You Can't Go Home Again (12 page)

He heard her cry of pain a fraction of a second before his
lips closed over hers. He kissed her long and deep, forcing her to accept his
kiss, wringing a response from her. When he felt her body melt, relax into his,
he stopped abruptly, ripping his mouth away.

He glared at her, letting all the anger and pain radiate
from his eyes. “Apparently you’re not that disgusted, after all.”

He started to walk away, stopping when he got about ten feet
away. He couldn’t leave her alone in the woods at night. No matter how much he
wanted to, he just couldn’t do it.

He turned around, hands on his hips, and saw her standing
there, exactly where he’d left her. Instead of angry, her face was composed.
Her eyes were icy. He scrubbed his hand over his face, angry at himself now. He
figured she hated him and knew he deserved it. How did he keep screwing things
up so badly?

He pointed to the small rock where he’d set her clothes
earlier. “Jenn made me bring your clothes. Put them on and I’ll take you home.”

Silently she dressed, sliding on her shorts and shirt then
putting her sandals back on. She walked toward him, but instead of stopping,
she quickened her pace, walking right by him, staring straight ahead. Leaving
him to follow in her wake.

Dani walked back to the party. It took almost forty minutes.
She was moving quickly, but not running. She heard Jace behind her, but refused
to speak to him, or even to look at him. When she got back to the house, she
went around to the front door. She was pleased to see Bri’s truck was still
there, but most of the others were gone. She let herself in quietly, stopping
at the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face.

The walk back had diminished most of the puffiness, both
from crying and from kissing. A little cool water and she looked almost normal.
By the time she got out to the backyard, Jace was already there, beer in hand.
She didn’t really want a drink, but needed something to do with her hands, and
a beer would seem more normal. She grabbed one and headed over to the group. It
was essentially just the wedding party left. Joanna and Sean had left, as well
as Sara and Colonel.

She took a seat next to Zack, as far away from Jace as she
could. She plastered a smile on her face, prepared to enjoy the small remainder
of the day.

* * * * *

When they got back to Jenn’s house, Dani thanked Brian for
driving, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. She hugged Jenn and headed back
to her car. As she started to climb into the seat, she felt Jenn’s hand on her
shoulder.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, Jenn. It’s fine.”

“So, you and Jace talked, worked it out?”

Dani hesitated; she never could lie to Jenn.

The slight hesitation was enough. “You guys fought again,
didn’t you? Damn it! I wanted to come get you, but he insisted. ‘No, Jenn, I’m
going whether you like it or not.’” Her imitation of Jace’s growl was dead on
the money.

“Hey, I’m fine, really. Or I will be. Look, sleep in
tomorrow morning, enjoy your fiancé. I have some stuff to take care of, but
I’ll come by tomorrow afternoon and we can talk about it then, okay? I’m burned
tonight.”

“Yeah, I bet. Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow. You should try to
get some sleep too, sweetie. After this week, you deserve it.” She started to
walk away, stopping after a few steps. “Dani…I just really want to say I’m
sorry. About everything. I never thought it would be…he would be…like this. But
thank you for coming.”

“Nowhere else I’d be right now. You know that.” She smiled
at Jenn, trying to ease the strained look on her friend’s face.

Once she was settled in bed, she finally thought back over
the day. Though it had been horrible, ten shades of horrible, actually, she had
figured out why Jace was so angry. She would be angry too. Unfortunately, she
didn’t see him forgiving her any time soon.

She had seen a glimpse of the Jace she’d remembered this
afternoon, and as much as she wanted to have that again, she knew now that it
wasn’t possible.

She allowed herself one more tear, for the loss of a
friendship, the loss of such a large piece of her past, and the loss of the
secret hope she hadn’t even known she’d still harbored.

* * * * *

Jace woke up just after four a.m. from the hottest fantasy
he’d ever imagined. He’d been dreaming of Dani, no shock there, but the
contents had been a little surprising. There was, of course, sex involved. Hot,
steamy, crazy sex. The kind where he could lose control and she would match his
pace, thrust for thrust, position for position. That hadn’t been all that
surprising.

