Your Princess is in Another Castle (24 page)

“I indulged as you did,
Jimmy,” says Chris.  “Freely and without judgment. Rebecca took good care of me.  She was the buxom redhead that looked like MJ.  I even had her call me tiger once.  Not just for my own fanboy sake either, but rather for the sake of all fans, all fans who fully understand that Kirsten Dunst has neither the body nor the talent to be worthy of uttering such a pet name.   

“B
ut that’s not the primary reason I chose Rebecca, of course.  I chose her because she was a sure-footed Van Tassel.  The lankiest of schoolteachers and the biggest of oafs equally would appreciate her feet.  I certainly did.  Everything I could have done for those feet, I did. Kissing, sucking, massaging.  And I gave Rebecca a pedicure.  I painted her toenails a shade of red as fiery as the flames of Uriel’s sword, I did.”  Chris chugs his beer and slams it down on the bar. 

Jimmy looks pleased and turns to me expectantly. 

“I chose Christine Dayspring, the blonde in the cutie pi shirt,” I say.  “We talked and played around.  No sex.  But it was an experience worth having and one that I needed.  Christine convinced me to be upfront with Jessica about how I feel about her.”  

“Say no more,” says Jimmy.  “I understand complet
ely.  It was a conversation you were meant to have.”  Jimmy orders a drink as well.

Chris excitedly goes into further detail
about his party for Jimmy, recounting the same details he shared with me until he is interrupted by the appearance of Seth.

“This is the guy!” shouts Seth, walking
up behind Chris and rubbing his shoulders.  “This is the guy who put us on the path!”  Seth kisses the top of Chris’ head. “I’ve got a confession to make, Chris.  Ever since I first met you, I’ve always thought you were a little unstable.  A bit of a psychopath at times, even.  But I was wrong.  Wrong to feel that way.  For it was your spirited attack on Kevin that set in motion the chain of events that brought us here.  That brought me to the Lee twins, who not an hour ago actually woke me up with a double blowjob!” 

Seth begins laughing uncontrollably, put
ting his arms around Chris and me. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Justin,” he says to me.  “It was you who suggested going to Target.  You could have suggested Wal-Mart or Toys R Us, but you didn’t.  Because you knew.  Knew that it would be only at Target where we would cross paths with Jerry Reeves and Delilah Summons. And we alone heeded their call!” 

Seth takes his arms off Chris and me
and stretches them towards the sky.  “Bartender! Give me a shot.  A double-shot.  Of anything, I don’t care what.”  Drink in hand, Seth looks down the bar at Jimmy.  “I’m grateful to you as well, Jimmy.  You used Tolkien to turn the tide in favor of coming here.  I’m glad you joined us.”

“So am I,” says Jimmy.  “So am I.”
   

“Now I was the first to find who I wanted,” says
Seth.  “But I trust you three also enjoyed your parties?”

We all explain
our stories to Seth.  Jimmy spoke most casually by far, perhaps due to him having already experienced his fantasy with Felicia so many times before. Chris lost none of his enthusiasm in explaining his party for the third time.  Seth listened to me keenly as I told him about my conversation with Christine.  He made no comments about me not having sex with her, his euphoria over the twins leaving him unconcerned. My story finished, we all drink in silence for a few moments, reflecting on our experiences.    

“I had a thought last night while I was in bed with
the twins,” says Seth.  “Lacey was on my left, Stacey was on my right.  Or was it the other way around?  I’m not sure. They’re identical twins you see, so it’s hard to tell for sure.  Anyway, while I had my arms around the twins I started thinking about the novel A Game of Thrones.  You guys have read that, right?”

“Yeah, I have,” I say.
  “Although I haven’t read the latest book in the series yet.”

“I’ve read the entire series,” says Chris. 
“After I gave up on Robert Jordan ever finishing The Wheel of Time.”

“What about you
, Jimmy?” asks Seth.

“I couldn’t get past the prologue
of the first book,” says Jimmy.  “I’d heard good things, but it was nothing but a transparent Tolkien imitation.  George R.R. Martin even uses the same double
R
initials as J. R.R. Tolkien, which is just inviting comparison.  And the world needs more Tolkien imitators about as much as CollegeHumor.com needs more uploaded pictures of snowmen with erections.  Martin’s whole concept of an ancient evil returning to life in the harsh, cold land of the north is nothing more than an icy rip-off of the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie.”       

