Young Frankenstein (7 page)

She thought a moment and smiled. "He would have an enormous
schwanzstucker
,"
she said.

"That goes without saying."

"He's going to be very popular," Igor said.

"So then," the doctor said, "what we're aiming for is a being approximately seven feet in height, with all features either congenitally or artificially proportionate in size."

Igor held up the pad on which he had been sketching
.
"Would he look something like this?" he asked
.

The doctor and Inga studied the drawing. The creature that Igor had sketched bore a striking resemblance to the popular conception of the Frankenstein monster.

"Hello, yes, you've caught something there," the doctor said approvingly. "Crude, yes. Primitive, no doubt. Still, something tells me that this might be our man." He glowed
.
"By thunder, the dogs have got the scent and the hunt is on! Quickly now!" He glanced toward a window
.
"There's a storm coming up
.
We don't have a moment to lose
.
"

"Where to?" Igor asked
.

"In search of a body, of course," Dr. Frankenstein told him, rising. "Igor, my man, hitch the horses to the cart and we'll be off!"

Igor rose quickly and in his strange, crippled gait, scurried from the room.

"What can I do?" Inga asked the doctor.

"You can clear this table," he told her.

"Is this . . . where you intend to ...
to do it?"

"Heavens, no. I just don't like to see dirty dishes standing around."

Leaving Inga to tidy up, the doctor joined Igor in the courtyard. When the horses had been hitched to the cart, they set out. The rain was falling harder. The moon was hidden behind dark clouds. And the werewolves were howling again.

"This is terrible country, this rain, rain, rain," the doctor complained
.

"Look on the bright side-we never have a drought," Igor said.

"Yes, but-"

"Our lawns never get brown."

"Yes, I guess there are advantages."

They soon reached the outskirts of the village. They drove straight through to the other outskirts. As they approached the prison, Dr. Frankenstein touched a finger to his lips, cautioning Igor to be quiet.

"I didn't say anything," Igor responded.

"What's that clippety-clop?"

"That's the horses
.
"

"Oh
.
Then we better walk from here
.
"

Igor halted the horses, and he and the doctor got down from the cart and proceeded on foot. As they got closer to the prison, they crouched low. In a flash of lightning, they saw a gallows, and, hanging from it, a body.

"That's our man," the doctor whispered.

"1 knew we'd find a body hanging around somewhere," Igor said.

They heard voices
.

"I don't think that guy's quite dead-he's talking to himself," Igor said
.

"No-look!"

There were two dark shapes moving about at the base of the gallows
.

"Somebody else has an experiment going," Igor said. "You don't suppose that was a lending library you got that book out of, do you?"

"No-shhh!"

The doctor and Igor hid themselves behind a large tree near the gallows and listened
.
They soon determined that the two men who were talking were grave-diggers and that they had been sent to take the body of the hanged man to the cemetery
.

"For now, all we can do is wait," the doctor whispered to Igor
.
"Then we'll follow them."

"I don't think we'll be allowed to drive that cart in a funeral procession," Igor said.

"Why not?"

"The horses don't have any headlights to turn on."

"Sh-sh-sh!"

Waiting, they watched the gravediggers remove the body from the gallows and listened to their conversation.

"Look at him swinging," the first gravedigger said disgustedly.

The second gravedigger hummed a few bars, then broke into song
.
"
. .
. Ee's swing-ing in the rain . . ."

The first gravedigger cuffed him. "Shut your filthy mouth, blasphemer!" he said. "Let's not forget: he had a mother."

"Not this one. Ee 'ad no muver. Murderer, 'at's what ee was. Murderer!""

"Never mind that. Let's get a move on. It's a long, cold ride to the cemetery."

The gravediggers loaded the body into a crude wooden coffin and put the box aboard a wagon, then set off. As soon as they had gone, the doctor and Igor hurried back to their cart and horses
.
Soon, they, too, were on their way to the prison cemetery
.

The gravediggers were already at work when Dr. Frankenstein and Igor arrived. They hid behind a tombstone and watched as the men dug a hole, then lowered the coffin into it. The rain had stopped, but a chilling wind had risen. Waiting and watching, the doctor and the hunchback shivered in the cold.

"I'm chilled to the bone," the doctor complained.

"What about me," Igor replied. "I'm chilled to the bone for two."

"Pardon?"

"My hump," Igor explained.

The doctor peered at him through the dimness. "What hump?"

At last, the gravediggers completed the job and departed.
When they were out of sight, the doctor and Igor emerged from hiding and began digging.

"What a filthy job," the doctor said, when they were knee-deep in the grave.

"Could be worse," Igor said.

"How?"

"Could start raining again."

Lightning crashed
.
Once more, the rain came pouring down.

"You and your big mouth!" the doctor said grimly.

When the doctor and Igor had the coffin out of the ground, they loaded it onto the cart and covered it with a canvas, then headed back toward the castle. On the bumpy road the wooden box rattled around noisily
.

"It's a good thing everyone's asleep," the doctor said, as they approached the village. "That coffin is making enough noise to wake the dead."

"You have a way of putting things," Igor said.

They entered the village. On the rough cobblestone street the coffin bounced about even more. Halfway through the town, the cart struck a pothole, and the wooden box in back went sliding out and crashed to the ground.

Dr. Frankenstein and Igor got down and surveyed the damage
.
The coffin was on the verge of falling apart
.
But, worse, an arm, very stiff, was protruding from one end
.
The doctor pushed the arm back in. The arm came popping back out.

The doctor shrugged. "No big deal," he said.

The two loaded the box back onto the cart and covered it again with the canvas. The arm, however, continued to protrude
.