The shocking part was when Dani had said she loved him. He
hadn’t had that dream in years. It had been a constant companion his first year
in the Corps, but it hadn’t happened since.

Even worse than that had been his own confession. He’d told
her he loved her, too. That was when he woke up. His shaft was pulsing, aching
for release. After the lake yesterday, plus the hot dream, that was expected.
He was pretty sure he’d been hard since she’d come back into town.
Unfortunately, his heart ached too. He’d known his emotions ran high around
her, but apparently higher than he thought.

He didn’t think he was really in love with her. Hell, he
didn’t even know her anymore, but the dream had reminded him of five years ago,
the girl he still remembered. The one he still missed.

When a cold shower did nothing to ease the ache, either of
them, he decided on a hot sweaty workout. He headed to the gym hoping to burn
off some of the desire, and the rage, that had been his constant companions
this week.

After a couple of hours at the gym, Jace showered and
dressed. There was a conversation he needed to have, and although he was
dreading it, she deserved better.

He stopped at Nicole’s house on his way home, surprised to
find her still in pajamas.

“Hey, can I come in?” he asked when she opened the door.

Instead of answering, she just swung the door wider and
walked back to the living room. When he saw the pile of used tissues on the
coffee table, guilt swamped him.

He sat down next to her on the couch, awkwardly waiting,
expecting her to yell at him. When she said nothing, he realized there were
more problems between them than just some scars.

“Nicole, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just
don’t talk about it. Ever. Not to anyone.”

“Except Brian and Jenn.” Her tone was sarcastic, her nose
stuffy. It was an odd combination from the very proper woman he was used to.

“No, not even Brian and Jenn. Not really. They know when it
happened, and where, but that’s about it. Brian and Jenn, they sat by my
bedside, taking turns with my family, for weeks after I got home. But even they
don’t know the details.”

She nodded slowly. “Jason, I can forgive that. I really can.
I can even kind of understand it. But there’s so much more. What else don’t I
know? What don’t you tell me? Why don’t you tell me? Like you and Dani? I’m not
stupid, I know there’s something there, some reason you hate her. And, and… Why
don’t I have a nickname?”

His thoughts were running in circles. He really did edit
what he told her, even little stuff about the bar. He never told her any of the
dirty jokes, never mentioned any of the fights. He never even cussed around
her. He finally understood why they never fought. It was because, ultimately,
Nicole didn’t really even know who he was.

“Wait, what? What nickname?”

“Everyone you know has a nickname, an abbreviation. Except
me. You always call me Nicole.”

“Well, that’s your name.” He was sure he’d never been this
confused.

She rolled her eyes, another first for Jace.

“Yes, that’s my name. But Jennifer is Jenn, Brian is Bri,
Sean is just Sean, but really what are you going to do with that. Bethany is
Beth, even Danielle is Dani and you don’t even like her. So, why am I not Nikki
or Nik?”

He stared at her, trying to figure out what she was really
asking. This had to be about more than what he called her, but for the life of
him, he didn’t know what.

“Okay, what is this really about? I don’t think it’s
actually about names.”

“Well, it is and it’s not. The names are just a constant
reminder of something I am very much aware of. I don’t fit, Jason. Not with
your group, not with you. And you know it.”

He was astonished. Every one of his friends liked her, but
she didn’t think she belonged? “They all love you.” Brian even asked when they
were getting married.

That thought was followed immediately by another. She was
right.

“That’s not what I mean, Jason, and deep down you know it.
How much don’t you tell me? Besides the things that I already know I don’t
know. Like the war, the injuries, why you hate your supposed friend. What else
do you keep from me? I also know that you’re louder, rowdier around that group
when I’m not there. I thought it was just around the guys, but now I’ve seen
you around Jenn and Beth too. I don’t fit.”

He said nothing for several long minutes. When he finally
spoke, it wasn’t to contradict her, just to offer the explanation she deserved.
“I keep things from you because I don’t want to upset you. I guess…I guess I
just didn’t think you could handle it, or that you should have to handle it.”