“Allrighty,
” says Seth.  “For the uninitiated, there’s a character in A Game of Thrones named Jamie Lannister.  He’s a badass knight who slew the previous king of The Seven Kingdoms of Westeros.  Now that king was a madman, so he had it coming.  And after the regicidal deed was done, Jamie Lannister became known as the Kingslayer.  He performed a very notable deed and was rewarded for it with an awesome nickname.  Everyone in Westeros knows Jamie Lannister to be the Kingslayer.

“Now
, I myself just banged a pair of twins.  So from now on, I want to be known as the Twinbanger.  When you see me, you’ll greet me by saying ‘hail, Twinbanger!’  You will also refer to me as the Twinbanger even when I’m not around, in fact, especially when I’m not around.  For example, you’d say ‘party at Twinbanger’s, are you going?’ or ‘have you seen the Twinbanger lately?’  I believe I’ve earned such a title.”

“Sorry
, Seth, but I can’t do that,” says Chris.  “Because you didn’t actually earn it.  Now, if we’d gone down to Tijuana or something and you’d actually seduced a pair of twins and gotten them into bed with pure skill then yeah, you could be known as the Twinbanger.  But Lacey and Stacey were bought and paid for, just not by you yourself. But bought and paid for all the same.  It’s like if Jamie Lannister had hired an assassin to kill the mad king.  That wouldn’t actually make Jamie the Kingslayer.”   

“Chris’
right,” I say.  “I have a thing for one of my professors, Mary McMullan. She’s substantially older than me.  So if I hooked up with her now, I could say I’ve been with a milf.  But that’s because of the age difference.  If I were a middle-aged professor myself and got together with Mary, then I’d hardly be able to boast about the milf I’d just scored because then it’d just be a normal workplace romance.”

“
Yeah,” says Jimmy.  “If you want to read some good fantasy other than The Lord of the Rings, you should pick up a copy of the Saga of the Volsung or something else that Tolkien was inspired by.  I mean honestly, any fantasy post-Tolkien isn’t worth reading because every other author is ultimately just ripping off Tolkien in one way or another.  But I agree that you shouldn’t be known as the Twinbanger.  While it is true that we all made a sacrifice to get these girls, a significant sacrifice even, it was not through our own prowess that it was accomplished.  So a nickname to be referred to by, well, that was not earned this day.” 

“I see the
points you’re all making,” says Seth.  “So I will hold off on the Twinbanger title until such a time as it has been truly earned.  And hopefully that time will be soon, because I’m pretty much done with one-on-one sex.  It just won’t be the same anymore.  Not now.  Not after the Lee twins.”

“Ah,
what have we here?” asks a voice.  I turn and see that it’s Delilah Summons who spoke.  She stands behind us wearing a sleeveless black outfit showing off her many tattoos as well as thigh-high leather boots.  She also has violet eyes, which I didn’t notice until now.

Delilah
reminds me of the first time I reached Shao Kahn while playing Mortal Kombat II in the arcade.  With no idea what to do Kahn proceeded to beat me down so hard it made the defeats of Darth Maul and Boba Fett look like the death of Roland himself.  Having used my last quarters just to reach Kahn, our first match was also our last, a less than a minute ordeal that left me wondering how I could possibly be able to handle him.  Sex with Delilah would likely be similar, a blink and I’d miss it affair that would conclude with her putting her foot on my chest and raising her arm in victory.  Though I would not last long, for Delilah the very point would be a quick victory in which I put forth no resistance.  

“The ones who came,” says Delilah. 
She paces back and forth in front of us like a drill sergeant and appears to be about as impressed as one would be with a pack of new recruits.  “An incestigator,” she says placing her hands on Seth’s shoulders. “A pussy,” she says slapping me upside the head.  “A shrimper,” she says placing her foot against Chris’ crotch.  “And a beastman,” she says to Jimmy which she follows up by purring like a cat.  “A curious quartet.  But I think that you’re the nastiest of all,” Delilah says as she sits on Chris’ lap. 

