Yesterday's Tomorrows (14 page)

He smiled. "You're welcome."

"Did...did you by any chance find a book or necklace when you went back?" I had to know for sure.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. You mentioned a book last night. I looked everywhere, all over the ground, in the bushes, up and down the entire area. I wasn't sure exactly what I was looking for, but no, no books or anything else. It’s not a bad neighborhood, but I suspect there are enough people who didn’t want to pass up free clothes or anything else. Were they important?"

I blew out a breath. "It doesn't matter. Thank you for looking. I'm going to grab a shower if you don't mind." I needed to get away before I cried again.
Damn Charly for sending them.

"Sure. And Maddy, while you're here, think of it as your home. You don't need to ask permission. I'm going to run out and grab us some breakfast, okay?"

"K."

His shrewd eyes appeared to assess me. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I nodded and hurried down the hall before he could push me further. The guest bathroom was larger and nicer than mine with granite countertops and a walk-in shower. By the time I finished enjoying the amazingly rejuvenating hot spray, I'd given myself the mother of all pep talks. I'd convinced myself that I could live as I had for the past six years without those items. I was still sad that they were gone forever, but they were only material items.

By the time I was dressed in the most casual clothes I could find in the bags, a pair of form-fitting jeans and a white wrap around blouse, I'd convinced myself Holt had been right when he said there were people who cared about others, about me. The past few weeks were proof of that. It was time to move on and quit letting my past be so influential on the present.

By the time I made my bed and put away my new clothes, including the sleepwear Holt loaned me that I decided to hold on to, I had convinced myself I could pick up and move on and make friends without holding on to my fear of betrayal.

By the time I straightened the kitchen and had a second cup of coffee, I’d decided that Holt was a man true to his word. He was someone who enjoyed looking out for other people, and even knowing my past, he’d defended me. When we argued, it had been mostly my presumptions that had fueled it. Despite them, he hadn’t turned his back on me. He tried harder to get to know me. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to allow him in and trust him.

Holt wasn't back yet, so I decided to take him at his word and make myself at home by exploring his apartment. It was a lot bigger than mine with overall larger rooms as well as more of them. In addition to the guest room, he had one other bedroom that looked like he'd turned it into a study. Other than his bedroom, which seemed too private to enter, this was the one room that felt the most like him, so I nudged the door open further and entered. Curious, I was drawn to the diplomas hanging on his walls. It figured. He'd graduated with honors, summa cum laude to be exact. I shook my head and grinned. Of course, he did. I don't think Holt did anything half-measure.

Bookshelves flanked the single window, and a leather loveseat was placed against a wall facing a large, dark wood desk. Papers and books were scattered across the surface. I stood in front of it, nosily picking up a couple of pictures. One, in particular, stole my breath and forced the blood to drain from my face.

By the time Holt returned and found me, I'd convinced myself that everything I'd convinced myself of earlier - was nothing but a lie.

I
didn't see
Maddy anywhere when I got back. Putting the bag of groceries and carry out bag on the kitchen counter, I went in search of her. I found her in my study. The clothes that Sara had chosen for her fit so much better than what I usually saw her wearing, and my earlier assessment had been right. Maddy was beautiful when she didn’t try to hide it.

"Breakfast is here," I announced.

She whirled to face me, holding up a picture that I kept on my desk. The look on her face was one of shock and disgust.

"You're married?" she gasped. Before I could answer, she continued, "Oh. My. God. Holt, what were you thinking? Taking me out to lunch? Staying at my place for dinner? Bringing me here? No wonder your mother gave me the third degree. Whatever else I am, I'm not like that, Holt."

I hurried around my desk, but she backed away from me. "I appreciate everything you've done for me, Holt, truly. But I think you should take me to that shelter the Red Cross lady mentioned." She moved to the front door and reached for my truck keys. "Where is your wife, anyway? And what's her name, in case I need to explain?"

"Stop, Maddy. It's not like that."

"Really? Are you going to give me some line about being separated or something? You still have your wedding picture on your desk, for Pete’s sake!"

She darted around me, but I grabbed her arm. "Listen to me,” I said sternly.

She tried to pull away, but I grasped her other arm and held firm. "She's dead, Maddy," I blurted, startling us both with the bluntness of my words.

The fight seemed to drain from her, and she quit struggling. "Wh...what?"

Swallowing hard, I force myself to continue. "I
was
married,” I said quietly. “Her name was Claire, and she died five years ago."

"Bu…but the date on the frame is only from five years ago."

I tried to hold her gaze, but her sympathetic expression had me blinking several times before I had to look away. "I know. She died on our wedding day,” I whispered brokenly.

A shudder rippled through me. I released her and walked to the window, where I stood in a beam of sunlight, its warmth doing nothing to alleviate the cold I felt.

"Oh, Holt,” she gasped. “I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry. I should have known you wouldn’t do anything like that."

I heard her continue to mumble to herself. “Why do I always go off with my gun half cocked?”

