Yesterday's Tomorrows (5 page)

God bless America!
I squeezed both knees this time.

"...I worry about you, Son. I don't want you to be alone the rest of your life."

And we're back. I glared at my mother.

"So I should hook up with some woman to make my family happy?" My mom shook her head, but I didn't give her a chance to talk. I needed to nip this conversation. "Mom, I loved Claire. I still do. I'm grateful I had her for the time we were given, but it was stolen from me too soon. I appreciate this onslaught of sudden concern about me, but I'm fine. Really."

The velocity of emotions that came at me from all directions threatened to destroy all my carefully constructed walls which were designed to help me survive each day. They felt like they were closing in on me. I stood up to leave the room and go...somewhere. Anywhere. I just wanted to be alone, away from people who thought they knew what I needed better than I did.

Alone.

Is that what I wanted? No. But that's what fate had determined for me.

"Holt, wait. Please."

Only the concern in her voice made me pause. Slowly, I turned and faced her, shoving my hands in my pockets to hide how I was clenching them. She walked to me and pressed her palms against my cheeks. "Is it your devotion to Claire holding you back? Or your fears?"

"I made promises, Mom. I promised her forever."

"You kept your promise. But your heart didn't cease its ability to give or receive love. Her forever is over. Yours isn't." She pulled my head down and kissed my cheek. "I love you, Holten. Just think about it."

She walked out of the room leaving me stuck with her parting words that hung in the air. I hesitated then scooped up my jacket and car keys. My family was just going to have to deal that I needed some time alone.

Always fucking alone.

B
it by bit
over the next few weeks I began to relax. I was so used to having my guard up and being distrustful it was difficult to meet friendliness with friendliness, but I was getting better at it. I'd met a couple of my neighbors in passing and found them pleasant enough, although most kept to themselves which made it easier.

I'd particularly gotten to know my neighbor across the hall. Serafina was a single mom with a five-year-old son, Miguel. I'd been on a baking spree and decided to bite the bullet one evening and took some chocolate chip cookies over. They were an instant hit with Miguel. Serafina, although polite, was harder to win over, and I suspected she had her own tough life story that made her cautious. Perhaps she recognized a kindred spirit, however, because she was warming up and had even invited me over for a traditional Spanish meal of arroz con pollo.

It turned out I had worried needlessly about meeting my new boss. I'd been scared she would view me with suspicion or disdain. But to my delight, Mrs. Holmes was friendly and patient as she explained my role as a General Service Clerk. I began my days filling any requests for supplies from individual offices. Then the rest of the day was spent making copies and binding countless materials until the mail came. It was my responsibility to sort and deliver it. Any spare time I had was spent maintaining the legal library. I had always been good at organizing things and had some similar experience working at the prison library. I caught on quickly, and Mrs. Holmes praised my efforts.

I didn't find it difficult work, and it was varied enough I didn't get bored, although it wasn't something I wanted to do the rest of my life. I recognized I was extraordinarily fortunate to have such a supportive opportunity. Too many of my peers were thrust suddenly back into society without any support system in place. I could see where having so much freedom could be trouble for many former inmates who might be tempted by the dangers that lurked around every corner like alcohol, drugs, sex, quick tempers, and judgmental people once they learned about the dark shadows of your past. So much freedom all at once could be a dangerous thing for many.

I still sometimes fought the need to look over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't the bulls-eye for a knife or fist, or some other twisted, perverted action. I avoided large crowds at all costs after nearly hyperventilating once when I found myself caught up in the five o'clock rush of employees anxious to get home. After being bumped into and knocked about, I'd somehow managed to escape into a bathroom where I hid in a stall for close to an hour, calming my wildly beating heart and steadying my breathing before I garnered enough confidence to try again. Now, instead of leaving with everyone else, I clocked out at the appointed hour but hung out between the quiet rows of books in the legal library or the break room. It wasn't like there was anyone expecting me at home or anywhere else.

I still wasn't completely comfortable with just my own company in the evenings. In an odd sense, I suppose I missed the structure of having my days and evenings planned out for me. I was learning to appreciate the quiet at my apartment, but there were still times I felt at a loss for what to do. Given my love for books, I often spent evenings at the nearby public library.

On one of my visits there, a brightly decorated bulletin board caught my eye. Large letters announcing 'Job Opportunities' stood out at the top. Curious, I scanned the many fliers that covered the board. Most were for telemarketing positions, home sales, or courier opportunities, none of which caught my interest. I turned to leave, but bold letters on a blue sheet of paper halted my tracks. 'Online Tutors Needed.' Maybe I couldn't teach in a classroom environment, but maybe I'd be allowed to help if it was online. The paper outlined that they needed individuals who could be available to answer assist students during evening hours over the computer. I borrowed a piece of paper and pencil and copied down the information.