She looked stunned. “Would you ever have told me about
Afghanistan?”

He shook his head. “Probably not.” He waited for some
response, some indication of what might make this easier for her.

After a few minutes she asked, “So, if I had gone to college
with you, would we have been friends? Would you tell me more? You don’t seem to
pull any punches with Dani, even when you’re insulting her.”

“I don’t hate her, Nicole. There are things there that you’d
never understand. I don’t even understand. As for us being friends, probably
not.” She looked crushed, so he continued. “If you actually knew me, the real
me, you wouldn’t like me at all.”

She shook her head, muttering under her breath, “So you say.
I think I would have liked the real you very much."

Dani finally made it over to Jenn’s house late the next
afternoon. She had spent some time that morning sorting through some of the
stuff in the attic. She had found some old photo albums, among other things.
Pictures of her and Jenn as kids, some from high school. She’d also found a
picture of the four of them, probably the summer after sophomore year of
college, washing Jace’s old beat-up truck. They were all in shorts, covered in
soap, having more fun throwing the sponges at each other rather than the truck.

She didn’t remember anyone taking a picture, figured her mom
had grabbed the camera and snuck out while no one was looking. But she
remembered the day. She’d smiled, recalling the laughter. Then she’d tucked the
picture into her wallet.

Dani knocked on the front door and heard Jenn yell out,
“Come in.” She found Jenn and Brian sitting on the couch staring at the coffee
table. They had a giant book before them, with some sort of map spread out.
Dani looked closer and found that it wasn’t a map, but a seating chart.

“What’s up? You’ve been done with that for weeks. Have some
last-minute additions?”

“No, well yes, my great aunt is coming after all, so I had
to add two more. But I had a table that was two short anyway, so that’s done. I
have a subtraction now, too.”

“Oh. Who cancelled?”

“Nicole.”

“Nicole? As in Jace’s Nicole?” Guilt ran through Dani. She
truly hoped it wasn’t because of her, because of stupidity.

“Yeah. Jace called Brian this morning and apparently she
broke up with him. No details, although I’m not all that surprised, really.”

“Really? I thought you liked her.”

“I did… I do. In fact I called him back and told him she was
invited anyway, with or without him. He doesn’t think she’ll want to come.
Hence the seating chart.”

“Hence my giant headache,” Brian interjected. “Why can’t we
just leave her seat? Maybe she’ll change her mind and come anyway. Also, it’s a
week away. They could always work things out.”

“They won’t work things out, Bri. That’s just you being in
love and thinking the whole world is too.” Jenn leaned over for a quick peck on
the cheek. “But I love you for it.”

Brian stood. “On that note, how about I go grab us all a
soda? Leave you ladies to your girl talk?”

Her patience running thin, Dani waited, hoping Jenn would
get back to the subject of Nicole and Jace on her own.

“Well, now that he’s gone…” She winked over at Dani.

Dani laughed, plopping down on the floor on the other side
of the table. “So, what’s the problem? I think Bri’s right—just remove a chair
from whatever table Nicole was at.”

“No. Since Jace was up front with us, I had Nicole placed at
the front table, with Jace’s family. I need to find another single person who
will get along with his family. If she does miraculously change her mind, we’ll
just go back to this arrangement.”

“Okay, well then I’m no help. I can barely remember who’s
single and who’s… Hey, why not put Colonel up there? He should get along with
Jace’s brother really well, don’t you think?”

“Hah, good idea. I hadn’t thought of him because he’s not
really single. But with Sara in the wedding party, that will be perfect.” She
moved a couple of flags around, removing a chair from a table farther back. She
tucked them into a flap in the book and then turned to Dani.

“So, how are you? Are you doing okay? Oh, yeah… I think I
know why they broke up. Yesterday, when you went into your vision trip or daze
or whatever… Jace had told Nicole that his scars were from a motorcycle
accident back in high school.”

“Well, I’m sure he doesn’t want to chat about something like
that, so, I don’t get it. Why would she break up with him over that?”