"We better tie a red flag on it or we're going to get a ticket," Igor said
.

"I don't think that's-"

The doctor was interrupted by a deep voice that come out of the darkness
.

"Need a hand?" the voice asked.

Igor dived under the canvas.

Turning, the doctor saw a town constable approaching. The man was smiling amiably. Quickly, the doctor backed up against the cart. He felt a very stiff arm slide between his own arm and his ribs
.
It stuck out as if it were the doctor's arm,

"No, thank you, don't need a hand-have one," the doctor told the constable. "Thanks all the same."

The constable looked at him speculatively
.
"I know everyone in this neighborhood, sir, but I've never seen your face before," he said. "Can you account for yourself?"

"I'm Dr. Frederick Fronkonsteen, newly arrived from America."

"Oh, yes," the constable said, his manner becoming amiable again. "I was told you were here. Well, I'm Constable Henry, sir. I'm pleased to meet you." He extended a hand.

The stiff hand stretched forward and the Constable grasped it and shook it.

"Very nice to meet you," the doctor said.

The stiff arm retracted
.

"Pleasure," the constable said
.
"You look chilled, sir," he said. "A nice warm fire is what you want." He winked. "A nip from the old bottle wouldn't be a bad idea either, would it?"

"Yes, yes, that would be the ticket."

"Well, if you have everything in hand, I'll say goodnight to you."

"Thank you very much."

"At your service, sir-always," the constable said, saluting.

The stiff arm flew up, returning the salute.

"Good-night again, sir."

"Good-night, Constable."

When the man had gone, the doctor raised the canvas. Igor was there, still with a firm grip on the stiff arm.

"Good work!" the doctor said.

"I like to keep a hand in," Igor said modestly
.

The journey continued
.
When the doctor and Igor reached the castle, they lifted the coffin from the cart and carried it inside, then took it down to the laboratory
.
There, they removed the body from the wooden box and placed in on an operating table
.

"Magnificent," Dr
.
Frankenstein said, stepping back and viewing the body. "What an awesome sight!"

"He's a big kid, all right," Igor agreed
.

"With such a specimen, all we need now is an equally magnificent brain
.
"

"I'm using mine," Igor said, backing away
.

"No-not you
.
Recently, according to the obits, there occurred the death of Dr
.
H
.
Delbruck. His brain is now on deposit in the Brain Depository
.
" He put a hand on Igor's hump. "I want that brain."

"This H. Delbruck, was he any good?" Igor asked.

"Was he any good? He was the finest natural philosopher, internal diagnostician, and chemical therapist of this century."

"How did he die?"

"V.D.," the doctor replied sadly.

"Bad break."

"But I'm sure his brain is still capable of functioning," the doctor said. "You know what to do-hurry!"

Igor started to leave.

But Dr. Frankenstein grabbed hold of one of his hands, halting him. "Be
very
careful with that brain!"

Igor indicated the hand that the doctor was gripping. "You can put your trust in that hand," he told him.

Dr. Frankenstein released him. "Fly!" Igor darted away. As he did, the hand that the doctor had been holding struck a row of beakers that were sitting on a table and sent them crashing to the floor.

Igor stopped and looked down at the scatter of shattered glass, then turned his eyes to the offending hand
.
He was silent and thoughtful for a second
.
Then, smiling once more he raised the other hand. "This one, I meant," he said.

"Git!" the doctor commanded.

Igor got.

When he had gone, the doctor began preparing for the operation. First on the schedule was an injection. Syringe in hand, Dr. Frankenstein approached the body -then hesitated.

"Dare I bring such a monstrous creature back to life?" he asked himself, speaking aloud. "What havoc might I wreak upon this unsuspecting world?" For another moment, his countenance showed the indecision, then it passed. "Well, we'll take a chance," the doctor said.

Raising the dead man's arm, he gave him the shot.

As the body was getting its shot, Igor was arriving at the special section of the village hospital that was used for the storing of brains for future transplants. He read the wording on the frosted glass door:

Brain Depository

After 5:00 P.M.

Slip Brains Through

Slot in Door

Igor reached under his cape and came up with a hairpin
.
Stooping, he inserted it into the lock in the door and twisted it expertly
.
There was a click. Igor straightened, put the hairpin back into his pocket, then opened the door and entered
.

Inside, he went exploring and soon found a shelf that held a number of glass jars. Each jar contained a brain and was labeled. Igor began reading the labels:

AlbertusMagnus
(Physicist)

Cornelius Agrippa
(Natural Philosopher)

Lawrence Talbot
(Hematologist)

Then:

Hans Delbruck
(Scientist & Saint)

Elated, Igor carefully lifted the glass jar containing the illustrious Hans Delbruck's brain from the shelf. As he turned to go, he suddenly found himself facing a weird-looking hunchback who was draped in a black cape. Startled, Igor dropped the glass jar. As he heard the crash, he realized, too late, that he had been frightened by his own image in a glass case. Igor looked down. There at his feet was Dr. Hans Delbruck's brain. In fact, it was
not
only there-it was there, and over there, and over there, and . . . Clearly, not all the king's horses, nor all the king's men, would ever be able to put it back together again.

Tears came to Igor's eyes. "Funny thing is, I tried," he said contritely
.

There was no time for more tears, though. The doc tor was waiting. Quickly, he snatched another jar from the shelf. As he was hurrying toward the exit, he took a fast look at the label:

Bo Not Use This Brain
(Abnormal)

A
question passed fleetingly through Igor's mind. Who's to say who's abnormal? Then he tucked the jar under his cape and fled the Depository.