I had my back to her, but I sensed her move to stand behind me; I always seemed to sense her presence. A small hand on my arm confirmed it.

Her breath was shaky as she spoke. "I can't imagine what you must have gone through. What you still must go through. And here I was rambling along, accusing you of something terrible. I'm so sorry, Holt--"

Turning to face her, I was a little caught off guard by the tears in her eyes. I shouldn't have been. Despite her outwardly tough demeanor, I knew she was a very sensitive person. I'd witnessed it many times.

"Shhh, Maddy. You didn't know. I should have told you, but it isn’t the kind of thing you just blurt out over lunch or dinner."

Her voice was full of chagrin. “No, I should’ve just asked you, not accused you. I swear, if dumb were dirt, I’d cover a full acre.”

Despite the circumstances, her answer amused me. Before I could stop myself, I cupped her face in one palm, using my thumb to wipe away a tear that dripped down her cheek. "It’s okay, Maddy. Really. It was a long time ago, but I won't lie. It still hurts."

She clasped my hand and wove her fingers through mine, keeping it against her cheek. "You must have loved her very much."

"I did."

"She was a lucky girl," she murmured. "She must have been amazing for you to have loved her so much. Would you tell me about her, I mean, other than that fact that she was beautiful?" She flushed. "Unless it's too painful, of course."

"It hurts, but no one ever talks to me about her anymore." I dropped her hand, flopped on the loveseat, and scrubbed my hands over my face.
Except to tell me to move on
, I grumbled to myself.

"I understand what that's like," she mumbled before she joined me on the opposite end of the couch, curling her legs beneath her.

I couldn't understand her curiosity, but it was refreshing to have someone ask about Claire, rather than tucking her memory away as if she never existed or trying to bury her in trite comments and platitudes.

"I met Claire when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman in high school," I began. "You know, all the guys checking out the new freshman meat." I smiled wryly and she wrinkled her nose at me. "The second I saw her I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. My friends made fun of me and dared me to go over and introduce myself. I was sort of cocky back then, so I did. Only, when I stepped in front of her, and her blue eyes met mine, I went completely blank. I held my hand out and said, 'Hi. I'm....' I stood there like a total idiot, not even able to remember my name.”

Maddy snorted, and I could tell she was trying to bite back one of her smartass comments.

"She laughed at me and reached inside her purse. She scribbled on a pad of paper and handed it to me and said, 'I'm really good at English. Maybe you should call me sometime, and I can help you with yours.' Then she walked away." I chuckled at the memory. "My friends were so impressed that I got her number that easily and wanted to know what I'd said to get it. Obviously, I couldn't tell them the truth, so I said it was more about what you don't say than what you do."

She laughed softly. "Practicing your lawyer finesse even then, it seems."

I grinned and shrugged. Sharing Claire with Maddy felt strange and refreshing at the same time. Everyone else was so afraid to speak about her, but it felt good to share a happy memory of her. "Maybe. But needless to say, I did call her. She was as beautiful on the inside, and we were always together after that. We were each other's firsts, you know?

"I graduated and went to UVA so I could travel home on weekends. When she graduated the next year, she joined me there. She was so smart. She wanted to be a nurse. We wanted to get married, but I didn't want to wait until we had both graduated and went to graduate school and then found jobs. It seemed so far off. So, I decided to quit college and join the Marines. It was something I'd always thought about doing anyway, thought I owed it to my country. Claire begged me not to because she was terrified something might happen to me. But in my mind, joining would at least give me an income and benefits, and if anything happened to me, she would be provided for, at least until she finished school. I figured that maybe I could put in my three years and then use the SGLI educational loan to go back to college. That way we'd have fewer student loans." I paused and pinched the bridge of my nose. "It was the only time we'd ever had a major fight. She actually broke up with me, angry that I'd made that decision without discussing it with her."

"Obviously, she got over it," she said.

"Longest week of my life at the time, but yes, she did. She was never thrilled with the idea, but she finally agreed with my reasoning. She made me promise that I'd finish my degree after the three years were up, and I agreed.

"I went to boot camp at Parris Island, came out Private Andrews and was assigned to Second Marine Division at Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. We had to go through long stretches where we couldn't see each other, and Claire shed a lot of tears, but we got through it. It was a good test of our relationship, and I think we were stronger for it. We’d proven that we were more than just a first love crush. She graduated in late summer and we planned a Christmas wedding. Then word came that we were the next unit to be deployed to Afghanistan. We had three months to make sure all of our affairs were in order. The CO staggered leave requests the best he was able so that we could have a few days with loved ones. I couldn't deny a part of me was excited to get to put into action what I had trained to do. Claire, however, was devastated.

"We agreed to move up the wedding date to match my leave scheduled in early fall. She’d gotten a job at the hospital on base and was going to start in after the wedding. When I came home on leave for two weeks, we spent every bit of time we had together and were married.

I got lost in my memories. I could see it as if it was happening now, the scent of the flowers, the candlelight, the swell of the organ music as she appeared at the door of the chapel… I shook my head, willing myself to continue.