The next day, I used my lunch break to call and inquire about the position. A friendly woman named Mary answered and began to explain about what she was seeking. "We're looking for qualified individuals who can help students who have questions about their homework. We find most of the questions come from middle and high school students, particularly in the subjects of English, math, and chemistry, but sometimes we get elementary aged students, also. Sometimes the subjects are beyond a parent's ability, and sometimes the student simply doesn't have anyone at home who can, or even will, help. Sometimes I think we have a few who are just lonely, and this is a way to reach out and have someone to talk to."

I felt my heart break at her assessment. She was probably right. I had gone to a school where either the parents had to work multiple jobs and weren't home, or they had barely gotten through school themselves and struggled to help their child. And then there were some who just don't give a damn about their kid. I knew that group a little too well. I shook my head and focused on what Mary was saying.

She went on to explain how there were various ways to communicate with the students, including a new program called 'Virtual Teacher' that allowed for real-time on screen interaction, particularly useful in subjects like math and science. "It's quite amazing, and we're lucky to have it. We would provide you with a tablet and stylus that is needed to make this work. It simply attaches to any computer."

My heart sunk. I hadn't thought about needing a computer. Maybe I'd still be able to use the ones at the library? Or maybe I'd have to skimp and stretch my budget to accommodate a computer. Were there used ones I could buy? Somehow I'd make this work if I could just get the job.

"That sounds fascinating. I can't say I'd be much help with science," I laughed. "But I was always very good in my English classes, and I excelled at math." I felt excitement build at the prospect of being able to do something close to what I always had wanted to do.

"Oh, well that sounds excellent!" Mary exclaimed. "We have an application process, but it's fairly simple. I'll email you the form. It's just the basics, name, address, schools you attended, you know, the usual. Oh, and, of course, a background check will be necessary."

If my heart skipped a beat about her 'schools attended' comment, it sunk at the 'background check' one. How stupid of me. I'd hoped because it was an online job that maybe that would be skipped. Mary obviously noticed the silence on my part.

"Is there a problem?" Her voice was crisp with alertness.

I hesitated, even considered hanging up and ending this pipe dream right there. But I also recognized this was a situation I was going to encounter over and over again, and the sooner I practiced dealing with it, the better.

"Well, I've had some unfortunate events happen, and I'm afraid I didn't finish school in the conventional way, but I assure you I excelled in all my classes, most of which were advanced, and I can support that with my transcripts."

"Could you be more specific?"

I sensed an edge of impatience, but at least she hadn't bid me a good day and hung up.

"To be honest, I couldn’t graduate with my class, and my few college credits are from online courses."

"Due to illness?"

I blew out my breath and blurted, "No. I was in prison."

There was the expected moment of silence, and I waited to hear the click as she disconnected the call.

"Well," she finally said, "I wasn't anticipating that."

"I understand," I said softly, disappointment burning behind my eyes. "I'm sorry for wasting your time."

"Wait!" Her sharp voice caught my attention before I replaced the receiver on the hook. "Don't hang up."

"Um, okay." I was nervous about what she might have to say. I prepared myself to be blasted with accusations about being a predator or who knows what?

"I'm thinking," she said, and I waited for what felt like an eternity of silence. Finally, she continued. "I'll admit it's not the ideal circumstance, especially since you'd be working with minors. But I know about troubled paths myself. I hope you understand that I need to know more about you, your circumstances, and I'd require several letters of recommendations. And I think this calls for a personal interview. Would you be agreeable to that, even knowing I can't promise anything?"

I was flooded with hope. Even with no guarantees, here was a woman who was willing to judge me on more than the one incident that irrevocably changed my life. "Yes! Definitely yes." My face flushed with excitement as we arranged a meeting for the next evening. I hung up the phone but continued to sit, needing a few moments to contain my excitement.

An amused voice startled me from my daydreams. "You look like the cat that got the cream."

I looked into the dark brown eyes of Holten Andrews. I had only caught glimpses of him during my time here, and those were mostly limited to seeing him through the windows of a conference room. I guessed he must be busy getting ready for something big, given the number of books I was constantly replacing in the library that had been checked out in his name.

"Know a lot about cats, do you?" I teased. Even he wasn't going to bring down my mood.

"It's just an expression my mom uses." He smirked. "I'm more of a dog man. I find them easier to understand than cats...or women."

I ignored all the pussy innuendos that floated through my brain about his experience with women. "Well, let me try to make it easy for you, then, Mr. Andrews. I was simply happy with a possible new opportunity."

