his Langella Monologue.  And of course, Skeletor begins it with a whispered
yes
.  He then speaks of being one with the cosmos itself, of how the people and planet of Eternia are nothing to him.  He exclaims that he is now more than man, more than life.  How he is now a god. 

“
Skeletor’s monologue is especially analogous to my situation because making Jessica mine would give me victory over my rival Scott, just as Skeletor gained victory over He-Man.  And performing my own Langella Monologue would be the only way worthy of celebrating so great a victory as that.”

“Excellent moments from excellent villains,” says
Chris.  “So I guess for you to deliver a Langella Monologue properly with the whispered yes and all, you’d need the proper setup.  Maybe Jessica could cuddle up to you after having sex and ask if it was good for you, too.  And she just might ask that, she’d want to know how you’d enjoyed it seeing as how it’ll have been your first time and everything.  And you could answer Jessica with a whispered
yes
, then start the Langella Monologue proper. 

“
Now I think that to do it properly though you’d have to ejaculate directly inside her.  You can’t wear a condom and rely on the reservoir tip to contain your seed and then deliver a Langella Monologue.  No.  And no pulling out, either.  You’d have to ejaculate inside Jessica and without protection, as God intended.  Better hope she’s on the pill, man.”

“Yeah,” I say, not appreciative of the sudden
explicit reminder of such sexual mechanics.”

“I’ll agree, great
villain moments,” says Seth.  “But yet a seriously flawed analogy.  Skeletor was ultimately killed by He-Man a few minutes after becoming a god and Boris Balkan didn’t survive for much longer after his Langella Monologue, either.”

“Well, yeah,
that’s true,” I admit.

“Skeletor
’s not killed,” says Chris.  “There’s a post-credits scene where he rises out of the pit he fell into and vows to return, although a sequel was never made.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” I say.

“But Balkan did die,” says Seth.  “And although Skeletor may have lived he still lost to He-Man, so I’m not so sure the Langella Monologue ensures any kind of lasting victory on the speaker’s part.”

“Ba
lkan and Skeletor were both bad guys,” I say.  “I’m a good guy.  My cause is righteous.  Theirs was sinister.  Tonight I shall make Jessica mine and in the aftermath a Langella Monologue will be performed.  Then we’ll live happily ever after.  Let it be so.”   

Jessica has her arms outstretched as soon as I open the door.  She’s been crying, probably on and off since it happened.  Jessica’s never really gotten used to the breakups, is always in the maximum amount of pain each time, as if each one was entirely unexpected.  But now she wants a hug and I give her one.  While it is not worth having to see her in such a weepy state, a breakup hug always lasts longer than a goodbye hug, and Jessica is never the one to pull away from a breakup hug.  And I value them not for bringing her body to mine but for the fact that I know I’m genuinely being some comfort to her.  

“Hi,”
I say, finally letting go of Jessica.

“Hi,”
she says.  “Thanks for seeing me.”

“Thanks for wanting to see me.”
 

“You know
that you’re my best bud and I can always count on you to make me smile, right?”

“
I love to see you smile.  Don’t read too much into it, though.  My mom just listened to a lot of Randy Newman when she was pregnant with me.”

Jessica laughs.  “See?  Told ya.”

“So what’s on the books for tonight?”

“I dunno.  Lie
in bed together, watch some TV, bash our exes?”

“That sounds go
od to me.” 

My
dorm room is sparsely furnished like the cell of a monk.  It contains only a bed and two matching dressers, desks, and uncomfortable wooden chairs, the default pieces of furniture that came with the room.  There being two of everything but the bed serves as a reminder that the room once housed two students, although I live alone and the only person who’s ever slept here concurrently with me has been Jessica.  In part because there is no furniture for lounging she doesn’t mind sharing my bed with me when she’s over.  Jessica’s also willing to spend the night so long as we sleep head to toe, eliminating any possibility that I could find myself with my arms around her when I wake up in the morning.

J
essica sets her gym bag on my desk, suggesting she may have brought some sleepover items with her.  I cross my fingers in hope that she’s brought her cloud pajamas, but the first items she removes are two books.

“Before I forget, I bro
ught these for you,” says Jessica.  “These are the Twilight series books I was telling you about.  I finished the second one.  Now I can’t wait for the third.  I’m thinking about going to the midnight release party when it comes out.”  Jessica takes the books and carefully places them atop my copy of Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman, officially making them next on my reading list. 

“Yeah, I forgot you’re the twilight p
rincess,” I say.

“Don’t make fun.  Like I said, you might pick
up some valuable tips on how to behave with women from Edward Cullen.” 

“Uh-huh.  Well, I’ll give them a look sometime.”
  They can’t be much worse than Dwayne’s rape story.

Jessica sits on my bed and kicks
off her shoes.  She’s wearing her pink frog socks tonight.  They are her favorite pair of socks for Jessica loves anything having to do with frogs.  If I were Jessica’s boyfriend, for her first birthday that we were together I would buy her a birthday card with a frog on it.  While I could do such a thing just being her friend, it is something I have reserved only for when I am more than that.  “I see you’re wearing your frog socks tonight,” I say.

“Of course, I love my froggy socks.”
 

She never says frog, only fr
oggy, one of the many recurring priceless Jessica moments.

Jessica and I have spent the last two hours watching The Game Show Network, viewing reruns of old game shows that ended their original broadcast run several years before either of us were born.  During each commercial break we mock ourselves for having nothing better to do.  But there isn’t anything I’d rather be doing right now than being with Jessica.    

“So every time there’s a commercial
break advertising modern products I’m reminded we’re not actually living in the late seventies,” says Jessica.

“I would have liked the
seventies, I think.  I could’ve seen Star Wars on the big screen without having to see Greedo shoot first and play Pong minus the beer.”

“What
, you don’t like beer pong?”

“I’ve never played it.  Never
really been in a situation where it was being played anywhere near me.”

“You
know, I just so happen to be a beer pong champ.  Maybe I could teach you sometime.”

“You
’re a beer pong champ?”

“Yep.  But I’ve always had really good aim when
it comes to throwing balls into cups.  When I was a little girl I went to a taping of the Bozo the Clown show and I got picked to play the Grand Prize Game where you try and throw a ball into six cups that are further and further away, but if you missed once you were out.  I never missed and won the grand prize.  So I guess it’s just in my blood.  My mom still has the tape at my house. It was the highlight of my summer that year.  So you want me to give you some lessons sometime?”

“I don’t know.  Me being with a hot girl at a beer pong tournament in some
sorority house or something, well, that might just make a tear in the space-time continuum.”   

Jessica laughs.
  “Oh look,” she says, “a commercial for Bally’s.  I can’t wait for the new year to start so I can break my resolution of getting fit.  I keep telling myself that since I have no chest I may as well get a nicely toned ass, but I never follow through.”

The commercial for Bally’s shows a bunch of
athletic men and women working out on various machines to a pop rock song that was popular back in the mid nineties.  I instantly recognize the song and band, a fact which if Seth were to learn would likely earn me a punch in the face.  “Nothing like an instrumental version of The Sign to get your blood pumping for a good workout,” I say. 

Jessica laughs again.  “Oh my god!  I can’t be
lieve you know the name of that song!”   

“
Well, it was Ace of Base’s best song.  I could sing it for you if you wanted.”

“I dare you to!”

“I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes and I am happy now living without you, I’m letting you go,” I sing as best I can.

Jessica buries her hysterical face in my pillow. 
“Oh my god!” she says coming up for air.  “That was awesome.  You really have an awful singing voice, you know that?”