"The wedding was simple but beautiful. She'd done an amazing job putting it together with the unexpected time change. I was so fucking proud as she walked down the aisle toward me, knowing she was willing to commit to me even knowing all that came along with the marriage. She made me feel invincible, like I was capable of anything as long as she was by my side."

I paused and leaned my hands on the window sill, bracing myself for the rest of the story. "We did all the traditional stuff that happens at receptions. All I could think about was getting out of there and starting our honeymoon. We didn't have much time as it was, and I wanted to make the most of every moment.

"Finally, we left to change clothes. She looked a little pale to me, but I figured she was just tired from an exhausting week. She promised me she was fine, but as we walked back into the ballroom, she stumbled against me. I thought she had tripped, but then she collapsed in my arms."

I looked beside me, and through my own sheen of tears, I saw the rivulets that ran unashamedly down Maddy’s cheeks. "I didn't know it at the time, but she was already gone as I lowered her to the floor, calling her name. I thought she was passed out, and I kept fanning her and calling her name. People rushed over to us and shouted to call 911. I just sat there, cradling her in my arms, begging her over and over to wake up."

She seemed to be stunned as she sat motionless on the couch, not bothering to wipe the tears that now cascaded from her eyes that followed me as I sat next to her.

"It was a heart defect that had never been detected. And instead of the honeymoon I'd looked forward to, I went to a funeral and buried my wife of three hours.” I leaned my head back on the couch and closed my eyes. “My God, Maddy,” I groaned, “the flowers from her bridal bouquet hadn't even browned, yet. I put my wedding ring on one of the stems and laid them on her casket, wanting some part of our special day, some piece of me, to always be with her. Hell, I would have thrown myself into her casket with her if I could have."

Opening my eyes and rolling my head tiredly to look at her, I offered a wobbly smile. "You see, you're not the only one with a flair for drama."

She sniffled and used her sleeve to wipe her cheeks. "I don't know what to say. It’s so tragic."

"It is. For a long time, I found it too hard to live with."

She gasped. "What do you mean? Did you..."

Her voice choked on the words I knew she was thinking so I filled them in for her. "Try to commit suicide? No, not in the traditional way anyway. I was granted some additional bereavement leave, but afterward I rejoined my unit and went to Afghanistan. I was part of the EOD team."

"The what?"

"EOD. Explosive Ordinance Disposal. It was our job to find and dismantle bombs." Her eyes grew wide and her mouth opened in a little 'oh' of horror. "Yeah, it's dangerous but necessary. I was always glad when my team got sent out. I always took the lead. To my way of thinking, it didn't matter if something went wrong as long as I was the one closest to the bomb. Once in awhile, on really bad days, I wished it had.”

She shook her head, her hand covering her mouth as if she was going to be sick at my admission. It was an ugly truth, but I was like one of the devices I used to dismantle; once set in motion, there was almost no stopping it. "I was careful not to appear like I didn't have it all together. I didn't want to trip any psych alarms and get sent home. But my buddy James knew what I was up to. He kept a sharp eye on me. I was always the one to approach the suspected bomb, though. I insisted on it. Oh,” I slid my eyes to her, “I always did my best and kept my mind on the task. If one exploded, it might kill me, but it could also injure one of my buddies, and I didn't want that to happen. But if something were to go wrong, I didn't care if I was the one blown to smithereens."

Her face was pale, making her eyes look even larger than usual.

"One day, a unit was traveling to a small town known to be fairly U.S. friendly, but you can never one hundred percent trust the intelligence that comes through. They found some suspicious depressions in the ground, so EOD was called in to check it out. Sure enough, some hostiles had infiltrated the town and had set up an ambush with armed militants. It felt like bullets were raining everywhere. Normally, we would have been well protected because of being suited up to check out the possible IED, but they struck before we had time to suit up. We returned fire and called for backup which was close behind. Several of my guys were struck and left stranded in the road. Once the tanks rolled in they took out the hostiles, but not before several of us were killed or injured, including me.”

“That’s how you got the medals in your living room?”

"Mmhmm. I ended up spending a couple of weeks in a hospital in Landstuhl, Germany before coming home to finish recovering. While I did, my re-enlistment came up, but I decided it was more honorable to Claire to live out my promise to finish my degree than it was to die over her memory. It took the help of some well-spoken words by a chaplain who came to visit me several times as well as the angrier words of my mom. Seeing her face when she saw me in the hospital bed and the worry on my father's face reminded me I did still have a family. And they loved me as strongly as I did Claire. And so here I am."

"And here you are. That's quite a story, Holt. I...I still don't know what to say except that Claire was a lucky woman to have had you. And I'm very grateful you made it home."

So lost in retelling the story, I hadn't even realized I'd gotten up again and begun to pace my study again until I felt her press herself against me in a hug. Her gestures were full of comfort, acceptance, and sympathy all swirled together, all giving and no taking. I held on tight, soaking up whatever balm she was filling me with, and for the first time in a long time, my soul felt at rest.