"Moving on from this one already?" He frowned.

Immediately my defenses flared at what sounded like an accusation. "What? No! I like my job here." I crossed my arms. "Not that I owe you an explanation, but it's a chance to do something I've always wanted to do, in addition to this job." Angered at his assumptions, I whirled around and pretended to straighten some papers that were on the table.

I heard him sigh. "Look, I'm sorry. And call me Holt."

I shrugged. "It's fine."

"No, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. Everyone is entitled to go for their dreams."

"Even girls like me?" I didn't bother to douse the snark in my words as I hurled them over my shoulder. Damn it! What was it about him that I allowed myself to get so impassioned?

"Pull in your claws, Madelyn. I was merely--"

I swung back around and leveled my eyes at him. "Don't stand there and pretend to be nice, Mr. Andrews. I saw how you looked at me the day you picked me up, and I hear the dislike in your tone each time you act as if you know my kind. I know you think I've done something so horrible I should spend the rest of my life paying for it. But let me tell you something, Mr. High and Mighty, I might not be behind locked doors and bars every day, but I'll pay for it the rest of my life because of people like you." I paused and took a deep breath, cutting him off when he opened his mouth. "Believe me when I say there are far worse people out there than me. Trust me; I've met them."

Ouch. I couldn't believe I'd spoken to him like that, but I couldn't back down now. I couldn't show weakness.

Holt stood stiffly before me with his hands in his pockets, and I could see his fists flexing through the material. "I hope the view looks good from up there," he drawled.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I snapped.

"From your high horse. For somebody who accuses me of making assumptions, you certainly seem to do your share."

My jaw dropped as he spun on his heel and headed out of the room. Just before he disappeared around the doorway, he paused and glanced back at me. "Look in the mirror, Ms. Stone, and decide who's looking back at you before you complain about how other people see you."

His words were quietly delivered, but their echo would reverberate loudly in my head for days.

I
spat
out my mouthful of toothpaste and used my hand to slurp up more rinse water. Feeling fresher, I checked on my reflection in the mirror.

'Look in the mirror and decide who's looking back at you.'

Damn him! No matter how hard I tried to forget my latest confrontation with Holten Andrews, his words kept coming back to me. What did he know about me? Yes, life had dealt me a shitty hand, but I always picked myself up and kept moving forward. Was he suggesting I only saw myself as a victim? That I always assumed others saw me as worthless?

Well, aren't you?

My inner psyche, that meddlesome nuisance, apparently agreed with him. I wanted to tell her to back off along with him, but she stood her ground and made me take a stronger look in the mirror. I looked older than any twenty-four-year-old should. Wariness clouded my eyes, my mouth was more frown than smile, and while my clothes were better than jailbird orange, they weren't overly flattering. Nondescript style and boring beige and white colors, the kind that screamed 'don't notice me.' I kept my hair pulled back in a tight braid and didn't wear any makeup.

Holt was right. I never gave people a chance to make their mind up about me; I filled in the blanks for them as if I had a scarlet 'F' for felon emblazoned on my chest.

I used to be gentle and kind, only bent on proving that I wasn't like my father or sister. I believed in myself and a better future. Six years mixing with more than a few delinquent inmates, some questionable prison guards, and a few harrowing experiences, and I'd become colored by sarcasm, distrust, and rudeness.

So, whatcha gonna do about it?

I shoved out my lower lip and blew out my breath, which in turn moved a couple of the stray hairs on my forehead. Impulsively, I reached behind my head and pulled out the rubber band and shook out my braid. Long dark auburn hair fell below my shoulders in awkward curls from being twisted all day. I finger-combed it to bring it into some semblance of order. It helped to soften my features. It was better, but maybe I better get to number five on my list sooner than later. I practiced smiling in the mirror and glimpsed the girl I'd once been. A little older, a lot wiser, but still hopeful. Perhaps my old self wasn't as far buried as I thought. I wondered if I had time to stop at the drugstore down the street and get some lip gloss to dress up my new smile.

Satisfied with my plan, I hurried out of the office building and walked the four blocks to where the tutoring program was based. There was a definite chill in the evening air, but my fast pace quickly warmed me up.

The office was quiet as I entered. I didn't see anyone except a woman pecking away at a keyboard. She looked with a warm smile up at my arrival.

"Hello. Are you Madelyn?"

I nodded. Bangle bracelets clanked and giant hoop earrings swung as she stood to greet me. Her black hair was cut close to her scalp and would have looked almost masculine except for her highlighted cheekbones and beautifully outlined eyes that stood out against her smooth cocoa skin. Once again, I found myself feeling plain and inferior next to her simple beauty. Her smile, however, put me at ease.