“You’re really one to talk,” counters Chris.
  “I mean have you watched your own scenes lately?  There are Japanese schoolgirls who’ve been tentacle-raped and gone through a hundred man bukkake that have less to be ashamed about than you do.”

Delilah slaps Chris across the face as hard she can.  Before he can r
eact she shoves her tongue down his throat.  Chris wraps his arms around Delilah and they engage in a primeval makeout.

“I’m here to offer you
all a second go around,” says Delilah, finally coming up for air.  “But only with me.  And not for free of course, but half off my regular price.  At least for the incestigator, the beasty boy, and my shrimper, here.”  Delilah bites Chris’ earlobe.  “The virgin, however, I’ll still have for free, since so far he’s been too much of a pussy to actually use his get out of celibacy free card.”

I look at Delilah wondering if Christine told her everything we talked about.
  She smirks back at me while twirling her finger through Chris’ hair.

“Don’t look so surprised,
virgin,” says Delilah.  “Your little all-American Barbie girl didn’t tell me anything.  I wouldn’t waste even a moment of my time talking with that saccharine-laden cupcake.  No, I had you pegged as a virgin the moment I saw you standing in line at that Target store.  And I can see that nothing’s changed yet. 

“
I just don’t want you to leave here with the only hand that’s ever touched your dick still being your own.  And since you and your friends were the only four who came here, I’m extending you all some special courtesy.  Now, you four can take me on one at a time or all at once, your choice.” 

I recall the Shredder challenging the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the same manner back in their comic debut.

“Sorry darlin’ but count me out
,” says Seth.  “I’m completely depleted.  Lacey and Stacey were pretty much insatiable.  So I’m spent.  And I want my last memory here to be of me in bed with my arms around both of the twins.  And just for the record, I’m not an incestigator.  They didn’t do anything to each other, so it wasn’t incest.”

“
Uh-huh,” says Delilah.  “So you didn’t have them stroke each other’s hair, have one drape her leg across the other’s while you went down on them both, and have them do as much caressing of each other as they were willing to do?”

“You’re not running a
monastery here,” says Seth.

“Count me out too, Delilah,” says Jimmy.  “No offense, but with the t
attoos and all you’re just too human for me.  And I’m also totally spent.” 

“Fine,” says Delilah.
  “But you’re still game at least, aren’t you?” she asks Chris while fondling his crotch. 

Chris nods approvingly and rubs Delilah’s leg.
 

“Good,” says Delilah.  “
So it’ll be the foot fetishist and his virgin buddy in a double team.  I like that.  You guys can do an eiffel tower on me.”

“What’s an eiffel t
ower?” asks Chris. 

Delilah rolls her eyes.  She whispers what is presumably an explanation into Chris’ ear
and he winces.

“I’m going to
say no, too,” I say.  “And I didn’t waste my visit.  I spent all of last night with Christine Dayspring.”

“Aw, I know
ya did,” says Delilah.  “And I bet you cuddled and snuggled the shit out of her, didn’t you?  So what is it that you’re afraid of, virgin?  Why the fear to fuck?”

“I’m not afraid of
anything,” I say.  “And what Christine and I had last night was better than sex.”

“That was pathetic,” says Delilah.
  She bounds off Chris’ lap and stands him up.  “So, it looks you’re the only one who’s got the balls to handle me.  And I mean that literally.  Did you guys know that your friend here is hung like a mammoth?”

Chris reddens.  “You’re
down with the whole foot fetish thing, right?”

“Y
ou’re gonna do whatever the hell I tell you to do and nothing more,” rasps Delilah.  She drags Chris away by the hand.

“Delilah
’s right,” says Jimmy.  “I went swimming with Chris once back in high school.  Saw him change in the locker room.  He tried to hide it, but I saw.  You know how in the film version of The Return of the King the Witch-King swung around that gigantic flail? Well, that flail is pretty much Chris soft.  When he’s fully erect he’s gotta be like Grond, you know the huge wolf’s head battering ram that the orcs use to break down the gate of Gondor?  His moneyshot must be like the spread gun from Contra.”