"Hi. I'm Mary. Thank you for coming down so we can chat before we go any further with your application."

I accepted her handshake. "I'm pleased to be here. And I truly appreciate this opportunity."

Mary led me to a couch in the same room. "I'm sorry for the informality, but this isn't a formal interview. I'd just like to better understand your circumstances and what led you to us."

I explained how I was part of a new program at the law firm, the jobs I was responsible for, and the reason I was in the library where I came across the ad. Mary didn't take any notes, just listened patiently.

"That's very commendable," she said. "It sounds like you're trying to make a new life for yourself."

I nodded. "I am. I know it's going to take some time and many doors are now closed to me, but I'm hoping there will be some that will eventually open."

"So the big question, Madelyn, is why were you in prison? I promise, I’m not here to judge. That part of your life is over. But I do have children and a reputation here to protect.”

I'd been prepared for the question, but I still struggled to push the words past my lips. "I killed a man." The words made the butterflies in my stomach turn into winged beasts, and I hoped I didn’t get sick.

To her credit, she didn't flinch, but she did curl and bite her lip. "Will you tell me why?"

I'd lost a lot of sleep last night, trying to determine how much I should share. I wanted to be truthful, but spilling all the details probably wasn't necessary since the verdict and sentencing were over. "He was hurting someone I cared about, but she disappeared and was unavailable to testify on my behalf. He came from a powerful family and had more resources than I did, so I took a plea bargain figuring it was a shorter time than what the prosecution might have pushed for. In the end, I was probably lucky the state allowed the deal."

Mary remained quiet when it was obvious I had no more to say. I continued to stare at the couch as I had during most of my statement.

"Well, things have certainly been very difficult for you." I breathed a little easier when I heard her voice maintain its smooth, easy-going manner, but I was still nervous about what she'd say next. "The way I see it, it would be understandable if you were bitter and angry. And yet I see before me a young woman who is trying to move forward and reclaim her life. There's no doubt you'll be shaped differently than you would have been, but that doesn't make the mold any less worthy. It might even make you stronger."

I jerked my head up to look at her. She gave me a gentle smile. "Madelyn, what happened to you is unfortunate. However, I’m impressed by you and your honesty just now. I think you were the perfect choice for the release program with the law firm, and I think, pending the rest of the application process, you deserve a chance here as well."

I broke out in a huge smile, mixed with a little shock.

She held her hand up. "I'll still need the letters of recommendation, and it will be on a trial basis with plenty of monitoring. And you still have to complete the academic competency tests, which if you have the time, you can get started on right now. And, at least for now, you won't be allowed to tutor in person. It will remain limited to the computer."

I nodded eagerly, still struggling to find the right words of gratitude. "Thank you so much, Mary. You'll never know how much it means to have this chance."

She clasped my hand that I held out. "Actually, I do. That's why I wanted to meet you. My story isn't the same, but someone gave me a chance once, and I'll never forget it. Perhaps when there's more time, I'll share it with you. Maybe someday you'll be in a position to do the same." She squeezed my hand again and stood "Now, let's see what you can do on our evaluation so we can see where we can best utilize your talents."

She led me down a dimly lit hallway to a small room, sort of like the computer lab we had in my high school. She used the mouse to click on a few buttons and gave me simple instructions. She left me with paper, pencil, and a calculator and then left me alone. About an hour and twenty minutes later I came back to the front desk.

Mary looked up in surprise. "You're done already?"

Her tone worried me. "Did I forget to do something?"

She tapped at her computer and studied it for several minutes before glancing up at me with wide eyes. "Did you say you only finished high school?"

"I, um, well, I wasn't able to graduate with my class, but I was allowed to take my finals and send them in. I had enough credits to be considered finished, so I have a high school diploma. And I took a couple of online college classes in math while I was, well, you know..."

Mary nodded and continued to scroll her screen, then swiveled her chair to look directly at me.

I bit my lip as I looked at her. "Did I not do well?"

"Well, not only did you score extremely high on the English and history portions, but you have a perfect score on the math section." She turned the computer screen to show me.

"Oh," I chuckled to cover my embarrassment, "I like math. It's always come easily to me."

"Well, that's our most requested subject for help, so we need all the math experts we can find," she assured me. "I’ll send you home with the rest of the application, and as soon as you're able, bring it back with some letters of recommendation. I look forward to hearing back from you, Madelyn."

I accepted the papers she held out to me. "Thank you, for everything."

She smiled and nodded, and seconds later I was on my way home, smiling big and with a new bounce in my stride. Tomorrow, I was going to find that hair salon!